(Notes and Warnings found at the beginning of Chapter 1)
Chapter Five
"Almost three weeks and still nothing. This is the part I hate," Fin said as he slammed the phone down.
Munch nodded barely acknowledging his partner.
"Munch…"
"….. Yeah," Munch asked after a little delay.
"Nevermind," Fin said shaking his head.
"Hey Benson, have we heard anything back on the other cases we found in VICAP that match this victim," Munch asked."
"Nada."
"This is great we probably have a serial killer on our hands and nobody gives a shit," Munch said a little too vehemently.
"Take it easy, Munch you know these things take time," Fin said soothingly to Munch.
"Yeah, whatever."
"I'm going to grab something to eat. Anybody want anything," Fin asked as he stood up from the desk and stretched.
Benson responded, "Yeah, could you pick me up a Caesar salad from Toni's."
"Hey while your at it can you pick me up a beef calzone from there to," Stabler called from across the squad room.
"Munch you want anything?"
"Nah, I'm good," Munch responded.
"Munch you need to eat you look like a walking skeleton more then ever."
"Fin, get the fuck off my back. You act like a fucking mother hen,"
Munch shouted, Drawing the attention of the whole squad room. Munch never shouted, and rarely used obscenities.
"Munch, in my office right now," Cragen called from the door of his office.
"Captain, give me a break," Munch started as soon as he walked into the office.
"Fin has been riding me for weeks now, it's frustrating."
"Munch why don't you have a seat," Cragen said as he walked around to the otherside of his desk and sat down. He waited for Munch to sit down before he continued. "Munch, you are a little off your game for the past few weeks. Something's got you rattled. Why don't you take a few days off?"
"No, I will not. If you don't think I am capable of doing my job, maybe it's time that I try alternative sources of income."
"See Munch that's what I'm talking about. Your just so …..sensitive."
"Why don't you just take a few days off okay, just relax. Get out of the city. Maybe when you come back you could talk to Huang or if not Huang another counselor; someone you can trust, okay? Sometimes we all need a little help."
"Like Jeffries? I need that kind of help the same way I need a bullet in my head"
"Munch, I think you should seek counseling now while it's an option."
"It doesn't sound like much of an option to me, Captain."
"Munch I'm tired of playing games. I'm trying to help you. This is a high pressure job and you are good … no you're excellent at what you do, but right now something is bothering you and you can't have it effecting how you perform your job. As far as I can see, it is effecting how you interact with your partner and everyone else in the department so I'm going to ask you one final time. Do this for me. I don't want to lose another one of my detectives."
"Fine Captain, I will do it."
"Okay, for the next two weeks I want you to work only half days and I would like for you to talk with Dr. Huang. I know that he is willing to talk with you but if you prefer another counselor, he probably would be able to recommend someone to you."
"Captain, two weeks?"
"Look, I thought about making it a leave of absence but I'm trying my best not to jeopardize your career, so….just leave it. Take this opportunity for what it is. At 2:00 pm I want you at Huang's office and after that I don't want to see your face back here until tomorrow, morning."
"Captain this is starting to tweak my conspiracy-o-meter. This is the second time in less then two weeks that you have sent me home. I'm starting to get the distinct impression that either you don't like me or you don't think I'm capable of performing my duties as a police officer. Because if it's the latter, I love this job more then anything. It's my life as sad as it may sound but don't you dare think I won't walk out of that door if you think I'm doing a second rate job. I've lived my whole life coming in second best except for this job and I will not, I will not go through this."
"John,…"
"No Captain," Munch shook his head a little shocked at revealing that much of his feelings."
He closed his eyes for a moment. "No Captain, regardless of what I said I'm not giving this up. I will go to Dr. Huang but I won't like it. I'm a little confused right now to the point that I've actually considered that it might be a positive thing to talk with a psychiatrist. Munch took a deep breath. Alright, I'm going to go do some work. Our time is too important to be wasted on my problems and I understand that."
Munch stood up to leave Cragen's office. "I'm going to go call some of the other state police departments to see if there are any new leads on our perp and then I'll head over to the Federal building to have a nice chat with the resident shrink."
Huang's OfficeFBI Headquarters
Manhattan
"So why am I chatting with you, doc? You're a forensic psychologist, don't you have better things to do with your time."
"Well I know how much you dislike members of my profession so we thought it would be better if you talked with someone that you are familiar with a colleague like me."
"The infamous WE."
Captain Cragen and I.
"You've been having a lot of chats with Captain Cragen and my partner about me lately. One could start to become a little paranoid, but oh yes here I am sitting in your office under strict command by my superior so there is no reason to become paranoid."
"John, I have to be honest with you. I also wanted to speak with you because I believe that some of your recent problems have to do with the Cohen case. I believe that you know something. Something more then you are letting on. And I want to know why you are keeping it a secret. I can't imagine you jeopardizing this case especially now that we know we have psychopath on our hands. Unless," Huang tilted his head, "You've been abused in your past haven't you?"
Munch, flinched visible at this remark. Huang continued like he hadn't noticed.
"Maybe it's something that you blocked out because there is no report of it in your files or did you hide it."
"So tell me John, do you ever feel a sudden onset of fear almost paralyzing with no perceived cause."
"You mean like a panic attack. I haven't had a panic attack since my first pimple almost forty years ago. It was my Junior High eighth grade dance. Traumatic experience you see. Ahh those were the days when there was just mere torture and no mayhem.
"John, I didn't mean panic attacks, I meant uncontrollable terrorizing fear that almost paralyzes you that it is so intense. I think you know exactly what I'm talking about because you experienced it." Munch crossed his legs and looked away from Huang staring out of the window.
"John, I.."
"Yes Doctor," Munch turned and spoke seriously for the first time, "I have been experiencing what you describe quite regularly."
"For how long?"
Munch shrugged and looked at his shoes for a moment. "I don't know. I would say for the past few years. It comes and goes but recently its been a thousand times worse. Its like I will go minutes without even realizing time is passing. These images keep popping in my head and they are so confusing because I remember them yet I don't remember them."
"And the pain is unbearable. Its like I'm reliving whatever it is. Frankly I can't believe I'm telling you all of this but I guess it's because I'm tired of dealing with it alone because it's quite obvious that what I'm doing isn't working." Munch took a deep breath, released it slowly and uncrossed his legs.
"Sometimes I will have flashes of pain and fear and I will just freeze and not know what is happening. Its never been on the job and its always been when I'm tired and or stressed but not focused on a task."
Munch stood up and walked to the window. "Three weeks ago was the first time I ever experienced it on the job and three weeks ago was the first time I ever had images to accompany the fear and pain. Its been getting progressively worse since that time."
Munch turned back to face Huang. "So doctor is this the end of the line for my illustrious career or what?"
"Let's not jump to any conclusions here Munch. I will admit that I don't think work is the best place for you to be at the moment. I recommend to you that you take a short leave of absence for the time being and I would like for you to come to my office tomorrow nine am. You can get through this. I don't want you to worry about work right now. I want you to focus on you."
"That's exactly what I don't want to do, Doctor, thanks."
"I want to see you tomorrow. Don't worry about contacting Cragen I will talk to him. And don't worry I won't divulge anything that we've discussed today, but John. if this is heading into the direction that I think it is heading, we will need to discuss this with others, okay? I know that your value your privacy," Munch snorted, that was the understatement of the century, "but in the end I know that you will want to do what is right."
John turned and walked to the door. "You'll get through this, Munch." Munch paused as if to say something but shook his head and walked out of the office.
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