SHOCK HORROR SHOCK HORROR or The Grand adventures of Clark Luthor

Chapter 1: The Results

The Kents were all gathered in there kitchen, enjoying their lunch when they heard a knock on there door. They all know who it was and why he was here. They even knew what he was going to say...or they thought they did.

Jonathan opened the door for his old friend and asked him to join them. An offer which Ethan declined with a serious look on his face. The Kents turned to look at each other. Now they were worried.

"Well, you all know why I'm here," he said as he handed Jonathan a brown envelope. "You were all right. Miss Dunleavy isn't Clark's mother"

At that, everyone gave a huge sigh of relief and smiled at the sheriff, but before any of them could say anything else, the man continued to speak.

"But Lionel Luthor is in fact, Clark's father."

Everyone went silent. Not even a pin dared to drop as the Kent's faces were plastered with the same 'what-the-fuck?!' expressions. A fly literally flew into Clark's mouth before he spat it out with a disgusted look and put into eloquent words, what everyone else was thinking.

"What the fuck?!!"

"Clark!" his mother exclaimed, pursing her lips as she gave him 'the look'. It took a while before the boy actually realized that he had even spoken and he blushed, giving out a quiet "sorry" and then turned to look at the floor.

"But-but, how can that be possible? I mean we'd-"Jonathan shouted before he shut up, realizing that he had almost accidentally told the cop that Clark switched his alien DNA sample with Pete's human one.

Pete's DNA...that meant that...

"Oh no!" The blond man exclaimed as the un-oiled wheels began to turn in his head.

Martha and Clark seemed to be thinking along the same line for they all turned to look at each other again, this time with an 'Oh-shit!' expression on their faces.

"Well, since there's nothing I could for you, I guess I'll be leaving" Ethan said, sensing the heavy tension in the room and eager to escape it as he lets himself out.

The Kents continued to look at each other in the same fashion for a while until the phone decided to break the silence.

They left the phone ringing for a while, but the effect of the silent tension was already lost so Martha broke eye contact and picked up the phone.

"Hello? Yes, Mr. Luthor," at that Kent men turned to listen. "Yes, we just got them. Yes. Yes. OK, we'll be there Mr. Luthor." Then she hung up and turned to her family. "Lionel Luthor wants us over for dinner at the mansion tomorrow. He just got the results and wants to have a talk with Clark."

Her face was as pale as the rest of her family and Jonathan slumped down onto the sofa.

"What are we going to do?" Clark asked as he looked to his parents, hoping for answers he'll never get.

"Well, I suppose we have dinner at the mansion tomorrow." Martha replied. It was clearly not the answer Clark had been looking for.

"Can't we just ask for a retest?" Jonathan asked.

"Not without Lionel's permission, we could try asking him but he might get suspicious or offended since he seemed rather happy about being Clark's father. And if we do get permission, whose DNA are we going to use? If it comes out completely different they might realize that there's been a switch."

"So what are we going to do? Accept that he's Clark's father now? Isn't it bad enough that he owns almost everything in this town? Now he has my Clark too? This is a conspiracy. A conspiracy! Part of Lionel Luthor's plan to take over the world!" Jonathan shouted angrily.

"Jonathan calm down. There's really nothing we can do, at least not now. So maybe we should just go to dinner with him and see how it goes." Once again Martha was the calm one in the family.

"What about Pete?" Clark cut in.

"What about him?"

"It's his DNA. Don't you think he should know the results?"

"But Clark, Pete hates Lionel. He'll probably kill himself if he finds out. You know that."

"But he'll find out about the results sooner or later, dad."

Jonathan moved closer to give his son a pat on the back. "Well son, I suppose you'll have to go tell Pete then."

Clark sighed loudly before nodding defeatedly. He pulled on his denim jacket before speeding off to see his friend.

"So..." Clark started as he shifted nervously on his best friend's sofa. Pete was currently looking at him with a goofy grin on his face.. Clark wondered if he'd ever see it again after he told him.

"So you wanna shoot some hoops man?" Pete asked, bouncing the orange ball between his legs. When Clark gave him a grim expression, his face instantly became more serious.

"Clark, what's wrong?"

"Well...um. I-I don't know how to say this Pete, but, um. OK, here goes...I got the DNA results. It matched with Lionel Luthor's."

Pete's eyes widen in shock for a few minutes. Then he burst out laughing. Hysterically.

"Pete? Pete, are you alright?" This wasn't the reaction he'd expected and he wondered if he'd just pushed his friend over the edge.

Pete sobered after a few (very long) minutes.

"Good one Clark. I mean, I almost believed you there for a second. Damn you deserve an Oscar for that."

Clark bit his lips. "Actually, I wasn't kidding," he said as he handed the brown envelope to his friend.

The boy took it and looked at it for a while. Then fainted.

"Whoa! I just had the strangest dream" Pete slurred as his eyes flutter open.

"Pete, how many fingers am I holding up?" Clark asked as he held up three fingers.

"Six. Anyway Clark, in this dream-"

"You were Lionel Luthor's son" Clark finished for him.

"Yeah, how did you know?"

"Cause it's not a dream." Clark handed the envelope to his friend again.

The guy looked at it. Then fainted. Again

A few hours later, Pete stirred.

"Man was that a dream?" he said sluggishly.

"No, it wasn't." Clark replied.

"So I did make out with Denise Richards?" Pete said with a grin.

"Um, no that was probably a dream."

"Oh, too bad. So, what are you doing here man? Been waiting long? Sorry I dosed off. "

"Pete. IcameheretotellyouthatIgottheresultsfortheDNAtestbackandthatyou'reLionelLuthor'sson." He said all this in one breath and handed the envelope, once again to his friend. "I'm not kidding."

Pete fainted. AGAIN!

It was dark by the time Pete was up again, and this time Clark looked straight at him in the eye. He had the envelope in his hand.

"Pete. DON'T FAINT"

Pete saw the envelope. And fainted.

Clark gave a very frustrated sigh. He was through with his friend's narcoleptic episode. He knew the news was shocking, but not enough to make you faint EVERY TIME YOU HEAR IT.

Who knew Pete Ross was such a drama queen.

Clark started hitting his head on the table, before he remembered how hard his head actually was and decided against it. So instead, he super-speeded back to the barn. His friend will have to come to terms with the news eventually.

Once Clark was back in the barn, he leaped silently (as silently as he can that is) up to his 'Fortress of Solitude' and began to strip.

Nobody else know this, but Clark is actually practicing to become a nudist.

He had discovered nudism when he had looked through the mail last year and found a brochure advertising a Nudist Colony. It had been sent to the wrong address but after reading it, Clark thought it was a good idea. It wasn't a perverted thing, but actually a place where everyone accepted each other as well as themselves. A place where people had literally, nothing to hide. Clark figured, it might help him with his shyness and also help him deal with his secrets.

Like, naked therapy.

And it wasn't like Clark had a sense when it comes to clothing anyway.

Clark had been practicing this by walking around naked in the barn or super-sonicing naked around the barn. But he had never actually let anyone see him naked before. He was still too shy and too quick to be caught with his pants down.

He usually calmer when he was naked and this situation needed much calming. So he was walking around butt naked when he realized that he wasn't alone.

"Clark!?!"

The boy spun around to meet with the pink clad Lana Lang. It was too late to get dressed now.

"Lana...hi" He had a dear caught in head light look on his face and his entire body turned crimson.

Lana bit her pretty pink lips and raised her eyebrow, gesturing to his, still uncovered, dangly bits.

"Oh", Clark exclaimed as he grabbed the nearest object. Which happened to be a piece of steak his mum left for him since he missed dinner.

Lana's face was also crimson as she continued to look at him. And she burst out laughing.

"I like your meat Clark." She said between chokes of laughter.

Then Clark realized what he held in his hands. His blushed became an even deeper shade of red as he looked to the floor and put the meat down and instead, grabbed the nearest pillow. The pillow was now dirty, but he could worry about that later.

"I-I...um, I was, uh, just, I was, a-about to change." Clark stuttered for the millionth time that day.

"Well, I-uh, I suppose I should be turning around then." She said with a smile on her face. Yet she didn't turn around.

Now it was Clark's turn to bite his pretty pink lips and raise his eyebrow, gesturing for her to turn around.

"Oh, "Lana exclaimed as she turned around. But she had a compact mirror in her hand and used it to look at Clark's ass.

"Ok you can turn around now," Clark said once he was clothes. "So, what are you doing here?"

"I just, needed to get out of the house you know. I'm sorry I just barged in like this, your parents said I could wait for you here."

"Oh, well you're always welcomed." He said as he gestured for the girl to sit down.

"So what's up?" Lana said as she sat down.

Clark sighed again, also for the millionth time that day. "Well, the DNA results came out today."

"So was your prediction right?"

"Well, kinda. According to the test, Miss Dunleavy isn't my mother but Lionel Luthor is my father."

Lana's eyes widen. "Wow, well that's a shock" she said, stating the obvious as she puts her arms around Clark in a 'comforting' manner. Her small limps, barely going around his broad chest.

"Tell that to Pete, he fainted when I told him."

"Really? Too bad missed that...So, what are you going to do?"

"I'm meeting with Lionel Luthor at the mansion tomorrow. Other than that, I have no idea."

"Well, I guess you'll just have to take it as it comes."

"Yeah," Clark said softly as Lana curled around him on the sofa. Her hands playing with his curls.

Inwardly Lana smirked, barely able to control her snicker. Not only did she get to see him naked, but she also found out that playboy billionaire Lex Luthor, was out of 'the race'. Now that Lex is related to Clark, there's no way he'd make a move on him. And if he did, he'll probably be rejected.

Which puts him even more out of the league for Clark than her.

Lana Lang had always known of Clark's crush on her, but he never know that she felt the same about him. The only reason Lana never let herself get too close to him was because she had a secret. A big secret.

Lana Lang had a dick.

She wasn't born with it or anything. But it was after the meteor shower that it happened. The meteors mutated her and now she was a bisexual...literally. That's why she never went out with Clark. The girl knew that she had a beautiful body, but when it comes down to it, who would date a girl with a dick?

So she never went after Clark and tried to keep herself on the pedestal, being the perfect princess in everyone's eyes.

Whitney was an exception. Whitney was as straight as a U-turn curve. And Whitney knew her secret.

It happened just before high school, when Whitney came to visit her and accidentally walked in on her in the bathroom. And since Whitney discovered her secret, he decided to tell her his. So he came out to her, telling her that he was gay and having a crush on, who else but Clark Kent. After that, Whitney became her secret 'gay best friend'.

So, they made a deal with each other. Lana would pretend to be Whitney's girlfriend so no one will suspect that he's gay and in turn, Lana would become the most popular girl in school. Something that she had thought she wanted then. They also agreed that neither of them would make a move on Clark or their secret, is out. And that was how it had always been

That was until she realized that Clark had a secret too. A big one.

One that she hoped would make hers pale in comparison. So she decided, if she could get Clark to tell her his secret, she might be able to get him to date her, despite her own secret. So she broke the pact she made with Whitney and made a move.

Unfortunately, Whitney found out about it and wanted revenge.

That led on to the 'scarecrow' incident. He knew the only thing would affect her other than spilling her secret would be to hurt Clark. And he did.

She was so mad at him when she found out. And Mr. Perfect had to go and save life too. Not only proving that he was brave but also that he was forgiving and caring too. That and he made Whitney go all swooney for days.

Eventually Lana forgave him. He was her best friend after all and Clark seemed alright after the scarecrow thing. And since they both made a move on Clark by then, they figured they were even. Not that Clark noticed Whitney was hitting on him with a sledge hammer, that was part of what he loved about him. She doubt he'll even notice if he'd hit on him with a real sledge hammer. The man was as strong and as thick as a brick wall. Kinda like Whitney actually.

The thick part. Not the strong part.

Anyway, after that they both made a deal. Whoever got Clark to tell them his secret first gets to have him. And since then both of them had been trying to get Clark to spill. Which he didn't, no matter how many times he'd save both of their lives.

Then Whitney's father died, and everything changed. And now Whitney's joined the marines.

God she missed him. Missed their little fights, missed talking to him. She even missed his gloating about how he got to see Clark in his boxers and she didn't. She was going to have to write to him. He'll be so jealous when he finds out she got to see Clark completely naked, she thought as she watched the buzzing TV screen in front of her.

Clark had turned on a movie and was currently throwing popcorn into his mouth. His body was warm next to hers and she moved just a little closer.

So since Lex is Clark's brother and Whitney is in the marines, there's only Chloe to worry about. And Clark's not even interested in her for some weird unexplained reason. I mean she has a really curvy and hot body and despite the occasional snarkyness she's still one of the nicest person she knew. Oh well, that just means more of Clark for her. And she realized, despite everything that had happened, this was still one of her best weeks ever.

She looked up at Clark again. Yeah, Whitney would definitely be jealous of her.

TBC