Disclaimer: the usual. I don't own Stargate SG1 yadda yadda yadda. I'm just borrowing.

Authors' note:This is a collaborated story by sueKay04 and mishy-mo. We will alternate chapters, and will update as often as possible. This first chapter is by sueKay04, and we hope you enjoy it. Please R&R!

Synopsis: Jack has to take onboard a Goa'uld symbiote, but must keep it, and the naquadah masking technology the sybiote posesses a secret from the SGC.

Timeframe: Season six or Season seven.

Pairings: Sam and Jack (eventually)

Note: Italics indicates thoughts, indicates a flashback, and [ ] indicates a symbiote 'talking'

Why he hates trees

It was just after noon and already so much had happened that day. The still figure of a man lay under a tree, but soon he awoke to find that he had collapsed on a bed of pinecones (or at least this planet's equivalent!) Pointy side up I might add, the pine needles didn't help either.

Jacks mind managed to compose an odd thought dully as it shook away the residual remnants of sleep.

'Ahhhhh' a scream in pain and shock shook through the dense wood as a dazed angry and prickly colonel stumbled from the shade under the offending tree.

' I knew there was a god damn reason I hated god damn trees!!!!!!!' he yelled and yelped as he pulled pinecones and needles from his ass.'

[Jack calm down]

Oh shit

[Jack I know everything that you think or ever have thought about]

Ah, so no me time any more

[When did you ever have me time before, not like you spent it doing any thing worth while ]

True. Imagine that, a tok'ra with a sense of humour never thought I'd met one!

[Ah but Jack remember that I'm not really a tok'ra]

Uh huh

He waved his hand in front of his face.

But I've still got control, which is good, right?

'Yes' replied a goa'uld voice. It was the strangest feeling; he could feel his mouth moving, feel his voice shake from his throat but he had no control. This, from the perspective of a leader, one who is always in control, was frightening to say the least.

He could hear Sal'moro laughing from within his head, yet another strange experience having both fear and amusement surge though your being.

[Sorry Jack couldn't resist!]

Sure you couldn't. well next time do me a favour and tell me when your gonna do that

He thought still a little shaken.

[Of course and thank you, Jack]

Uh for the whole sharing my head with you deal?

[ Yes, thank you, I am still harbouring my grief for my previous host as well as my memories, I wanted to make sure you where ready for it all]

Sure go ahead your already in here so why not

He could feel her preparing.

Wait!! I'm not going to pass out again?

He thought whilst edging away from his previous prickly resting place.

[No just a bit of a rush, by the way I haven't looked through your memories just the last week concerning me, I don't want to intrude]

'K so hit me

'Ahhh' said a confused colonel trying to avoid the on-coming fist that was his own.

Not literally

[Just messing with you Jack]

Urgh! I'm never going to get used to this

[So do I have your permission?]

Ok lets do this, but you can't look at mine yet!

...

Hey what are you... wow

...

[Jack?]

Yeah

[I'm tired, so I'm not going to be in contact with you for a while, try to keep quiet]

Okay

Jack stood for a minute contemplating quietly the events of that morning, as he felt his link with Sal'moro reduce slightly as she began to recuperate. He then made the decision to go back to earth.



Sirens and flashes went off in the SGC as 'Off-world activation' was announced.

Against the wishes of the good doctor Sam leapt from the infirmary bed, still clad in her mucky OG trousers and ran to the control room, to get there just in time to here the sergeant announce;

' SG-1's Iris code'

and Hammond yell eagerly from the stairwell;

'Open the Iris!'

Hammond and Carter stood silent and still side-by-side as they awaited the familiar ripple of the shimmering horizon.

As Jack walked through the gate, there was a great sigh of relief from the control room as shoulders visibly relaxed. Glad to be home Jack smiled at the crowd gathered in the control room.

'Glad to have you back Colonel. Get yourself to the infirmary. De-brief in one hour'

'Yes sir!' he said adding a mock salute. Handing his P-90 and 9mm to the SF at the bottom of the ramp, he headed for the infirmary.

'Sir!' called a familiar voice. He turned to see his smiling 2IC. ' Glad your ok, Hammond was just organising a rescue team as you arrived'

[Jack!!!!!]

Oops. Why does that always happen when she smiles?

'Hey Carter, no problem I was just unconscious on a planet far far away. How's Teal'c and Daniel?' he said smiling.

[Jack what are you talking about?]

LATER!!

She smiled again.

[JACK!!!!!]

'Teal'c is fine as usual but Daniel caught half a zat blast on the way through the gate, you know him'

'So how are you?' he asked trying to conceal the worry in his voice after noticing a slight graze on her forehead.

'I'm fine sir, hit my head at one point, don't know what on, but Janet has been hovering over me and Daniel since we came back' she said. Then noticing the odd pinecones and needles on his arm and shoulders asked 'What happened to you?'

'Ahh, I landed under some kind of pine tree' he had almost forgotten about that after the discussion with Sal'moro. Removing yet another needle from his ass he held it up to Carter as if as evidence. At this he received a giggle and not much else as they had reached the infirmary. Sam was quickly ushered back to her previous position as Jack was given his own bed.

'Ahhhrg' being distracted by Sam's giggle this time he once again forgot about the pain in his ass.

At this Sam burst out laughing and in doing so shook herself from her position on the bed and therefore promptly fell over the side of the bed and on to the floor with an 'Oh shiiit'

It was now the colonels time to laugh, but only slightly as he stood once again, pain still present. Seconds later a dishevelled and scowling majors head sprung up from the farther side of the bed quickly trying to sneak back onto the bed without being noticed, but the incident wasn't missed by the hawk-eye of the good doctor, who quickly went bussing about her two troublesome patients.

'Nice trip, where's my postcard.' added the colonel.

But soon the tables where turned as Jack had to bare his ass to several nurses and the doc, all the while having Sam grinning and giggling behind the curtain.

You'd think that taking my pants off would get most of the buggers out but no they need to snap in half and leave half the bloody tree in my ass!!!!!

[Hey Jack?]

Uh huh?

[What was that whole thing with 'Carter'] It's called laughing, and sorry if a woke you

[Don't change the subject!]

Don't tell me what to do you're the guest in this head don't abuse your privileges!

[Men! You never want to talk about your feelings]

Who said anything about feelings?

[You didn't have to]

But ... right this isn't going to work; just leave the whole Sam deal will you?

[So, it's Sam now, is it?]

...

[Jack ...]

Sally?

[Sally?!?!]

Yeah well I'm not calling you Sal'moro all the time; too much effort

[Okay]

Could you do something about the pain in my ass?

[Sure]

Thanks

Silence ensued.

'Sir?'

'What?'

'Are you ok?' asked Fraiser, worried about the contortions on his face in the past five minutes.

'Yeah.' Realising what he must have looked like he added, ' I'm just thinking'

'Thinking?? Sir are you sure your ok?'

'Yeah' he said as innocently as possible.

'Right sir all done here'

He pulled his pants up to warm and conceal his embarrassed cheeks, he then looked at his watch.

'Just in time for de-brief' pulling back the dividing curtain to reveal his giggling 2IC he added 'Carter you ready?'

'Yeah, just coming.' Now with permission from the doctor she leapt from her bed and followed the colonel through the halls of the SGC. ' How's your ass sir?'

'Well as far as I can tell you're the one with the better view so why don't you tell me?'

Increasing her pace, a blushing major was soon side by side with her grinning CO.

'How are you? Trips can be extremely hazardous to your health'

'I'm ok sir' redness in her cheeks subsiding. 'My own ass got hit in the fall'

'Looks ok from here'

'Right maybe we should stop talking about this'

'You where the one that brought up the subject of your ass, but your right' he said now suddenly remembering the presence of another in the conversation. Sally had just increased the pain in his ass as she grew impatient with this whole emotion roller coaster that he was putting her through. In fact roller coaster was a very good description as it was at that moment, as they entered the briefing room that those chemical side effects which the previous host warned of began to kick in.

this is a chapter from your second author mishy-mo

hi y'all

thought you should know a little more about us; were best freinds from scotland still at school ( oh Joy!!!) and we luv stargate, and thats about all you need to know

the next chapter is suz' so hastle her and not me!!!!!!

btw if RDA was ever a free agent in scotland then god help him!!!!!

suz i'd beat you any day so lay off!!!!hee hee