Author's Notes: Warning: this chapter just reeks of fluffiness. A fluff bomb could explode in a cotton candy factory, and it couldn't get any fluffier than this. For some reason, I kept thinking of a century old quote that listening to Grieg's music was like eating a pink bonbon stuffed with snow. Fluff must be the literary equivalent; however, I'd like to think that Remus fluff is filled with a very fine chocolate. In honor of our favorite werewolf, of course! (big smile)
"I wanted
The past to go away, I wanted
To leave it, like another country; I wanted
My life to close, and open
Like a hinge, like a wind, like the part of the song
Where it falls
Down over the rocks: an explosion, a discovery;
I wanted
To hurry into the work of my life; I wanted to know,
Whoever I was, I was
Alive
For a little while
Also I wanted
To be able to love. And we all know
How that one goes,
Don't we?
Slowly
Mostly, I want to be kind.
And nobody, of course, is kind,
Or mean,
For a simple reason.
And nobody gets out of it, having to
Swim through the fires to stay in
This world.
And probably,
If they don't waste time
Looking for an easier world,
They can do it."
Gash or Gold
Chapter 6: "Pillow Talk"
Remus threw on pajama bottoms and a soft cotton shirt with the sleeve buttons missing before heading down the hall to locate Tonks.
He found her, fully-clothed and sleeping peacefully, in the musty corner room he had only begun to clear and clean. It needed hours of spells and incantations (not to mention some good old-fashioned elbow grease) before he deemed it habitable, with its airy haze of ancient dust and the old iron bed, well-built but teeming with ages of accumulated dirt and grime.
The wooden floor creaked as he padded carefully on his bare feet to the edge of the bed and whispered her name.
"Nymphadora," he said softly. "Don't sleep in here, come on."
She appeared too far gone for polite rousing, so he gingerly wrapped his arms underneath her shoulders and knees, carried her to his room, and laid her carefully in the center of his bed.
Remus removed her green Doc Martens to find bright purple socks underneath and smiled broadly as he peeled them off and placed them in the boots. After a moment's hesitation, he gingerly untucked her standard auror oxford shirt and pulled the quilt up lightly to her chin. But when his hand brushed Tonks' cheek, two attentive blue eyes popped open. Remus smirked knowingly in the low light of the room. Awake for the whole trip, probably.
"Do you want some…..uh…boxers to sleep in?"
Before she could answer, he went rummaging for a decent sharing pair plus a t-shirt (the red one because he knew how cute she'd look in it) then handed them charily to her. They stared at each other in wide-eyed silence for a second before he turned to leave.
"Where are you going?"
"Downstairs. I'll sleep on the couch."
"No." She took his hand lightly and looked hurt. "Stay here. It's your bed, stay here. I'm not going to banish you from your own bed."
"It's not banishment. I'm altering my sleeping arrangements to afford you a decent night's sleep."
She sat up and looked at him a bit dangerously.
"Professor Lupin, I'm not asking for a justification of your decision to sleep in the other room. I'm asking you to stay with me." Her shoulders fell when he just stood there, looking stunned. "Stay here with me," she whispered and pulled him into the bed."
She nestled close to him but not too close, unsure of how he'd react, but as the space between them seemed painfully too far, Remus was the one to close the gap and snuggle against her, working his arm around her side and holding her lightly. They absorbed the delicious warmth for a moment and studied each other. Remus had a mildly amused look, and she realized that less than an hour ago, they were yelling at each other in his bathroom.
"I'm sorry about the tub earlier. The door was cracked and I didn't think you'd leave it unlocked if you were….." She smiled mischievously.
"You seem torn up about it. Really distraught, Nymphadora."
She pulled the covers over her mouth to muffle her laughter.
"You are certainly not forgiven……I couldn't imagine anyone entering my bathroom that late at night for anything."
"I was looking for a sexy man in a compromising position and thought I might find one upstairs."
"Really…..The word 'compromising' is a euphemism when it comes to getting caught naked, Tonks. Try 'humiliating.'…….And I'm sorry there was no sexy man in there, just a compromised and humiliated one."
"On the contrary, I got more than I bargained for."
"Oh, did you now," he said in a clipped, almost giddy voice that made her laugh, then her face slowly fell with a sad insight. He was making light of something that had hurt him. From someone else, she could have taken that as a good sign. From Remus, it was just another defense mechanism to protect his dusty vault of fears.
He took the pallor in her eyes as disappointment and swallowed once, decisively. I TOLD her I had scars. What did she expect?
"What were you bargaining for?"
"To help a friend. Bring him something to make him feel better. I saw your shoulder and it looked awful, even if I only saw it for a second."
Quickly, Remus' eyes darkened and shut her out. Someone who didn't know him might have missed it, but Tonks had found plenty of moments to study his quiescent, flickering emotions.
"It's fine," he said in a gentle but dismissive tone.
"It didn't look fine."
"I've had worse injuries." He pulled a hand from under the blankets and threaded a strand of hair behind her ear.
"Remus, when you hurt, you don't tell me about it, but you'll tell Sirius. You trust him with your pain…and your feelings. But not me. And that…..that hurts ME. Do you understand? I want to hear you SAY the things….that sometimes escape from here."
He closed his eyes when her fingertips lightly brushed against his eyelashes. Then she ran the hand lightly across his cheek, down his jaw, and rested it on the nape of his neck, feeling the soft hair that brushed against the back of his collar.
With the lightest tone he could muster, Remus forged into conciliatory waters, unaware that the usual mood detours might not work this time.
"No pun intended, Nymphadora, but I'm getting a dressing down, aren't I?"
She smiled but not as widely as he would have liked. He wasn't going to escape without a fight.
"Would this be a bad time to express my undying devotion to you as one of my best friends? And my lust for you as an untouchable co-worker?"
"Untouchable co-workers? Is that what we are?"
He folded an arm underneath his head and considered the question seriously. He truly didn't know.
"The Order doesn't really respect me, you know. They think I'm young and clumsy. The Black family black sheep. But when you look at me, sometimes I see into your soul. I see that you respect me and care for me. But I can only see so far….and I have never known anyone who could close in upon himself faster…..Why is it so awful that someone might care about you or give you the time of day aside from your work? I've moved farther into your world, but you've only opened up to me so far. And I have a lot more to offer you than the time of day, Remus."
She removed the hand from his neck and fiddled with one of the buttons on his shirt, trying desperately not to undo it.
"I don't want to be an untouchable co-worker. And I hate to point it out, but we're touching right now….and work is over."
Tonks had said it all. She loved Remus. But he had to step forward and love her back. And she realized this was the decisive moment. She had too much pride to keep chasing him if he walked away this time. I know you love me just as much…I know you do…
Just when the tension in her throat hit its worst, he decisively flattened his palm and ran it slowly down her back then around to lightly squeeze her thigh. When her eyes flickered with a bit of shock and arousal, she caught a glint of teeth through his sculpted lips as his smile widened, his whole face warming and becoming even more beautiful. Tonks wasn't prepared for the thud her heart gave at the sight. He puffed out a small laugh when she added, "Sometimes I have simultaneous urges to both slap you and kiss you."
For some reason, the whole conversation didn't terrify Remus as much as it should have. Tonks hadn't said anything that he didn't deserve. And he bit away the nagging urge to run towards his emotional exit sign with an earnest courage, seeing she had just called him on that old tendency.
"No more games, Nymphadora. I promise."
He leaned in and tenderly touched his lips to hers, opening his mouth and prying just a bit farther with a gentle tongue, working his way into the kiss and around her body gently and slowly.
Men had come and gone in Tonks' life. School day crushes, a lover she met on assignment, a live-in boyfriend with lovely thighs, two one-night stands when she was younger and more foolish. "When it's right, you'll know," Emmeline Vance had told her. "The sky will light up like never before." Tonks had never seen sexual fireworks, but when Remus descended on her, hands on her sensitive flesh and his lips pressed to hers in exquisite exploration – there they were – white stars and red explosives swirling and sparkling across the insides of her eyelids. She could almost hear the bottle rockets. And she could definitely feel one.
If he could heal her, put her at ease through his touch, transcend their bodies and offer something stronger and dearer than heat and stimulation, he wanted to provide that. And so he thought only of her and the depth of her affection, begged his ardent love for Tonks to communicate just as passionately through tenderness as hers just had through exasperation.
Wait for me…wait for me and understand….
Tonks woke in the grey dim of encroaching morning to feel every inch of Remus snuggled up behind her, could feel his breath lightly brushing the top of her head in a uniform rhythm, perceived his pulse on her stomach through his palm, long fingers wrapped around her side.
He rolled sleepily on his back when she turned towards him, and Tonks rubbed one leg across his then raised it shamelessly higher on the next lazy upward stroke. Remus opened his eyes, sleepy but alert, and looked at her a bit shyly. "Sorry, couldn't help it," she whispered with ache in her voice.
"That's one way to get me up….wake me up. I should say wake me up." His voice was low and husky from slumber, and he stretched with a yawn. She admired his long frame through the thin cotton clothes and rubbed her cheek on the pillow when the muscles in his shoulders teased through the shirt as he raised his arms over his head. He immediately curled back to his original position and rested his chin on top of her head.
"Did you sleep well, Remus?"
"Better than I have in a long time. You're much better than a pillow."
She ran a hand through his mussed hair, the soft tangled tresses threading through her fingers.
"I wouldn't have imagined you a pillow hugger."
"My pillows have never suffered from sensory depravation."
She laughed softly.
"When we were at Hogwarts, Sirius kept drawing faces on my pillows and giving them names. Unfortunately, I provided some good photo ops in the mornings. I'm sure Sirius has the ones I didn't destroy in the attic somewhere. Hopefully, they'll surface when we're cleaning and give him a good laugh."
"Maybe if you play your cards right, you can permanently upgrade to something better than a pillow."
"Hmm……can I use a marked deck?"
He glanced at the clock when he heard multiple footfalls and murmured chatter in the hallway as Tonks, wearing his T-shirt and boxers, mentioned that her things were still in the corner bedroom.
"I'll get your overnight bag if you want to take a shower."
"Nnn…I don't want to get up." She looked engrossed in an errant thought and said quietly, "For a minute, I thought it was a dream. That you stayed in here with me."
"Why?"
"Because….." Tonks turned beet red and lay still on the sheets.
Remus brought his chin down to meet her face with a scandalous expression.
"Because why, Nymphadora?" a sexy lilt purring in his lower morning voice.
Her bottom lip tensed at the name, and he didn't think she could possibly get any redder but waited it out a few extra seconds to test his theory.
"Tonks, did you have naughty dreams about me last night?"
Her eyes darted playfully around the room before they met his again, and he studied them intently. No matter what color she chose, they always shone with clarity and honesty when she focused on him. Didn't she deserve some candor in return?
"It's okay," he said softly then grabbed her in a giant bear hug that made her squeal. "I've had dreams about you, too."
Tonks' eyes dragged heavily over his chest and down to his navel where they stopped with a teasing visual touch then brought them back to his face. "Sexual dreams?" she asked with wag of her eyebrows and watched him turn quite red himself.
He looked at a spot on the ceiling when he admitted quietly, "How could I not? Just the sight of you in that 'Weird Sisters' T-shirt makes me hyperventilate."
Since they were due downstairs any minute and he had obviously lost another battle to hide his arousal, Remus needed to steer the conversation. If we have a first time, it can't be a quickie. It needs to last… an entire weekend.
"Tonks…..have you seen Moody's new assignment for the order?"
Her smile morphed into a curious gaze as her hair changed from light blonde to deep brown.
"No."
"He'll want to talk to you this morning. He's probably already downstairs."
"What is it?"
"He should tell you. I'll be going away for a few days…And so will you."
Her eyes widened a bit. "They put us on an assignment together?"
Remus nodded.
"With who else.?"
"No one."
"Just us?"
"Yes."
She snuggled into him and nuzzled his neck, her breath tickling him, and although he couldn't see her face, he felt a cheeky little smile.
"……Good. Pack your grey thermals."
"What?"
"Nothing!"
Tonks thought idly that she could build a house in the crook of his neck and live there forever, a happy woman.
"Nymphadora, I'm going to be totally honest with you. If we do not get up at this very moment. I will never leave this bed. I will die here from lack of caloric intake."
Grimmauld had cleared out within twenty minutes of their arrival downstairs. Harry and the Weasleys floo'ed to Diagon Alley for school books and supplies, and after their briefing with Moody, Tonks accompanied the grizzled auror to the Ministry for a day of work.
Remus eyed Sirius distractedly from across the kitchen table and tried not to feel grumpy about having guard duty all night, on top of the work he had to do for The Order during the day. He didn't mind the work. In fact, he enjoyed it. But Tonks pervaded his every thought.
Sirius removed an untouched scone from his friend's plate and put an obscene amount of butter on it.
"Pads, you're buttering a SCONE. The thing is practically 90 percent butter to begin with."
"You need it, Moony. You're too thin."
Remus raised an eyebrow at him.
"Get a good aim at me through that glass house? Werewolves have to eat a lot to stay healthy."
"I'm aware of that. I'm also aware that you barely eat."
"I don't have the time."
"Do you eat lunch when you're away?"
"Rarely."
"And you come in late and dinner is always gone. If there were things in the fridge, you'd eat."
"Maybe."
"I can't get you to date. I can't get you to eat...Plan 92 to occupy my time? I'm going to tell Molly about werewolf metabolism and dietary concerns. You're in big trouble, mister."
"Oh, please don't!"
"Well…" He put far less butter on his own scone and licked some off his finger. "Maybe I could refrain from saying anything in exchange for…certain information."
Remus looked at him curiously.
"Where did Tonks sleep last night? Not in the corner bedroom!" he exclaimed, all sweetness and light.
"It was just a humble night's sleep, Sirius."
"A snog or two? An occasional grope? A HARD day's night?"
"Sirius….." Remus sighed and tried to gather his thoughts. "For a first step, last night was a rousing success….or an arousing one. Both really. I feel something I've never felt before…but…."
"But what?"
"I'm a little nervous about….step two."
"Nervous? Like you have butterflies in your stomach? That's just love."
"The butterflies in my stomach are okay. I'm more concerned about the monster in my pocket."
"Tonks is a lucky woman."
"That's not what I mean and you know it….arse. The werewolf comes as part of the package, Sirius. And it's not a 'but wait there's more' incentive. It's more like a hidden disclaimer."
"You're not a used broom, Remus, you're a human being. And she knows all about your disclaimer."
"She's aware of it, but that doesn't mean she understands the reality of it. Familiarity and comprehension are two different things."
"You don't have to lord your Lycanthropy over her like an impending doom. Just let her be happy, for Merlin's sake. She's actually very knowledgeable, and nothing she's learned has flustered her. She's an auror, Remus, not a fifth-year Hufflepuff. Besides, how many relationships have you destroyed by doing this before they even began?"
"It has saved me a lot of heartache."
"Or caused it."
"I took a big step last night, Sirius. A big step for me. Maybe not for the Sex God of Hogwarts."
"I know, Moony." He leaned over the table and squeezed Lupin's good shoulder. "It's just so much fun to try and talk sense into you when you let me."
"I always let you try."
"And you'd think the fun would be gone by now."
"It's still there?"
Sirius nodded emphatically.
"I can only hope you'll find something else shiny to occupy your time."
"I don't know, you and Tonks are both pretty shiny."
Remus sipped his tea and thought for a moment.
"I'm not trying to mess this up, but Tonks needs to understand more about the reality of my life before she makes any decisions. It's her choice now. I won't say 'no' if she really wants me, but I couldn't talk to her about the Lycanthropy last night. It was so good to have her close. And she already had me cornered about……sharing feelings."
"OH no!"
"Yes."
"God forbid you share your feelings!"
"I was in the hot seat."
"The woman is insane!"
Remus laughed and flashed Sirius a smile that bespoke his love for Tonks. And Sirius realized that was the first time he had seen it expressed so freely.
"Has she seen that face? Tips from the master. She needs to see that face."
Remus' smile faded as his mind succumbed to an emotional dread that he couldn't name, and Sirius saw the fear in his friend's face. He pushed the scone out of the way and moved his firewhiskey glass to Remus' spot and poured a small amount into it.
"Remus, you've never let your happiness depend on another person. Jesus, you've never let anything get that far. You're not going to lose her because of the Lycanthropy, I can promise you that."
"If she'll agree to it and I can get trustworthy wolfsbane again….and silver restraints, I want her to see a transformation. And I have books she needs to read."
"The Lycanthropy books you have stored in the sitting room?"
Remus nodded.
"She's read them all."
"What?"
"Every single one of them. I can't believe you didn't know that. She's been reading them for the past year."
"Even.." He swallowed. "Even the one on genetics and medical concerns…..with the chapter on…libido?"
Sirius rolled his eyes. "Yes, Rem-rod, ALL of the books in the sitting room. And, if you must know, she's asked me a freakin' lorry load of questions on top of the book stuff, and I answered every one of them….very honestly and thoroughly, to the best of my ability….. Except the question about what you looked like naked. But, in her defense, she asked me that at the Halloween party when she was very drunk. I told her your body was none of her business. If you recall, she did quote me on that a few days ago in the kitchen….when she was drunk again…and trying to picture you naked...again. Remus, my cousin has been drunk twice in the last year, and both times she was after you. If that doesn't convince you it's love, her wading through 3,000 pages of dry Lycanthropy books should do it."
Sirius leaned forward and added with ardent enthusiasm, "I also told her about that Bones woman who said you were the best fuck she'd had in years."
Remus looked mortified.
"But in MY defense, as well, I was totally wasted when I divulged that."
"Sirius, that was 14 years ago! And that Bones girl, as you so vaguely call her, is a judge now. I'm sure she wouldn't want you spreading around her nubile trysts with randy werewolves…..I can't believe you told her about that. This is….I'm…..That has nothing to do with Tonks and me."
Sirius grabbed the firewhiskey glass from Remus and filled it to the brim. "Oh, lighten up. She was about to give up on you, so I threw her a bone. You weren't doing it, so I told her about someone you….threw one to!" Sirius smiled, pleased with himself.
"I can't believe you, sometimes."
"You're glad I told her."
"No, I'm not. I'm really not."
"Yes are you."
"I'm NOT."
"Ohhh yes you so are."
"Yes I am….Merlin knows why."
"That's the 'but wait there's more' part of the advertisement, Moony."
Remus looked at him with a wavering glance that started uncertainly and ended affectionately. He poured the glass of firewhiskey back in the bottle as he got up to leave.
"Promise me you won't drink any more today?"
"Only if you promise to wander around in a daze thinking of my cousin…..and bring me back chocolate."
"Done and Done."
Fulfilling half his pledge to Padfoot, Remus left in his own little world, forgot his coat and walked for several blocks in the freezing cold before he even registered the inclement weather.
Sometimes, love is warmer than tweed.
tbc
By the way, would anyone be offended if I jacked this story up to R in a future chapter? If so, I can leave it at PG-13 with no problem.
Hope this installment wasn't too fluffy! Let me know your thoughts!