Disclaimer: Hey, guess what. I don't own Mortal Kombat.

A/N: Wow, it's been awhile since I updated this story. Oh, by the way, I draw the line at Raiden trying to kill Sparky the pet zebra. This fic may be crazy, but it's not THAT insane, lol. I also would like to apologize in advance for using an MK: Annihilation reference. Sorry for the wait, but I was having a bit of trouble with Mileena's section. Ya know, since she's a clone and all… never mind, you don't wanna hear me whine, you want the story. I'll shut up now.

Scorpion

Scorpion's dad was a drug addict. Nine months before young Hanzo Hasashi (I think I spelled that right…) was born (O-O), his father was especially high on crack. In fact, so was Hanzo's mother. This caused Hanzo to be born with utterly pupil-less eyes and a spear in his hand. He could also speak at an early age, although the only phrase he could say for quite a long time was (you know what's coming), "GET OVER HERE!" Anyway, when Hanzo was eight, he talked to his dad who had yet to come off of his original high. In fact, while he was still high from all the crack, he was smoking a joint and screaming about how he was Rick James, and how Erik Estrada was trying to get out of his navel.

…Where was I? … Oh yeah… MOVING ON!

"Dad, why am I always wearing this stupid yellow suit?" asked Hanzo.

"I dunno. You were born with it. We were both high on crack," said his father, falling off the couch and seeing chartreuse elephant UFOs.

"Ok then," Hanzo said, not entirely satisfied with the answer that he was a child of crack.

"Son, go deposit some bottles and get me some crack. NOW!"

"But Dad, we ran out of bottles, and you spent all the deposit money on crack for you and mom. I NEVER GET ANY OF THE CRACK! I WANT SOME CRACK TOO!"

"Too bad. Crack is for grownups. Not for little kids. Anyway, don't you read the warning labels on the crack?"

"…What warning labels?"

"You know, the ones that say 'pretty horsies are parading naked down bowling avenue and getting strikes,'"

"…That's it, you've had to much crack. Give it here," Hanzo said.

"NOOOOOO! YOU WILL NEVER GET MY CRACK!"

As his father said that, Hanzo calmly opened his hand and shouted, "GET OVER HERE!" But the spear shattered the crack… container… thingie.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Hanzo's father as tears stung his face in the randomly appearing rainstorm. "WHYYYYYYYYY!" he screamed.

Hanzo walked up to his dad and slapped him. His dad slapped back. They slapped each other for hours on end, but since Hanzo had a huge frickin spear in his hand, his father was soon unconscious. But, without realizing it, during the slap-fight, Hanzo had inputted the command for his undiscovered "Summon Hellfire" move. Bye-bye house. Then, the American that Sub-Zero froze last chapter (remember, "Hyler Tendrix?" so what if this is before then? It's my fic, and I can bend time if I want, dangit!) whose mouth was still stuck on the exhaust pipe hit the house, which exploded because of the gasoline in the vehicle. Or something. Details are still sketchy on that.

As Hanzo was blasted away, he vowed, "I'll get you Sub-Zero! OUCH! Frickin scorpion! … Scorpion…"

Author's Note

Wow, was that short or was that short? Hope it was funny though.

Baraka

"Honey, you know you're supposed to let your father do that!" said Baraka's mom. Hmmm, what to call her… George sound good? Nah, maybe I'll just stick with "Baraka's mom." MOVING ON! Baraka was carving up a turkey on the table while his dad was in the bathroom.

"But Mom, I'm starving. Wait a minute… This is COOKED! You know I only like raw meat! And BLOODY TOO!" Baraka said, starting to cry. His arms spasmed as be wept and he ended up carving the table into several pieces. Then the flood from his tears mixed the wood chips with the turkey. His dad didn't notice because he was still in the bathroom.

"That's it young man!" said Baraka's mother, flying into a rage. "That table and that turkey are coming out of your allowance! And JUST WAIT UNTIL YOUR FATHER GETS HOME!"

"…Mom, he's been home for the past twelve hours."

"…He has…?"

"Um, yeah. He's been in the bathroom the whole time."

"… For twelve hours."

"Yes."

"Crap, he must've fallen asleep on the pot again," she said. Turning towards the bathroom, she started yelling, "George! YOUR SON JUST MIXED THE TABLE AND THE TURKEY! COME HERE AND BEAT HIM UP!"

"Pretty birdies…" came the faint response from the bathroom.

"Oh, great, he's been drinking bleach again. GEORGE! DO NOT DRINK ANY MORE OF THAT!"

But it was too late. He was dead. Baraka performed the autopsy, and found that while his innards were sparkly white, the cause of death was sittingonthepotfortwelvehoursitis. While Baraka was performing the autopsy, his mother munched on a drumstick. She died from poisoning after ingesting wood polisher in the turkey. All this caused Baraka to grow up to be one pissed-off mofo. The End.

Author's Note

Short and not all that great. Where is my funniness going?

Raiden

"RAIDEN, GET BACK HERE THIS MINUTE!" shouted Raiden's mom, the goddess of disco and flashy lights in general.

"WHEEEEEEEEEE! CAN'T CATCH ME!" said Raiden, who was as sugar-high as can be.

"Raiden, thunder god and protector of earthrealm or no thunder god and protector of earthrealm, you are going to get back here this instant! Besides, everyone knows that thunder god is an unimportant position. Goddess of disco and flashy lights in general is MUCH more important. When your father, god of idiots and crappy fighters, gets back from the netherrealm, you are in BIG TROUBLE YOUNG MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!"

As she was making her speech, Raiden was summoning up random storms. Just then, a tornado caught her and was tossing her around.

"RAIDEN! STOP THIS TORNADO!"

"But Mommy, you told me when we were reading The Wizard of Oz that you would want to go there. Don't you anymore?"

"This isn't how I would get to Oz!"

"But it worked for Dorothy…"

"Dorothy was an annoying little Kansan who liked the Jayhawks too much!"

At that point, Dorothy randomly appeared.

"Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore!"

"Wow, you must be real smart, an IQ of two at least!" replied the ugly dog.

"…When did you learn how to speak?"
"OOPS! …I mean, ARF ARF!" said the stupid dog, which was smarter than his equally stupid owner.

"…Rock, chalk, Jayhawk! ROCK CHALK JAYHAWK! YAAAAAAAAAAAY!" said Dorothy in a waaaay too happy voice. (Because suspense can cause heart problems, the following facts will be revealed beforehand. Dorothy will die. The only damage the tornado will cause will be three broken lightbulbs, one broken pickle jar, and the bruising of someone's elbow. But, to retain SOME suspense, the person whose elbow will be bruised will not be revealed at this point in time. This is safe to do, because it has no impact on the story whatsoever. And if you got that reference, you get an oatmeal chocolate chip cookie, assuming I don't eat it first. The reference isn't that hard, so expect a cookie.)

Suddenly, Raiden, annoyed by the stupid Kansan girl, hit her with a bolt of lightning, zapping her out of existence. The tornado subsided, and his mother spanked him for almost hitting the dog, which she was fond of. Disco and flashy lights in general took over the world because Toto was thankful to the goddess of disco and flashy lights in general, and Toto possessed the power of mind control. Life was good, until rebellion began after the great Emperor Toto was dead, when Saturday Night Fever was shown on all TV networks for the millionth time. When Shinnok heard about the rebellion, he realized his plans were coming into fruition. Then he looked back through time and saw that it had all started from a tornado that his idiot son had conjured up. He slammed his arm down on his flaming table, bruising his elbow in the process. Then the Earth fell to burning, flashy lights and the horrors of ugly, fat, sweaty guys trying to dance disco. Have a nice day!

Author's Note Thingie

I have nothing against Kansans. Actually I am one. So don't come suing me, Kansan people! Moving on to Mileena.

Mileena

Being a clone made by Shang Tsung, Mileena was intended to be just like Kitana physically, but mentally evil. Unfortunately, the cloning procedure…thing didn't work entirely. Apparently, Baraka dunked chicken/wood chip strips in the DNA, and Mileena ended up being part Tarkatan, most obviously in the mouth and wrist areas. This is also why she has a fetish for long sharp teeth and arm claw-thingies.

One day at a royal banquet, Mileena sat down and calmly removed her mask. Taking a whole chicken, she shoved it in her mouth, and then spit out the polished bones, thus receiving disgusted looks from Shao Kahn and Kitana.

"What?" Mileena said, removing a glove spearing a pork chop with a rusty sharp claw-thingie. "Oh, duh. Want some?" she said after a minute, now proffering the plate of pork chops, covered in rust.

"Ewww," everyone else said, "We don't wanna eat THAT!"

"Sis, you really need to get plastic claw-thingies. They won't rust," said Kitana.

"You're just jealous of my beautiful claw-thingies!"

"…Not really. I can't think of anyone who would want a rust-covered sharp iron claw-thingie,"

"Girls, stop bickering. And no wearing your bathing suits at the table," said Sindel. Yes, I know she was dead before Mileena was created, but, once again, this is my fic and I can twist time if I want, dangit!

"But Mom, you're wearing a bathing suit too!" the twins/clones/sisters/whatever said simultaneously. "YOU ARE SO UNFAIR!" they also said simultaneously. "And Dad's just wearing two little straps that barely cover up his…" they managed to get out before being cut off.

"That's it! Go to your rooms, both of you! Now!" shouted Sindel, thus ending the ficlet. Also because I am out of ideas.

Author's Notes and Stuff

Ok then. Remember to review and request a few characters for next time. Oh, and Johnny Cage didn't actually have rabies. I thought he was foaming at the mouth but he had just squirted shaving cream into it because he thought it was Redi-Whip. Once again, sorry for the long wait, but I've been moving into the last half-semester in school, and I need to concentrate on a million things at once, so sorry! Until the next chapter, this is Omniscient Shadow signing off.