Spies
Well, 'tis another fic by moi. :P I just finished by downloading spies by Coldplay and thought of Matthew and Leila. This is going to take place before, during and after the Dragon's Gate incident aka when the bugger Jaffar kills Leila. This will probably only be a one shot and will take place during and after the game. I have listened to the song so please don't think I went on the name alone :) Also I tend to write songfics that don't have the characters saying the lyrics i'm more of a symbolism kinda person and you know, you may not think the same way as I do so you might not see it but whatever!I try to be obvious with the connections to the lyrics and the person's thoughts/actions. Italics is thoughts and bold italics is memories. and bold underlined is the song lyrics. Oh and by the way, I'm acting a bit odd lately so Matthew is probably going to be acting like a maniac...more so than usual. Well, he will at first. Just yeh wait.
Matthew's POV
I haven't seen her since the day I took my leave of Castle Caelin and returned to Ostia the year I met Lady Lyndis. Her, Leila. We had little time to talk before she had to leave for her own assignment. I must admit, I was sulking for quite some time in my room after she left. I had hoped to at least have a day with her. Of course, we are spies...we don't usually have that liberty, but all is well now. At least I can see her even if just for a few moments. I really must speak with her about a very important matter. Luckily Lord Hector, Lord Eliwood and Lady Lyndis were finished gathering information from her fairly quickly so I will have my chance. When I see her I walk over and smile though I'm actually quite nervous. She has no clue what I'm about to ask and I have no clue what she will say...though I hope it's a favourable answer for me.
"Is that you, Leila?" I ask though I know very well it is her. I couldn't mistake her for anyone else in Elibe.
"Matthew. It's been a long time," she answers and smiles back at me. She's very pretty when she smiles, I've told her that but she never belives me. Gah, am I really that untrusworthy?
"What have you been doing? More dangerous work?" I ask. I know the answer is yes. She and I, we're spies. I don't want her to be a spy because the risk is too great but she refuses to quit. I suppose she's just like that; stubborn.
"We're spies, Matthew. Everything we do is dangerous." I know it's true and I knew that answer was coming. Dammit, I'm nervous as hell right now, I know I'm not really supposed to show my true feelings (very dangerous) but I just can't help it!
"That's true. So how long do you think this mission's going to last?" I want to know. I hope that then I will be able to put my plan into motion.
"My objective is the same as yours: to rescue Marquess Pherae. If things go well, I'll be in Ostia at the same time as you are," she answers with a shrug. Luckily she hasn't seemed to notice my unusual nervousness and if she has, she doesn't say so. It's time...I don't know if I can say it...Ah, what am I talking about? Of course I can say it, so long as I don't faint before I get a chance to.
"Is that so? You need to visit my hometown."
She looks confused for a moment. "Hm? Matthew..." I've done it! Phew, now that that is over with...
"Ha ha. Well, that's that! See you." I don't want to stick around any longer so I take my leave of the situation and run off like the coward I am. I can hear her mutter something to herself but I don't look back, I just keep running.
When I get outside everybody is ready to leave so I am happy about that. I doubt Leila would follow me but one can never be too careful, especially is that person also happens to be a spy. Lord Hector looks at me strangely when I run up to him but otherwise says nothing.
"Hello Young Master!"
He sort of does this odd little grunt thing he always does when I try to make conversation.
"What's wrong Young Master? Are you ill? I am under orders by your brother, Lord Uther, to tell him of any suspicious behaviour!"
"...Ugh. Matthew, what do you want?" Lord Hector asks.
"Why, I merely wished to speak to my liege Milord."
"Yeah, yeah. What, did you forget to steal something off of me?" he asks with a frown.
"Young Master! I would never do such a thing! You are my liege, why in Elimine's name would I steal off of you? You could have me beheaded you could."
"Good idea, thanks."
"...Oh Young Master, your words, they wound me!" I cry dramatically.
He sighs and grumbles about how he always gets lame henchmen because his older brother steals all the good, obedient ones. That doesn't bother me, Young Master is a strange person but he has a good heart. After all, he is following Lord Eliwood all around Elibe whilst Lord Eliwood attempts to locate his father. That's my Lord Hector alright, always so nice to others...except me of course.
I realize I am acting a little bit hyperactive, probably because I was so anxious earlier but now that I have said my piece I have no reason to worry any longer. I remember the look on her face when I spoke those words, after the initial confusion she gave me a loving glance, or so it seemed to me. Perhaps I've let my excitement go to my head and I have simply fabricated the entire thing, it would not be the first time I fabricated something out of nothing. I lie all the time honestly, I could probably lie to a person who lied their whole life and not get caught. I am quite confident in my abilities. I suppose if I wasn't...well, I suppose I would be dead right now.
A Few Days Later
Well, we've been traveling for days. Or was it weeks? Either way, we've been traveling. I must say that Lord Hector is exceptionally irritable today. I merely asked where it was that I had left one of my swords and he nearly chopped my bloody head right off with that axe of his! Luckily I'm a thief and us thieves, we are quick and Lord Hector...is quite slow. Needless to say I practiced my running again and got out that situation. Unlike Leila, Lord Hector followed me for some time until I lost him by jumping into a tree which is where I am at this very moment. Honestly I do wonder if there is some sort of herb that will make Lord Hector calm down. I believe we are heading for the port town of Badon, I know these things. I have been to Badon on several occasions for "buisness". I look down and see Lord Hector right under the very tree I am sitting in. I try not to laugh but it is simply too hilarious and I burst out laughing despite myself.
"Matthew! There you are you filthy liar!"
"What? Liar, Milord? I have not lied to you though I have lied to several others," I say in a sing song voice, Lord Hector hates it when I talk this way.
"Get out of the tree you lout!"
"I'm afraid Milord. If I do, you will behead me! You nearly did earlier! So I am therefore unable to get out of the tree for that reason and the other reason is that, I am not a lout," I reply and stand up on the thick branch of the tree.
He then procedes to try and climb the tree. Silly bugger, with that armour he will never make it. I don't tell him that of course, no sense running if you give your enemy valuable advice, no sense at all. I climb a bit higher into the tree and sit down again.
"Don't injure yourself Young Master!"
"Ah Shut up!" he yells back and claws at the air as he falls backward to the ground again. There's a loud clanging sound as his armour hits the ground, it hurts my ears.
I walk slowly into the room and don't bother to knock. I suppose I should have. Leila stares at me and screams as she realizes that she has no clothes on. I actually didn't notice at first either but freeze, I can't think straight, what do I do?
"Matthew!Get out!Don't stand there gawking at me you cad!GET OUT!"
"I-I'm sorry!Sorry!Sorry!"
Yes, she was angry atme for some time after that incident. I hadn't meant to, I had forgotten that she said she was going to be taking a bath, actually I hadn't been listening, I had just smiled and nodded as if I was. She got over it eventually though. She asked me later if I had enjoyed the view from where I had been standing and why I had stood there staring at her. I didn't have answers for either of those questions. Well, okay...I did, but I didn't say them. I laugh out loud just thinking of that and of course Young Master believes I am laughing at him. I suppose his predicament is funny, if he had the sense to take off the amour then he might be able to climb better.
I didn't get down from that tree until nearly sundown. Lord Hector simply refused to leave. Lord Eliwood finally came along and told him that dinner was ready and if he wanted to get any food he should go now. I, not being a fool, waited until he was long gone until I jumped down and went to go get something to eat, even if it was cold. A spy can't be too picky, chances are a picky spy will go hungry and die of starvation while the spy that will eat anything will be alright until his next proper meal.
With my luck Serra decided to sit next to me and even dragged Erky as she calls him, along with her.
"Hello Erk. Nice out today, don't you think?" I ask, alternating between chewing and talking.
"...I suppose so."
Ah yes, Erk. He always has been a bit on the uptight side. He's not the worst but not the best. Sir Kent, now he is the most uptight man I have ever met while Sain is by far the least. The strange bit is that Sain is actually older than Kent! I will never understand why people worry so much.
I return to my tent after throwing Erk back into the wolf pit(I'd rather be devoured by rabid wolves than talk to Serra truthfully). Oh, so that's where I put my sword. It was in my tent the whole time, well, that knowledge could have saved me much grief but no sense worrying about it now that I've lost Young Master again. I do hope we get to Badon soon, I want to see if all those legends about the Dread Isle are true. Apparently the sailors there know about it. Surely a simple Isle cannot cause so much trouble...oh wait!That's where the Dragon's Gate is...Well, that explains it! I suppose I'll have to occupy myself by doing the thief thing, pickpocketing people that is. Perhaps I'll find some treasure chests to open! Oh, what fun that will be!
I lie down on the bedroll to the one side of the tent. Is it mine or Oswin's? Ah well, I guess it makes no difference. I'm soon asleep and when I wake up I'm being kicked lightly.
"Oy...What is it?"
"Get up Matthew. We're leaving for Badon now," Oswin says.
"But so early? It's scarcely sunup!"
"I am aware of that. Now get up or I'll have your tongue cut out so you can't complain," Oswin says with a sigh. He's not serious, that's always his threat and it's always and idle one. They know (they being Ostia) I need to speak in order to give them my reports so they wouldn't cut my tongue out or seal my lips unless I was spying on them while pretending to spy on somebody else.
"Yes, yes. No reason to make hasty decisions now."
Oswin sighs and shakes his head. He leaves me to get myself up and pack my belongings. I hate this constant getting up in the middle of the night and leaving a place but I suppose it makes for an exciting life. I'm not sure I would want to live like the Saceans do when I'm older though, once one hits a certain age, that person gets very cranky, like Oswin. I chuckle to myself. Oswin isn't really all that old but he acts it. I do believe it is an inherent quality in knights, they grow old before their time. What with all the honour to uphold and protecting their liege I suppose the person would have to be willing to give up their social life in order to a knight. That is not the life for me no...I suppose I'll have to find a different occupation after this. I very well can't tell Leila to stop being a spy whilst I remain one myself. She would probably be a spy behind my back, I think she likes the adventure the missions provide. But, isn't that why all spies do what they do? ...No, I suppose many just want the money.
I linger in the tent for awhile longer before Oswin yells in again and he sounds angry. I could probably run away from him if I needed to but I prefer not to look like a coward too many times in a month. So I walk outside at a leisurely pace ignoring Oswin's angry scowl. I am quite hungry, I suppose that waking up early makes one hungry. I don't really know, I try to never wake up early if I can help it. Well, not as early as the other people in camp wake up. I've heard that Oswin wakes up three hours before dawn. He's a crazy one he is.
When I reach the dining tent there is already a long line of soldiers there. Apparently my theory was correct, waking up early does make a person hungry. I don't really know about lines either, I mean I never stand in them. I'm supposed to wait my turn but I never really do. There are yells of protest as I push everyone out of the way and jump to the front of the line.
"...Matthew, don't think I didn't see that," Lowen, our unofficial cook says. Actually I did think he hadn't seen. Honestly the man's hair is so long and thick it completely covers his eyes. How he sees anything will forever be a mystery.
"...But Lowen, you do not understand. I was trapped up a tree last night. I didn't get any dinner!"
"I don't believe that...I'm not a fool," the long haired cavalier says and promptly spins on his heel and tries to walk away but falls on his behind. Not a fool? I think I will be the judge of that.
Seeing as Lowen is indisposed I reach over and take a bowl of the oatmeal he's handing out and run off. It seems I am doing alot of running lately. Oh well, I'll be in shape when I have to run away from Young Master when I tell him I won't be working for Ostia any longer. Hm...maybe he'll be happy to see me go? That's alright by me, I can't wait to be able to leave the life of a spy behind. All in due time. I'm kind of impatient though but maybe that's just my imagination.
Well, we've reached Badon finally. The pirates here are alot more cowardly than I expected though...I mean they won't even take us to the Dread Isle! One would think that pirates of all people would be up for some adventure! Finally some old sea dog...what was his name...Fargus! That's it, some old man called Fargus agreed to take us but now we're in a battle to get to the dock and talk to him.(Those are the conditions on which he'll take us. Bit of a ridiculous request if I've ever heard one). When I go see Young Master he is still angry with me. He holds grudges for too long I'm afraid.
"What do you want Matthew?"
"To speak to you a moment Milord," I answer with a grin.
"Yeah well, I don't want to talk to you. Honestly, my brother gets to have all the not annoying people working for him while I get...you. And Serra."
I sigh. "Well Young Master, the time will come when you are Marquess and then you can order and fire whomever you please."
"Yeah, yeah. In what...20 years?"
"Who knows... I suppose it all depends on your brother Young Master," I answer with a shrug and discreetly steal a bit of gold from his pocket.
"My brother eh?"
I pretend to be horrified. "Young Master! You shouldn't plot to assassinate your own brother!"
Lord Hector begins to look around to see if anyone heard then turns back to me and gives me a look of utmost loathing. I wish he wouldn't do that, it hurts my feelings! "Matthew...I'm going to wring your neck!"
I duck to avoid his axe which he has pulled out quite quickly. It appears Young Master can be quick when it suits him.
"You said wring my neck not remove my head from my neck!"
"Fine!I'll kill you!" he yells.
"Young Master, I implore you. I really do need my life! I have a wife and children waiting for me!"
He stops mid swing. "You do not."
"How do you know Young Master? I haven't told you that much about myself. I very well could."
Lord Hector frowns. "...Well, do you?"
"Do I what?" I ask putting on a confused expression.
"Have a wife and children waiting for you."
I laugh. "Of course not!"
He gets the angry look again but stops once more. "But...hey!Wait a minute! You've been chasing Leila haven't you!"
"Chasing Milord?"
"You know... ... you know..." he says, beginging to become very interested in his axe.
"Oh. Well...Yes, I suppose so."
The look on Young Master's face at that moment was pricless. I believe it was a mixture between shock, and a bunch of others... It was funny though.
"Why didn' you tell me? Elimine, I could have at least got my brother to let you two...you know...have more time...together..."
"Young Master, I assure you we have done fine the way it is now. I'd appreciate it if...you didn't tell anyone..." I say and struggle to keep myself fairly calm and collected. Remember...showing emotion in front of people is a form of weakness...emotional spies are dead spies...
"Yeah, sure. No problem."
Honestly Lord Hector is like a woman sometimes. As soon as you tell him any sort of gossip he brightens right up! He was angry with me but five minutes ago and now he's acting as if we are the greatest of friends. We are friends but herefuses to admit it. Oh well, I suppose I'll just have to live with him being absolutely unbearable sometimes for awhile longer.
Ha! Guy has gotten ill from the boat ride! I do believe it is one of the funnniest things I have ever witnessed in all my years of life. One moment he's talking to the lady tactician the next he's heaving his lunch into the sea over the side of the boat. Everybody saw it too. I don't suppose one can become the greatest swordsman in all of Sacae if one also happens to be sick whilst they ride in boats. Florina nearly passed out when she saw and Serra looked absolutely disgusted. Ah, the priceless moments we of Eliwood's Elite share. Well after that excitement is over I have to go steal some things from our enemy.
Personally I like this boat ride, it's quite fun actually. Fighting while the boat is lurching back and forth is a challenge but it's amusing watching those whom do not have such great balance try to fight. Of course, if they die I suppose I will be fish food for I have never learned to swim and the Black Fang would surely throw me overboard after they killed me or at least wounded me. Lord Hector is being thrown across the deck as I think of exactly what I should do if he or any of the other lords were taken. Then of course Guy is stopping every couple moments to be sick again. I begin to wonder how much he ate.
A shaman decides he wants to have a go at attacking me while I'm in the middle of laughing at Guy but luckily I notice the little bugger and dodge his magic.
"Oy!That's not very...honourable, of you! Honestly!" I yell to him from where I stand a few feet away. The shaman doesn't even look at me. I think all shamans are a touch mad except maybe what's his name...Canas. I mean who goes and attacks a thief, of all people, while he's laughing at someone? What exactly is the point of killing a thief? All I do is steal things and open doors. The lady tactician rarely puts me on the front lines, she fears for my safety apparently. Er...no wait, it was she would fear for the safety of the rest of the soldiers in the front line if I were there.
I resume my laughing then spot something shiny and quickly run over to steal it. Treasure treasure treasure. I steal treasure... It's not mine to take but I don't bloody well give a damn 'cause I'll steal it anyway I sing to myself in my head. Maybe I've been hit with one too many flux spells...I do believe I'm going a bit crazy. Or was I already. ...The latter I think. After pondering my mental stability I rush off and give my treasure to Lord Hector. It's only an axe and I can't use them so may as well give it to Young Master. Imagine the fun he'll have with that...hm...that was not wise at all. Now he can behead me even if I steal his Wolf Biel...Hm...Ah well, I'm not a thief for nothing. I'll just dodge his swings I guess.
In a moment of complete and utter brilliance I remember something about Leila being at the Dragon's Gate. Well then, that shall be quite unfortunate for I will not be able to speak to her unless she comes to our camp. Oh dear...I don't really wish to speak with her, I prefer to let her alone and think about my words of wisdom after I say them. I do kind of wonder if she'll come along with me though. I mean I can't just wait for her response...no, no, I can never do that! I just had to run off now didn't I? Now I'll have to think of it until I see her next! That day in Caelin as advantageous as I had once hoped. I suppose I'll just have to wait. But I don't really want to. A...can I call myself a man? I don't know... well, a man does not just go up and ask a...how do I address Leila in my thoughts? A...woman to come home with him everyday! I'm talking to myself... I suppose this is kind of fun though, talking to myself in my mind. That way noboby can hear me...but...I feel a bit ridiculous. Okay I must learn to stop having whole entire conversations inside my head. I finally did stop eventually just as the battle is ending. The Captain, Fargus comes up and decides that all is well with the boat and clears off the rest of the Black Fang. Guy has retired to his cabin for the night and perhaps for the rest of the trip and I decide to do the same.
I woke up fairly early the next morning and figured I probably wouldn't have any time to teach myself to swim later so I chucked myself over the side of the boat. That wasn't a good idea actually...the water's cold this time of year. So of course as soon as I hit the water I lost all the breath I had in my lungs and for some reason unknown to me be began to splash about as if I'm drowning. Captain Fargus was quite angry once he found me but I just told him that Guy pushed me overboard and all was well. At least I sort of know how to swim now. Maybe Leila knows? I could always get lessons from her.
I think I've got a bit of a cold now. I sneezed all over Young Master earlier and he got cross with me again. So now I have to stay inside my cabin until we reach the Dread Isle. It's boring though which kind of makes me regret my swimming decision. It doesn't matter I guess. I can still hear all the conversations above deck if the people speaking stand right by the railing around the boat near my room. Apparently Sir Kent has a thing for Lady Lyndis and so does everyone according to Sain. Anyone single. I don't have feelings for Lyndis...she is younger than me though...maybe that's why or the more obvious reason would be that I love Leila and don't even so much as look at Lyndis or any other woman in the camp.
...She's gone... Those bastards...They killed her... We had just landed on the Dread Isle when Lord Hector spotted something in the distance, Young Master always has had eyes like a hawk, and there she was. I...We all thought she was okay but Lyndis discovered that she wasn't.
"She's... dead..."
The girl, Ninian was even more distraught than I was. Well, I didn't show any sort of emotion really. I think I was beyond that. Besides...I can't very well start bawling like a child while my liege is about. Even Young Master seemed more upset than I was.
"...This can't be. She was one of our best spies, Leila..."
I don't remember saying anything except when Lord Hector addressed me.
"...I'm sorry, Matthew."
Why is he sorry? Is it his fault that she's gone? No. He didn't do anything to cause her death.
"...Why do you apologize, my lord? Leila blundered. ...That's all," I said with a smile.
I know that no one was to blame for her death except perhaps myself. It's strange how people always blame themselves and their companions try to convince them it's not but I can't help but thinking I could have asked her earlier.
"Matthew... Leila was.. She was..." Young Master replied, nearly stammering.
I almost wanted to laugh at him at that moment but I didn't. I couldn't have even if I had tried. A smile I can do but I cannot laugh when someone is dead. It's one of my weaknesses I'm afraid.
"After his mission, I was going to ask here to put this life behind her... Waited too long, didn't I? Ha... ...My lord, might I... rejoin you later? She has to be buried..." I said with a shrug.
I waited too long. I remember picking her up and feeling how cold she was and I think I nearly dropped her. It's one thing to see a person that one doesn't know dead but quite another to have a person whom they were "involved" with dead. I can't really do anything other than bury her but I wish I could bring her back to Ostia instead of leaving her in this wretched place. I have to dig a grave but I can't bear to put her in once I have. I glance around and see nothing but fog and darkness. I don't want to leave her here...I can't... I can't put her in the ground. Leila... There is no time to have these feelings. Sadness, anger and fear. I have a job to do regardless of whether she's dead or not. She used to yell at me whenever I let things get in the way of my duties as a spy. An emotional spy is a dead spy.
As soon as I put her in the ground and cover the grave with dirt I nearly breakdown but I don't. Now is not the time. When I return to the camp Young Master seems surprised to see me. He asks if I should be back so soon but I just tell him the same thing I have been telling myself.
"If Leila... If Leila knew I was shirking my duties, she would never have forgiven me. I'm fine. I will work twice as hard for Ostia in her honor."
He just nods and allows me to come along. I hope I am doing the right thing... I have to fight now but I will take care of everything once this whole battle is over.
A Bit Afterwards...(After getting Jaffar and Nino)
I've seen him. I know what he looks like. That man. That man who killed Leila. Jaffar. I won't ever forget that name as long as I live. I hate him for what he's done. He's killed so many people and yet...he is forgiven. He is forgiven as if he has done nothing wrong and for that I hate him. And that girl Nino clings to him as if he is the greatest person in the world. I wonder how he has decieved her, does she even know what he has done? I want to kill him...he deserves it. Damn him. Damn him straight to hell, if such a place exists I'm sure he will be going there. But yet...I am unable to kill him when given the chance... Why? I hate him so much but yet I can't avenge Leila's death... Perhaps it is some weakness in myself that I cannot do it. I was so close...I could have stabbed him and killed him but I didn't. I didn't! I can't act as if I hate him...I can't be like that around the rest of the group. I'm the one that is always cheerful even in the face of hardships. So even though I hate someone enough to kill him I have to act as if nothing is wrong.
I decide that it will be tonight that I do it. I will kill Jaffar. As a near the tent he and Nino share I know that I won't be able to. I still go however. Perhaps I just want to have a face to remember whenever something goes wrong and say "It's because of him. It's because of Jaffar that everything has gone wrong."
Nino opens the flap to the tent and shrinks back as she realizes who it is. But then she takes a breath and looks me square in the face.
"Are you here to try and kill Jaffar?"
I don't want to answer her, she is only a child but yet she is always around him.
"...I can't do it. I want to but I can't. I was going to come here and kill him...I would have...I know I can..."
"Matthew, he's changed. He's not like he was before!He's not the same person that killed her!" Nino cries and almost immmediatly bursts into tears.
I don't reply. I can't believe that he has changed just like that. I would be crazy to think that. Instead I just walk away back to my tent and lie down. "I can't even kill the man that killed you Leila...I'm sorry..."
I close my eyes and try not to think of the past, of what has happened but I can't help it. I keep seeing her smiling at me. When I awake it's no better. I said I wouldn't mourn for her while I was doing my job but I am...I'm a spy and I have to do my job. So why can't I?
"Why do you continue to be a spy Leila? I mean blimey, you're wanted! People want to kill you, aren't you afraid?"
"Of course I am. I wouldn't be human if I wasn't. It's just a job Matthew. Nothing more."
I awake to find no peace of mind,
I said, how do you live as a fugitive?
Down here where I cannot see so clear.
I don't know what to do. After this is all over...Where will I go? I'm not going back to Ostia except to resign. Why do I have no idea what to do? Aren't spies supposed to know exactly what to do in every situation?
I said, what do I know?
Show me the right way to go,
I can't stand this. I hate not knowing. Leila...What do I do? I take a deep breath and walk out of my tent. I put a smile on my face because that is what everyone expects of me. I have to be cheerful even if I don't want to be. Of course I run into Young Master and he's cross with me again. I think it's because I decided to take the liberty of putting food in his pack for him, he had said he was hungry.
"You're still mad about that? Why are you still mad about that?" I ask with a sigh.
"Ah nevermind."
"Oh Young Master, you are always so angry. I mean look at you when Lord Eliwood wanted to follow Nino to the Black Fang headquarters. You look quite humourous when you get angry actually, " I tell him. I don't mention Jaffar. I can't bring myself to.
He just gives me a look but says nothing. I know what he's thinking though, why am I not angry about that too? I had no say in the matter so of course because of that I am thought to have no opinion on the matter. It's just as well I suppose, I probably would have said to let Jaffar get killed and rot in some grave far from his beloved Nino. I'm a horrible person I think.
After that there is an awkward silence before Lord Hector figures he should be going to see Eliwood. I just walk along pretending to be fine and stealing people's gold. I stop by a stream and sit down on the bank. I take a stone out of my pocket and begin to sharpen my sword.
And the spies came out of the water,
But you're feeling so bad cos you know,
and the spies hide out in every corner,
But you can't touch them no,
Cos they're all spies, they're all spies.
I look into the water and jump back. I saw her in the reflection of the water. Soon I begin to see her everywhere I look, when I look down at the blade of my sword when I try to do anything she's there. Everywhere. I'm delusional, I know. Leila is dead and nothing in the whole entire world will bring her back...Why can't I stop thinking of her every waking moment? It hurts too badly to think of her so why do thoughts of her plague me constantly? I can't talk to anyone though I'm sure Eliwood would understand what is happening.
It's over...It's all over. The fight with Nergal, the struggle to stop him from freeing dragons again is finished. Everybody is so happy. I am...in a way. I keep thinking that what's happening with Lord Eliwood and Ninian would be happening to me if that bastard hadn't killed her. I know it's crazy to still hate him after all this time but I do. He killed her. I'll never forgive him. Never, never, never. I barely get any sleep now. I just can't close my eyes or else I'll see her lying there dead. Why is this happening to me? Is this some sort of punishment for everything I've done? I gues it can only get worse because I plan to form my own network of spies. If I'm not working for Ostia anymore I still want to know what's going on with everything.
When I tell Lord Hector he isn't angry and doesn't even ask why I'm leaving. He just says he understands. So I went home to my hometown and started there. It took awhile but now I have about 20 spies working directly with me and another twenty working with someone else that handles all the people in Illia and Bern.
But even though it's been ten years since I've seen anyone from Eliwood's Elite I can still remember how they all look like and exactly how they acted when I traveled with them. Timid Florina, uptight Kent(who is the steward of Caelin now) and the loud, obnoxious Serra. It's funny but I haven't ever forgotten his face. I remember Jaffar as if he's standing right in front of me and I remember how he's now living at home with Nino and they have 2 children. Even Lord Hector has a daughter now. I still can't sleep without dreaming about her or thinking I hear her call my name some nights. Ten years...I still go to see her though. I couldn't bring her back with me...it had been too long. I want to remember her as I saw her before she died not as a decomposing body, probably bones now.
I stop writing the information I found out about Eturia and look out the window of my small cabin. I can afford a much better house but I don't want one. What's the point in having a huge house when you're all alone? A strong wind blows the window open but I don't get up to close it. Spies...none of us are safe. We're all wanted by bounty hunters...they want us dead. I could be killed anytime because I'm freelance, I don't work for anyone but myself but Lord Hector does pay me for the information I get sometimes. Half the time I refuse to give him any even when he asks because I know I can get away with it. He has to respect his elders. It feels strange saying that. Lord Hector looks older than me because he has a beard but I've always been a few years older. The wind blows my hair into my face but I do nothing. I want to go see her, sometimes it just feels as if she's calling me to the Dread Isle though I know it's just in my head.
I awake to see that no one is free,
We're all fugitives,
Look at the way we live.
Down here, I cannot sleep from fear no.
Dart is in charge of the pirates now and he always takes me to the Dread Isle when Fargus' arthritis keeps him in bed. Why that old man insists on sailing even though he's too old to I'll never know. We never talk during the trip there or back. I don't know why, maybe they think that's what I want. I don't care, if people talk to me I'll talk back, I may be sad but I do still have a tongue to speak with. Regardless of that fact Fargus(apparently his bones don't hurt too much today) doesn't talk to me. I don't bother trying to make conversation. I just look at the water and laugh as I remember Guy's seasickness.
"What's so funny?" Fargus asks.
"...Nothing really. Just thought of something funny is all."
"Oh."
That's it. I must look quite miserable or something, I don't know, I tend to not look in reflective surfaces. I have developed an irrational fear that if I look I will see Leila. It's not that I don't want to see her but I prefer to not think of her too much, though I can hardly help it. The trip takes at least three days so I always stay on the Isle for awhile. Fargus just goes off on other deliveries or whatever it is he does then comes back for me then. I sometimes hope that in his old age he'll forget about me and leave me there. But he never does. But the even stranger thing is that nobody except for Dart and Fargus know about my trips to the Dread Isle. I don't go around telling everyone of course. Well, actually, Lord Hector came with me for a few years until the duties of the Marquess wouldn't let him leave Ostia and also the duties of a father. I'm fine with that, he has a good reason. ...I still don't know what to do. I never really have but even if I didn't I would pretend as if I did but I can't even do that anymore. I suppose that's why I can't be a spy anymore. I've forgotten how but I have all the spies that work for me which is just as nervewracking. I'm responsible for them all. I only know about half of all my spies personally but I do know that some are "together" and I worry about them most of all. I wouldn't be able to live if I let one of them die and left the other alone by themself. I know what that's like, to be left alone.
I said, which way do I turn?
I forget everything I learn,
But the spies came out of the water,
But you're feeling so bad cos you know,
and the spies hide out in every corner,
But you can't touch them though,
Cos they're all spies, they're all spies.
When I get to the Dread Isle Fargus surprises me and asks if he can come along.
"I don't own the Isle," I reply with a shrug.
We jumped into a small boat but I had to do all the rowing because Fargus is too old now. I don't care, it's only rowing and besides, it's not that far to shore anyway. When we land I pull the boat far onto the beach where the tide won't get it. I don't even have to look, I know exactly where Leila's grave is even though I didn't mark it very well. I have to slow down because Fargus has trouble keeping up with my quick pace but I don't mind, I'm in no real big hurry. I can remember the Isle even when I'm not there. The fog, the sense that once one gets there they will never get home.
I look down at Leila's grave and forget that Fargus is even there. I have a bad habit of talking to her when I come here and even at home. I think people belive I've gone mad but that's fine.
"Hello Leila... ... It's been a long time since I last visited hasn't it?"
There's no answer of course but I talk anyway. I think maybe it makes me feel better even if she doesn't answer. I feel the familiar feeling of horrible sadness come over me. I always say I won't cry when I come here, but I do. I still can't believe, even after all of these years, that she's really dead. I wish there was some way to bring her back but there isn't so why do I keep hoping there is? It's strange, my coming here every year around the same time but never telling anyone. It's like I'm trying to keep it a secret though I'm not. I don't know...I think it would probably be strange if alot of other people came here it kind of feels like it's just me and her when I'm here. It's like a hideout that everyone can get to but they choose not to I'm sure if anyone came here while I was here they'd just think I was some crazy man that had no home other than here.
And if we don't hide here,
They're going to find us,
If we don't hide now,
They're going to catch us where we sleep,
And if we don't hide here,
They're going to find us.
Leila...if I don't hide my coming here then everyone will know where to find me at all times... I almost wish they would, the bounty hunters. I kind of wonder what it's like to be dead...Until then I suppose I'll just come here like a coward and hide here crying like a child. You always were the more grown up one.
PHEW.'Twas long! I was thinking of breaking it up into two chapters but...no. I decided against it. Appearently people don't read my fanfics cause they're too long...ah well. If you read this, THANK YOU! I hope you liked it, and if you didn't...well, alright then.