Hi, this is the omnipotent asshole author of SHOCK HORROR SHOCK HORROR or the Grand Adventures of Clark Luthor. Since I've gotten a review by Calicoskies I realized that I clearly have not emphasized my warnings enough, so;

WARNING!!!!: This story is pure, unaltered RANDOM NON SENSE!!! Any sense and/or coherency are purely coincidental.

I am seriously not kidding when I say this. For the sake of your own mental health don't try to make sense of it. That is not its purpose.

And people should learn to read the author's notes for this purpose.

In fact, I don't think this is a story at all; it's more like a series of random bastardization of characters and cultures, pop and/or otherwise.

And really, when something has the label 'non sense' on it you wouldn't expect a thesis on the failures of the United Nations' peace keeping would you? Author sighs dramatically some people can be SO oblivious; really, a person cannot write this much nonsense without doing it on purpose.

And Calicoskies darling, what are you doing reading a story that is clearly in the 'parody/comedy' section if you wanted something substantial? And yes, I do know what consistency means. Do YOU know what 'NON SENSE' and 'RANDOM' means? Oh and my boyfriend wants me to tell you that your atrocious spelling nearly made him faint. And yes I am a cynic, thanks for the compliment. Also, this is my fifth story, which you would know if you just clicked on my pen name. I also warned people that I'm not very consistent on my author bio page. sighs I guess it's my fault that I didn't advertise it in big bold letters. Oh and I DO NOT write fluff. Haven't since I was 14 and will not do again. Just the thought of writing it is making me nauseous, I need a drink. Author goes to get a drink, then comes back

Yeah, I am bitch and proud of it baby. Also, I'm not inadequate; I just choose not to be adequate. LOL, don't y'all just wanna bitch slap me? Author gets slapped Ooo, I like it. Do it again. slaps Ow! Ok that one hurt.

And yeah, I know I'm a loser for using up my time to write all of this down, but it beats doing my biology presentation.

Oh and, if you guys think this story is inconsistent and is taking on too much now, I wonder what you'll say when I post the part about the army of white rabbits that attacked Lionel and Martha. And yes, that is a teaser. It gets worst as you read on.

Oh, and I don't want to be redundant and repetitive but this story is VERY RANDOM. This means that if I feel like putting a FLYING TROPICAL PENGUIN into it, then I will. And it won't make any LESS SENSE than it already is.

WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

Author starts singing

"Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis,

Isn't it frightfully good to have a dong?

It's swell to have a stiffy,

It's divine to own a dick,

From the tiniest little tadger,


To the world's biggest prick.

So three cheers for you will or John Thomas,

Hooray for you're one-eyed trouser snake,

Your piece of pork, you're wife's best friend,

Your percy or your cock,

You can wrap it up in ribbions,

You can slip it in your sock,

But don't take it out in public,

or they will sti-"

Lana: Hey! Will you stop singing that stupid song and get on with the story already?!!

Author: Alright woman, err, man. I mean woman...um... I'll just get on with the story now... That song belongs to Monty Python btw.

Chapter Four: Final touch

At Chloe's house.

"Holy shit man!" Chloe swore as she entered the bathroom to find Lana taking a piss, standing up.

"Oh my god Chloe!" Lana screamed as she put her dick back in her pants.

Chloe was staring at Lana in shock.

"Dude, you're like, a dude!" Chloe repeated the words in awe. She was currently dressed in an over-sized t-shirt and jeans. Lana guessed that Chloe thought she was a guy now. Or at least, was trying to be.

Chloe started to walk around Lana, examining her.

"Wow! You're still, like, way hot and stuff."

"It happened after the meteor shower. Those rocks, they changed me." Lana explained. "Please don't tell anyone."

Lana sat herself down on the bed as the blond followed her. There was a long moment of silence before Chloe started speaking.

"So, um...What do you do when you jack off man?"

"CHLOE!" Lana smacked her on the head.

"Sorry," Chloe mumbled before they went back to silence. Then Chloe asked again.

"But really man, when you get off do you like- Ow!" Lana smacked her again. "I was just asking, I mean anyone would be curious if-"

"Chloe don't make me go kung-fu on your ass. I may act like a damsel-in-distress, but I know karate."

Chloe went silent. For a while.

"So, can I see it?" Lana turned an evil eye towards her.

"YOU ALREADY SAW IT! THAT'S WHY WE'RE IN THIS MESS IN THE FIRST PLACE!"

"Yeah, but I never really got a good look I mean-"

"Urgh!!" Lana gave out a sound of frustration, her hands clawing at her perfect hair before she threw herself onto the bed and covered her face with the pillow. She then threw the blanket over herself and hoped that Chloe's identity would shift again soon.

Ryan's hospital room was so overwhelmed with the scent of flowers of every type that Clark had to remind himself not to use his powers to destroy them all. They were sent from every newspaper and television companies as well as mayors of every city in more than just the tri-state area and from other important members of society. There were also the flowers from every company that Luthorcorp had been in contact with (the ones that hadn't gone bankrupt or been taken over).

And these were just the ones kept in Ryan's room. There were still millions more from Clark Luthor fans that seemed to just pop up from every where around the world. Yesterday, despite the restraining order, an Inquisitor reporter went into Smallville and dug up every single act of heroism Clark had ever done in his life and printed it, front page.

And now, they were selling Clark Kent-Luthor merchandise outside the hospital.

'Whatever happened to the shy and invisible Clark Kent?' he thought to himself. 'Oh, yeah, he became a Luthor.'

Clark was just glad that they didn't allow everyone to see Ryan.

Clark had just come back from the Kent farm, having gone there to get some clothes so he could come and stay at the hospital with Ryan. The boy smiled at him as he threw his bag in the closet opposite Ryan's bed.

"I thought I'd never see you in flannel again" the boy said as Clark sat down next to the bed.

"Yeah, I kind of missed it myself. Lex never lets me wear it any more."

As soon as the name was said, Lex came through the door. Ryan had to stop himself from growling once again.

"Hey," he greeted.

"Speaking of the devil...hey Lex, we were just about to start talking about you behind your back." Clark said cheerfully.

"Right, and which topics were you going to discuss? Not how I'm planning to assassinate you is it? Cause the Inquisitor's got that covered."

"Actually we were discussing your dictating fashion sense."

At that, Lex smirked. "Well I am dressed to kill."

Clark smiled at him as the door burst open and Lana walked in with a big box of candy.

"Well I'm glad I didn't get you flowers," Lana said, giving the candy to Ryan as she looked around the room. There were more flowers in it than in Nell's flower shop and Lana found herself entranced by all the different colors, again.

There were just so many colors and Lana started picking them, completely hypnotized and unaware of everyone around her as she began making a crown of flowers.

Then Chloe walked slowly into the room. Her steps slow as if she were a zombie. Her face was covered in a thick layer of white while her lips, her eyes, her hair and her dress were completely black. Her dress was long, flowing and witch-like, just like her hair and her thick eyeliner made her look like a deranged panda bear.

Ryan wanted to scream at all of them to just get out and leave him and Clark alone.

Chloe took a seat beside Clark and took out a note book.

"Hello Ryan." She said slowly, "I will help speed you on your journey to the next world with my poem" Ryan tried not to scream.

"Pain! Excruciating pain!

"Your life flits away, like a moth to a flame."

Ryan groaned, but Chloe ignored him and continued.

"You bleed, you are in pain.

"You can feel the darkness creeping in.

"Cold and numb, now you feel no pain."

"And in death, you shall breathe no more.

"That doesn't even rhyme," Ryan mumbled.

"It's not supposed to rhyme. It's called Blank verse," Chloe explained.

Ryan turned to Lana to see that she had threaded stems of flowers through her sweater as well as on her belt. She also had a crown of flowers on her head as well as some tied to her long black hair. She was currently twirling around amongst the bouquets.

"I love colors," she said, completely intoxicated. "They're just so colorful! Pretty, pretty colors." Then she burst out laughing.

Ryan sighed, then turned back to Chloe, who was still sitting there, looking completely miserable. Lex was taking in the situation with his sharp eyes while taking a sip of water.

Ryan looked over at Clark and took his hand, placing it on his chest. He had planned to say this when they were alone together but oh well...

"Clark. Could you do something for me?" he asked sweetly.

"What is it Ryan?"

He looked at Clark in a seductive manner and kissed the tips of Clark's fingers. "Clark, before I die, could you take me to 'heaven'?"

Lex choked on his drink.

Lana stopped twirling and looked at the boy in the hospital bed.

Chloe was still sitting there looking miserable.

Clark looked at the boy confusingly.

"Huh?"

Lex snorted, Lana burst out laughing again and Chloe was still miserable.

Ryan glared at them, once again wishing he had Clark's laser vision power. He sighed heavily once more.

"Never mind" he said "I just wish we could go somewhere where we can't be bothered. Just fly away where no one can find us."

Clark smiled sheepishly. "I'm kind of afraid of heights."

Ryan melted at Clark's smile "Never mind then" he said before his head started to hurt again.

"Too loud," he mumbled.

Clark quickly ran to get the doctor.

The castle was big and dreary just like it had always been and Jonathan was trying very hard to resist the urge to start looking for the secret lab or the torture chamber he knew must be in there somewhere. Enrique the butler kept an eye on Jonathan as he tried not to look suspicious.

Lionel was currently on the upper level of Lex's study, listening to a tape of one Greek mythology book or another.

"Jonathan, what a lovely surprise," he said as he turned the tape off. "What brings you to the Luthor mansion this time?"

"I um...I was uh, just um...you know."

Lionel smirked. "No I don't know. Please, come join me," he said gesturing for the other man to come upstairs.

Jonathan gripped the banister very tightly as he walked up, knowing that Lionel must have a hidden switch somewhere that would turn the stairs into a slide leading down to the torture chamber. He got to the upper level unharmed but refused to let his guard down.

To his left were millions and millions of books stacked on top of one another which could easily tumble down on top of him, to the right was the rail, which he could easily fall off. Jonathan stared at the books, he was certain that by pulling some of them, he would open a trap door. So he started pulling at the nearest one and moving along the row.

"So Jonathan, what's so important that you would voluntarily come to see me? You should know that Clark is at the hospital watching over that boy, as well as your wife. I assume this isn't a social call." Lionel said, hearing the other man and knowing exactly what he was doing. He knew Jonathan Kent all too well.

"Um...actually it is...Well kind of." Jonathan said as he continued to pull out books.

Lionel looked at him, (well more like looked at the empty space next to Jonathan's head) and Jonathan was glad that the man was blind.

Jonathan was halfway down the long row when he stopped and walked over to where Lionel was seated before sighing.

"Lionel, I missed you," the words came out more real than he expected and he avoided the truth in them by going onto his hands and knees and looking under Lionel's chair for a secret button or remote control.

Lionel smiled wickedly at him. There was no hint of surprise on his face and he spread his legs so Jonathan could go even deeper under the chair to search for whatever device he'd convinced himself was under there. When nothing was found after much groping, Jonathan crawled out and Lionel put his hand on the man's blond head.

At that Jonathan looked up.

And he was face to face with Lionel's crotch.

Lionel shifted in his chair, causing his crotch to thrust up into Jonathan's face and the man bit his lips as he realized that it was hardening. Lionel smirked again as he tipped his head down, this time managing to catch Jonathan's eyes with his shades.

Everything went silent except for the sound of Jonathan's breath. Hesitantly, Jonathan moved his hand to Lionel's thigh, before slowly sliding it up. Lionel wasn't wearing any underwear and when he undid the zipper the blood infused cock sprang free. He looked at it hungrily before sticking his tongue out to lick at the tip.

It was a taste Jonathan had been deprived of for too long and he sucked eagerly at the blunt head as Lionel tightened his hold on Jonathan's hair. Lionel hissed as Jonathan licked down the underside of his cock before swallowing him.

It was a skill Jonathan hadn't practiced and he was glad that he was naturally talented, Lionel's cock was thick and it filled his mouth completely as he sucked at it, he fought down the gag reflex as the cock hit the back of his throat and hummed.

Lionel growled, feeling the hot throat vibrating as Jonathan's head bobbed on his cock. He cursed his blindness as he thrust deeply into it, wishing he could see the other man's face.

Jonathan's hand played with Lionel's balls as his tongue wrote messages on the skin of Lionel's cock. He almost slipped as Lionel thrust violently into his mouth again and he shifted his hand slightly.

That's when he found the secret button he'd been looking for.

The button caused the floor beneath Jonathan to disappear and to be replaced by a long winding slide. Lionel's chair turned into a shuttle which shot them both down at a rapid speed.

The ride lasted only for a few seconds as they both shot down at a speed close to Clark's run. Lionel remained completely calm, his hair flying as Jonathan's scream was muffled by the cock still in his mouth.

They landed on an over-stuffed mattress and Jonathan pulled his mouth away from Lionel to catch his breath.

"Congratulations Jonathan. You've finally found the way to the dungeon."

"I knew it!" he said between gasps.

Lionel smirked at him. "Would you like to visit the torture chamber, Jonathan?"

Jonathan moved up Lionel's body to give him a harsh kiss, his erection grinding against the other man.

"Which way?"

The endless ocean of green was below them as the brightly colored balloon floated above the fields. The wind was blowing by them as the orange sun descended slowly from the canvas sky. Peace and quiet at last.

Ryan turned away from the ledge and back to his hero, who was currently standing in the center of the balloon, completely frozen on the spot.

Ryan walked over to him and gave him a hug.

"Thank you for doing this."

"It's uh...no problem Ryan" he said as he tried not to think about how high up he was. "Ryan, maybe we should spread the weight around the balloon, I mean what if the floor isn't strong enough to hold the both of us."

Ryan smiled at him endearingly before dragging him to where he had previously stood.

"It's beautiful."

"Yes it is, but maybe we shouldn't all be standing on one side of it. I mean, what if it tips over?"

"Clark, relax. I'll protect you," he said teasingly as he leaned his head against Clark's chest.

Clark was hyperventilating and trying very hard not to look down. The only thing he could think of that would make him more relaxed right now was to take off his clothes. But he couldn't go completely nude in front of Ryan no matter how relaxed it made him. He remembered what happened when he did it in front of Lex after being told of the 'Luthor Family Tradition', and that time Lana caught him walking around naked in the barn. They could still be seen up here and he didn't want to appear in the papers again. Not to mention that the balloon pilot was still behind them

He couldn't take off all of his clothes, but what if he just took of his shirt? No one could accuse him of anything and if asked, he could just say he was getting hot.

So he pulled Ryan's head away from him for just a second, quickly shrugging off the plaid shirt before pulling the white t-shirt inside off. He flexed his muscles, feeling the wind on his body and began to relax, not completely, but just enough so that he wouldn't freak out.

Ryan had a look of surprise on his face before it turned into a look of appreciation as his eyes took in the wide expanse of tanned skin. The light reflected off the sweaty chest, making the firm muscles shine and Ryan tried hard not to drool.

Clark sighed in relief, folding the clothes and putting them onto to floor before looking out at the sky, it really was beautiful. 'Don't look down don't look down'.

"Well I know I can't get you all the way up to heaven but..."

Ryan was too busy watching Clark to notice anything else.

"That's ok," he said, not even hearing Clark as he stared at his ass in his tight jeans.

Clark's smile could have lit up Manhattan during a black out. He reached out and wrapped his bare arms around his young friend.

Ryan's knees went weak and he would have fallen over, if Clark hadn't been holding him. 'God he smelt good.'

After a moment of staring at the falling sun, Ryan shifted so that he was face to face with Clark. He caught the teen's bright green eyes and hesitantly ran his hand over Clark's six pack, his fingers grazing over them lightly before finally landing on his shoulders.

Ryan tipped Clark's head down and tried to stand on his toes as he moved up to kiss Clark. His lips were warm, just like the rest of his body despite the cool breeze as Ryan opened his mouth, inviting Clark's tongue to entwine with his own. His whimper was muffled as Clark lifted him off the floor for better leverage.

Clark sucked on Ryan's lower lip lightly before letting the boy down. Ryan touched Clark's face softly, trying to memorize the feel of him with his hands. He smiled tiredly up at him with the eyes of someone much older.

Clark never realized Ryan had a thing for him up until he touched his naked skin. He'd always thought of the younger boy as his little brother and thought that the feeling was mutual (but then that was also what he thought about Lex and he really should have seen it coming but hey, he never said he was the smart one). In that moment when their lips touched, Clark gave Ryan everything he could, and was surprised to find that despite his young age, Ryan wasn't a bad kisser.

He smiled softly at the boy.

"You're one hell of a kisser."

Ryan was still smiling before pressing his face into Clark's chest and holding him tighter. Clark held onto the boy as he felt tears running down his body.

"I wish you weren't leaving me, I wish I could save you again" Clark said, his voice breaking slightly as he felt tears running down his own face, tasting the salt of it on his lips as time stopped for their goodbyes.

"You did save me Clark" the boy said before looking up again, he wiped the tears off the older man's face, he rested his weight on Clark's arms. Then his face became more serious as he stared Clark intensely in the eye.

"I'll come back for you," he whispered.

Then he smiled childishly at him. Clark looked confused as Ryan grinned. The boy moved up to whisper in Clark's ears.

"Your fly's open."

Clark blushed before smiling sheepishly. Holding Ryan on one hand, he quickly pulled his zipper up. It was stuck and it took him awhile as he struggled with it.

When he turned back, Ryan was gone.

The boy's body was cold, but not more than it was before, the boy's eyes were closed and he looked to be in a deep sleep.

He sat down onto the floor of the balloon, laying the boy's head on his lap as the balloon began to descend. The sun wasn't completely gone yet but the light barely reached the boy as Clark stroked the boy's hair for the last time, his tears dropping onto the already tear stained face.

Then Clark leaned over and gave the boy a final soft kiss.

END OF PART TWO

Author's note: Yes, yes, I know, all that angst (or what might be passed of as angst) completely clashed with the rest of my story. But even if it's angsty, it's still pretty random to be stuck there in the middle of all this hectic nonsense. Yes, my story is chaotic, and that's the way uh huh uh huh I like it uh huh uh huh. It's a hell of a lot more fun to write than things that make sense, you should try it sometime.