Inconsistency. It's FUN!

I'd like to thank Lilliluthor for beta reading this chapter and for being such a great fan. Thanks for the support . :)

Chapter 4: The South the Brit and the Dozen Buffalo Wings

"Come in" Lex said as he heard the rapping on the door. He knew who it was.

"Hey Lex," Clark greeted happily as saw his brother. "You wanted to see me?"

"I always want to see you Clark." Lex said as he turned off his computer and strode towards his lover. He laid his arms on the silk of Clark's shirt, feeling the tight muscles underneath it. "How was your date with the football captain?" he asked.

"It wasn't a date Lex."

"Right, because the Fordman's residence is so near to the mansion, he decided to give you a ride home and you just happened to fall onto his lips as he was leaving. Come on Julian, you know you're a bad liar so just tell me the truth for once."

Clark sighed. "I was going to tell you Lex."

"When? On your tenth anniversary perhaps?" Lex's voice dripped with sarcasm. Clark put his hands on his hips and rolled his eyes in ways only a teenager can.

"Well, let's start from the beginning." Clark said as he sat himself down on the sofa. Lex followed him.

"When you saw me kissing Lana a while back, she had revealed to be that Whitney was gay and that she was only helping him out as a friend by dating him as a cover. After Whitney came back two days ago, I thought Lana was mistaken because he, well, he wasn't. He told Lana that he couldn't remember anything but her. Then earlier today we got attacked by a water mutant and then Whitney came in and it turns out that that wasn't Whitney but was actually Tina Greer and then the real Whitney showed up and he was all rugged and handsome and he looked like a pirate with that eye patch and he had all that luscious blond hair and…" Clark paused, realizing what he just said. "Um, sorry, no offense."

"None taken," Lex replied bitterly as he consciously ran his hand over his shiny bald head.

"Well, um...anyway Tina kidnapped Lana and we suspected that she went to New Orleans. Whitney gave me a ride home and I was wondering if I could have the keys to the Mansion in New Orleans so we could all go stay there as we go look for her... but if not that's ok. I mean I can use my own allowance and stay at a hotel or something."

Despite Clark's insistence that he didn't need a five digit allowance each month, Lionel went ahead and gave it to him anyway. He now had a bank account and credit cards that he never really used. He wasn't used to having so much money and his father forbid him from using it to buy new farm equipment, and hated it when he brought home expensive gadgets and entertainment units. The mansion already had enough gadgets as it was and Lex seemed to enjoy using his own money to shower Clark with presents so he never really got the chance to use it except for occasionally buying his friends coffee or dinner. But even his closest friends always insisted that they didn't want to use his money either.

"Who's going with you?"

"Oh just Chloe, Pete and Whitney."

"And you didn't leave it to the police yet again because?"

"According to them Tina Greer is dead. We don't have any evidence to prove to them otherwise. They didn't believe us."

"And you won't let me assemble the Hazmat team to help you with this?"

"She has super strength Lex. I don't know if they can handle her."

"And you plan on defeating her how exactly?"

"Um…I know her weakness," he lied.

"Well, I'm going with you."

"What!"

"Is that a problem?"

"No. It's just…I thought you'd be too busy to spend your weekend with a bunch of teenagers."

Lex gave Clark a smile. "Actually I'm free this weekend. And they are a rather interesting "bunch of teenagers". I'm sure I won't get bored. Plus it can't be good for business if the manager gets kidnapped. "

Clark's smile widened once again as he hugged Lex tightly.

"Julian," Lex whispered into his ears.

"Yes Lex?"

"Can't breathe."

"Oh my god! Lex I'm sorry." He let go of the man as if he was burnt by the touch.

"It's ok, Julian," he said as Clark walked away to pack his bags. "You might want to tell the Kents about this before you go though."

"I will."

Clark called as he walked out of the room. Lex proceeded to call Lionel in London and tell him about their trip.

"Clark," Martha smiled as she ran over to her son to give him a hug. She hated not having him at home every night, but she was getting used to it. At least working for Lionel gave her time to see her son whenever he was with him. But it was no where near enough.

"Mum, I thought you'd be in London with Lionel right now." As much as Clark enjoyed calling Lionel, "daddy" he knew it would hurt his parents and had tried to suppress the habit every time he was home.

"No honey I had to stay here tonight to wrap up some things. I'm following him there tomorrow.

"Oh, well is dad here?"

"Right here son," Jonathan said as he came downstairs. Martha smiled as she handed him a mug of hot milk. Then she placed a plate of cookies on the table.

"Thanks mum," Clark said as he stuffed his mouth full of chocolate chip cookies.

"So honey, what brings you here tonight? And at this hour?"

"Yes son, what does Lionel want with us now? Are you here to warn us about something? Or did he send you here to give us a message? Did he say anything about me? You're not here to spy on me are you son? Because I trust that you wouldn't do anything to hurt this family. Unless he brain washed you. Oh my god! He didn't brain wash you did he son? Son, talk to me! PLEASE! TALK TO ME!" Jonathan screamed as he tried to shake the indestructible body.

"DAD!" Clark shouted and Jonathan stopped. "I'm not here for Lionel."

"Oh, sorry Clark. Why are you here then?"

"I'm here to ask you if I could spend the weekend in New Orleans with some friends. I've finished all of my homework and I'll get the chores done before I go and if you need any help doing them while I'm gone you can just call the number I gave to you earlier and someone will come over to help."

"Oh well," Martha turned to her husband. "I think it's a good idea honey. It's been a very stressful few months for him. He needs a break."

"Who's going with you son?"

"Oh just Chloe, Pete, Whitney, Lana and Lex."

Clark hated lying to his parents but he didn't want to tell them that he was going on a rescue mission to save Lana from the meta-morphing lesbian who has equal strength to his and knows his weakness.

"I see. And where will you be staying?"

"At Lionel's Riverside Mansion."

"When does your flight leave?"

"10:30AM"

"How can we contact you?"

"I'll bring my cell phone. You know the number."

"And who came up with the idea to go on this spontaneous trip?" Jonathan asked with a raised eye brow.

"Chloe," Clark answered with a sincere smile. Jonathan sighed.

"Alright son, you can go, but you must remember to…"

"Be careful, I know dad I know."

"And you must remember to check for any kind of camera before using your powers. And make sure no one can see you."

"Yes dad."

"Alright then son, keep your cell phone on and have fun," he said as he gave the boy a hug. "And don't let Lex take you to any clubs or parties either."

"Yes dad," he said as he hugged his old man back.

"Wow, I would have never guessed it was you who owned this place Lex," Whitney said as he noticed the 12 foot high portrait of a bald, pre teen Lex and his father hanging on the wall across the main entrance. He handed his luggage to the servant as Lex's lips twitched.

"I've learned that it's always prudent to remind the help who's in charge" Lex said before he was glomped by a giant fluffy yellow blob and its 200 pounds of luggage. He fell to the ground, hitting his already bumpy head on the marble floor as Chloe cried into his lavender shirt.

"Oh Lex,(sobs) thank you so much for letting me (sobs) stay here after such (sobs)a terrible ordeal," she said before bursting out crying again.

Lex used every ounce of will he had in him not to kick her away.

Somewhere throughout the journey, Chloe had transformed from an anal retentively strict air hostess to hot dog vendor to fluff incarnate in both the literal and the figurative sense. She was currently dressed in an oversized shirt covered in yellow feathers and a matching faux fur skirt. The same kind of fur covered her matching yellow slippers and her feathery hair ornament. She looked a lot like Big Bird.

She stopped her wailing when she looked up from the floor and notice Lex's portrait. She jumped off him and ran to it.

"AWWWWWWWWWW!" She said as she looked at the picture. "Is that a picture of you, Lex? Aww you were so cute then." She cooed. As she started to baby talk to the inanimate object, Lex sat up and began rubbing the back of his head.

Pete shook his head at her as he entered. "Wow, man, this place is awesome!" he said as he took in the interior of the place.

The Riverside Mansion was nothing like the gloomy castle in Smallville. The walls were white with gold gildings and the crystal chandelier shimmered above them below the sky light. Sun light reflected on the marble floor giving the place a heavenly look.

"Are you alright Lex?" Clark asked as he helped his brother up.

"Aww! Clark that's so sweet of you to help your brother like that," Chloe cooed again, a little too loudly.

"I'm fine Clark," he said as he took the offered hand and pulled himself up. He let his hand stay on his brother a little longer than he intended to.

Whitney was quick to notice this and reacted by taking hold of Clark's other hand. "Clark, would you like to go skinny dipping with me?"

"Actually I was just going to show you to your rooms," Lex said as his sweaty hands tightened on his brother's. "They're on the south wing, right next to mine so if you're ever need anything." He breathed the words into Clark's ears and the boy shivered as the hot breath touched him.

Clark came to his senses and started untangling himself from his admirers.

"Great Lex, well I think we should all just go up to our rooms and unpack our stuff...Alone," he added as Lex and Whitney's face fell.

Clark sighed. Lex and Whitney had been at each other's throats and all over him since they saw each other before getting on the jet. Lex's behavior was really not helping him keep their relationship a secret from the world and Whitney's constant jabs only made it worse. As much as he desired the both of them, they were really getting on his nerves.

"I'll show you to your room Clark," Lex said as he led the way.

"I'll walk you there," Whitney added as he trailed along after them.

"Well, this should be one interesting weekend," Pete said amused to Chloe. The girl took hold of him in a suffocating hug.

"Oh Pete thank you so much for coming here to help me find Lana!" she wailed.

"Yep, one interesting weeken…," Pete muttered before fainting from lack of oxygen.

"This is it," Clark said as he looked up at the cursive letters that spelt the name "The Old Creole". Clark took the photo of Tina out of his pocket and looked at it. It looked exactly the same with a few minor differences, such as the lack of the two girls in the photo.

"So, what now?" Pete asked as he looked around at their gang.

"I think we should start by asking around. See if anyone has seen her or this Jezz girl around. Anybody here speak archaic French?"

"I speak can Gungan, Wookie, Jawa, Cardassien, Ferengi, and a few dialects of Betelgeuse," Chloe piped in. "Are they any similar?"

Lex looked Chloe up and down. She was currently in a white robe with white pants. There was a holster around her waist. On it was a 10 inch long metal tube which Lex assumed was a light saber.

"Aren't Cardassien and Ferengi from Star Trek, Chloe Skywalker?" he asked with an amused smile.

"I've been to many different universes," she explained. "And the name's Chloe Airrunner, not Chloe Skywalker," she added.

"Riiiiight" mumbled everyone unanimously.

"Well, we're still in America, most people here should be able to speak English. We should just start asking questions," Clark said. At some point during the journey he got promoted to gang leader. "I think we should split up. We don't want the people to think we're crowding them. Pete, you and I will go in and ask around. Chloe, Whitney, Lex, you guys ask the musicians. Chloe, as a Jedi I make it your duty to keep them from killing each other ok?"

"Yes, keep them from killing each other, I will," she said as Clark gave her a strange look.

"Why are you talking like Yoda?" he asked.

"Oh, in trend in the Jedi council, Yoda-talk is."

"Riiight" Clark said before going into the restaurant/pub with Pete.

The heel of Clark's leather shoes (which Lex had once again bought for him against his will) clicked against the wooden floors as Clark walked into dimly lit restaurant. The bartender was wiping down the polished wooden bar as waitresses walked about. The tables were covered in red and white checkered table cloths and there was blues music playing softly in the background.

As Clark made his way over to the bartender to ask questions, Pete turned and saw the most beautiful creature he had ever seen. She was a brunette with long wavy hair and with creamy smooth skin, covered by a silky red dress. Her pouty lips were covered with dark red lipstick and she had eyes that would make the strongest of men shiver. She also had the nicest rack he'd ever seen. It was so big that Pete wondered if one could go skiing on it.

The woman was sitting across from a nervous looking man in a suit. Pete stared at her as Clark showed the bartender Lana and Tina's picture.

"Yeah I've seen them before," the man said as he pointed at the picture of Tina and Jezz. "They used to come here a lot. This gypsy girl, she lived around here I think. I haven't seen the other one since Mardi gras though."

"So you haven't seen either of them around here?"

The bartender took the photo and looked at it again. "Well, now that I think about it I think I might have seen this girl walk past this place in that general direction last night," he said as he pointed to the right.

"You hear that Pete? I think we're onto something."

But Pete wasn't listening. He was too busy drooling over the buxom brunette as she paid the bill and began to get up, showing off her long legs.

"Well actually I think it might have been that way," the bartender said as he pointed in the opposite direction. "Or did I see her walking down that street? Or maybe she was walking down that other street. In fact, I'm not quite sure it was her at all last night."

Clark's face fell as he put his head in his hand and gave a loud sigh.

"Well, if it isn't the newest member of the Luthor Clan," A familiar voice with a crisp British accent sounded from behind him. He turned around and groaned. As if this day couldn't get any worse for him.

"Lady Hardwick," he said through gritted teeth while, at the same time, tried to make the word 'lady' rhyme with 'slut'. He failed dramatically and ended up sounding very creepy. "How lovely to see you again; what are you doing here? Looking for some other unfortunate men to try and screw over?"

Clark didn't quite know where all of this sarcasm was coming from but he guessed that it was a combination of too many dinner parties and listening to Whitney and Lex trying to burn each other with their remarks for too long. Either that or his inner gay man had been dying to say that to her face ever since the first time he saw her.

The smile Victoria gave in return looked just as fake as Clark's as she replied. "Actually I was doing some corporate espionage for my father. This was a convenient place to meet with my contact. What about you Clark? Shag your brother lately?" she asked with a polite smile on her face. Victoria was usually never this blunt but since he started it she couldn't see the reason why she couldn't do the same.

Clark quickly turned to Pete at the mention of his relation to the Luthors to see if he had fainted again but apparently he was too busy looking at Victoria's breast to notice so he turned back to her.

"Yes. Quite often actually. Lex is an amazing lover. Takes after his father, but I guess you already knew that."

"From that comment I'd say that so do you," she replied as she leaned into him. For some strange reason she took Clark's hand into her own and asked "So who's your little friend?"

Pete suddenly snapped out of whatever trance he was in and looked up.

"Hi, I'm Pete Ross, Clark's best friend."

"How do you do Mr. Ross? You must be a very good friend of Clark's."

"Well, yes I am."

"And you must know an awful lot about him."

"Yeah, I do,"

Victoria's smile widened as she turned her attention to Clark's shorter friend, though she had yet to let go of Clark's arm. It was only then that Clark noticed that Victoria's long red nails were latched onto his arm. He gave her a look but she didn't notice as she started grilling Pete for information about him.

"So you know all of his deep dark secrets?" She asked. Pete gazed dreamily at her.

"Yeah, they're really nice," he replied.

"Excuse me?"

"Oh um... Clark, yeah he's very nice. Not that I'm into him or anything. Cause I'm straight, really. Really, I am. The only straight guy in Smallville in fact."

"Of course you are Pete, May I call you Pete?"

"Yeah, you can call me anytime."

Victoria's polite smile twitched for a second. By that time Clark figured that she probably didn't notice the look he was giving her and asked.

"Lady Hardwick, I know you like to latch your claws into rich men but I never knew that you did it literally before. Would you mind NOT doing it to me?"

She pursed her lips before letting go, and examining her nails. She gave an expression of dissatisfaction before going back to her fake smile.

"Thank you," Clark said as he looked at his arms. Though he knew that his skin was invulnerable, something about Victoria made him uneasy. He checked his arms again, just in case there were glowing green marks on it. There weren't.

"Well, we really should get going now," Clark said before dragging Pete out of the pub.

Oh my god! Not again, Clark thought as he stepped out through the glass door. Lex was currently lying on the parking lot with Whitney on top of him. He was being man-slapped as Chloe lay on top of them, trying to pull them off each other.

"Chloe! What happened? I thought you were supposed to stop them," Clark groaned as he lifted Chloe off the two men.

"Well they're not dead yet are they?" she replied matter-of-factly as Clark lifted Whitney off Lex and threw both of them over each of his shoulders like towels.

"What happened to the force?"

"Well I used up most of my force on getting some dude to go into the restaurant and buy us Buffalo wings. Oh thank you," she said as some dude came up and handed her a bucket of Buffalo wings and walked off. She smiled before putting a wing in her mouth.

"Hmmm, spicy. Try some Clark." She said as she shoved a wing into Clark's mouth.

"Thmph" he mumbled and accidentally dropped both Lex and Whitney. Fortunately by then both of them had calmed down enough not to be at each other's throats. Lex smoothed the invisible wrinkles on his shirt as he looked disdainfully at the blond who sneered at him. Pete shook his head at them as Clark sighed once again.

"Look guys, I know that Lana means a lot to you, but all we know is that they're in New Orleans and that they may or may not be around here. In case you haven't notice, New Orleans ain't a small place. I know that you're all trying to be optimistic here but really what are the chances of finding Tina Greer within one and a half days here. Look maybe we…"

Pete's speech was cut short as from behind them, a blond girl with curly hair tore off a lamp post and hit them all in one go. From out of her pocket came a familiar green liquid which she aimed at Clark.

"Tina!" Clark exclaimed in shock before the ghastly green liquid touched his skin. It was the only thing he remembered before everything faded into blackness.

TBC

Sorry for the long wait guys, my muse left me for a fling with another muse in Tahiti and didn't come back for two months. I'll try to write more as soon as I can, I'm having my midterms his week.