Author's Notes: Sorry this chapter is a bit slow to arrive. Real life has been unbelievably busy and complicated.
MrsAliciaWeasley: Harry will play prominently in the next chapter. Don't worry, I didn't forget him! I just needed to give the adults some time to..ahem, flesh things out. (big grin)
For those who commented on especially liking the Remus/Sirius scene in chapter 3, thank you! They will have quite a few more moments if I continue with this, so hope you come back for more!
Sirius' bird squawk in this chapter references his hippogriff comment in Chapter 3.
Chapter 4 is a bit sketchy, but I tried to capture the mind roads people travel when they have a lot to think about but not much time or space to deal. When your life is full of issues, you find yourself filling odd little moments of the day with tackling them – in the hallway, at the stoplight, at the drive-thru window… I was shooting for that. The chapter is a bit long, but everything happens in one hour and in five different locations.
I also wanted to explore the extent to which Remus has been scarred by his life choices. On an emotional level, he's a pent up bottle of inhibitions. In his day-to-day life he's not like this, but Tonks' love is something entirely new for him. It's not something that will change overnight, but don't worry guys, he'll eventually see the light.
Anyway, thanks SO much to those who have reviewed! You all keep me going! I'm continuing this for you guys much more than for myself, and I'm not sure if this chapter totally worked or not, so I would truly loooooovee reviews, even if they're one word long to say "yay!" or "nay!"
Chapter 5 should be comedic, bordering on the ridiculous.
Cheers and well wishes,
Rane
"I could paint you in the dark, because I've studied you with hunger. You're a work of art."
from "Collecting You" – Indigo Girls
Gash or Gold
Chapter 4: "Little Voices"
A random smattering of tree-filtered sunlight cast itself upon the bed as Nymphadora Tonks nestled into Remus Lupin, her arm flung across his side, her fingertips resting lightly on the small of his back. She instinctively curled in closer and breathed him in as she flattened her palm and ran it down his body -- so smooth and warm. When a muscle tensed in his ribs, her eyes fluttered open to reveal -- a very personal view of Lupin's lovely throat….. It took Tonks several seconds to work the equation in her mind and come up with an answer. He's back. He came back early.. He's in the bed and I'm in the bed and we're both in the bed…And…
She swallowed heavily. His heartbeat fluttered in the alcove between his adam's apple and a stretched muscle in his neck. She could even hear his pulse. Or was that hers? As close as they were, it could be both. Tonks slowly slid her hand off his side then bit her lip as she considered what route to take. Okay, Mind says leave. Heart says stay. Mind says…mind isn't getting a lot of blood right now…
When Remus twitched, she brought a hand to her face and peaked through the digits. But Remus only smacked his lips lightly then settled once again into the steady rhythm of sleep. Under those sculpted eyelids, she could tell his golden eyes lightly darted in cadence with his dreams.
A minute passed….then another. Tonks threw all rational thoughts of flight aside and lay completely still – except for her eyes which roved freely. She felt guilty….and titillated, as her gaze poured over Remus slowly and carefully. He looked like a kid in outgrown jammies, his hair badly mussed, his mouth slightly open.
They had inadvertently shared pillow slobber for most of the night, but that didn't shock Tonks as much as the view before her -- because under those baggy tweed pants and rumpled sweaters, Lupin had successfully hidden a delicate yet strong and lithe body that she could not have imagined.
From the werewolf's slender shoulders, his frame sloped downward into a supine sculpture of long limbs and fingers splayed about in that unusual way people in which people only feel comfortable in the midst of much needed sleep.
Her eyes caught a faint pectoral line and nipple on one side of his chest where the fabric pulled taut, and lower down where the undersized shirt crept up, two partially exposed streaks of scarring and an adorable belly button. The thermal waistband sat twisted on his hip, and the strong line of his pelvic bone curled around toward the center of him where an ample bulge lay enveloped in the soft fabric and nestled into his inner thigh.
And still lower, one slim, muscular leg lay contracted under the covers while the other bent just a bit so that one proportionally long foot peaked out from under the blankets and hung off the bed.
"You're gorgeous," Tonks mouthed silently. She put the back of her fingers close to him, almost touching his skin, and closed her eyes as she felt the heat emanate from his face. Never in her life had Tonks felt such a self-assault. Her senses, every atom of her body burned with the urge to hold Remus close and explore his angles, to possess him completely. She ached with raw desire to touch him with her mouth, to absorb the delicious warmth that he gave. To move in closer once again…
Tonks! NOW! Go! Go before you do something incredibly stupid!
She finally clenched her fists then stretched out her fingers and reached one forward to carefully touch his upper lip. Then breathlessly Tonks receded from the room like the shadowy memory of a dream one wakes from with a start – knowing only that the dream was very good indeed.
Remus writhed on the bed in a slow, purposeful stretch then rolled over onto a side pillow and pressed his face into it. A muffled "Nymphadora" came from his mouth and he smiled. Tonks… He froze and his eyes popped open tracing left and right. Suddenly, he remembered the dream. She had laid in bed with him, close to him, her dark, ruby red hair tickling his neck. Dream Tonks had run her hands lovingly across his body with a simple, gentle intimacy that he desperately desired, touched him in ways that he had rarely been touched.
He lay heavily in the bed for half an hour, his mind roaming. He wanted her to love him. He really did. His breathe caught and he swallowed and winced, a bit ashamed when he realized the recollection of this false memory had aroused him. It wasn't right for him to think of her that way, not when he had to keep her safe, to protect her. Damn! Why was it so hard to say 'no' to himself this time? And Sirius wasn't helping the matter.
Remus showered and rummaged through his pitiful selection of clothes. For some reason, he chose the most dismally threadbare sweater he owned. Did it reinforce his role as an unworthy suitor or help ensure that desire and the inevitable pain and abandonment that came with it never blossomed? No, he reasoned. It was just a sweater.
Tonks had returned to her room to take the coldest shower of her life then went downstairs to help Molly with breakfast. Two broken dishes and one skillet of burned pancakes later, Mrs. Weasley ousted her from the kitchen before she could wreak further havoc on food or valuables.
She stood in the hallway for a moment and took stock of her options. Go back in the kitchen and demand cooking space…no, too dangerous. Go upstairs and find Remus. Too scary. Suddenly, a unique signature sneeze came from the sitting room --
Sirius…oh…he is so…SO... She stormed into the sitting room to find him swinging a small flaming yoyo from his hand. "'Round the world! That's a good one." Sirius already had his argument planned and without looking up said, "Now Arthur, theoretically, this is NOT a muggle artifact." But he looked up to find, instead, his cousin Nymphadora breathing down on him like a bull in heat.
"Good morning, Tonks!" he said brightly then added with a sly drawl, "And how did we sleep last night?"
"Sirius, you are such a twisted git, sometimes!"
"I am, aren't I? Well? Give me something GOOD!"
"Give you! GIVE you! - Oh, I'll give something!.." Tonks moved in fast, her eyes flashing a brilliant fiery red. For some reason, Sirius found her taller than usual. And meaner. "I left before he woke up, do you think I'm mental!
"What! You LEFT before he woke up? Tonks, where's the love!"
Teeth gritted, she jabbed his stomach angrily. "Of COURSE I left before he woke up, Sirius! I haven't even apologized for the night before last! Where's the LOVE? You wonker!" She kept moving in and pushed him lightly on the shoulders.
Sirius rubbed the spot where she poked him and fell lazily into a chair. "Hmm, it appears I have my work cut out for me with the both of you."
"I have to find him. This can't wait any longer." Tonks wandered distractedly out the sitting room door then tripped on the breezeway. An unknown voice screeched, "Tonks!" But judging from the enormous crashing sound that followed, said person hadn't played any part in breaking the fall.
"Tonksie?" Sirius called, a slight note of worry in his voice. When he heard her continue down the hallway with her army boots stomping, he smiled, and felt calm for the first time all morning. Oh well…
Tonks caught Remus halfway down the stairs He smiled at her but looked oddly horrified and took two steps backward.
"Remus! Remus…. " She jogged the rest of the way to him and took a beat to catch her breath before blurting, "I wanted to apologize for the night before."
"Tonks, it's not –" Oh my God, that t-shirt. Please don't touch me.
"No, I need to! I mean, it's important to me. I can't imagine anything worse..I'm…I really shouldn't…I'm really sorry for all those things that came out of my mouth. Alcohol does not mix well with me, and –"
Remus gave her a guarded smile.
"And the last thing I want is for you to be mad at me so –"
Quickest route between two points. Let's put this horse down. When he took Tonks by the shoulders and pulled her into a bear hug, she easily leaned into him and into….this Godforsaken sweater. Where did he dig this one up? But she felt warm and reassured…. and tried extra hard to keep her hands high. Remus stood very still for a moment then hesitated before he timidly gave her back a small rub.
Let's go to the kitchen before I take you right here on the stairwell, they both thought. But Remus just said, "Let's get out of the hallway. Kreacher followed me down, and he's acting mischievous." He wanted to say more. I should thank you, really, for caring enough to worry about how I felt. But he didn't.
In the kitchen, the bacon and pancakes were literally flying, as Molly whizzed plates of breakfast to each seat at the table. By Lupin's seat, she sat a jar of chocolate sauce.
"I had a feeling you might like that instead," she said with a wink.
Remus gave her a light chuckle and a formal but quiet 'thank you.'
They all dug in and sitting across from him, Tonks watched Lupin eye the chocolate syrup before cautiously covering one corner of a pancake with the dark substance. He tasted it then smiled broadly and doused the rest of the flapjacks. During the meal, she didn't miss the bit of syrup lingering at the corner of his mouth and how he surreptitiously wiped away his milk mustache after a big swig but missed the syrup spot. I could take care of that for you, and I wouldn't need a napkin.
Lupin looked up from his meal and stopped in mid-chew, looking concerned as his fork scratched lightly on the plate. He swallowed the mouthful and reached for the milk glass then stopped again and hunkered down to meet her eyes.
"Are you alright?"
"Yeah, sure! I'm great. Um….What time did you get in last night?"
"Mhmph…around 3:00 AM. Went to bed at 4 or so."
Four hours we laid in bed together…her face pounded with a furious blush and she looked into her plate. "You must still be tired."
"Exhausted."
She eyed the cane resting against the table.
"Your leg….do you have a new injury or is the old one acting up?"
"Both, I'm afraid."
"Do you want me to look at it?"
She saw momentary flicker of alarm in his face before he calmly answered, "No…I mean, thank you all the same, but it's healing nicely."
"Just in time for the next full moon?"
He let out a sad laugh. "Yes. Quite. It's a viscous cycle, really."
"Are you sure you don't want me to look at it?"
"Yes," he said bluntly.
It came out of her mouth before she could stop it. "Prude," she muttered with a small, mischievous smile then reached out with her napkin and dabbed away the chocolate at the corner of his mouth.
He looked at her, oddly bemused, then almost inaudibly whispered, "Tease." Why the hell did you say that!
"Tease? Remus, really…"
They both laughed a bit uncomfortably then pretended to eat, becoming engrossed in guilty feelings about last night's dreams and musings.
She doesn't know about the dream. There's no use in feeling guilty about something that never happened.
There's no reason to feel guilty. It's not like I planned to trick him. I just took advantage of the moment to satisfy a bit of curiosity…It's not like I saw anything!
Sirius waltzed in to find them both looking furtively downward into their plates. As he poured himself a cup of coffee, simultaneously both Remus and Tonks looked up and gave him a guilty look. Sirius threw his head back and let out a huge belly laugh and waltzed back out of the kitchen. OH! This might turn out to be fun after all. When he reached the door and only Tonks could see him, he turned and flapped his "wings" madly -- a joke, of course, only Tonks got. Far down the hallway, everyone could still hear Padfoot's trailing peals of laughter, then a loud screeching noise.
"Did he just squawk like a bird?" Remus asked.
"Yes. Yes, he did," she dead-panned, hand over her eyes.
Remus just smiled and shrugged as he scraped up the remnants of chocolate syrup with a bacon scrap.
After breakfast, Lupin went upstairs to get his coat and headed towards the door for Diagon Alley. Tonks had the day off…. Should he ask her to accompany him? What is your problem! Why is it so hard to do the right thing this time!
He knew why. Not since his Marauder days had he felt so close to another human being. They could talk for hours, about work as well as about the most mundane of things. They had become lightly affectionate with one another, like close friends are want to do. They could finish each other's thoughts, each other's sentences. He knew it was self-centered but he just wanted to spend time with her, to feel her voice resonate in his chest and her laughter wash over him like an elixir. But now the stakes threatened to lift higher, to move up a notch.
You're the only one who can see a relationship with you will harm her. You're the only one who can understand. How easy would it be for the two of you to fall together? And people would encourage it. And only you would know how badly it would end up, the danger she would be in, the stigma of having an intimate life with a social outcast. You would do that to her? She's too naïve to understand. She can't make the rational decision. You have to do it for her, you have to be the one who knows what's best.
His most brutal voice emerged to clench the matter.
Stab yourself to keep her from bleeding. Be a man. Do it. When you get back this evening, tell her to leave you alone. Tell her you're not interested.
Remus started and found Professor Dumbledore standing before him looking, as usual, serene and sagely, but there was a haggard sadness in his eyes – a sadness Remus found all too often in the faces he came across these days.
"It's good to see you, Remus."
He tried to collect himself but knew his eyes had become misty with frustration. "Professor. What brings you to Grimmauld?"
"Oh, nothing too pressing. I just needed to pass some assignment information on to Moody and thought it best to deliver it in person."
Remus nodded. The old wizard continued down the hallway then turned and began to slowly walk back to him.
"Remus….."
Dumbledore had a decisive look in his eye, like he had wrestled with his thoughts for a moment and finally reached a decision.
"You know……sometimes rationality can become so skewed by our own psyche that it becomes an irrational voice, clouding reasoning with unintended subterfuge. That's why sometimes the mind is not the place where we find the right answers." He touched Remus lightly on the chest. "We find them here. After twelve years in Azkaban, I think Sirius would tell you the same thing. If you'd listen to him, that is."
Remus felt a small pull in his chest where Dumbledore touched him, and they regarded each other silently for a moment.
"Not all prisons are made of stone, is that it, Professor?"
"Wouldn't you agree?" Dumbledore said with a hint of mystery in his eye as he turned to continue down the hallway. "Good day, R.J."
"Good day, Professor."
Remus stood outside Grimmauld breathing in the light morning air and thinking about what had just transpired. "Doesn't miss a thing, that man," Arthur had once said about the Hogwarts headmaster. Remus knew a pensieve spell when he saw one. And Dumbledore knew that he knew. Few wizards could perform such a difficult wandless spell, but in the magical community, providing one for a friend was no more intrusive than offering a shoulder to cry on or a stiff drink after a hard day. It just alleviated one's worries, if only for a short period of time.
Minutes later, Tonks burst through the complicated doorway system and smiled when she saw Remus standing under a blinking streetlight, its sensors struggling between on and off in the subtle morning radiance. His eyebrows raised as he noticed how the first and last "s" in her Weird Sister's shirt stretched out across her breasts.
"There you are! I thought you had already left. Molly said you're going to Diagon Alley?"
He nodded.
"Dumbledore just brought some assignment information for the order, and Moody wants me to pick up some things. Do you mind if I tag along?"
"That would be absolutely wonderful," he said, and found that he meant it.
She gauged his bashful glance before wrapping her arm around his waist and leaning into him as they headed down the street. He allowed himself a small smile and wrapped an arm around her, as well.
"Whatcha need at the alley?"
"Oh, I'm on the hunt for a new potions master."
"That's all you need to do?"
"Well, it could take a while. But maybe we could find you a shirt that fits, as well," he quipped.
"Really now? I could say the same for you." She nudged him so hard he meandered off the sidewalk, but when he flashed her a broad smile and a mirthful laugh, her heart skipped a beat.
"What! You don't see MY belly button showing for all the world to see."
She leaned back into him and bravely pressed the edge of her fingers down on his stomach as she affectionately recalled his sleeping form. "Not for all the world to see, no."
He lightly kissed her ear as they continued their walk in the lovely ascending light of morning, looking very much like two people meant for each other. And for ten hours, Remus Lupin forgot himself and listened to his heart.