Polarities
Boys didn't do this with other boys.
Real boys picked themselves a nice busty blonde witch to lust after. Or in James Potter's case, a feisty red-headed prefect. If absolutely all else failed, they fell back on some of the more salacious magazines on offer. But they did not, under any circumstances, have a brooding, extremely handsome, grey-eyed, dark-haired young man constantly on their mind.
Not that Sirius Black wasn't the object of many an affection. Girls from across the Hogwarts spectrum watched him with their hearts in their eyes. They would bat their lashes and giggle as he passed, and if they were very lucky, Sirius would flash one of his cheeky, flirting grins in their direction. They seemed to swoon in unison. Many young women even spent whole days before Christmas trying to get caught under the mistletoe with him.
But none of them feel for him the way I do, thought Remus petulantly. None of them know him the way I do.
Had Sirius learnt how to turn himself into a dog once a month for their benefit? No. Had they sworn vengeance along with Sirius when he'd found out his family had disowned him? No. Had they ever had their ears chewed by Sirius's snappy teeth? No. Of course, they'd both been canine at the time, but all the same. Remus had always been able to see a certain intimacy between Sirius and himself that none of those girls could boast.
Remus had never had close friends before Hogwarts. He'd just assumed that nobody would want anything to do with him once they found out his dirty secret. He'd always been an overly sensible boy, and he'd known intuitively that no parent would want their precious child playing with a little boy who was so infected. He'd also known that it wasn't even the slightest bit fair, but there was to be no changing it. While the Siriuses and the Jameses of the world tumbled through the mud and skinned their knees and made the Peters of the world eat grasshoppers, he, Remus John Lupin, had stayed inside and read.
He'd been a sad, lonely boy until he'd come to Hogwarts and met James, Peter and, of course, the luminescent Sirius. He'd always admired Sirius. Even from the first moment they'd met, while still waiting to be sorted. Sirius had been running off with James's hat, and had crashed headlong into the pale faced, terrified Remus. Sirius had been confident and charming, and though small in stature, huge in personality. He'd wasted no time in introducing himself, and had then launched into an in-depth explanation of his life. He spoke frankly about how if he wasn't chosen for Slytherin he was going to be disinherited, so he was going to ask to be put in Gryffindor. Remus, who had been tongue-tied and weak-kneed with nerves, had only been able make a mental note to beg for Gryffindor. Still to this day Remus didn't know why Sirius had befriended him. Why would someone like Sirius want someone small, shy and quiet like Remus tagging along in their shadow? In his opinion, Sirius was everything he was not and could never be. Loud, outgoing, brash, unafraid, reckless. Exciting. He'd always looked like life was there for him to enjoy and take full advantage of at every possible moment. Remus felt like life was just one battle after the next and you just had to keep fighting till you died.
And now he was sitting on one of the chairs in the Gryffindor common room, a book propped open on his lap, fighting back everything he felt for Sirius.
Not that he could ever tell anybody about the agony he was going through. Sirius would probably freak out completely and never speak to him again. Nothing was worse than that, not even the anguish he was suffering in keeping it all to himself. Plus, James and Peter would probably agree with Sirius and think him utterly mad, and then he'd have none of his friends left. Without the Marauders, Remus was less than nothing.
It was at that moment that Sirius clambered through the portrait hole. Shaking his hair out of his sparkling eyes, he grinned and swaggered over to where Remus was sitting. Remus had to fight the warm, squiggly butterflies out of his stomach.
"What are you looking so smug about?" Remus asked, his tone dry and sarcastic in an attempt to hide his fluttering nerves.
"Snivellus." Replied Sirius, with great satisfaction.
Remus sighed. He sometimes felt sorry for Severus Snape. James and Sirius rarely gave him so much as a moments peace. But then Snape would do something malicious and spiteful, and Remus would forget his sympathy.
"What did you do to him this time?" He asked resignedly.
"Nothing!" replied Sirius, with the wounded air of an innocent man wrongly accused. "Course, Snivellus won't believe me. But I stand by the fact that his nose was that big before I met him in the halls."
"Engorgement charm, then?" Remus asked idly. He should have suspected as much. Snape's nose was a source of endless fun to Sirius. If it had been anybody else casting itching, swelling and acne charms on a fellow student's nose, Remus would have been most unimpressed and disapproving. But Sirius was, and had always been, special.
"One of my finer spells." Sirius said. "Not that they aren't all fabulous. But this one was truly beautiful."
He pretended to wipe away a tear, and then settled himself down next to Remus. Pulling some unidentifiable foodstuff out of his pocket, he proceeded to tuck into it. As much as Remus loved Sirius, he recognised there were some less refined aspects to the boy, and didn't wonder why Sirius's animagus form was a dog. He was brushing a slimy something off his knee when Sirius began mumbling around his full mouth.
"So... Moony," his words were barely recognisable. "What have you been up to, all on your lonesome? Haven't been into Prongsie's naughty magazine stash, have you? Sly old wolfie, you are."
Remus laughed. "If you recall, Sirius, it was you that James caught… ahem… red handed, shall we say, with his copy of Busty and Bewitched. Not me."
Sirius was sucking what remained of his snack off his fingers. Remus didn't think he'd seen anything more sensual in all of his life. "Ah… yes. Good times. I still bear the scars…"
Silence descended. Remus didn't know what to say. He always had to be cautious around Sirius, even more so than he usually was, lest he let anything slip. Considering how close his thoughts of Sirius always were to the surface, it was a found fear that one of them might just come bubbling out. Growing increasingly uncomfortable under the blanket of quiet, Remus started what he hoped would be an innocent conversation.
"As much as I enjoy these little chats of ours, why aren't you celebrating your victory against Severus with James?"
Sirius's face instantly shut off, his features becoming hard and unforgiving. Damn, thought Remus, I didn't mean to do that! Sullen Sirius, while extremely handsome, was not the best companion. Sirius's tone was bitter and resentful when he spoke.
"He's off fawning over Lily. Lousy traitor. Imagine giving up on your best friends; people who have been there for you through all the messy public rejections and heartbroken nights; for some female. I'm not impressed."
He sulked for a moment, staring at his shoes, before adding, "But you'll always be here for me, right Moony? You won't find a beautiful woman of high intelligence who loves… eloquent literature and run off, leaving me all alone? Or with Peter? You'll always be my Moony, right?"
Remus had to suppress a snort. If irony could kill…
"Yes, Sirius, I'll always be here. No womenfolk will have me."
An odd silence followed this statement. Sirius's gaze had left his shoes, and he was now staring at Remus with a deep, burning intensity. Remus was instantly filled with an all-consuming icy panic. He didn't know where to look; only sure that it couldn't be at Sirius. His heartbeat tripled, and he was finding it hard to breathe. It was as if the cold that was flooding him had reached his chest and was closing in, coiling itself up like an arctic serpent. Merlin, what have I done? Why did I say that?
"Re…mus?" Sirius croaked, his voice strangled, hoarse.
The first thought that hit Remus was that Sirius had used his real name. Not Moony. He looked up, and met Sirius squarely in the eye. The usual shimmery grey was dark, his pupils dilated almost fully. They shone with passion. Sirius had never been good at hiding his emotions, and now there was something fierce blazing behind those eyes. Remus was trying to analyse it, decipher the eternal Sirius code, when a pair of lips crushed onto his own. It took even Remus's quick mind some time to realise they belonged to Sirius.
There were teeth and there was tongue and it was wet and it was messy. And it was wonderful. In so many ways it was exactly the same as being licked by Padfoot, and in so many ways it was utterly and completely different. It was meaningful. Remus was flying and diving and spinning out of control, and he was loving every minute of it. But it seemed to be over just as soon as it had started. Sirius pulled away, and Remus hadn't even had the chance to return the kiss. Sirius looked horrified. He stood suddenly, shaking the sofa. Turning on his heel, he made to flee. He was heading for the portrait hole. Out the chute and away, away. Remus seemed to be watching him move in slow motion, still not quite comprehending. Running away was not the Sirius way. Perpetual denial was the Remus way.
Remus suddenly realised what he was doing. He was letting Sirius escape in his usual passive, giving-up way. What kind of Gryffindor was he, anyway? Sirius; everything he'd ever wanted. Sirius of his dreams. Well, if Sirius was going to act so like Remus, then Remus would have to do his best impression of Sirius. He found himself on his feet. A voice that seemed completely detached from his own was speaking.
"Sirius! Wait!"
Sirius paused, turned back. His black hair flicked like he was some shampoo model. He was so beautiful. Remus didn't know what he could say. His legs were just carrying him across the room as if they had a mind of their own. He ran through possible speeches in his head. Anything that would convince Sirius to stay. Anything that would prove that his brave exhibition of affection was not lost.
Sirius, don't leave. Don't you see? We're just like Romeo and Juliet… No. That wouldn't work. Sirius probably wouldn't know who they were. Plus, Romeo and Juliet both ended up dead.
Was that real? Did you mean that? Because if you feel that way, maybe we could… No. That was too formal. Too serious.
Oh no. Remus's legs had brought him level with Sirius and he still didn't know what to say. Why did words fail him now? Why did they desert him the very moment he needed them most? Hadn't he always been faithful to them? He never let Sirius abuse grammar, he was loyal to literature! He… Merlin! He was kissing Sirius! How did that happen? He didn't remember closing that last gap! He never, ever thought he'd have the courage to do that. But now his lips were dancing with Sirius's. Sirius was actually kissing him back. Only in his very wildest dreams had Sirius kissed him back.
Sirius moaned from deep behind his soft lips. Remus just couldn't believe he was having this kind of effect on him. He felt something running around his neck and tangling in his hair, and realised it was Sirius's hand. Sirius's long fingers tugged lightly at the hair falling down his neck. Remus gasped, lost somewhere between ecstasy and shock.
After what seemed like an eternity, Remus pulled himself from the kiss. He stood somewhat sheepishly facing Sirius, who looked like he was not quite connected to reality. All of his courage seemed to have slipped away from him, leaving him uncertain and vulnerable. He took a half step backwards, stammering as he did so.
"Remus… was that… I mean, you did… and I did…"
Remus moved in closer, so they were only centimetres apart, and tucked a strand of Sirius's dark hair back behind his ear. "I adore you." He murmured. "You don't ever need to run away from me."
And in a completely uncharacteristic sign of submission, Sirius laid his forehead on Remus's shoulder. His hair brushed on Remus's neck and Remus heard him whisper something. Remus couldn't make out actual words, but he couldn't care less. For the first time ever, he felt whole. The world seemed to revolve around the two of them, and at that moment, everything was right.