Disclaimer: No DBZ is owned by me. *Tra-lala*
A/N:
I'm sure all of you are dying to hear my excuse why this is late. O_o;; *Backs away from advancing readers with bricks* Let me explain! *Flail* I was actually pondering giving up fanfictioning for a while, but I'm back! I actually CONTINUED a fanfic I had discontinued and it's actually nearly completion, so I'm all happy now! So...Forgive me? ^^;
Here it is!
A thanks to the Merriam-Webster online dictionary.
Mission: To Be, or Not to Be...A Woman??
The Second Term
Dende reached the look-out, prepared for Hell or high-water. After what Piccolo had just seen and been through, Dende was practically expecting his green elder to string him from the Look Out in the nude, just to be sadistic. Dende HAD to tell Piccolo he hadn't known Roshi was going to do that.
Scuttling along the white marble of the Look Out, Dende nearly tripped over his robes. Picking himself up he took off again. Surely Piccolo would be reasonable.
"HELP!!"
The familiar voice of Mr. Popo was coming from the stairs leading to the enclosed area of the Look Out. Dende raced there, only to find Piccolo prowling up to Popo, fangs bared.
"Do you..." Piccolo twitched. "Have any idea..." Twitch. "What I saw...?!"
Mr. Popo gulped. "I th-think so...??"
"I DIDN'T NEED TO SEE THAT!"
Dende waved his arms wildly to get the elder Namek's attention. "Piccolo! Please, listen! I didn't know that was what Roshi had planned!!"
Piccolo whirled around to face Dende. As he glared the young Namek down, he couldn't help but glance over his clothing. For crying out loud, couldn't Dende switch up his style just for one second?! The whole robes thing died last season, just because they were Nameks who lived on a floating 'island' in the sky didn't mean they couldn't look good!
Dende sweatdropped, having a feeling Piccolo was looking him over. "Piccolo I really don't know what you're going through right now but we've got to think! I think we should talk to the Z senshi's wives!"
Mr. Popo had scuttled behind the stairs. "I agree with Master Dende!" the genie piped.
Piccolo suddenly calmed down. "...No. Not yet. We're going to think of something else. That's only a LAST resort." The Namek turned, heading into the confines of the Look Out. "...And Dende."
"Y-yes?" Dende asked, a little nervous.
"You really need to go shopping. Stop living in tomorrow. Sheesh."
Dende sweatdropped, exchanging glances with Mr. Popo.
"This is bad," Mr. Popo admitted.
"Very bad," Dende agreed. But he did feel a little hurt. He didn't look THAT bad, did he?
"We've got to do something! We've got to find out another way to help educate Piccolo in the ways of the woman."
"I agree."
"No videos?"
"No videos."
"You don't want to hang upside down from the Look Out again, do you?"
"Nope."
"I hear the pigeons need some amusement..."
"Not funny."
Piccolo looked in the mirror of his favorite room of the Look Out--his own. He was still green, still had pointy ears-but there was something different about his eyes...
Hrm. He looked a little too green. Why didn't he ever think of adding a little lip gloss to his lips to bring out some of his Namekian radiance?
Blinking and shaking himself from those thoughts, Piccolo scowled. Now he was thinking about STYLE and lip gloss! Was this what women thought about?
Piccolo studied his chest in the mirror. What USE were these lumps for?
Images from the video came rushing back. Suddenly turning a few shades of a darker green, the Namek threw a hand over his mouth and sat in a nearby chair. Ugh.
Frowning, Piccolo had to wonder how much longer it was going to last. What if it was...
Permanent?
No way he could afford to buy lip gloss every day. This had to be stopped!
For a minute, Piccolo actually considered going to the Z senshi's wives. Then he realized that would be suicide. For is reputation at least.
Newsflash. Piccolo has sprouted breasts and is considering purchasing lip gloss. That would do well for him, that it would.
Piccolo then noticed he felt oddly hot and sweaty. Shifting his weight, he also noticed the light was a little bright. Grumbling Piccolo grabbed a nearby fan and walked out, fanning himself, determined to find that baka Guardian and his genie sidekick.
Piccolo was met at the stairs by the baka guardian and genie guardian themselves. Mr. Popo blinked, slightly disturbed at the sight of Piccolo waltzing down the stairs fanning himself, but the genie held his peace.
"Piccolo! We've thought of something else!" Dende said excitedly, hoping at all costs to avoid being strung up from the Look Out. "Why not READ about a woman? I found some text books!"
Piccolo frowned. "Where did you get them?"
Dende sweatdropped again. "Er...Gohan."
"YOU TOLD GOHAN!?!?"
Dende and Mr. Popo fell backwards at the burst of anger.
"NO!!" Dende squeaked, waving his arms. "I sorta, uh...stole them from him. I'm going back for another trip to see if he has any other materials!" Pulling from his robes, the guardian handed his elder Namek a stack of books, including a dictionary. "I just picked out random ones that looked scientific, I hope they help!"
Piccolo frowned before taking the books under an arm. "Anything else?"
Mr. Popo piped up. "We also found this!" He held out a magazine clipping. "You've had problem with your, uh, chest appendages, and we thought this might be the answer!"
Piccolo looked at the magazine clipping. It was of a human woman, posing oddly, half of her shirt slipping off and a black clothing-type piece covering her chest.
"It says 'Victoria's Secret' on the back, so I guess it's a human store that sells things for women! After you get done studying, we can go there," Dende said.
"How do you plan to do that?" Piccolo grumped.
"We don't know, but we'll think of something! Have fun!" Running out of bravery, Dende grabbed Mr. Popo by the arm and they both scuttled from sight.
Piccolo mumbled. Figures they would just abandon him like this. They were probably off to plot something ELSE.
Blowing out a sigh, Piccolo found a nice table and sat, first opening up the dictionary. At first glance he looked up the word 'woman'.
He found this:
a : an adult female person b : a woman belonging to a particular category (as by birth, residence, membership, or occupation) -- usually used in combination councilwoman
It also linked to the words: womankind, womanliness, wife, mistress, and girlfriend.
Womanliness was defined as:
a : distinctively feminine nature
Womankind was defined as:
: female human beings : women especially as distinguished from men
Piccolo then decided to look up the other definitions: wife, mistress and girlfriend.
Wife:
a female partner in a marriage
Girlfriend:
1 : a female friend
2 : a frequent or regular female companion of a boy or man
Mistress:
1 : a woman who has power, authority, or ownership: as a : the female head of a household b : a woman who employs or supervises servants c : a woman who is in charge of a school or other establishment d : a woman of the Scottish nobility having a status comparable to that of a master
2 a : a female teacher or tutor b : a woman who has achieved mastery in some field
3 : something personified as female that rules, directs, or dominates
4 a : a woman other than his wife with whom a married man has a continuing sexual relationship b archaic
5 a -- used archaically as a title prefixed to the name of a married or unmarried woman
Piccolo scratched his head. These definitions were confusing. Yet they all seemed to point to one thing. A woman was a female human, probably defined by these odd...things that had found their way on Piccolo's chest, and the different stature they held. And they hung out with men. But why? Surely women didn't HAVE to be with men.
With this question on mind, Piccolo flipped through some of the other materials available. They didn't give much more information, one was a book on physics and another on dandelions--which showed Piccolo how well Dende could read--but there was one book that had the oddest diagrams. They were labeled 'The Female Anatomy'. The particular diagram Piccolo was pondering over was labeled 'The Reproduction System'. That looked odd...
"I bet Piccolo thinks we're brainstorming more ways to help him!" Dende snickered, holding his cards out of Popo's sight. He wasn't falling for the stork tricks anymore.
"Are you sure this is right?" Mr. Popo asked, rearranging his cards.
"What, not helping Piccolo out in a time of need, and playing Blackjack instead?"
"What? Oh hell no, that's not what I meant. I meant are we playing this game right?"
"No idea."
"DENDE! Mr. Popo!"
Dende and Mr. Popo jerked from the voice, immediately stuffing teh cards in their clothes.
"Hello Piccolo!" Dende called, a plastic smile on his face as Piccolo entered the room.
Piccolo looked serious, biting his lip.
"Dende, I need to ask you something," Piccolo stated.
Mr. Popo edged away, then bolted from the room. Dende glared after him. Cowardly bast-
"Where do babies come from?"
Dende's train of thought froze as he stared at Piccolo.
Piccolo frowned, repeating himself. "Where do babies come from?"
Dende face vaulted. "I...."
"Well?"
"I don't know...exactly."
Piccolo sweatdropped. "You guard this earth yet you know not how the population reproduces?"
"Don't humans lay eggs?"
"Of course not, you dimwit! They're not Nameks!"
"Seagulls do!"
"Humans aren't seagulls!"
"Good point. Didn't the video help you that Roshi made you watch? What about the reading material?!"
"It just made me more confused. The video was...very disturbing....I've blocked most of it from my mind. But it had two women and a man on there, and they were doing something, and I couldn't understand it anyway. And the reading material uses a lot of terms I don't understand. Like, what's a vagina?"
Dende scratched his head, confused. "I don't know, I'm not the one to ask...you should ask Bulma."
"NO!"
"Well, who else is smart that we could ask?! Oh, I know! What about Gohan?"
"NO!!!"
Dende scuttled backwards, blinking nervously. "Sheesh...well...we have to find out somehow."
It was then Mr. Popo made his presence known. "I've made a discovery, Master Dende!" He walked in, waving his arms. "On the TV--there's a show, and a woman on there known as a 'sex guru'. They say she answers all kinds of questions, maybe she can answer yours!"
That sparked an idea from Dende. "I know of a woman named Ms. Cleo that's a 'psychic' and answers questions too! Maybe we can try out those two people!"
"How would that work?" A cynical Piccolo asked.
"Simple! We can get on the phone and talk with them while their show is on!"
"It might work..." Piccolo stopped. "Wait a minute."
"What?" Dende and Popo asked in unison.
"We have a TV?"
Dende and Popo face vaulted, sweatdropping.
A/N:
Hey again! Just want to encourage you to keep reviewing and telling me what you think, whether you like or hate it, about your thoughts or your dog named SugarMuffin. And PLEASE feel free to send my ideas! I really need them! ^^
Thank you for sending your tapes! Man, I've been entertained all day. Keep up the head banging!
Head banging: the new miracle drug. It cures all evils.
Jellybeans: ARE the evil.