Remus Lupin lay on his bed in a darkened room. He had been there for three days, ever since Dumbledore had come to break the news to him. That his best friends, Lily and James, were dead. That Sirius had killed them. Pain and grief tore at his insides; he had never felt this before. There had been times, after the werewolf bite had poisoned his life forever, that he had felt despair, but never as true and rare as this. His brain struggled to comprehend that he must hate Sirius now, but that burns even more and he turns to memory to escape the torture of the present.
When Remus had finally been bullied into telling his three closest friends about his condition, it had been Sirius who had been the most active. He dimly smiled as he remembered that dull day by the lake. They had gone there for privacy, the four of them, but it was bitterly cold and the wind ripped through them. "So Remus, what can we do to help you?"
"What?" asked Remus, looking up from the ground, startled by Sirius's question.
"What can we do?"
"Sirius I don't think there's anything we can do. Other than, you know, be sympathetic" James said shyly, but Remus nodded his agreement vigorously. Sirius subsided into thought. "Look, Sirius, I appreciate the thought, believe me. I'm just in shock that you three are still here. That's all I care about"
Peter looked shiftily at the ground; he was actually quite scared about being friends with a werewolf. He kept giving Remus anxious looks as if he was going to transform right there. Remus had pretended not to notice it, but Sirius did. "Peter, it's not a bloody full moon so would you please stop looking at him like that? If you're not OK with this, well you can just bugger off"
"It's OK Sirius, give him time to adjust" Remus interjected, but Sirius continued to glare at him.
They had learned about animagi in third year. In McGonagall's class, she had turned into a cat with a small pop, to loud applause. Sirius however was scribbling something on a piece of parchment, which he aimed at Remus's desk. It said 'we could do that!' Quite simply, at that moment, Remus's life changed forever. Once Sirius had got hold of the idea there was no shaking him from it. He was absolutely determined, actually reading everything he could get his hands on about the subject. Still, they hadn't banked on how difficult it was going to be. It had required intense concentration over long years of study. Sirius got it first, of course, his enthusiasm pushing the others forwards.
The first time he had done it, the whole transformation, only Remus had been with him. James was at Quidditch practice and Peter was off somewhere on his own. The two boys were standing opposite one another, looking in to eachother's eyes, trying to gain strength. Then all at once, instead of Sirius just growing hair and whiskers, he became a bog, a real black dog jumping at Remus's feet. Remus had laughed in delight, and the dog barked happily up at him. When Sirius had re-transformed, the effort of it sent him tumbling into Remus, Remus holding him to try to keep him upright. The unexpected contact had broken through Remus's defences, and he had felt a line of tingling up form his stomach into his chest. Shocked, they had held eachother for a while, until Sirius had come to his sense and snapped back in to Sirius mood. "Woo! I did it Rem, did you see!"
"Of course I saw you great idiot, you were a dog!"
They had laughed in jubilation, but that night Remus had gone to bed in the stark realisation, no longer to be avoided, that he was in love with Sirius Black.
The man lying on the bed smiled a half smile at this memory, before dragging himself up and into the shower. The cold water cascaded over his scarred body, numbing him to further recollection. He stayed there for what seemed like hours, washing himself clean of the pain and anguish. It was only after the shower, when he was half heartedly making himself something to eat, that he realised he had been thinking about Sirius the entire time. He had even made Sirius's favourite meal. Looking at the floor, he made a gesture as if to throw it away, but stayed his hand, and ate solitarily at the table. His stomach squirmed and made to reject the food, but he forced it down, wryly thinking of Sirius's comments if he threw up this meal. The last time he had eaten this food was before everything, at this table, with Sirius. He had looked over at him while he ate and felt the love in his heart consume him. Sirius had looked over and laughed affectionately at him.
He hadn't always been so accepting. Remus smiled ruefully at how long Sirius had rejected his own feelings, flirting with every girl he came across, ignoring the fact that when they looked at eachother, there was a visible spark, and that he couldn't touch him without dashing off in embarrassment. Later, Sirius had told him how it was James who made him admit it to himself, by asking him why he was so unreasonably jealous of Remus's friendship with one of Lily's friends. Sirius had lay awake all night, thinking about Remus, and in the morning, with the rush and bravery of acknowledged feeling, Sirius had held Remus back from going down to breakfast. "Are you alright Padfoot? You look half dead"
"Yeah" Sirius smiled, "didn't get much sleep last night"
Sirius hadn't let go of his arm, Remus had realised, the fact registering like a bell in his brain.
"Listen Moony, I have to tell you something. Well, um, we've always been friends, you and I, and um, well…screw it" and suddenly Sirius had kissed him, knocking the breath out of him. They had pulled eachother closer, Sirius's fingers in his hair. They broke apart at last, breathing hard, looking at eachother, scared to see their reaction. Remus had been the one to break the silence, a balloon of joy growing in his chest. "Padfoot, I love you". In answer, Sirius had kissed him again, and again and again. They had missed breakfast, which for Sirius was a big deal. That was seventh year, two long years of longing over. James had know, of course, how could he not? It had been he who had brought them together. For that and so many other things, Remus had had to thank James for.
But he was dead. Remus was unable to process this. TI was just two years ago they had been married, on a hot summer's day with all their friends present – everyone had taken the day off from the grim realities of the Order of the Phoenix to celebrate the Potter's wedding. Lily had been so radiant, Remus remembered that during the ceremony the sun had caught her hair and made it glow. She looked like an angel. Remus had understood why James had waited so long for her, and he, and everyone else on that day, had basked in their happiness. Sirius had crept up behind Remus, wrapping his arms round his waist. "I wish we could have this" he had whispered in his ear, his warm breath tickling. Was he in league with Voldemort even then? Remus shook his head to be rid of the thought, but it had persisted.
The last few months of the relationship had been strained. Everyone knew there was a spy, and Remus knew Sirius had suspected him, or had pretended to as it turned out. They had argued and fought; the tension of the war finally forcing cracks in their relationship. But at times they had been so tender together, sharing a bed when Sirius stayed over and comforting eachother after the horrible nightmares. Remus had never truly suspected Sirius, he had known him too well, or so he though. Once, they lay together sleeping when Sirius had awoken, and lay watching him. His movement to push hair out of Sirius's eyes had woken him and they had watched dawn come together. They had had sex before breakfast, taking out their grievances on eachother's bodies. But the next day they had rowed for the last time, and Sirius walked out. That had been two weeks ago, and now Remus would never see him again. He felt traitorous, but his body still ached for Sirius's touch, his kisses. He missed him unbearably; the pain he felt for James and Lily's death was tripled, even though he felt guilty for it.
The fireplace in Remus's flat grew flames, and Albus Dumbledore stepped out, brushing his clothes down. "Remus" he said, a world of sympathy in his eyes. "No one has seen you for days, so I assumed you'd still be here." The old man crossed the room to where Remus was standing and embraced him, a fatherly hug. "Remus old friend, is there anything I can do for you?" Remus shook his head slowly, thinking that no one could understand right now. But then one thing dawned on him "um, actually Professor, there is. Um, there are a couple of things Sirius left here, could you take them away and, um, dispose of them?" Dumbledore smiled his assent understandingly. Remus gathered together the few things left lying around, a toothbrush in the bathroom, some papers – on he noticed, with a sickening stab to his heart, had his name doodled in the margin – and a mug from the cupboard with Sirius's name on it. He put the few items in a bag, marvelling at how quickly Sirius could be cleared out of his life. It was only as he gave the bag to Dumbledore that he realised there was a robe in the washing basket. He meant to get it, but something stopped him and he didn't mention it.
He girded his last remaining courage to ask Dumbledore about Harry. James and Lily's tiny son. He had been such a joy to them all – a source of hope in the dark times, and it had been him who had finally saved them all from them. A baby, now parentless. They thought of Harry's loss and loneliness made Remus's heart shiver, he hated such an innocent to be touched by grief so young. Dumbledore did his best to explain Lily's sacrifice and its effect to him, but could tell the grief stricken man, try as hi might, didn't really care. "Remus" he said quietly, "tell me about you and Sirius"
Remus's head snapped up – did he know? Very few people had, just James Lily and Peter, and his parents of course. All of whom were now dead. But then, Dumbledore always had a knack for knowing things.
"You know we were..?" Remus asked tentatively, unsure of where this was heading. Dumbledore nodded sadly. "Remus, I know that you are suffering from Sirius's loss as well. It's difficult I know. Just tell me about it, it'll help." His blue eyes twinkled encouragingly. Remus needed no further invitation.
"I remember when Sirius came out to his parents. He did it for me."
"Moony my dear fellow, would you just stop worrying? Your parents love you, and if they can cope with you wolfiness they can cope with this."
Remus had smiled, but anxiety still tore at his insides. He was going home today, and had resolved to finally tell his parents he was gay. Sirius, to his inner horror, had said he would come with him, and he had not had the heart to say no. The two boys had arrived at the Lupin's house, both quaking. Remus was very uncertain about how they were going to react to this, let alone him turning up with a fully fledged boyfriend. They had been sitting in Remus's room, not talking, when Sirius had finally had a brainwave. "Moony" he said "follow me", and with a pop he apparated. Concentrating on him, if rather bewildered, Remus apparated to Sirius, who he found was, to his intense dismay, into a large gathering of people. Looking hesitantly around, Remus noticed to his horror that many of them were dark wizards. What had Sirius got him into now? He cursed. Sirius, noting his discomfort, grasped his hand, calling out "Mum, Dad, you here?" What could only have been his parent appeared in the middle of the group around the two boys. "What the hell are you doing here boy?" Snarled Sirius's father, while his mother was clearly trying to figure out a way to spin this to her important friends. "Well, thought I'd drop by. Heard you were having a party" said Sirius airily. Then "I have a small announcement to make, parents most foul. I'm gay!" and without warning had turned and kissed Remus hard on the lips. When they broke the kiss, Sirius muttered "best be going" and they had disapparated with a pop, reappearing in Remus's bedroom howling with laughter. "Now what excuse do you have?" cried Sirius, before pushing Remus on the bed and kissing him as though his life depended on it.
Remus awoke from his reverie to see Dumbledore sitting across from him, as Sirius had so often done. Desperate to push those thought form his mind, he stood up, and made to wash his plate up. His solitary, lonely plate. Dumbledore stopped him, putting his hand on his arm. Remus whispered brokenly "I just can't believe he would betray me, us, that way. After everything he'd done for me"
"I realise that Remus. It is always terrible when someone we love betrays us. Sirius was a good man. But Voldemort has untold powers, Remus. Harry has made a new world for us, you should try to enjoy it. Mourn, but the real world needs you now."
Remus had slipped into bitter, painful tears, unbelieving that Dumbledore understood so well. Realising he was best left alone, Dumbledore turned to go. "I'm so sorry Remus" he said before he disappeared.
That night, Remus, the last marauder, slept unashamedly wrapped in Sirius's old cloak. It smelt of forest, and breathing in Remus was reminded of endless times. Marauder pranks, long talks by the lake, the four of them in animagi form running round the forest. More tender memories between the two of them as a couple. Then unwittingly, another thought crashed into his brain. Sirius laughing as they took him away, after killing poor little Peter. He threw back the covers and looked up at the half moon, wondering if Sirius could see it in Azkaban. Then he resigned himself to him fate.
The last marauder.Remus