Disclaimer: I do not own the characters portrayed below, nor do I claim to.

Forgive me, please, for any spelling or gramatical mistakes. I had a very short time to write this.

This Is How We Die

It's funny how you can forget something completely, but then it just comes back to you. Like when you're dying, and suddenly you remember that you owe this guy ten dollars, or that in your past life you stole something twice, and stole it another two times in this life. Or how you wasted your entire life trying to find the reincarnation of the love of your life, and suddenly you remember that you found him years ago, but tried to love him for who he was now and thus, forgot you knew.

Lying here in an ever growing puddle of my own life, I know one thing I never knew before. That this is how I die.

I can remember Youmi. He was my strongest partner. I loved him as I loved my kin, before they were slaughtered. He was obsessed with me, and I basked in his love, though I did not return it. I was cruel to him, abusing his love over petty things that mattered little or not at all. Looking back, I'm not surprised he rebelled. I would have rebelled. But because of his disloyalties, I had to punish him . . . how cruel I was . . . I took away his sight. And he took part of my heart. I willed myself to forget that, but I remember now.

I can remember Kuronue. I loved him with all my heart and soul. I loved him as the stars love the moon. I wanted to stay by his side forever. I wanted him to know I loved him, but I never told him. I made loved to him, and purred like a kitten when he was with me, but I never told him a loved him. I did . . . I loved him!

I can remember the day Kuronue died. I can remember screaming at him to stop. He told me he needed his necklace. That he could not live without it. I gave it to him, one night, when I told him that he was my favorite. I couldn't say love, but that was closer than I had ever come before. He ran towards his prized jewel and then . . .then . . . he died. It was trap! I screamed at him that it was a trap! Blood seeped from his wounds, where thick bamboo poles had pierced through him, as if he were paper. I ran back for him, and he told me to leave him. He said . . . he said, Kurama, run! Save yourself! I love you far too much to watch you die! Remember me, please. Just go! And I ran. That's my first memory of real tears. I cried for ages. I cried from the loss of the love of my life.

I remember the next day. I ran to his body, to find it and bury it as it was supposed to be. I hugged his cold body and kissed his unmoving lips. His blood stained my hands and hair, and heart. I buried him. And then I hardened my heart, so no one else could break it. I buried him in clearing, with the sea and sky and trees and land all watching over him. And my heart was as cold as his flesh. I forgot my Kuronue, so I could remember how to live.

I can remember my botched mission that sent me to the womb of a human. I merged with the child she carried and was reborn human. She was actually meant to have twins. One died upon my entrance. I like not to think of that. I grew up again, a human. Weak, loathsome human, I thought. I hated my life and I hated the woman who brought me here. But eventually I grew strong, even as human and accepted it.

I met Hiei. I knew at once that I loved him, and that he loved me, too. If he felt the same when he saw me, I do not know, nor will I ever. He came searching for Youko, for a mission and one look at my human body and he knew. I had been looking for my darling Kuronue's reincarnation. And here, I found him. I knew it was him, but he didn't know me as "his Kurama". So I again hardened my heart and learned to love Hiei, as himself. And I did love him. I loved him more than I ever thought I could, after Kuronue's death. But I forgot why I thought that Hiei and Kuronue were the same.

One day, he proposed a boding, a claiming of sorts. Kuronue had claimed me, once. His bite remained as ever on my left hip, a scar of love. Hiei claimed me, also with a bite, where my shoulder met my neck on my left side. Kuronue had told me after how much he loved me and how he would never leave me. Hiei did the same. And three months later, he informed me that he was in love with another. And so, Kuronue left me again.

I remember the next week clear as crystal, and as vivid as if it were happening right now. I stayed in my room. I cried. I wept, rather. I did not eat, nor sleep, nor move, really. I tore every picture I owned of me to shreds. I could not tear him up. There was nothing wrong with him. It was me. All me . . . I was flawed, and flawed is never good.

I ran away. I found Karasu in the Makai. He had revived himself. I let him take me. I let him have his way. I made him right a letter detailing this to Rekai Tantei. I didn't love him, but I basked in his love and hate for me, hating myself, and feeling worthless.

When the Rekai Tantei came to "save me," Karasu was in the middle of taking me. I was dirt before their eyes. They screamed, and gasped in horror and looked at me with tears in their eyes. I looked back, and I knew from their response they knew I had been broken. Hiei flung Karasu to the side, with power I didn't know he had, and he approached me. Kurama, he said. Kurama, I'm sorry. So, so sorry. Come back with me and we can live together again. He reached out his hand, expecting me too run into his arms, like a foolish school girl.

I told him a didn't want pity, in a small broken voice. He told me it wasn't pity he was offering; it was another shot at life. I broke down and cried, then. I had nothing left. I knew I could have Hiei again, but I would never have his heart. I knew that Kuronue was gone, and that I was terribly mistaken. There was no way that this . . . this boy, this monster, this heartbreaker was my perfect soul mate. He died. And the dead can't love, or become the same person. Hiei didn't understand. I didn't want him, I didn't want Karasu, and I didn't want Youmi. I wanted Kuronue, and Kuronue was never coming home. So I sobbed. And the Rekai Tantei took me home. To my room. Hiei tried to stay with me, but I put wards on my walls, and doors and ceilings. I didn't let Hiei in.

I took Kuronue's necklace out of my sock drawer and put it around my neck. Visions of him comforted my sleep and I knew I was happy. But when I woke that same night, the aching of my body from Karasu's lovemaking burned, and I was dirty. I could no longer be just Kuronue's. I had been taken by so many other people since then. I was desirable, then taken, then left with the trash. I wanted to be loved by him, now! He's gone, and not coming back, the rational part of my brain screamed. But I can go to him, the other part screamed back.

I ran outside, where it was raining, pouring, the sun away and the thunder and the lightning playing out great stories in the sky. I let the rain wash me clean, and the thunder beat with my heart and lightning take me in with each flash triumph. I let the storm be my guide, let it lead me to my fate. And I found a lake, with a loosely tethered boat waiting for me.

As I stepped in, I felt warm and right inside as the boat led me to a crossroads. An eerily dark forest and a bamboo forest. I ran towards the bamboo, racing towards my fate. I stopped short, falling to my knees. My stomach embraced the thick pole, bleeding onto it's length. More appeared. More bamboo spears to be thrown at Youko, their new target. And this is how we die. We are in a forest, and we are holding hands, because we both know what's going to happen and we are crying, and I whisper I love you, but You are hundreds of years behind me. And you whisper that you love me too, and we are crying, and smiling and waiting, and our pasts flash before our eyes. The we are lying in our blood, watching this mirror image of our lives. I love you Kuronue. I love you Kuronue. I love you Kuronue. I love you Kuronue. I love . . .

Youko Kurama bolted up, a scream tearing past his lips, as he panted, trying to forget his horrid dream.

"Kuronue!" He cried, waiting for his partner in many ways to appear. To not be dead. To not be as in his dream. "Kuronue!" His partner was at his side, in moments, and Youko latched onto him, quivering in fear.

"What's wrong," Kuronue asked him, gently. "Love, what's the matter." He held the kitsune tenderly, rocking him back and forth. In their dark clearing that was looked upon by the sky, the sea, the land and the trees shadows danced and haunted Youko that night, as he pulled his lover nearer.

"I saw the rest of our lives, of yours, and mine, and how we died! It was horrid! Oh Kuronue! I never told you either, and that as the worst . . . I never told . . .never . . ."

Kuronue had never witnessed his lover having a breakdown before, andit frightened him. "What did you never tell me?"

"That I love you."

"Oh, Youko," their arms were around each other, and their bodies became one.

"Kuso, my necklace," Kuronue turned his back to his partner and ran.

"It's trap!" Youko screamed at him.

"I need it! I can't live without it," Kuronue responded and ran. You gave me this necklace, thought Kuronue. I need it because I love you.

"Kuronue! No! Kuronue!" He fell from the sky, bamboo poles skewering him. "KURONUE!" Youko threw caution the wind and ran to his partner.

"Kurama, run! Save yourself! I love you far too much to watch you die! Remember me, please. Just go!" and Youko ran, tears trailing down from his eyes, and from his heart.

"It's true," he said, almost inaudibly. "This is how we die."

Fin.