Author's Notes: GASP! Rane updated! Please forgive me for this terribly slow update. I'll admit that "Random Acts" took over all my creative energy for a time.
Some underage readers asked for this story to remain as is ratings wise, but I could write a separate rated "M" Remus/Tonks piece in the future if anyone is interested. There is somevery lightpetting in this chapter, though, so be forewarned if you don't like that kind of thing.
"Petrificus Totalus," "Stupefy," and "Ferula" are all canon spells.
The necklace Tonks mentions refers to the stone discussed in the one-shot "Howlite."
The chocolate reference is a nod to an excerpt from a medical journal in the Sam Vimes one-shot "Civilized."
I wish you all a wonderful summer! Take care, and thank you for reading. It means a lot to me that I can share something, even if it's fluffy.
"Exhaust the little moment. Soon it dies, and be it gash or gold, it will not come again in this identical disguise."
Gwendolyn Brooks
Gash or Gold
Chapter 7: "The Little Moment"
Remus walked into the sitting room at midnight to find Tonks passed out on the couch and Sirius pensively watching her, a glass of firewhiskey hanging limply in his tired hand.
A large number of papers and notebooks lay about her, dark brown tresses framed her heart-shaped face. She was beautiful when she slept. And…well, beautiful when she was awake.
"She have a long day at work?"
"Mm.." Sirius murmured into his whiskey glass. "Trying to finish up things before you two go on assignment in the morning."
Remus gently removed a notebook from her hand and carefully organized the papers splayed about her. She looked up, bleary-eyed, for a moment before stretching out on the sofa and putting her head in his lap with a murmur. One hand curled about his knee as she nestled into him and sighed. Remus looked up at Sirius with a smile then glanced to where the magic settee had laid in waiting just two days ago.
"Are Tonks and I in the wrong place, Padfoot? Isn't there a snog couch for two around here with our name on it?"
"Actually, it's a shag settee."
"Ah."
"Sometimes things are magic on their own, Moony. You'll have to figure that out yourself."
Sirius rubbed irritably at one eye and downed the contents of his glass, planning a final attack on Remus' stubbornness that had been brewing in his mind all day. Then Tonks stirred, and Sirius decided it was too late to talk about love.
They were leaving very early in the morning for a stake-out and didn't need any extra issues . He hadn't had a job (or a sex life, for that matter) in quite some time, but he remembered the difficulty of juggling all the complexities of long work hours and relationships.
Instead, he poured honey-colored liquid to the brim of a second glass and refilled his own, as well. Remus wondered how much of the bottle had disappeared in one sitting as Sirius handed him the drink and leaned forward for a quick toast, nodding to Tonks.
"May your mission be a success, and may you both return home safe and sound."
"I'll drink to that," Remus said as their glasses clinked softly. And when they had both downed the contents, Sirius stood up shakily and dropped a kiss on Remus' head before shuffling out of the room, leaving Lupin alone with the sleeping auror in his lap.
For five days, Remus and Tonks kept furtive guard from a small invisibility tent overlooking a clearing in the middle of Rookwood forest. Below, a dilapidated shack sat tenuously amidst the tall grass, looking as if the next whisper of wind would send it crashing to the forest floor. But according to informants for the Order, this was the location of countless Deatheater meetings.
They had planned to return after five days, but Remus felt one more day would prove worth their while. And Tonks readily agreed. Bad food, very close quarters, and general camping discomfort hadn't dampened her joy of spending time with Remus, who currently had a slightly perturbed look on his face and twitched his shoulders.
"What's wrong?" she said with a hint of amusement.
"Nothing. It's just…I think something got on me." He felt over his shoulder and twitched again before taking a swig from the canteen and looking up at the half moon. "No matter."
"On your back?"
"Yeah. It's nothing. I'm sure when we get back from this odd assignment, we'll both be picking off thorns and little things for an hour."
"Let me see." She scooted behind him a bit and pulled his shirt out of its neat tuck and pushed it over his shoulders.
Claw scars on the cusp of each shoulder wreathed the pristine skin in the center of his back where the cruel wolf couldn't reach. She ran her hand across him searchingly and didn't miss how he huddled to hide the damage on his chest and stomach from her. Eventually, though, Remus' eyes searched the sky with a smile, as he felt her hand roam gently across his back.
"Tonks, are you looking for something that jumped on me or just pawing me?"
"I'm pawing you while I'm looking for something."
"Oh, okay."
She removed the tiny little seed tick that bit him in the small of his back, whispered an anti-infection spell and touched the place with her wand. When she scratched at it lightly with her fingers, Remus straightened his back leaning into the scratch then shimmied his right leg like a dog, as she reached up to scritch him behind an ear.
"Ohh, even better!"
"There, it's gone," she said, pulling his shirt back down and rubbing his back briefly before she came around to sit back by him.
He looked at her, almost shyly and smiled then looked back down at the small hut below.
"Thank you. Let me know if you get one later. I'll help."
"What if it's on my bum?"
He laughed but didn't say anything.
"Well? I need to know about these things. We know what we're going to do about Deatheaters already, so this is unanswered information."
"Tonks, you might find me paying off some random grifting tick in the forest later to jump you in the middle of the night."
"I can think of better things to jump me in the middle of the night."
Tonks cut her eyes towards him with a smile and saw his huge grin, but he didn't take his eyes off the hut. Suddenly, she saw alarm in his face and turned to look at the clearing.
A lone figure pushed determinedly through the high grass as he headed toward the hut. Dim moonlight lit both man and building and Lupin put a spyglass to his eye to see the man clearly. He wore a coat and trousers of coarse cloth, his face unshaven and sharp around the edges. Lupin recorded a picture of him when he turned furtively to see if anyone had followed him. And when he turned around once more, the man tapped the hut with his hand, and it shimmered and disappeared. Then, without a beat, he dropped a small stone, huddled into his coat pockets and followed his trail out of the heavy grass and back into the woods.
"He left a summoning beacon when he activated the hut's invisibility charm. I imagine we'll have guests very soon," Tonks whispered.
One by one, they watched the Deatheaters arrive, some emerging from the brush, obviously arriving by portkey, others flying in by broom or apparating. The hut had no fireplace, so no one could floo inside. And wizards couldn't apparate into a invisible edifice so everyone attending could be duly recorded.
Tonks whispered notes into a vox recorder while Remus photographed the face of every Deatheater in attendance.
"Gaston Delacroix," he murmured with a bit of disgust. "Potions professor at Beauxbatons."
After two hours, the meeting quickly disbanded and the hut went as quiet as it had been for the five previous days. Remus put away the spyglass carefully and sat on his haunches, thinking about their next step.
"Tonks, we have to do a recon on that building. If there's anything there that would help the Order, it needs to be recorded."
"Agreed."
After casting invisibility charms, they furtively worked their way down the overhang and through the tall grass, aware that their sounds and the grass that parted in their wake couldn't be masked. But when they walked into the still-charmed hut, the original man apparated into the center of the room. Tonks' eyes went wide.
"That's impossible."
The man's right arm rippled from flesh to silver as he lunged towards Lupin with animalistic speed and snatched him by the neck. Remus felt the grip run through him like lightning as he struggled to point his wand.
"Petrificus Totalus!"
Nothing happened.
"Stupefy!"
The man only strengthened his grip on Remus' neck, as Tonks quickly grabbed a large rusty metal bar from the hay-strewn floor and slammed it into the back of the man's head. Lupin watched the mutant's eyes cross before he fell forward, knocking both of them to the ground. Remus shoved the man on his back with a push of his boot. "Silver hands…and impervious to magic," he murmured, reaching up to feel his blistered neck.
Tonks rushed forward to help him up, her heart still racing. "Are you alright?"
"I'm fine, thanks to your handiness with large metal objects," he laughed.
Remus fumbled through the man's pockets and found a wallet with Muggle money and a driver's license. No wand. He recorded the license with the spyglass and looked down at the man's hands but didn't touch them, pushed open one eyelid with the tip of his wand to look for silver pupils but found plain hazel staring into nothing.
"He's not fully human, Tonks. But I think he used to be." He pushed up the man's sleeve and saw the Deatheater mark burned into his forearm. "We'll need to get out of here before he's summoned."
"There doesn't appear to be anything left behind from the meeting," Tonks said giving the room a quick once-over with her wand.
Remus took her by the hand and headed towards the door.
"Then let's get out of here."
They ran half a mile into the forest, finally reaching the location of the first portkey, which Tonks immediately tripped over, falling heavily to the ground as her ankle caught between it and the heavy roots of a large tree with a sickening snap.
"Tonks!"
"Blimey, what did I trip on!"
Remus uncovered a very large and very rusty teapot. "The portkey." When she leaned over the leg in pain, Remus found two nearby limbs and with a whisper of ferula put the leg into a neat splint before he gently picked her up.
They took the first portkey, then a second , then a third, followed by two separate floo networks to cover their tracks. Finally, they arrived at the last floo, located in an abandoned bookstore off Diagon Alley.
"Nymphadora Tonks spies on Deatheaters and fights Muggle mutants, only to be foiled by her own feet."
"Remus, it's not funny!"
"I know," he said, holding her a bit closer in his arms. And as they entered the last floo, he threw a dash of powder in front of them and said emphatically, "St. Mungo's!"
After a very long Order meeting in the Grimmauld kitchen, Remus found Sirius sitting in his room, looking out the window with a bottle of Zagwart in one hand and an empty bottle of firewhiskey on the small table close by. Remus kept walking until he was close enough to feel the heat coming off Sirius, could smell the alcohol practically emanating from his pores. He could also see the lines of dried tears turning in a crooked row where they hit the gaunt edge of his cheekbones.
"You weren't at the meeting tonight."
"Nooope." Sirius clipped and raised the bottle to his lips, but Remus grabbed it deftly and slammed it down on the table, the clear fluid splashing up out of the opening and dampening his hand.
"No more drinking. Not like this. Do you understand me?" Remus' voice was sharp and dangerous, but Sirius still heard the undertone of worry that meant he only acted like this when he felt it was the only card left to play.
Where the old Sirius would have normally played games, shrugged off his failings, found a funny angle to his predicament, current Sirius no longer had the strength for anything but the truth.
"I tried to break out and look for you," he admitted. "No one would go. These fucking bastards."
He could tell Remus didn't understand. His brow furrowed and he opened his mouth like he wanted to speak but nothing came out.
"I was worried. You two didn't come back in time. And everyone decided it wasn't wise to go looking for you. They sent two of the three people I have in my life that I call family. And you hadn't come back. You were due back yesterday. You didn't come back."
Sirius reached up to brush new tears out of his eyes but the drunken hand landed on his chin sloppily and came back down. And when he leaned forward, the world went black, but a split second before the haze turned to darkness, he saw Lupin's hands moving forward to catch him.
Sirius let glaring light shine through the cracked slit of one open eye. Morning. His head felt leaden, his nerves shooting pain to a burning center between his eyes.
He saw the hazy outline of a body in the chair and tried to focus, knew from the sandy hair and brown jacket that Remus sat beside him.
"Good morning, sunshine," Remus said with a wry smile and reached to hand him an already poured cup that sat on the nightstand.
"Please drink this now so you don't leave a vomit trail all the way to the bathroom. I'm wearing my good shoes today."
Sirius reached clumsily to take it, and Remus guided his hands to the cup and held them to it for a moment.
"I'm sorry, Sirius. Sometimes I don't stop to think that…" He sighed. "That people worry."
"As the person who worries about everything, you should."
"I know," he smiled.
Sirius sat up and finished drinking the potion with a grimace then handed the empty cup back to Remus.
"I'm getting ready to pick up Tonks at St. Mungo's and see her home….Will you be alright?"
Sirius nodded.
"Do you need anything?"
"I need a bath, a plate of curry, a breathmint, and a woman, in that order."
Remus laughed. "I can draw you a bath and find curry and mints, but number four is a tall order, Padfoot."
"Sounds like you're going to pick one up for yourself, though."
"Sirius…"
Sirius shook his head and put his hands up with a wary smile.
"I'm through trying to get you two together. If you can't figure it out for yourself by now, I don't know what to do."
"You've given up on me?" Lupin hoped the amusement in his voice showed he wanted to keep the conversation light, but Sirius pushed it in another direction.
"No…Remus, never. I'm just…I'm afraid you've given up on yourself. And there's nothing I can do about that, if you have."
"I could say the same about you."
"I've been imprisoned for a long time, Moony. But I had no choice. Your incarceration? It's self-chosen. And you're the only one with the key. Open the door. Let Tonks in. Stop….isolating yourself. That's the last of it. I'm through meddling."
Sirius lay back down and away from Remus, who shifted in his seat, unsure of how to respond.
"Do you want to know what happened with the assignment?"
"No. You're both back. You're both going to be okay. That's all I need to know."
"One of the Beauxbatons professors has turned. And a Daily Prophet employee from Ravenclaw house."
Suddenly, Sirius turned back to face him.
"I said I didn't want to know!"
Remus nodded quietly and looked down.
"This war will go on and on, Remus. Don't you see? I can't focus on the darkness. I can't. The past twelve years? They're all dark. I have to look for something better. And even the good things…all we have are the little moments. Little moments that come and go…I just….." Sirius closed his eyes. "I just want to sleep…for now."
"Then sleep, Padfoot."
Remus watched Sirius until his breathing became steady and deep then pulled the covers up around him protectively before he got up to leave. On the way out, though, he drew him a heat-spelled bath then took the Zagwart bottle to the bathroom sink and sent the clear, strong fluid swirling into the drain. But as the remaining dreg began to slosh out, Remus raised the bottle to his lips and swallowed it decisively.
He could easily admit that Sirius was right. He had given up on himself, at least as far as love was concerned. After all, it hurt less to live without something if you could convince yourself it was an impossible thing to have. Quite rational, really. And now things had become complicated. Remus sighed as he quietly closed the door to Sirius' room.
Nymphadora…
Tonks limped slightly on her newly healed leg and collapsed onto the living room couch in her London flat. The minute she was down, Remus pulled a knitted throw off the arm of the couch and tucked her in it.
"How's the leg feel?"
"Actually fine. I'm just tired. For some reason, Skele-Gro really drains the system."
"Yes, I know all about Skele-Gro."
"What have you broken?"
"Uhm…just about everything."
"Oh," Tonks said in a small voice. "Sometimes I don't think before I say things. I should have known that," she mumbled dismally.
He sat on the edge of the couch where she lay and squeezed her hand, ducked his head a bit to meet her lowered eyes.
"No matter."
She ran her thumb idly across his knuckles and felt him tense just a bit as he withdrew his hand and cleared his throat.
"Are you hungry? I promised Sirius I'd bring him back some curry, so we could get some take-out, as well."
"That sounds good…. Molly came by St. Mungo's this morning. She told me you stayed up with Sirius last night, after the meeting."
"He was worried about us, that extra day we were out. He's still very fragile about some things."
Tonks nodded. "How did the Order meeting go?"
"As well as could be expected. It's good to have new information, but at the same time….Delacroix…He and Fletcher were good friends…It reminds me of the first war a bit, wondering who you can trust. Certainly no one suspected him as a Deatheater."
Tonks looked at him intently, her brow furrowed in thought. "I'm sure we'll be going back again to observe later meetings."
"Perhaps….or someone else will."
Tonks suddenly had a look of shocked embarrassment and glanced at her sore leg before inquiring, "Remus…did you tell the Order about this?"
He nodded. "Everyone sends their best and wanted me to pass on thanks for a job well done."
"Right….Tonks and her two left feet."
"Not at all."
"They didn't laugh, did they?"
"Nymphadora." Remus had an amused grin on his face that Tonks didn't share. "You fell during our escape. And I told them as much."
"You didn't tell them I tripped over the portkey after we were out of danger?"
He gave her a gentle smile and straightened the edge of her jumper on her shoulder. "We came out of the assignment with much more information than we thought we'd get. The mission was a success. And you're fine. That's all my matters. No one was laughing. They were relieved that you're okay. And they all agreed you're the person to have around when a mutated, silver-handed Muggle impervious to magic is strangling a werewolf."
He got up to stoke the fire.
"Now, what would you like to eat? If you don't want Indian, I'll pick up something else for us."
When he turned around, he found Tonks standing very close in front of him, nearly pinning him to the table with her body.
"You're always looking out for me, even when you pretend that you're not." She reached forward to take one of his hands.
"Nymphadora-"
"You know better than that."
"It's a beautiful name for a beautiful woman."
The warmth that spread through Tonks when he said that gave her courage to ask, "Remus, what do you really think of me? Of us?"
He leaned back into the table and stared into the fire for a moment then studied her hand in his.
"I think you're beautiful when you show your true self, you're smart and brash, and an excellent auror. You're one of the dearest and kindest friends I've ever had. And you're way too hard on yourself sometimes. I wish you could see yourself the way I see you. As far as….as far as the two of us…I feel…."
Tonks' eyebrows went up just slightly and she smiled with a hint of amusement in her eyes.
"I…." he sighed, recalling Sirius talking of little moments and Tonks imploring him just a week ago to share his feelings as she lay in bed, wrapped around him.
"I know you like me, Tonks. I'm not sure why, but….I'm trying to…"
Remus blushed and as he stared into the throw blanket around her shoulders, his fingers playing idly around the bright-colored fabric.
"….I just want you to know that…"
"Remus, I finally got you to stop running, but now you look like you're caught in a trap. This isn't an ambush."
He smiled.
"You have nothing to be afraid of with me."
"I'd like to tell you that I'm not…but I'd be lying."
"Why am I any different from your other flames?"
"Other flames? Tonks," he looked away and shook his head with a laugh before gauging her with mirth dancing in his eyes. "I hate to tell you this, but the only other woman to carry a torch for me was part of an angry mob."
Before she could stop herself, Tonks laughed then shoved a hand over her mouth. "That's not funny!" She laughed again in spite of herself.
"Well, it's true. There haven't been many loves in my life….Although my hand and I have been engaged for some time now, pun intended."
She laughed again then realized she was doing exactly what he wanted – pulling away from the levity of what he needed to share by making light of it.
"Why do you do that?"
"Do what? Make you laugh?"
"Remus…"
He bit the inside of his cheek and let his smile fade. "Tonks…truly, there haven't been many women in my life….and…I guess I've ran for so long, standing still feels….dangerous. For both of us."
Before she knew what she had done, Tonks leaned forward and brushed her lips against his. He pulled away, a hitch in his breath at her sudden advance then leaned into her, allowing the kiss to continue and deepen. But as she touched him, she felt the reluctance in his body, trepidation in his small movements.
"You're safe with me, Remus. I won't hurt you, I promise."
"You're turning the tables. It's your safety I worry about."
She ran her hands soothingly across his back, pressed her forehead into the soft, worn fabric of his shirt.
"I'm not worried, Remus. You shouldn't be, either."
Another slow kiss, a hand running gently along his arm.
"You're too naïve about all of this. You…don't know."
"Remus, I've never known so much about a person's body that I've hardly touched…." She brushed her lips once more against his and whispered into his mouth, "Your books…"
"You've read them all… " he said, returning the kiss then pulling back to look into her eyes with a steady gaze, breathing heavily. "Sirius told me."
Her hand grazed the leather strand peaking out of his collar.
"I know you wear this necklace, because Howlite protects you from silver burns. It probably saved your life last night, you know."
He nodded.
"I know your love of chocolate is a chemical predisposition."
He smiled broadly in spite of himself, then his Adam's apple bobbed and his face flushed when she added, "I know your libido just days before a full moon is nearly insatiable, but the day after transformation you could care less."
"The rest of the time it's normal," he assured her.
"I know. I've read them all, Remus. All the books."
Tonks licked her bottom lip decisively as she felt part of him pressing into her, felt the warmth flowing from his body as she looked down carefully and moved her hands farther down his back to rest them along the edge of his belt.
"Seems to be kicking in normally as we speak."
Then two fingers popped open the top button on his oxford and worked downward slowly, one at a time, the buttons working through their worn eyelets.
"Tonks…" Remus swallowed and looked slightly afraid, his eyes tracing hers.
"Let me see you..Don't be afraid. I'm not afraid of your scars."
"Tonks…you don't want to see me."
"I do…"
Under the open shirt, Tonks ran a palm slowly across his stomach and up his chest to push one edge of the oxford off his shoulder.
His breath caught and hitched when she leaned forward and touched one of the angry welts with her soft lips as her hands wandered slowly across his frame, took in the light ridges and valleys that represented years of pain bourne in solitude.
"Tonks.."
"Why don't you understand how beautiful you are? You're beautiful."
He let out a small frustrated exhale from the back of his throat and looked up at the ceiling. His self-restraint was about to break.
"I'm not…I'm…how can you touch me like this?"
"Remus…"
Her lips trailed, moving slowly across his chest, stopping to drop a soft kiss on his sore shoulder as he timidly reached up to cup the back of her head with one trembling hand.
"Remus Lupin, I think you're beautiful when you show your true self, you're smart and brash, and an excellent professor. You're one of the dearest and kindest friends I've ever had. And you're way too hard on yourself sometimes. I wish you could see yourself the way I see you."
And with that, he dipped his head to kiss her passionately and accept her love.
They didn't make it to the bed.
They didn't even make it to the couch.
But, thankfully, the rug was terribly comfortable.
And for the first time in many years, Remus Lupin let his guard down long enough to embrace things he thought he could never have. How many little moments had he let pass in his life? But this was the only one that mattered now. This perfect moment, exhausted. And unfounded fears of rejection and revulsion disappeared into the warm embrace of the greatest possible treasure – true love.
tbc
Author's Note: There will be a short epilogue. Hope you've enjoyed reading! Please let me know what you think.