Author's Note: Hey, all. It's been a while. Maybe like, a week or
something. Anyways, I wanted to take some time off, it being the first week
off from school and all. I had to relax, you know. I think it's a rule of
something. I'm gonna try to update more often, if I get a lot of reviews
anyway. If I don't get any, then I'll just leave it. Okay, I think I need
to stop rambling and start the chapter. Stopping now.
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Brooke's POV
I've never really felt this way before. I'm filled with this overwhelming hatred that I've never felt before. Back when Peyton and Luke went behind my back, I was hurt and angry but I didn't hate them. It takes a lot for me to hate someone. Truth is, no one had ever done something bad enough to cause me to hate them. So I guess Nathan should win a prize or something, right? Him being the first person I've ever hated. I didn't know I had it in me to have these feelings towards someone else, especially someone that I always thought of as harmless. Sure, he was a total ass when he was with Peyton, but he never really did anything that hurt her. Maybe she just didn't care about him enough to be hurt by anything he did, but I don't know. But I do know that he hurt my best friend in a way that no one else possibly could. I mean, even if some random guy had done it, it would be nothing compared to having it done by the man you love. To be completely honest, I hate feeling this way. I would give anything to stop this feeling. It's like I can't see clearly, everything I see has red in it. No matter how many times I blink, the red won't go away. The feeling is too intense, it's so strong. The only other feelings that overrides the hatred is the guilt and pain I feel for Haley. As much as I need to get my angry and hatred out on Nathan, I need to make sure that Haley is okay. I refuse to do anything that might make Haley feel any worse, even if it might make me feel better. She's the only thing that matters to me right now. I don't know how much longer I can keep these feelings bottled up, but I'll try my hardest. No matter how much hatred I have towards Nathan right now, I seem to hate myself even more.
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"I talked to Jim and he said that you can talk to him if you want," she tells me. It's like all the breath that I had inside of me is knocked out. What? She can't be serious, right? Cause, I really don't know if I can do that. I lay a hand on my stomach when I feel it tighten. I think I might be sick.
"What?"
"You can see Nathan," she repeats. Yep, that's what I thought she said. I wish I had heard her wrong. She's looking at me in confusion. God, what is wrong with me? The only thing I've wanted to do since I got here was yell and bitch at Nathan and now when I can finally do that, I freeze up? "Brooke?"
"Excuse me," I mumble as I run back into Haley's room and into her washroom. I barely look at them, knowing I'll burst out crying if I see Haley's face. I lock the door so Peyton can't come in and fall to the ground in front of the toilet. I can't seem to be able to throw up though. Oh, yeah, I haven't had anything to eat all day.
"What's going on?" I hear Haley's worried voice through the door. I have to smile slightly. After all the crap that's happened to her, she's still worried about me. No way do I deserve a friend like her.
"It's just something I said," Peyton answered, casually. Is she not going to tell her? She has got to be kidding me. There's no way I'm going down there if Hales doesn't say it's okay.
"What?" There's a pause and I wait for Peyton to answer. Nothing. I let out a puff of breath and stand up. I whip open the door that Peyton was leaning on, which causes her to stumble a bit.
"She told me that I get to talk to Nathan," I stat. I don't know how's face is worse, Haley's or Dan's. Both of them flinch at my words and pained looks cross both their faces. Huh, Dan really does feel bad. Good for him.
"Brooke," Peyton whispers at me, looking surprised that I said anything. I shot her a look that says she needs to leave me alone.
"As much as I want to rip his balls right off of him," I began. "I'm not going to do go down there unless it's cool with Hales." I look over at her and she gives me a sad smile in thanks. I return it before turning back to Peyton. "And as much as all of this has hurt me, Haley is the one in the hospital bed not me. So I think it's only right for her to make this kind of decision, don't you?"
"You're right," Peyton replies, careful not to say something that will just piss me off even more. "I should have asked her first." I nod to tell her that everything is cool before I turn back to Haley.
"So?" I ask. "What do you think, Hales? Is it okay if I go see him?"
"Do you promise to tear him a new one?" she asks, trying to make me think that she's totally cool with it. Does she really think that I don't know her well enough to know that she's uncomfortable with this? I look at Peyton and then at Dan.
"Can I talk to Haley alone for a minute?" They both nod and slowly walk to the door. Before I know it, Hales and me are alone again. I walk over to the bed and sit down on the edge. "You don't have to lie to me, sweetie. I know you really aren't okay with this." She sighs.
"Am I really that transparent?"
"I just know you well, that's all," I tell her with a smile. She smiles and nods back at me. "So, tell me the truth. If you don't want me to go, then I won't go."
"No," she stops me. She looks at her lap before taking my hands in hers. Man, why is she so cold? I gently rub her hand between mine, in an attempt to warm her up a little bit. "Look, Brooke, I know you're hurting, I'd have to be blind not to see that. I can't imagine what you were going through when you walked into that room last night. If that had been my and it was you in there..." She shakes a bit for emphasis, showing me that she would be just as distraught as I am right now.
"I know..."
"This whole thing has been hard on all of us," she continues. "I think that we would all feel better if one of us got to talk to him. Until then, he'll always be the elephant in the room."
"Monkey," I say with a smile. I know she won't get it, but I couldn't help but say it. Just like I thought, she gave me a confused look.
"Huh?"
"Never mind."
"Okay," she says unsurely. "Brookie, go talk to him. Not for me, but do it for you. He hurt you too and you need to tell him that." I finally let my smile break through. I have no idea what I did or didn't do to deserve her, but I'm so glad I did whatever it was.
"Are you sure?" I have to make sure. I need to. Despite what I may tell her or what she may think, when I go down there and I yell at him, it will all be for her. Every last word of it. I could care less about myself right now.
"You know it," she says with a little giggle. I laugh and kiss her on the forehead before standing up. She grabs a hold of my hand before I can walk away. "Thanks for making sure, though."
"No problem," I tell her, squeezing her hand.
"Come back as soon as you're done?"
"First thing," I promise. She nods, smiles and lets go of my hand. I grab the coat that I put on the back of the chair earlier and slip it on. "I'll leave you to the company of Mr. Scott."
"I know, can you believe that?" she asks, showing her surprise. She looks like she's just as surprised as I was to see him. I thought maybe they shared some kind of special relationship that I just didn't know about. Guess not.
"I don't think he believes it," I laugh. I shake my head and move to the door. I open it to find that Peyton and Dan are standing outside, talking. I don't know what they are talking about, since they both stop as soon as they see that I'm standing at the door.
"You can come back in," I tell Dan and he nods. He waves to Peyton and walks back into the room. I'm still standing in the doorway, watching as Dan goes and sits down beside Haley's bed.
"Bye guys," I say, turning to leave.
"Brooke?" I hear Dan call after me. I give Peyton, who's still standing in the hallway, a confused look before I turn back around.
"Yeah?"
"Do you think you could wait a few minutes?" he asks. Wow, he sounds kind of nervous. "I was thinking about going down there soon myself, I could give you a ride." Okay, that will be one uncomfortable car ride. I want to say no, but I really don't want to go down there alone and I know that Peyton has to stay here and be with Haley. Obviously, Dan won't be my first pick, but I guess I'll take what I can get.
"Sure," I say. "That would be okay."
"I just want to talk to Haley for a minute." I nod.
"I'll just be right out here whenever you're ready." This time he nods. I look at Haley and she gives me another smile, encouraging me to go. I smile back at her.
"Don't go easy on him," she tells me. I shake my head. There is no way in hell that that bastard is getting off easy. Let's just say that he better hope there is a lot of cops around.
"You know that won't happen," I reply. I blow her a kiss. "Love you, Tutor Girl."
"Love you too, Tigger." We share one more smile and with one more wave to Dan, I'm out the door. As soon as I'm out of Haley's sight, I can breath again. I lean against the door to gain some composure. Peyton steps towards me and lays a hand on my shoulder.
"Are you sure you can do this?" she asks me. I take a deep breath and look up at her. She's looking straight into my eyes and I know she can see right through me.
"I hope so," I say. She pulls me towards her and into a hug. I bring my arms up around her and lay my head on her shoulder. How am I supposed to do this when the very thought of seeing him, makes me want to cry? I have to cry now, to get it all out because I can't cry in front of him. I refuse to. I won't give him the satisfaction.
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That's it. Please tell me what you. I need to know what you think so I know that I'm not just writing to myself. Thanks. I'm outtie.
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Brooke's POV
I've never really felt this way before. I'm filled with this overwhelming hatred that I've never felt before. Back when Peyton and Luke went behind my back, I was hurt and angry but I didn't hate them. It takes a lot for me to hate someone. Truth is, no one had ever done something bad enough to cause me to hate them. So I guess Nathan should win a prize or something, right? Him being the first person I've ever hated. I didn't know I had it in me to have these feelings towards someone else, especially someone that I always thought of as harmless. Sure, he was a total ass when he was with Peyton, but he never really did anything that hurt her. Maybe she just didn't care about him enough to be hurt by anything he did, but I don't know. But I do know that he hurt my best friend in a way that no one else possibly could. I mean, even if some random guy had done it, it would be nothing compared to having it done by the man you love. To be completely honest, I hate feeling this way. I would give anything to stop this feeling. It's like I can't see clearly, everything I see has red in it. No matter how many times I blink, the red won't go away. The feeling is too intense, it's so strong. The only other feelings that overrides the hatred is the guilt and pain I feel for Haley. As much as I need to get my angry and hatred out on Nathan, I need to make sure that Haley is okay. I refuse to do anything that might make Haley feel any worse, even if it might make me feel better. She's the only thing that matters to me right now. I don't know how much longer I can keep these feelings bottled up, but I'll try my hardest. No matter how much hatred I have towards Nathan right now, I seem to hate myself even more.
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"I talked to Jim and he said that you can talk to him if you want," she tells me. It's like all the breath that I had inside of me is knocked out. What? She can't be serious, right? Cause, I really don't know if I can do that. I lay a hand on my stomach when I feel it tighten. I think I might be sick.
"What?"
"You can see Nathan," she repeats. Yep, that's what I thought she said. I wish I had heard her wrong. She's looking at me in confusion. God, what is wrong with me? The only thing I've wanted to do since I got here was yell and bitch at Nathan and now when I can finally do that, I freeze up? "Brooke?"
"Excuse me," I mumble as I run back into Haley's room and into her washroom. I barely look at them, knowing I'll burst out crying if I see Haley's face. I lock the door so Peyton can't come in and fall to the ground in front of the toilet. I can't seem to be able to throw up though. Oh, yeah, I haven't had anything to eat all day.
"What's going on?" I hear Haley's worried voice through the door. I have to smile slightly. After all the crap that's happened to her, she's still worried about me. No way do I deserve a friend like her.
"It's just something I said," Peyton answered, casually. Is she not going to tell her? She has got to be kidding me. There's no way I'm going down there if Hales doesn't say it's okay.
"What?" There's a pause and I wait for Peyton to answer. Nothing. I let out a puff of breath and stand up. I whip open the door that Peyton was leaning on, which causes her to stumble a bit.
"She told me that I get to talk to Nathan," I stat. I don't know how's face is worse, Haley's or Dan's. Both of them flinch at my words and pained looks cross both their faces. Huh, Dan really does feel bad. Good for him.
"Brooke," Peyton whispers at me, looking surprised that I said anything. I shot her a look that says she needs to leave me alone.
"As much as I want to rip his balls right off of him," I began. "I'm not going to do go down there unless it's cool with Hales." I look over at her and she gives me a sad smile in thanks. I return it before turning back to Peyton. "And as much as all of this has hurt me, Haley is the one in the hospital bed not me. So I think it's only right for her to make this kind of decision, don't you?"
"You're right," Peyton replies, careful not to say something that will just piss me off even more. "I should have asked her first." I nod to tell her that everything is cool before I turn back to Haley.
"So?" I ask. "What do you think, Hales? Is it okay if I go see him?"
"Do you promise to tear him a new one?" she asks, trying to make me think that she's totally cool with it. Does she really think that I don't know her well enough to know that she's uncomfortable with this? I look at Peyton and then at Dan.
"Can I talk to Haley alone for a minute?" They both nod and slowly walk to the door. Before I know it, Hales and me are alone again. I walk over to the bed and sit down on the edge. "You don't have to lie to me, sweetie. I know you really aren't okay with this." She sighs.
"Am I really that transparent?"
"I just know you well, that's all," I tell her with a smile. She smiles and nods back at me. "So, tell me the truth. If you don't want me to go, then I won't go."
"No," she stops me. She looks at her lap before taking my hands in hers. Man, why is she so cold? I gently rub her hand between mine, in an attempt to warm her up a little bit. "Look, Brooke, I know you're hurting, I'd have to be blind not to see that. I can't imagine what you were going through when you walked into that room last night. If that had been my and it was you in there..." She shakes a bit for emphasis, showing me that she would be just as distraught as I am right now.
"I know..."
"This whole thing has been hard on all of us," she continues. "I think that we would all feel better if one of us got to talk to him. Until then, he'll always be the elephant in the room."
"Monkey," I say with a smile. I know she won't get it, but I couldn't help but say it. Just like I thought, she gave me a confused look.
"Huh?"
"Never mind."
"Okay," she says unsurely. "Brookie, go talk to him. Not for me, but do it for you. He hurt you too and you need to tell him that." I finally let my smile break through. I have no idea what I did or didn't do to deserve her, but I'm so glad I did whatever it was.
"Are you sure?" I have to make sure. I need to. Despite what I may tell her or what she may think, when I go down there and I yell at him, it will all be for her. Every last word of it. I could care less about myself right now.
"You know it," she says with a little giggle. I laugh and kiss her on the forehead before standing up. She grabs a hold of my hand before I can walk away. "Thanks for making sure, though."
"No problem," I tell her, squeezing her hand.
"Come back as soon as you're done?"
"First thing," I promise. She nods, smiles and lets go of my hand. I grab the coat that I put on the back of the chair earlier and slip it on. "I'll leave you to the company of Mr. Scott."
"I know, can you believe that?" she asks, showing her surprise. She looks like she's just as surprised as I was to see him. I thought maybe they shared some kind of special relationship that I just didn't know about. Guess not.
"I don't think he believes it," I laugh. I shake my head and move to the door. I open it to find that Peyton and Dan are standing outside, talking. I don't know what they are talking about, since they both stop as soon as they see that I'm standing at the door.
"You can come back in," I tell Dan and he nods. He waves to Peyton and walks back into the room. I'm still standing in the doorway, watching as Dan goes and sits down beside Haley's bed.
"Bye guys," I say, turning to leave.
"Brooke?" I hear Dan call after me. I give Peyton, who's still standing in the hallway, a confused look before I turn back around.
"Yeah?"
"Do you think you could wait a few minutes?" he asks. Wow, he sounds kind of nervous. "I was thinking about going down there soon myself, I could give you a ride." Okay, that will be one uncomfortable car ride. I want to say no, but I really don't want to go down there alone and I know that Peyton has to stay here and be with Haley. Obviously, Dan won't be my first pick, but I guess I'll take what I can get.
"Sure," I say. "That would be okay."
"I just want to talk to Haley for a minute." I nod.
"I'll just be right out here whenever you're ready." This time he nods. I look at Haley and she gives me another smile, encouraging me to go. I smile back at her.
"Don't go easy on him," she tells me. I shake my head. There is no way in hell that that bastard is getting off easy. Let's just say that he better hope there is a lot of cops around.
"You know that won't happen," I reply. I blow her a kiss. "Love you, Tutor Girl."
"Love you too, Tigger." We share one more smile and with one more wave to Dan, I'm out the door. As soon as I'm out of Haley's sight, I can breath again. I lean against the door to gain some composure. Peyton steps towards me and lays a hand on my shoulder.
"Are you sure you can do this?" she asks me. I take a deep breath and look up at her. She's looking straight into my eyes and I know she can see right through me.
"I hope so," I say. She pulls me towards her and into a hug. I bring my arms up around her and lay my head on her shoulder. How am I supposed to do this when the very thought of seeing him, makes me want to cry? I have to cry now, to get it all out because I can't cry in front of him. I refuse to. I won't give him the satisfaction.
OTH
That's it. Please tell me what you. I need to know what you think so I know that I'm not just writing to myself. Thanks. I'm outtie.