Disclaimer: anything you recognise isn't mine – god bless JK!!
Chapter 5 – Beyond the Grave
Reminder: Harry was in love with Ginny, but he never had the chance to tell her, she died and she didn't know.
*~*~*~* A Life More Ordinary *~*~*~*
Harry? Harry was in love with me? And he didn't tell me, he told Ron! I was furious, he could really pick his timing couldn't he, trust him to wait until I couldn't be with him, trust him to keep it a secret, and suicide I mean who did they think I was, I may be many things but I have never been a coward, they put me in Gryffindor, where they put the brave for gods sake! I didn't kill myself, I was murdered! I felt angry, angry because people believed that I Ginny Weasley would have killed myself, angry because My life had ended so soon, and angry at a world that could take yet another person Harry loved away from him, hadn't he suffered enough, what was this? Karma? Was Harry a serial killer In his last life? Last life, that's rich, I mean you don't see me getting on with another life do you!
Hermione sighed, "they're never going to leave him alone are they Ron? They take away everyone and everything he loves, one of these days he's going to stop fighting, they'll tip him over the edge, Harry's strong, but every time someone close to him is taken away a little more light leaves his eyes, and his heart hardens a little bit more"
Ron kissed her on the forehead, I was a bit embarrassed at seeing my brother and his girlfriend so intimate, I mean they had been dating for just over a year now, but they never did more than hold hands or cuddle in public, Hermione had always insisted that as head girl she couldn't be seen getting all cosy with her boyfriend, because it would undermine her authority, Ron meanwhile couldn't have given a toss if the world saw him snog Hermione, an attitude that had earned him a slap for his trouble on more than one occasion.
I had always envied Ron and Hermione, they seemed to have it so simple, how many other people could find their soul mate in the first place they looked, I thought bitterly, I had had several boyfriends, Michael, Dean, even Neville, but I had always found I could never make that connection, those two were linked and you could see it, while the rest of us wandered aimlessly from one relationship to the next.
It wasn't exactly true though was it, I knew from the first moment I saw Harry, the moment he stood on that platform at Kings Cross not knowing how to pass the barrier, that it was him I loved, and would always love. He had looked so lost back then, so innocent, already weighed down with trouble, but a light shone in his face despite everything, and it was that light that drew me to him, like a moth to a flame.
After Fred and George and Ron had brought him back to the Burrow a year later, I couldn't bear to be around him, I shut myself in my room, aware that if I saw him my face would show him my feelings, and it was something he couldn't know. When I found that diary that year I used it as an output for all my thoughts and fears, I was so scared that he would find out and dismiss me as a silly crush, and it was these thought's I shared with Tom.
I should have known better, mum had always told me never to trust anything if you couldn't see where it's brains were kept, but I didn't care, Tom was a friend, he listened, without judgement, and it wasn't until it was too late that I realised that it was Tom, that it was the diary causing all my problems, the blackouts, the blood on my robes, I threw it in the toilets of the girls bathroom, hoping that it would be flushed into the great lake, and that with its loss all my problems would be gone.
When I saw Ron and Harry with that diary I panicked, I had to get it back, Tom could tell Harry everything, and Harry mustn't know it was like the Burrow all over again.
I waited for a time when I knew nobody would be in the Boys dorm, Harry was at quidditch practice, while Ron was undoubtedly watching, I knew Neville had another detention with Snape, and both Seamus and Dean were playing wizards chess, in the common room, I saw my chance and took it, I hurried up to their room and tore the contents of Harry's trunk apart, eventually finding the diary hidden near the bottom inside a pair or old mustard coloured socks. Tucking it into my waistband I ran from the room, hiding around the corner as Neville discovered Harry's trunk. Moment's later as all the boys stood in the dorm discussing what had happed I made my escape, almost knocking Colin Creevey down the stairs as I made my exit.
It was by candlelight that I sat in my bed later that night with the curtains drawn that I wrote once more in the diary, I told Tom I knew what he was up to, I told him i would never let him hurt Harry, I told him that I would burn the Diary so he could never hurt anyone again! But by this time Tom had already become too powerful, I had never made the connection between my lethargy, and the diary despite my other suspicions, and I discovered too late, as he ripped the diary out of my hands laughing all the while, that he had beaten me, he had used my own life force to materialise, I didn't stand a chance, where I had become weaker his strength had grown and I'm ashamed to say I couldn't even offer a struggle, I was too weak, and my final thought as I fell into a deep slumber was of Harry, and how I had failed him.
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My only memories after that were waking up in the hospital wing, with many faces surrounding mine gazing down at me, and it was later I learned that Harry had followed me into the chamber and saved my life placing his own at risk.
It was at that point I realised the costs, how I could hurt others, I closed myself off from other people and built a wall around myself, I made my decision, I had to be strong, not only for myself, but for Harry, he had saved my life, and I swore I would one day pay back that debt.
No-one ever knew of my promise, and if teachers noticed the improvement in my focus, and in my studies they never commented upon it, perhaps blaming my first year work upon the diary incident.
I spent my spare time in the Library, always learning, and it was there I rekindled my old friendship with Luna Lovegood, As children we had spent time at each others homes, at least we did before her mother died, after the death of her mother we had grown apart, I couldn't visit her, because mum decided that two young girls would be too much to cope with for a grieving widower.
Luna had her own oddities, and never questioned my thirst for knowledge, more importantly she never avoided the whole diary incident as most people were wanton to do, instead her morbid curiosity made her the first person I could discuss my first year with, although I never told her why I studied so hard.
Most of my second and third year flew by pretty unremarkably, although I found my schoolwork was not quite enough to keep me distracted, to stop me getting close to Harry, so instead I began dating, and eventually started seeing Michael Corner, a Ravenclaw whom I had met in the library, because I had come to that conclusion that if I were to get close to Harry, things might get personal, and above all I couldn't allow that. I couldn't allow my emotions to get in my way, Voldemort could play on emotions, and if I was ever going to pay back my life debt to Harry I knew Voldemort could well be a deciding factor.
The summer before my fourth year was spent in Grimmauld place, and there with the help of Professor Lupin, I prospered, he never knew why I needed to know the spells he taught me, I just told him I needed to be ready, In this sort of war women and children who didn't know how to fight, how to defend themselves, they would be the first to die. He respected my reasons and unknown to my family; I began taking extra lessons in defence against the dark arts preparing myself for my future.
It was this year for the first time that I began to allow my emotions to muddle my thinking, I broke up with Michael, he had never been anything more than a distraction, and threw myself once more into my studies with new vigour, Harry's defence classes coming in at an ideal time with professor Umbridge's refusal to teach us practical work.
And then there was that fateful night at the Ministry of Magic, the night Harry once again lost someone dear to him, I stubbornly insisted that they would go nowhere without me, I know Harry didn't want us along seeing us as more of a hindrance than a help, yet both Luna and myself proved our worth in more ways than one that night, lasting longer than both Ron and Hermione.
I got off several good hexes before spraining my ankle. But even then I persisted, I wasn't about to be left behind, unfortunately the weaknesses of my body failed me, and I learned that it didn't matter how strong my soul was, or how much I knew, I had to be physically strong as well.
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It was the next year at Hogwarts that I began my new training regime, using the Quidditch as my excuse I began training myself, and disciplining myself, with Harry back on the team as a seeker, I became a chaser, a position I had always preferred, and I found him joining me more and more as I trained myself so that I could be the best I could be.
During this training I finally realised that I could not suppress my feelings for Harry and came close to telling him several times, looking back now I wish I had.
When Ron and Hermione became a couple he started seeking out my company more often, I told myself this was because he was lonely, but I was still happy just to spend my time with him, whether he knew of my feelings or not.
When his only family, the muggles were murdered that year, he moved to the Burrow and was treated like another brother to us all, yet I found myself growing ever more attached to him and began to try and force some sort of wall between us knowing my feelings for him may hinder my promise.
I started my sixth year in fear, now I suppose you could call it a sense of foreboding now in hindsight, the year progressed in much the same way as my fifth year, with all my spare time spent on the pitch, or in the Library.
Of course I had several run ins with Draco Malfoy, a boy more immersed in the dark arts than any of us, yet each time I threw my infamous bat bogey hex at him and he eventually learnt to leave me alone.
Harry was now in his seventh year, having changed so much from the defenceless boy I had met on the train station all those years ago.
A summer with us Weasleys had done him good, and whilst he did not look too happy, (he very rarely smiled after 5th year) he had put on some much needed weight, and had also become a companion in my studies, steeling himself I realised for a time he would come up against Voldemort once and for all.
He also thought I studied so hard for self defence, and I never let him know that come his time, I would be stood at his side ready to fight for him, knowing that he would only try and persuade me not to, My mind was made up, I had a purpose, and that purpose was to help Harry Potter or die trying.
Die trying, kinda funny now when you think of it, truth was I hadn't died trying, least I don't think I did, it occurred to me that whilst I knew I had been murdered I couldn't remember how, or where, suppressed memories perhaps, I couldn't remember, heck if people had still been able to see me, I would even realise I had died!
Snapped out of my thoughts by a sound below, I looked around me realising I was now alone, Ron and Hermione had left the room sometime whilst I was in my reverie, and night had fallen, the first stars of the early evening twinkling on the horizon.
I materialised through the wall, into the hallway, and was heading to the stairs when a noise from what had been my room distracted me.
Stepping through the wall I gasped to see Harry curled up on my bed holding my favourite sweater, with tears running down his cheeks, I stood and watched him, unable to offer any comfort, unable to alleviate the pain that I had caused….
I thought back to a muggle romance movie that Hermione had dragged me along to a cinema to see last year, the title of the film had been A life less ordinary, my only wish I thought ironically was that my life had been a little more ordinary.
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[A/N – I know this chappie has been a bit off on a tangent, but I had to fit the history in somewhere, I figured it might as well be here, get it over and done with!]
Darlon - thanks for all your support, you don't need to keep telling me your not flaming, I prefer to have constructive criticism! At least then I know where im going wrong!!!!
SilverMoonLuna