Third Movement: Arigato, tou Sayonara
(Thank You, and Goodbye)
Rin didn't realize how late it had actually become. Since Jaken left her the sun had set and the servants were lighting the lanterns around the palace. It was dinnertime, but Rin didn't want to go back to her room though her stomach was growling. She was curious and yet she dreaded the conversations that were taking place in the open air gardens where Sesshomaru-sama had taken his guests after their afternoon tea. Word had it that Lord Sesshomaru had invited his guests to stay until the end of the moon's cycle, which was about a fortnight. She noticed several nymphs were escorted to the area for entertainment and the lanterns had been lit earlier. Rin watched how elegantly their sashes flowed behind them as they moved along the walkway. She was almost mesmerized by their elegant footsteps when suddenly, something hard knocked against her head.
"Ouch!" cried out Rin, glaring behind her at a grinning Jaken.
"Careful, Rin. Don't look too closely at nymphs; their spell is active even when they are not dancing," chuckled Jaken. "You're lucky that I was here to save you."
Rin rubbed her head ruefully. "You're lucky that I don't throw you into the water well," she grumbled.
"Now, now, is that any way to speak when I've brought you gifts of truce?" he asked. Jaken presented a meat bun in his hand and Rin took it gratefully.
"That's for helping me with my chores today," said Jaken. They ate in silence.
"Jaken, do you really think Sesshomaru-sama will choose that demoness as a mate?" she asked quietly, nibbling on her meat bun. Spirit food was very delicious, but she had to eat small portions of it as she was told once that demon food could have adverse effects on humans. As a child, she wondered if she would turn into a toad or something like that, as Jaken told her it would, but now grown, she wondered if Jaken was just playing a joke on her. But Yoko did tell her that demon food would make her smell change, and other demons might mistake her scent for that of their own kind.
"Who knows?" replied Jaken as he chewed an entire bun in his mouth.
"What will become of me, then?" asked Rin. "Surely the mistress of the palace will have a say as to whether or not I can stay here."
"Sesshomaru-sama will look after you, Rin. He always does, for some strange reason," replied Jaken
"Yes. But maybe he means to send me away?" asked Rin, remembering the conversation in Sesshomaru's chambers. "I guess it is better that way as well. I mean, even if spirit food makes me smell differently, I am a human through and through."
"Yes, that you are," said Jaken. He looked up at her and was startled by her facial expression. He had never seen Rin so sad before.
"Now Rin, you needn't worry. You will be well taken care of, regardless," smiled Jaken, handing her a vegetable bun. Rin continued to eat though she had ceased being hungry.
"I don't want to be away from here," said Rin quietly, her voice small and mouse-like.
"What was that?" asked Jaken, scarfing down the rest of his dinner and taking a swig from his wine jug.
"I don't want to be away from Sesshomaru-sama!" she cried, her mouth full of food and tears streaming down her face. Jaken was taken aback by the strength of her emotions at that moment. It was rare now that he should witness such emotional outbursts from a girl who was nothing but smiles. She hid her face in her long kimono sleeves.
"Rin," said Jaken, shocked at the reaction he was witnessing. Whether out of pity or out of friendship, he patted her shoulder to comfort her.
"I was actually wondering when this would happen," sighed Jaken. Rin looked up and wiped her eyes.
"You are a human, after all. And Sesshomaru-sama is just so magnificent, of course you never want to leave him. I'm the same way. But it never ceased to amaze me how well Sesshomaru-sama always treated you, an abandoned human girl. I wondered what it was about you that gave you the right to stay with us. You have heart, Rin. This is something that demons lack. I myself have benefited from that fact. But I am also worried."
"Worried?" asked Rin.
"As a child, you were harmless. In many ways you are still a child now, but you are grown into an adult. Your continued presence here makes those at the palace here, how shall I put it…? You make us a bit uncertain and uneasy."
"What have I done?" she asked.
"Nothing. It is your mere presence that puts the others ill at ease. Surely you are aware of our late leader's demise?" asked Jaken gently.
"A human lady was his undoing," said Rin shrewdly.
"You are sharper that I often take you for, Rin."
"Thanks, I think," she frowned. She pursed her lips in thought, and said, "So they are afraid that Sesshomaru-sama will travel the same path, and it will be the demise of the Inu Clan," said Rin to herself. She frowned at the unlikely thought of Sesshomaru-sama ever giving her any inclination of emotion towards her, especially romantic ones. Suddenly, she realized that this made her heart very sad. "That's impossible."
"You may be right," admitted Jaken.
"I didn't even realize.…" Tears began to well up in her eyes once more. Jaken looked at her quizzically. "I didn't even recognize my own feelings until now."
"I'm sorry, what?" asked Jaken, stuffing another dumpling into his mouth.
Sesshomaru was her idol when she was young. Tall, handsome, beautiful and graceful, he was an ideal protector. As she grew older, her admiration of him grew as well, and there is no one in her sheltered life whom she considered to be his equal. He was a cold, emotionless demon on the outside, but the fact that Rin has benefited from his patronage this long proves that he was not heartless. She always marveled at how generous he was with her, with everything, and how patient. It made her feelings for him stronger.
Still, Rin wanted more. She wanted to be near him always. She wanted to be alongside him on his adventures and travels. Never had she dreamed she would see so much of the world, and all the good and evil parts of it. She wanted to help him in all his endeavors if she could. Rin was always trying to make him laugh, although she never succeeded. But still, it was one of her most treasured goals in life. Now, sadly, she realized she may never fulfill that goal, and he would never have more than indifference towards her. He was a demon and she a human. He was immaculate and immortal, and she had dirt under her nails and her days were numbered; and she already died once.
He was a beautiful water lily, cool and calm amid the wet surface; she was a bright daisy amid a grassy field. They were too different for him to have any sort of romantic designs on her. If anything, Rin knew how Sesshomaru-sama honored his pure blood heritage. This was the one thing he in which would never follow in his father's footsteps.
Rin had never felt any emotions towards a man, yet her feelings for Sesshomaru-sama ran deep into the forest of her heart. In a revelation that was unfolding like a blossoming flower, Rin's eyes opened wide.
"Rin, surely you don't mean…?" asked Jaken rather in shock now. "You have feelings for….?" He couldn't even finish the sentence. It was too terrible to mention.
"I don't know!" said Rin in frustration. She got up and began pacing the floor. "It wasn't until I overheard Lord Sesshomaru and his guests and their intentions." She frowned. "That demon could never make him happy, I just know it! I want to be the one--" she stopped short. "I want to be the one at his side."
"Rin, I told you that demons and humans—" began Jaken reproachfully.
"I know. I know!" she said in exasperation. She took a breath to calm herself. "I know for certain that I don't want to be parted from Sesshomaru-sama. I know that I hold him in the highest esteem. I would take my leave of him if that is what he wishes, but if he expects me to go out into the world and find my own…husband…." Her voice trailed off. "I cannot do this. Having known Lord Sesshomaru, and traveled long in his company, humans seem so petty and completely…unappealing."
"But you're human, Rin!" asserted Jaken.
"I know that! Lady Akiko wants something different from what I want. She wants his land, his power and reputation. I don't want any of that. I just don't want him to cast me away. I don't want to be apart from him. Surely she doesn't love him! She doesn't even know him. But having traveled with him for so long, I want to believe that I understand him better than she could. I don't know what it is I feel, but these feelings are different from what they were when I was a child. My feelings are the same but different now. I want him to be pleased with me. I want him to smile. Most of all, I never want to be parted from him." Her wishes were relentless, like the tide. She was certain that she would do anything for him. Even die. She paced around a bit more, trying to sort out her feelings with words and rationale.
"Part of me stays here to repay my life debt to him, but another part is…it must be…." She let her voice drift off. Rin closed her eyes and pictured Sesshomaru-sama in his traditional garb and his long hair flowing behind him. It must be love.
"I want to always be close to him so that I can smell his fragrance. Even when I am old and ugly I want to always be able to look upon his beauty." She pictured the silhouette of Lord Sesshomaru as she has seen in many times in her dreams. She hugged herself with her arms as if to cling to that image. "He is the only person who has ever showed me kindness after my family died. I was all alone before that. No one would take me in and I had to steal my food. He brought me back to life and has taken care of me all this time. He strongly dislikes humans, yet he spared me. Surely, there is good in him! I love him for that." She opened her eyes and saw Jaken staring back sadly at her.
"Is it wrong of me?" asked Rin.
"Your heart is very human, Rin," he sighed.
"I know that Sesshomaru will not accept me for I have nothing to give him; no dowry, no titles, no money, no magical talents to speak of," she said and sighed. "No demon blood. I do not even have the slightest hope of him returning these feelings. I am completely unable to get through his indifference."
"That's not entirely true, Rin," smiled Jaken weakly, jabbing the sharp end of his staff into the ground to dig a small purposeless hole in the ground. "You said so yourself. Perhaps he took pity on you. But for whatever reason that caused him to take up guardianship over you, it is more than indifference that he feels. You are the only person whom Lord Sesshomaru tolerates to be with for long periods of time, human or demon, regardless of the hundreds of questions you ask. He has more patience for you than anyone I know of. Perhaps it is your inquisitiveness that interests him, the innocence of humans. Perhaps he wants to understand his father better, and understand the reason why our great former leader would die for a human lady. Sesshomaru-sama doesn't always think about conquest and power and stepping on everyone in his way. Having been with him so long, I understand that he does actually have feelings beneath those inscrutable features."
"Feelings," repeated Rin. She realized that she and Jaken had never strung Sesshomaru's name in the same sentence with that word.
"Perhaps, I am saying too much. Truth be told, Sesshomaru-sama may not admit it, but he does care for you, Rin. I have never known him to come so quickly to anyone's rescue. You are the only person, aside from an occasional gesture towards his brat younger brother Inuyasha, he has ever rescued." Jaken sighed and leaned against his wooden staff with two grotesque wooden heads carved at the top. "He's never rescued me," sulked Jaken. "I don't know if it's right to tell you these things when we cannot hope for anything to come out of it, but I've said it."
"We?" asked Rin curiously. "What do you hope for, Jaken-sama?"
"I admit that I'd rather keep you here than have that demoness move in. Demons of her stature are known for their harsh treatment of servants and I shudder to think of her temperament after Lady Akiko, or someone like her, is established as the head of his house."
Rin smiled bitterly. "Then I must certainly go then. I cannot imagine her, or any other demoness for that fact, treating me with kindness."
"Nor can I," sighed Jaken. "But surely you can wait until Lord Sesshomaru makes some preparations for you? I'm sure he intends to. We are not certain that Sesshomaru-sama will even choose a mate at this point."
"But choose he must for the clan will not survive without it. Inuyasha-sama wants nothing of this inheritance. Sesshomaru-sama is the hope of the Inu Clan. Lord Sesshomaru's burden is great."
She paused as the group was approaching. "Here they come now to remind me that this all has nothing to do with me," sighed Rin as she noticed Sesshomaru-sama and his guests walking out toward the garden and coming towards them. For once in her life, she was nervous at the thought of Sesshomaru-sama coming near her. Perhaps he sensed this, as he purposefully led them in another direction. Was she imagining things? Was he trying to spare her the encounter? But they had already caught sight of her, and as they honed in on her presence suddenly Rin felt like she was being watched by a hawk and a vulture. She was self-conscious of her posture, her clothing, and what her first words to them would be. She was not about to put Sesshomaru-sama or her tutors to shame. This was actually the first time she would actually use what she's learned in front of other people.
"Well, well," smiled the old demon rather disingenuously. "And whom do we have here?" he asked, scanning her carefully from head to toe. His surprise at her beauty was almost expected by Rin, who concluded that he probably imagined her to be a country bumpkin. Most of her species were. Rin gave her most graceful curtsey, so graceful that her muscles in her thighs were complaining all the way down from lack of use in those areas. Her robe and skirts of silk "swished" so elegantly and landed around her in an almost perfect circle around her feet as she bowed low. She was not a princess, but she could at least present herself like one. She ignored the sound of Jaken's jaw dropping to the ground.
"My name is Rin, Exalted One," she said in a dulcet tone. As instructed, she gave him an honorific title, since she presumed that he was a demon with much land in his possession, and she kept her eyes on the hem of his robe.
"If my nose hadn't given it away, I would have almost passed you for a noble demon," he chuckled.
"I am honored by your praise, sir," said Rin. How rude, she thought. That was hardly a compliment. Are you saying I smell?
"Please rise, young maid, such formalities are unnecessary," he smiled.
And yet you were enjoying every minute of it, you vulture, she thought as she smiled her sweetest fakest smile she could ever conjure to appear upon her face. She stood up and faced both of them squarely, without fear or hesitation. I know you dislike the sight of me.
"My, my Lord Sesshomaru," said Lady Akiko. "I have heard that your gardens are beautiful but this flower is surely most rare and delightful."
"Her ladyship does me great honor with her words," said Rin, folding her hands in her sleeves and making a smaller bow.
"But surely this flower is possessed of great qualities to be here, among the rarest of flowers," smiled the old noble.
"I have no talents to speak of, my Lord," she responded, gracefully placing sleeve in front of her face as a sign of humility.
"Do you take music lessons, Rin?" asked Lady Akiko directly.
"Only the flute," she responded.
"Surely we can entreat you to do us the honor of playing for us?" asked the noble.
"I could not be so presumptuous. Nothing I play could be of interest to such refined tastes as yours, sir," she said as she made a small bow. Rin wanted nothing more than to run away at that moment, but no excuses would save her now. Everyone was watching. Jaken was still staring with wide eyes and a slack jaw at her complete change of character. He had always presumed the lessons to be wasted on her since she really behaved like such a country bumpkin in front of him.
"Oh please do," said Lady Akiko with her false smile, pointedly wanting to make a fool of her. I won't let you, thought Rin decisively.
"If it pleases Sesshomaru-sama," she said, not meeting his eyes.
"Do whatever you like. I care not," he responded and he turned away. She could not decipher the meaning behind the tone of his voice.
"Then, I beg your indulgence," she said with a smile, closing her eyes. Rin extended her right arm out, displaying the full glory of her beautiful kimono sleeve. Then she bent her arm at the elbow, reaching behind her she pulled out her long flute, something she tucked away in her obi at all times. She twirled it expertly like a baton twice between her fingers, thankfully without dropping it, and in one sweeping move brought the mouthpiece to her lips. Her eyes were still closed but her fingers were already in position. She took one deep breath and relaxed her entire body and played a song she had composed herself recently, without the knowledge of her tutor.
Rin thought about the velvet night sky and blew out the first, solitary note. It was lonely and heartfelt. Then she thought of the clouds parting to reveal a glorious full moon. Her notes elevated towards the sky and continued capriciously as the sky in her mind's eye filled with stars, some stationary and some shooting across the horizon. Then, she was suddenly hit with the profoundly lonely thought of having to leave Sesshomaru-sama at the request of this lady and her father. Or worse: at his own request. Her emotions spilled over as she played an extremely complex string of notes in a melody that sounded excited, but frustrated. Then, the final movement was a sad, melancholy tune. It was something that she called the "essence of Sesshomaru-sama," whom she imagined to be very lonely at times. His solitude was what made him so achingly beautiful. It was profoundly rich in tone, flowing like his hair in the wind; the timbre was pale in the light, and painful in the dark. Then it faded, and was gone in a single note, just as it began. Like her mortality.
As she exhaled to release the remainder of the emotion that had fueled the song, she imagined that Jaken was about to fall off his perch beside her. Everyone was completely speechless. Rin knew that she had played well, but suppressed a smug smile. Her face remained emotionless.
"How lovely," said Lady Akiko, not knowing what else to say.
"I have never heard such a piece. Is it something from the realm of men?" asked the noble.
"No," she responded. "It is not."
"Something you composed then? Impressive! Very impressive. Does it have a name?" he asked.
"It remains nameless," she lied. It took her quite some time to name it, but the song was named after him. It fit Lord Sesshomaru perfectly.
"Pity," he said. "If you'll excuse us, then," said the noble, walking away. Rin gave another stunningly graceful curtsey and remained bowed. Lady Akiko gave a slight nod as if acknowledging touché as she walked away. Lord Sesshomaru was still staring at her, however. Rin dared not meet his eyes. She watched the hem of his robes as he hesitated, then he too, quietly walked away. When they were out of sight, she felt suddenly out of strength, and Rin slumped back and sat on the grassy earth with a sigh of relief.
"I'm so glad I didn't dishonor Sesshomaru-sama. Do you think he's angry with me?" asked Rin. They were trying to pick on her right in front of Sesshomaru. It was unforgivable. Jaken shook himself out of his stupor looked at her in awe.
"Rin," he said, still gawking. "I never knew you had it in you."
"The tutoring paid off, I guess," she sighed.
"That tune…it was really nice. You have a gift for these things."
"My mother used to play the flute before we became poor and she had to sell it."
"It was really stupendous!" he exclaimed.
"Arigatou, Jaken. I call it, 'The White Wolf.'"
"Ah, sou," nodded Jaken. "It suits him."
"Jaken," she said quietly after the moment passed. "I think I'm going to go away."
"What! Where!" he asked, doing a double take.
"I feel like I need to be on my own now. I've learned everything I can from being here. Perhaps I should return to where I belong," she sighed.
"Where will you go?" he asked.
"I'm not sure. Maybe I'll go back to my family origins.…" Her thoughts drifted to a place she had never seen, but had been described to her in bedtime stories from her father. "Maybe Kagome-san and Inuyasha-sama can let me stay in their village. But I don't think that I can stay another night with those two. They'll be picking on me for entertainment every time they see me. And I don't like being treated like a plaything. I don't wish to bring dishonor to Sesshomaru-sama or embarrassment to him by simply being here. Listening to him today, when he was trying to explain my presence here…it was burdensome. So I think I'm just going to go away."
"When?" he asked.
"As soon as possible. Will you help me pack the right things?" she asked.
"Yoko and I will help you, then, Rin," he sighed. "Sesshomaru-sama will not be happy about this."
"Sesshomaru-sama has many other things to think about," she replied. "I am the least of his worries."
Jaken and Yoko had packed her things. She traveled light in a shorter, plain cotton kimono. She had her knife and her short sword tucked under her sash. At the bequest of Yoko, Rin wore a light brown cloak that covered most of her body. Yoko warned that bandits and other foul creatures of the night would try to take advantage of her if they knew she was a girl. Jaken also gave her a wide brimmed straw hat to shield her from the sun and the rain. Rin donned metal plated arm braces to help her block attacks properly, as well as metal shin guards under her leggings which were tied with simple hemp. She had all the appearances of an anonymous traveler. They had packed enough food for her to get to Kaede-san's village, where she would have to refill. Beyond that, she was on her own. Tucking her flute into the back of her sash, and her levitation amulet into her shirt, she was off. As Rin leaped onto the wall of the palace, she tossed an envelope to Jaken.
"Thank you both for everything. If Sesshomaru-sama asks, give that letter to him. If not, then don't say anything until it becomes obvious. I know it will be difficult, but I want to get as far ahead as possible. Retrieving me won't be worth it after that," she sadly smiled.
"You may be surprised, Rin," said Yoko.
"Be careful!" said Jaken.
"Good luck," said Yoko.
Rin disappeared behind the wall soundlessly and began her journey under the cover of darkness.
"Sesshomaru-sama:
Please do not be offended by my absence and lack of notice to you. I mean no disrespect but I have always hated goodbyes. As I have grown older, my presence in your court has become more difficult. My absence will spare you the trouble of having to explain my presence. I thank you for everything. Rin will go out on her own now, and find her own wings. Do not forget me, Sesshomaru-sama.
With a life's worth of gratitude,
Rin."