A/N: This chapter contains the song "Thoughtless" which was originally done by Korn, I believe, but I took the covered lyrics from Evanescence. It contains violence and memories of Paige's abuse. Just a warning.
The figure in Paige's dreams wasn't Matt, and it definitely wasn't Dean. A psychologist would have said that her subconscious was wearing the idea of both men combined as a mask for something deeper. But Paige didn't want to be psychoanalyzed. The dreams were like self-mutilation. They were always horrifying in some way, but sometimes, for brief moments, she would come across something in them that was oddly reassuring.
While her life was empty and coarse, surrounded by white walls, her dreams had taken on a sequence of their own. There were about three different story lines that would pick up where the last ones had left off, and it had almost become a second life. While most people shut off from life when they slept, Paige entered a new one, which combined her lightest fantasy with her most shockingly horrible nightmare, twisting into a beautifully unpleasant epic that, despite her halfhearted trying, she wasn't able to shake.
"Paige?" adoctor asked softly.
She could feel voices pounding through her skull, shaking her from her second reality.
'I don't want to you,' Paige thought grimly. 'Why can'tyou leave me alone?'
The scene began to fade, and Dean pulled up in his former car that she had used Spinner's to destroy. "What do you say I get you out of here?" he asked.
"No," Paige insisted firmly. "I'm not going with you. You're just going to use me."
"Paige," the nurse repeated.
Dean shrugged. "Your choice."
"Paige!"
She wanted, in every ounce of her being, to scream, but her body wouldn't cooperate. Instead, it betrayed her, and obliged to Dean.
"I knew you'd come around," Dean mused. He put his foot on the pedal, and began to drive. Paige watched the dial on his speed indicator fly to its top setting. She didn't want to be here, but at least it was away. Wasn't it?
Paige sighed, not wanting to look at him. "I didn't do it for you," she insisted. "I just want to get away from that damn hospital."
All my hate cannot be boundI will not bedrowned by your thoughtless scheming
Dean smiled perversely. "You made the right choice."
Paige noticed that he was starting to slow the car, into a driveway. Despite herself, she turned to face him. "Where are you taking me?" she demanded.
As quickly as Paige's sanity had declined, Dean had become Matt. "I didn't rape you, you know," he said softly. "That's what your friends told you, because they don't want you to love me."
Now you can try to tear me downPaige's muscles tensed. "You didn't rape me," she agreed. "Dean did. Wh…what happened. You were Dean."
"Shh," Matt said. "It's all in your head, Paige."
With that, he leaned in, and pressed his lips against hers. In her rational mind, Paige would have hated every minute of it. But now, she was eager to give in.
"Come with me, Paige," Matt whispered.
"Why?" Paige demanded.
Matt got out of the car. "You have to trust me, Paige."
"Why?" Paige repeated, unfastening her seatbelt and exiting the car. "I have no reason to."
"Who else loves you?" he asked, softly but firmly. "Spinner replaced you with Manny. Your parents think you're crazy, and as far as your friends are concerned, you're as good as dead. You're mentally ill; Paige, and they're not going to let you out in time to complete your year, let alone high school. Hazel and Ashley are going to graduate. You'll never change in their world. This is where you belong. So stay with me."
Beat me to the ground, Iwill see you screamingPaige looked down, to escape his gaze. "But I don't want to belong here," she protested. "I want to be real."
"This is real," he insisted. "Come with me."
Paige nodded, and followed him into the house. The dream sequence began to blur, and she became almost robotic, unaware of where she was, or what she was doing. When her consciousness returned, she realized that she was upstairs, about to relive her assault. "I can't do this!" she insisted. "Please. Not again."
The man she spoke to was not much more than a formless shadow. In this light, Paige had no idea if she was speaking to Matt or Dean. All she knew was that she was in trouble. "You're not going anywhere," he said, with a light, taunting laugh. "You're the reason I do this. I don't do this for my own enjoyment." He took in a sharp breath before continuing. "I do it because you want it, Paige. And don't fucking forget it."
Thumbing through the pages of my fantasies'He wont,' Paige reassured herself. 'He wouldn't. Not again.'
Pushing all the mercy down, down, downThe moment where she realized that he was betraying her was always the most agonizing. She remembered the first time, when it had happened in her other reality. Not only had he betrayed her, but the whole world had assisted him. All of the security, love, and morality in the world had crashed into a thousand pieces, each cutting her deeper than the last.
I want to see you try to take a swing at meThe man of her nightmares laughed again. "Keep screaming, Paige. No one cares how you feel. They know you're nothing but a filthy whore."
Desperately, Paige tried to think of some way she could escape what was happening.
Come on, going to put you on the ground, ground, ground"Here you go," he said, handing her a cell phone. "Call your mommy and daddy. I'm sure your doctor would love to know all about this."
Why are you trying to make fun of me
You think it's funny, what the fuck you think it's doing to me"What the fuck did I ever do?" Paige whispered weakly. "You fucking bastard."
The man continued to laugh. "You exist, Paige. That's enough."
You take your turn lashing out at meI want you crying with your dirty ass in front of me
"Paige!" a woman's voice shouted. "Paige! Paige, wake up!"
Paige let out a scream as the rape scene was replaced with the tauntingly white walls. 'What am I doing here?' Paige wondered.
She immediately felt a sense of filthiness, covering her body. Like she was too disgusting to live. "I want to take a shower," Paige announced, stepping out of her bed.
"Okay," she said pleasantly. "But then, we're going to talk."
'God,' Paige thought. 'No.'
She nodded weakly, and stepped in the shower. She found a small ziplock bag of toiletries, which did not include a razor or nail clippers. This was going to be fun.
She then noticed that her only razor was an electric, the kind that was virtually impossible to nick yourself with.
'Damn.'
Paige turned the knob on the shower, and began to turn up the water hotter than she usually liked it. As she scrubbed furiously at her seemingly filthy skin, Paige continued to turn up the water. No matter how hot it became, she was numb to the burning sensation. After taking one of the longest showers she had ever endured, Paige reluctantly realized that there was no way out of talking to the doctor. "Alright," she said weakly. Paige got dressed again, and finally left the bathroom, feeling even more drained and exhausted than she had when she entered.
"All right, Paige," the doctor said calmly. "Sit wherever you like."
Not wanting to return to her bed, Paige took a seat at the small table in her room.
"I'm not crazy," Paige breathed. "I want to go home."
"I understand, Paige. I'm Dr. Newman," she said, extending her hand for Paige to shake. Paige nervously obliged. "No one is accusing you of being crazy," Dr. Newman said. "But your family is concerned about you, and it's my job to figure out what's upsetting you."
Paige sighed. "Nothing is upsetting me," she said bluntly. "Now, can I please go home?"
Dr. Newman shook her head. "You were screaming in your sleep," she said calmly. "That's why I had to wake you up."
Paige shrugged. "It's none of your business."
It wasn't like Paige to be this rude, but right now she didn't trust anyone. Especially a doctor who was paid to take her parents' side, convince her she was wrong, and throw her back into the same world, that would be just as messed up as it was when she left it, regardless of how smoothly she had recovered.
"Paige. It's very normal in cases like yours to have nightmares about the abuse," Dr. Newman said calmly.
All my hate cannot be bound"I didn't tell you about that," Paige stiffened. "And I don't want to talk about it."
I will not be drowned by your thoughtless schemingDr. Newman nodded. "I understand, Paige. But that's why you need to talk about it. If you feel this threatened by the topic, then it's probably something we need to discuss."
Now, you can try to tear me downf"Alright," Paige sighed, leaning back in her chair. "It was about Dean. Are you happy?"
"It's a start," the doctor acknowledged. "How long ago did you have this experience with Dean?"
"Grade nine," Paige sighed. "I'm in grade eleven now."
"So, two years," Dr. Newman concluded. "And, tell me about the relationships you've had since then."
"I dated Spinner up until a while after Dean's trial," Paige remembered.
"And, what happened there?" Dr. Newman asked.
Too much interrogating, and Paige was lost again. "I don't remember," Paige lied. Maybe if she really were crazy, they would leave her alone, and let her sleep. A shudder went through her body, as she realized what the alternative to her waking life would entail.
"Try," Dr. Newman encouraged. "The sooner we can sort through your problems, the sooner you can go home."
Paige wasn't sure if that was good or bad. She didn't really want to face her family again, but she felt guilty about leaving her friends in the dark. "Dean won the trial, and I wrecked Spinner's car in order to destroy Dean's."
Beat me to the ground, I will see you screaming"And Spinner broke up with you?" Dr. Newman asked.
Paige shook her head. "Not right away. At first, I promised to pay him back. But then he started treating me badly, and fell for this other girl, and I broke up with him. I'm still going to pay him back, but we don't talk anymore."
Dr. Newman nodded gravely. "I see."
Suddenly, Paige began to feel dizzy, as if she were about to return to her previous stage. 'No,' she thought wearily. 'Please don't let this happen again.'
"Paige? Paige? Are you alright?"
Paige definitely was not all right. She was holding a gun, and staring lividly at Dean, who she had managed to tie to a chair in the room where she had been raped about an hour prior. She felt powerful, despite her mostly righteous nature. All she could feel was hatred for the man who had, and continued to destroy her.
Thumbing through the pages of my fantasies
I'm above you, smiling down, down, down
I want to kill and rape you the way you raped me
"Paige," he pleaded. "No. Please, no. I'm sorry. If you let me go, I'll never…"
But Paige wasn't listening. Instead, she shot him in the stomach, guaranteeing him a few more, agonizing moments of life. Shortly after, she lit a match, and dropped it, inches from his feet.
And I'll pull the trigger and you're down, down, down"Paige!" he shouted. "Paige. Why the fuck would you do something like this?"
Paige let out an earth-shaking scream, realizing that the man she was killing was not Dean, or Matt.
"Paige!" Hazel shouted desperately, from a nearby room. "Paige! Don't leave me in here!"
Paige gasped. What was Hazel doing in here? Paige started to run, as smoke filled through the house. Everything was on fire, but she remained unharmed. "PAIGE!" another voice screamed.
"What's going on?" Paige shouted desperately. "Where are you all?"
Dean stood, tauntingly, at the bottom of the stairs. "They're dying, Spirit. You killed them. Everyone. Your stupid little friends from Spirit Squad. Your family. Your sad little boyfriend you brought to the trial. Everyone's dying. And it's all because of you." He laughed lightly. "I knew you were no better than me."
Why are you trying to make fun of me
You think it's funny, what the fuck you think it's doing to me
You take your turn lashing out at me
I want you crying with your dirty ass in front of me
Screams tore through Paige's mind. "TELL ME WHERE YOU ARE!" she shouted desperately, searching for a fire extinguisher, or a phone, or anything that could help the people she cared about.
Paige woke up, with an IV in her arm. She realized that she had a few moments before anyone would realize that she was awake. Why had her mind done this to her? Paige would never kill anyone. Not even Dean. And now, everyone had been destroyed. All because she couldn't control herself. Because she was losing her mind.
All of my hate cannot be boundI will not be drowned by your thoughtless scheming
"Are you awake?" Dr. Newman asked.
"I killed my best friend," she whispered to herself. "I killed Hazel."
"You've been here, this whole time," Dr. Newman said. "You didn't kill anyone, Paige."
"Everyone is gone," Paige told her. "And it's all because of me."
After a bit more prodding, Dr. Newman gave Paige a pill that would help her sleep, without disturbance. Paige slipped the pill down her shirt, and drank the water. She didn't need to be medicated. What was she doing, here, in a hospital, when Hazel had just died? She needed to find Hazel's parents, and confess. She needed to be thrown in jail. She would be caught. It was just her luck. But Dean would neverendure an ounce of blame.
Now you can try to tear me downBeat me to the ground; I will see you screaming
Paige pulled the IV out of her arm, wincing as the needle slid out of her vein, and stumbled to the bathroom to find something to cover the wound. When no Band-Aids presented themselves, Paige found the small suitcase her mother had packed, and settled for her black jacket.
'If they know who I am, they'll stop me,' Paige thought.
Her long, blonde hair was a dead giveaway. 'Fuck,' she thought angrily, wishing she could find some scissors. Finding nothing, Paige tucked her hair into the hood of her jacket. It would have to do.
Paige anxiously stepped out of her room, to find that the door was not guarded, but that nurses roamed the hallway. Paige's mind began to blur again, as a random nurse approached her. "What are you doing out here?" a male nurse asked.
As Paige began to lose consciousness, the nurse became the Matt/Dean hybrid from her nightmares. "What are you going to do now, Paige?" the figure asked, taking on a combination of their features. "Your best friend is dead, your parents abandoned you, and now you're stuck here. I'm all you have left. Think about it, Spirit."
Paige. Spirit. Matt. Dean. Nothing in Paige's mind was separate. It all seemed to blend into one puddle of mess. Hazel was only dead in her dream world, but that didn't matter. If Hazel was dead, than Hazel was dead. And she was fully responsible.
All my friends are goneThey died
They all screamed and cried
"I would rather be killed than stay with you!" Paige screamed.
"You don't like me?" the figure asked. "Then challenge me. I'm ready."
Paige tried to throw a punch, but Dean/Matt was unaffected. "Nice try, but it's not doing much," he said dully.
I'm going to take you down
Going to take you down
Going to take you down
Going to take you down
The male nurse saw Paige lying unconscious on the floor, and read her bracelet, which informed him of where she should have been.
Paige felt herself being dragged. The figure was slowly becoming Matt, rather than Dean, but it hardly mattered anymore. She was being dragged somewhere, against her will. Once again, she was being defeated, and was powerless to stop it.
All of my hate cannot be bound
I will not be drowned by your thoughtless scheming
Now you can try to tear me down
Beat me to the ground, I will see you screaming now
"You found her in the middle of the hall?" Dr. Newman asked. "That's strange," she said, pacing in her office. "I gave her medication, to keep her stable, at least for the night. Did she say anything, or do anything, before she collapsed?"
The male nurse thought for a moment. "She said that she killed her best friend, and seemed to be blaming whoever she was talking to. She was kind of mumbling, so I couldn't really make out what she was saying."
Hazel waited angrily by the phone, for someone to call with information on her best friend. Everyone at school had called Paige's room, or her mother, at least once, hoping for the smallest piece of information, but no one would talk to them.
When the phone finally rang, Hazel dove for it, without even checking the caller ID.
"Hello," Hazel said, trying not to sound as desperately anxious as she felt.
"Hi, is this Hazel?" Paige's mother asked.
"Yes," Hazel encouraged. "How's Paige."
"The doctor says that she really wants to see you," Paige's mother began. "I wasn't sure if that was a great idea, because her condition is still very unstable, but her doctor thinks that it would do her some good."
"They're allowing visitors now?" Hazel asked hopefully.
"They made an exception for you," Paige's mother explained. "Hopefully, it will do Paige some good."
"Thank you so much!" Hazel said brightly.
"Hazel's not dead," Dr. Newman said gently. "She's coming to visit you this afternoon. Won't that be nice?"
"She can't come visit me," Paige said dully. "She's…"
"Paige, listen," Dr. Newman pleaded. "You've been hallucinating. Whatever you're seeing is upsetting you quite a bit, but it's not real, Paige. And Hazel's coming to prove it to you."
Hazel's figure walked through the door, and Paige felt an icy shiver flow through her body. "Paige!" Hazel said, entering the room. "How are you?"
For a moment, Paige didn't speak.
"I'll leave you alone for a moment," Dr. Newman said.
Hazel took a seat by Paige's bed. "I was so worried about you," Hazel said. "I called so many times yesterday, but I couldn't get through. Are you feeling any better?"
Tears began to flow from Paige's eyes. "Oh my God. She was right."
"Who was right?" Hazel asked.
"She said that…"
"What are you talking about?" Hazel reiterated.
Paige sighed. "Oh, God. Hazel. I thought…"
"What?" Hazel encouraged.
Paige found herself at a loss for words. There was no way she could tell Hazel what was happening to her. Not only would it tear her apart for the world to know what was happening to her, but it would also worry Hazel more than Paige wanted. "I thought something had happened to you," she said, lamely. "I don't know why. I just did."
"It's okay, Paige," Hazel said. "You're my best friend. You're going to get help here, and you're going to get better."
"I hope so," Paige said weakly. "But I don't want to talk about myself. What's going on at school? How is everyone?"
They began to talk the way they always did, but Paige wasn't as content as she pretended to be.
After Hazel left, Dr. Newman returned. "What's wrong with me?" Paige asked, feeling lower than dirt.
"Well…" Dr. Newman said. "We'll have to examine you a bit further. But it seems as if you're suffering some severe posttraumatic stress disorder, which is contributing to a number of other problems. But what you are isn't as important as what we're going to do to help you. You frequently lose consciousness, and end up in another world. At first, they were just dreams, but it's getting to the point where you can't distinguish between your dreams and reality."
Paige shut her eyes, and hugged her knees at her chest. "So, what you're saying is, I can't control myself. That I'm acting out these perverse cycles in my mind because I'm mad at Dean for what he did to me."
All my hate cannot be bound I will not be drowned by your thoughtless scheming"Yes and no," Dr. Newman said. "There's nothing perverse about you, and you have every right to resent Dean. The problem is that you're carrying this resentment into places where it doesn't belong, and it's starting to control your life."
Paige continued to listen, but at the back of her mind, she could see Matt beckoning her back into her second reality. "I didn't mean to hurt you, Paige. I'm sorry. Please come back."
Now you can try to tear me down
Beat me to the ground, I will see you screaming