Never Lose Hope
By: Saiyan Serpent .
Disclaimer: I don't own db, dbz, dbgt, or any of its characters, so please don't sue me.
Last time:
Trunks thoughts drifted back to his mother momentarily as he recalled the state he had left her in. Sighing thoughtfully, he knew that sometimes it was better to leave things unsaid when it came to his mother throwing a fit over something, especially when that something had to do with him. He grabbed his vest and tugged it on over his shirt before leaving for West City. He still had plenty of time before sunset and he wanted to make good on a promise he made last week. That promise was one he was going to make sure he kept.
Chapter Ten: Turbid Thoughts
Pan cast a curious glance in Caleb's direction as she sat down at the table to begin their nightly meal. She studied him carefully out of the corner of her eye, suspicion growing with each passing moment. Neither his posture nor his facial expression betrayed any hidden intentions. He was the perfect picture of indifference. He caught her gaze briefly before everyone bowed their heads for the silent prayer.
Pan scrunched her eyebrows as she bowed her head, letting her mind linger on a stray thought. Prayer. She never did understand what was up with that whole thing. Jasper and Rena had never forced the issue when it came to religion or their beliefs, and whatever place it had in their home was merely a subtle compromise that suited everyone in their own way.
Jasper never did appear too comfortable discussing the topic, so she learned to just leave well enough alone. Even as a child, she recognized the tension that seemed to fill the air whenever the topic of Kami or religion surfaced around Jasper, and child or not, Pan never pushed the issue.
Once the prayer was over, her appetite seemed to kick into overdrive, pushing all thoughts of Caleb and religion aside. She eyed the food hungrily as it was passed from person to person. She readily received her portions when it was her turn; careful not to pass up anything that was offered. She always had a big appetite it seemed, but if she wasn't careful, the boys would waste no time in devouring everything in sight, whether she got her fill or not.
The first few minutes of dinner passed in an easy silence as hungry stomachs demanded attention before anything else. Then, the conversation of the day slowly trickled into the dinner as mouths chewed happily on their tasty prizes. Jasper offered the first line of communication as he swallowed his mouthful of food and washed it down with something cool to drink.
"So Caleb, how did everything go with the inventory today?"
Pan winced slightly as the beginning of her demise surfaced merely with that single question. She knew Caleb would not pass up such an opportunity to tell Jasper that she had failed to do her work today, even if she was ready to accept the consequences of her actions.
She didn't chance a glimpse of Caleb's expression, for she was sure it was smug with contempt and probably aimed directly at her head. Instead, she lowered her gaze to her food finding the meal slightly less appealing than it had been just moments ago. She tried to remain passive as Caleb spoke and continued chewing her food, albeit much more slowly than before.
Caleb shot a quick glance at Pan before he spoke. The fact that she did not meet his gaze did not escape him but he ignored it and turned to face Jasper as he spoke.
"It wasn't too bad. Seth and Darien got most of it done before I took over and finished. Everything seems to be there, except for that item we salvaged from the Morley job. I looked through everything twice and even checked under the shelves and counters just in case it had fallen on the floor somehow. I don't know what happened to the piece but I'm sure we either used it on a deal or during one of the bartering trips to Tochek. I haven't had a chance to look through the logbooks to confirm that but I'll check on it tomorrow."
Jasper chewed on his food as he listened to Caleb give the report. Swallowing his well-chewed portion, he tilted his head slightly as he tried to remember the last time he had seen the missing item Caleb had just described.
"Hmmm.you know, I think you're right. I seem to remember us using it to trade for food rations a few months ago. I could be mistaken, but I'm pretty sure that's what we used. I thought we'd get more food for that piece but I guess we're lucky we got anything after the trouble we went through on that job."
Jasper shook his head slightly as he remembered that stressful experience. "Anyways, as I was saying, I think we used that piece to barter with a few months ago. Check the green logbook from last quarter. If we did use it for the food, it should be in there."
Caleb gave a quick nod as an acknowledgement of Jasper's words before bringing his glass to his lips for a drink. He gulped down the fluid thirstily as he finished his meal. He could tell that Pan was waiting.waiting for him to drop the bomb that, in her eyes, would inevitably fall this evening. She seemed a bit tense, and with good reason.
Jasper paused in the middle of chewing his food before he swallowed harshly and gave a questioning glance towards Pan. She had been unusually quiet during the meal and he didn't remember Caleb saying anything about where she had been the entire day.
"Pan, I thought you were supposed to help the boys out with the inventory today." "Caleb" he motioned with his fork in Caleb's direction, "didn't mention you helping out at all. So young lady, what exactly did you do today?"
Pan groaned inwardly as the question seeped through her muddled thoughts. She had dared to hope that the mystery of the missing inventory piece would override any thoughts to her whereabouts that day. She should have known better than to hope, even if it was for such a small thing.
She opened her mouth to speak, but the words she yearned for would not come. All she wanted was a feasible excuse, yet nothing came to mind. It didn't need to be anything extravagant, just something that would keep Jasper from jumping down her throat again. She hated lying to Jasper but if it would keep her from getting another lecture, it was worth the risk.
Before she could think of anything, Caleb interjected with what she was sure was her doom.
"Oh, yeah. Sorry, but I forgot to mention that I sent Pan out to do some scouting today." He shrugged then added, "She seemed to need some time to herself, so I figured she'd at least get something done that way. You know how our little Panny can be when she wants to skip out on her work duties."
Darien and Seth snickered at the comment while Pan shot Caleb a death glare. Caleb added insult to injury with a smirk that just dared her to say something to him.anything. Pan simply narrowed her eyes and scowled in his direction before turning her gaze back towards her meal once again.
Jasper said nothing of Caleb's sarcastic remark as he was used to the sibling rivalry among the children. He tried to let them handle most disputes among themselves. He only intervened if things got out of hand, as they sometimes tended to with Pan and Caleb.
He never did understand what it was about those two that clashed so violently. Neither seemed to have any problems with Seth or Darien, but then again, the younger boys tended to keep to themselves and only stirred up trouble on occasions when they were extremely bored and itching for some kind of excitement. 'Boys will be boys,' he thought wryly.
The rest of the meal passed rather quickly after the initial dinner conversation took on a new direction. Jasper was eager to see how Seth and Darien were adjusting to their studies, and urged them to share their feelings on the matter. The two boys took turns complaining of the uselessness of such things as complex math and world literature. They didn't seem to like the fact that their studies didn't have much hands on experience, though it was not surprising to anyone to hear such things.
Darien and Seth always seemed to be tinkering on gadgets of all shapes and sizes and creating inventions that did just about anything. Those two were definitely not ones to sit around all day pondering the subtle meanings hidden beneath layers of enigmatic quotes and phrases.
It was true that such things were of no interest to the boys, but Jasper believed that everyone should have a well-rounded view of the world, and so he tried to pass such values on to his family as best as possible.
He often marveled at the fact that he was lucky enough to have a family to call his own. True, none of the children were his biologically speaking, but the adopted children had long ago become his own. In his mind, blood and biology didn't matter. Though he did long to have children with his beautiful wife, he knew that would never be possible.
He could never accept the fact that his children looked at him as a father figure, so he settled for something closer to an uncle or big brother. Jasper knew he wasn't perfect, and his parenting skills were probably a bit lacking, but he did the best he could. He figured what he lacked in knowledge could be filled with love, and that's exactly what he tried to do for his children..
He gave them a place to call home and took them in when they had no one else to look after them. He had watched each one grow throughout the years and develop separate and unique personalities. He could only hope that his part in their lives was for the better, not worse.
His gaze flitted over to his beautiful wife as he watched her get up, begin to gather the dirty dishes and carry them into the kitchen. He smiled warmly as he pondered her response to his meandering thoughts. She always did have more confidence in his parenting skills than he, and she would probably scold him for thinking so negatively about such things again.
He chuckled softly and gathered an armful of dishes as he followed her into the kitchen to help. It seemed that his children had scurried off in a hurry once they realized the only thing left at the dinner table was a mess of empty dishes. 'Why does that not surprise me,' he thought dryly as his gaze flickered briefly around the empty room.
Jasper was startled out of his thoughts and nearly dropped his load of dishes as he narrowly avoided a collision with Rena who was going back to the table to get more dishes. They both grinned at the near mishap before continuing in their separate directions.
Jasper was just setting his dishes on the counter before Rena returned once again with more dishes in tow. She stacked her own dishes on the counter top and then proceeded to start scrubbing the ones that had already been soaked in dishwater. Jasper admired her shortly as she began to hum a tune to some invisible song.
He loved the way she sang. She had the most beautiful voice, and with it, she could soothe even the most savage beast. It was something that had comforted the children in the middle of the night, when they awoke terrified from some horrible nightmare; or when one of them took ill and became confined to their bed for rest.
All of his children were from shattered families and they faced what no child should ever have to face at such a tender age. However, the reality of their world, at the hands of those merciless androids, did not care for such things. Millions of innocents were caught in the path of that evil, never daring to hope for anything beyond the chance of living through such overwhelming chaos.
It was a miracle that anyone survived those dark days, but many had. What was left behind was a shell of their former world, scattered with bits of broken and withered lives. The damage inflicted upon their world forever scarred Jasper's soul, like many others, but he promised himself that he would do what he could to help those in need. As the sole survivor of his family, his honor demanded that he do as much as possible to uphold his family's beliefs and do what he could to ease the suffering of so many helpless people.
His depressing thoughts were disrupted with a light touch on his wrist. Rena's worried face came into focus as he returned her gaze. He gave her a small grin as he brought her hand to his lips and placed a chaste kiss upon its damp surface. Rena smiled lovingly at her husband before returning to the dishes and her previous melody.
Jasper closed his eyes briefly as he enjoyed the warmth that her voice brought to his mended heart. His Rena had one of those voices that could drive away all your worries and fears, and lull you into a deep and soothing sleep. It was just one of the many things he loved about the exquisite creature that was his wife.
A rather dirtied and tired figure roamed the dark empty halls of the Capsule Corp. compound as it headed towards a much-needed oasis. A bedroom door opened and closed as clothing was discarded in a careless fashion, leaving nothing but a soiled and scattered path to the bathroom. The figure squinted at the sudden brightness as the bathroom light flickered to life.
Trunks glared at his disheveled reflection in the mirror before continuing his trek towards the shower. He was much too tired to even bother with a shower but his incessant need for cleanliness drove him onward and into the soothing warmth of a well-deserved shower.
He breathed in the hot steam that surrounded him seconds after entering the shower. His eyes closed sleepily as he allowed the water to wash away most of the filth from a full day of grueling but meaningful labor. He knew he shouldn't be so tired but his body said otherwise. Physically, there was no reason why his day's work should have exhausted him and yet, it took sheer will power to hold his body up long enough to get a decent shower.
His shoulders heaved slightly as he drew in a few deep breaths and sighed into the surrounding mist. No, physical limitations weren't his problem, and deep down he realized this. He hoped his exhaustion would grant him a deep and dreamless sleep tonight, but he knew better than to wish for such a thing, for it was his dreams that drove his body to the brink of exhaustion in the first place.
His dreams had haunted him for most of his life but lately they seemed to be merciless in their torturous ways. He often willed himself to stay awake, if only to grant himself a temporary reprieve from his subconscious mind and the pain it inflicted upon his battered soul. Unfortunately, his sleep-deprived body would eventually give in and succumb to the darkness where his subconscious mind eagerly awaited his return.
He had hoped that the guilt he felt for his past failures would diminish with time, but time had not dared to dull the pain nor the memories of everything he most wished to forget. His guilt forever tied himself to his misery, never allowing him the freedom a good night's sleep might grant to his sorrowful existence.
Instead, that guilt lingered and festered like a curse; bound to cause its owner eternal pain and suffering in ways not many could ever hope to fathom. Years upon years of self-induced torture had worn Trunks down into the pitiful existence he pretended still mattered.
He wasn't sure how his body had lasted so long under such a prolonged term of sleep deprivation and other unhealthy habits, but he guessed something of his Saiyan heritage kept his body from completely succumbing to the clutches of an early death.
Maybe his guilt was what kept him from crawling into some uninhabited corner of the world to suffer his inevitable fate but he didn't know and he didn't care anymore. All he wanted was for it to end. The madness, the promise, the guilt, the memories, the nightmares.he wanted all of it to just end, but he knew it never would; not unless he did something to atone for his failures. That was the only reason he continued to help the people of his world recover from the wrath of the androids.
He wanted nothing more than to suffer silently in the shadows, but his need to atone kept him from doing just that. He supposed his mother was another reason he didn't just give up and accept his failures. Many times he had pondered what his life would be like without her, what he would be like without her; and never did his imagination conjure up a being that was anything less than absolutely revolting and depressing in its very existence.
He sighed wearily as his conscious mind continued reveling in thoughts he knew his subconscious mind would use against him tonight. 'Just like every other night', he thought sadly before returning to the task of cleansing his body of the dirt that lingered from his pathetic attempt at atonement for the day.
Minutes later, the once dirty and tired figure emerged from the bathroom, no longer dirty but still extremely tired. It collapsed on the bed, too exhausted to even bother with turning down the sheets.
The night was quiet, all creatures of the living world basking in the clutches of slumber.all but one. One lonely being lay amongst soft sheets and pillows, but their appealing textures did nothing to soothe her soul. This being, this girl, was troubled. Her mind weighed heavily with one question; one obscure question that threatened to tear down the very walls of her sanity.
Her hold on sleep slipping, Pan gave a groan of utter frustration as she rolled over in her bed to stare aimlessly out her window. She hadn't been able to sleep the entire night because of him. Some nagging little thought in the back of her mind had chipped away at the edges of her consciousness until it became a pounding screaming headache, that demanded every ounce of her attention.
She gave a harsh sigh as she sat up and thumped her feet to the floor. Walking over to the open window, she raised it up a bit higher to let more of the billowing breeze in that continued to flutter her curtains around in no particular direction. She gave another harsh sigh before leaning forward slightly and resting her hands on the cool windowsill.
Her thoughts briefly drifted back to dinner that night before the beginnings of a scowl etched her shadowed features. She had been expecting to get an earful from Caleb when she had returned from her little "outing", but instead, he had said nothing. Pan thought it odd at first that he would pass up such an opportunity to give her grief about something, but figured he would probably just wait until Jasper was around to seek his wretched revenge.
All through dinner, she waited restlessly for Caleb to rat her out to Jasper, but nothing happened. Sure Caleb had taunted her at dinner, like he usually did, but he never actually betrayed her whereabouts to Jasper. Not that Caleb knew where she had gone today anyways, but the fact that he had covered for her was something that left her suspicious and more than just a little bit worried.
Caleb was not one to cover up her mistakes and yet, his behavior at dinner had done just that. She wasn't sure why he had done it at all. Everything about the situation baffled her. She could always predict how Caleb would react to her disobedience and therefore, prepare herself for the consequences that followed any of her usual actions. This time was different though. This time she was in the dark. She couldn't see what was coming and that's exactly why she was so worried.
'What are you up to Caleb?'
Her eyes narrowed in frustration as the question continued to bounce around haplessly in her muddled thoughts and that ever-elusive answer lay just out of reach.