Story 7: Lieutenant Silly Sissy Pants
By: Conan16
The Parrs were sitting at the breakfast table, which is what they do during breakfast. In the morning. When...Oh forget it.
"May I have some more please?" Violet asked.
"Just as long as you sit at ease." Dash said.
Violet just shook her head.
"You're a dork." She said.
Dash scooted her silverware off the table.
"Dropped your fork."
Violet picked it up.
"Little jerk."
Dash put on a cardboard cutout mask on.
"Captain Kirk." He replied pointing to it.
"Ok...Dash, why are you doing that?" Helen asked.
Dash showed his mom his calendar.
"It's on my "365 Different Ways To Annoy Violet" Calendar! A different way to annoy Violet everyday!" He explained.
"Where on Earth did you buy that!"
"I didn't buy it...I made it." Dash chuckled.
Violet grumbled.
"Remember mom? Yesterday he kept mocking me in chicken clucks, and the day before that, every time Tony called he answered the phone posing like me." She said.
Helen sighed.
"Dash just get rid of that calendar." She said.
"Ok." Dash said, tossing it in the trash.
"Well that was easy." Helen thought.
"Doesn't bother me. I made about ten copies of that same calendar." Dash thought.
"Hey look at this!" Bob cried pointing to the paper.
"One of our super villains from long ago left us a note in the paper. It say that he' s going to be attacking the McDonalds on Fourth Street today."
"Hmm...There's only one super villain stupid enough to warn us that he's going to rob a fast food joint...Well, there's only one super villain stupid enough to rob a fast food joint." Helen said.
Bob nodded.
"Lieutenant Silly Sissy Pants." They said in unison.
Dun Dun Dun. Some background music went off.
"Who?" Dash asked, trying to hold in his laughs.
"Lieutenant Silly Sissy Pants. He's Bomb Voyage's twin brother, and probably the most pathetic super villain we've ever faced back in the old days." Bob explained.
"He may be a pathetic villain, but he has real weapons. Kids suit up! We're going to McDonalds." Helen said.
Dash and Violet cheered.
"For a mission, not to eat." Helen added.
"Awwwww." The kids whined.
Dun Dun Dun. The background music went off again.
"Where the heck is that coming from anyway?" Bob asked.
After The Incredibles suited up, they got into the Incredi-Mobile, and took off.
Mr. Incredible turned on the radio.
"Ladies and Gentlemen." The DJ began.
"We have a special treat for you. A fan wrote a couple of songs about Mr. Incredible and Elastigirl, and submitted them into our radio station."
Mr. Incredible turned the volume up.
"Hey! I remember they used to do this back before the supers went underground. Some of those songs were pretty catchy." He chuckled.
The DJ continued to speak.
"I never even listened to these songs yet. But the guy who bribed me...I mean gave me these tapes asked me to wait until I was on live to play them. Here's the first tape. A Theme song for the great Mr. Incredible!"
Music from the song "Secrete Agent Man" began to play.
Mr. Incredible chuckled.
"This outta be good." He grinned.
Here's a man who leads a life of danger.
For no reason at all, he beats up strangers.
With every move he makes,
Another back ache.
His nose resembles that of Michael Jackson's.
Mr... In-credible!
Mr... In-credible!
He's given you a number,
Is that his IQ or his age?
Pressing flowers in a book one day,
wearing women's clothing, the next day!
Oh, just look at that big gut!
From sitting on his butt!
His balding head could blind you in the sunlight.
Mr... In-credible!
Mr... In-credible!
He's given you a number,
Is that his IQ or his age?
The song ended.
Mr. Incredible was red with anger, and he had a grip so hard on the steering wheel that he literally crushed it.
"Now honey." Elastigirl began.
"This is probably the work of Lieutenant Silly Sissy Pants. Remember? He always used tactics like that to lower our self-esteem in battle." She said.
Mr. Incredible looked in the rear view mirror.
"Why are you guys red?" He asked his kids.
Violet squeezed her lips together and shook her head. She and Dash were trying not to laugh.
"Well, that was...Interesting. Hearing the first tape, I probably shouldn't play this second one of Elastigirl, but I'll be honest. I got on heck of a bribe from this guy!" The DJ said putting the next tape in.
Music from the "Teen Titans Theme" played.
Elastigirl reached for the off switch, but the knob popped off.
"Oh no..." She mumbled.
When there's trouble you know who to call, Elasti-Girl!
A soccer mom who's a big know-it-all, Elasti-Girl!
She may think that she is all that!
Her super suit makes her hips look fat!
When she walks, she slouches like a monkey!
Elasti-Girl, Whoa!
With her super powers she would unite, Elasti-Girl!
But she's always running away in fright, Elasti-Girl!
When she's running down the street,
She causes earthquakes with her big stubby feet!
She is nothing but a giant rubber band!
Elasti-Girl! Whoa!
Now it was Elastigirl's turn to be red with anger.
"I DON'T have big stubby feet! I don't run away in fright! I don't slouch like a monkey when I walk, and my hips are NOT fat!" She growled.
They reached McDonalds, and Mr. Incredible and Elastigirl jumped out of the car, and stormed right into the building. When The Incredibles went inside, everyone there was hiding under the tables and counters. Lieutenant Silly Sissy Pants was sitting at a table eating a Big Mac, with his fellow Silly Sissy Pants French army.
He looked the same as he did 15 years ago. A pink overcoat, a white tuxedo dress shirt, and white slacks, tucked in nicely, red and white striped stockings, and pink dress shoes.
"Ok LSSP! You're time is up!" Mr. Incredible cried.
His whole army dropped to the floor and surrendered at once.
"We beat them? It only took us like, twenty seconds." Dash said.
Lieutenant Silly Sissy Pants, or LSSP as he'll be called of and on, did not surrender. Instead he pulled a giant pocket watch out of his coat pocket.
"No, Monsieur Incredible. I believe I still have zee five minutes left to eat." LSSP replied.
Elastigirl stretched her arm out and grabbed him.
"You made a fool of us on public radio buster! I'm taking you out!" She cried.
"What? You did not like zee music I put on ze radio?" LSSP Asked taking a bite of his hamburger.
"I thought ze two of you would have enjoyed such humor." He said spitting hamburger crumbs on Elastigirl.
Elastigirl grabbed the sandwich from him and threw it.
"You're going down." She said, getting ready to punch him.
Lieutenant Silly Sissy Pants belched real loud.
"Eeewww!" Elastigirl cried as she dropped him.
LSSP Ran for the men's bathroom.
"Get him!" Mr. Incredible ordered of his family.
"Umm, dad...That's the men's room." Violet mumbled.
"So?"
"I don't want to go in there...There's things in there...Things I don't want to know about." She said.
Mr. Incredible sighed.
"Ok, fine! C'mon Dash!" Mr. Incredible and Dash ran into the men's room, and Violet sat at the table near them and waited.
That's when LSSP jumped out of the trash bin next to her, making her scream.
"Ahh! Zee lovely young woman." He said kissing her hand.
"Ewww! Don't touch me!" She said slapping him.
Lieutenant Silly Sissy Pants ignored that, as he pulled a Etch-N-Sketch out of his back pocket.
"I am writing a theme song for your brozer. I need something zat rhymes with wets the bed." He said.
Violet giggled.
"How about, big stupid head?" She suggested.
LSSP laughed.
"Ahh! Zat is a good one indeed!"
"Yeah, and then you could say...Wait! What am I doing?" Violet asked herself as she ran towards her mother.
"Times up LSSP!" Elastigirl cried.
Lieutenant Silly Sissy Pants pulled his big stupid pocket watch out of his coat pocket again.
"No, Elastigirl! It eez time for you to move out of ma way, before I slap you with ze giant salmon!" He replied.
"That was the lamest threat I've ever heard!" Elastigirl shouted.
"It was zee best I could think of on short notice. Now move aside or I shall taunt you again." LSSP said.
Mr. Incredible grabbed him from behind.
"We're taking you in Lieutenant Silly Sissy Pants." He said.
LSSP reached into his pocket, and pulled out a little round bomb, and threw it on Mr. Incredible.
Mr. Incredible recognized it as one of Bomb Voyage's bombs, as he let go of LSSP and pulled it off. It stuck to his hand.
"Crud!" He cried, trying to pull it off. It was stuck good.
Lieutenant Silly Sissy Pants began to laugh uncontrollably.
The timer on the bomb beeped loudly as it was about to explode.
"Dad!" Violet and Dash cried.
"Honey no!" Elastigirl cried.
The bomb exploded, and white powder went all over Mr. Incredible's face.
LSSP continued to laugh.
"Ah ha! A good joke indeed!" He said.
"Ok..." Mr. Incredible mumbled.
"So, if that was just a joke. How do you plan on destroying us?" He asked.
Lieutenant Silly Sissy Pants stopped laughing.
"You know, I have no idea. To be quite honest. I never thought I'd make it zis far." He said. Then he pulled out his gun. It was no bigger than a silver dollar.
"Now nobody move! Zis thing is loaded!" He cried.
"I've had enough of this." Mr. Incredible said, punching Lieutenant Silly Sissy Pants, and knocking him out cold.
"Well. Let's get him and his army to the police station." Elastigirl said.
"Right." Mr. Incredible picked LSSP up, and he slid out of his grip.
"What the?" Mr. Incredible picked him up again, and LSSP slid out of his grip again.
"Geeze! Even when this guy is out cold, he's still finds a way to be annoying!"
Lieutenant Silly Sissy Pants and his army were finally in jail, and the Parrs, as a treat, decided to have lunch at McDonalds.
"I tell you." Mr. Incredible began.
"If I hear one more stupid joke from someone trying to be funny, I'll literally toss him out the window." He said.
That's when Ronald McDonald walked up to their table.
"Hey everybody! You hear about the joke about the complementary nuts? Oops, I guess I already gave you the punch line. That's ok! I still have a million more jokes to tell." He chuckled.
Outside McDonalds, a little boy was walking back to the car with his mom, when he hears a window shatter from behind, followed by the scream of a clown flying into the air.
The End