In This Life

A Tokyo Mew Mew fanfic
by Abigail / pikari

chapter five. breakdown

(soundtrack. 05. are you sure?. bonnie pink)

I'm with you / But sometimes your heart is not with me / I'm with you / But sometimes I can't see / I'm with you all day long / But you're thinking about somebody whom I don't care / I hear you / You sound like you don't want to share / I hear you / Looking for a chance to run / Too scared to ask you / Love you much too much / Too weak to say that I don't need you no more / "Are you sure you're with the one you love?"

I'm with you. Are you with me?

-

"I… I don't understand."

Ichigo felt her world spinning slowly out of control, like a slow-motion dream where she could only watch, frozen, as everything crumbled around her, and she could only scream silently as everything fell to pieces. One of those surreal dreams that had to be just that… a dream. This was a dream.

"You… don't like me?" Another piece crumbled away, feeling like it carried part of her heart with it.

"No, Ichigo, that's not it! Please don't think that. I only said I think we should spend some time apart. You're always so busy with the café, on top of school, and I know it's stressful. I don't want to put any more pressure on you. I think it's better for both of us… if we don't see each other… at least for a little while."

"…Why?" Ichigo's mind grasped for a reason, a way to fix this. Had she done something wrong? Had she forgotten to call him? Was it the way she looked? Was she not cute enough anymore? He didn't want to be with her anymore? What had changed? Her mind rushed in panicked circles, but she couldn't think beyond the pounding questions. Why wouldn't Aoyama want to be with her? It seemed silly, ridiculous… right? I mean… she'd never even stopped to seriously question it.

Aoyama looked apologetic. "Please don't misunderstand. I like you, Ichigo, but…" he looked away, "Lately I feel like I'm… distracting you." When he faced her again his expression was positive, though his usual bright smile seemed to falter a bit. "I don't want you to feel like you have to go out of your way for me! So, I think we should separate for a while."

She stared back, feeling a robotic smile creep across her face. Somewhere behind the mask, she felt a flood ready to break through. But she wouldn't lose herself in front of him. She couldn't. If this was what he wanted… "O-of course, I understand… Aoyama-kun" She understood – he didn't want to be with her.

He seemed relieved. "Thank you, Ichigo."

She tried to keep smiling, but her control was starting to crack. Everything seemed so surreal, like she might wake up any moment. The world around her blurred as a foreign hot warmth stung the corners of her eyes. Her hands had become fists knotted in her lap, as if the tighter she squeezed them, the more chance she might have of holding back the wave that threatened to explode inside of her. Ichigo swayed slightly as she stood up.

"Sorry, I… n - need to…" She found she couldn't even force out a decent excuse as she fumbled for her bag. She knew her act was failing miserably as Aoyama moved to stand, concern in his face.

"Ichigo, wait…"

She nearly tripped over the chair leg as she turned but kept running – blindly running as fast as she could away. Away from him. She didn't care now that the tears streaked her face, even when pedestrians gave her strange looks. She just needed to get as far away from this terrible nightmare as she could. Her bag swung wildly behind her as each slap of her shoe against the concrete seemed to drive the reality deeper, piercing her heart, but she kept running, as if somehow she might escape.

Aoyama sank back into his chair, letting his head fall into one hand. He'd screwed it up. He'd done everything the wrong way, and now he felt terrible. What was he supposed to say? He had an idea that no matter what he might have said or done, she would only misunderstand. He'd never wanted to hurt her, but how could he make her see?

Every day, the excuses, the cover-ups – the secrets she thought she was hiding. The bright face she put on whenever she saw him – that face he loved so much – but he knew there was something more beneath the sweet giddiness. Something she didn't want him to know. She probably didn't even know it herself. He never doubted her sincerity from the start, and months ago he could have never foreseen this situation. Everything had been perfect. But now, day after day, he saw it in her eyes – the distance, the distraction. He'd been at the café, and he'd seen. He couldn't shake the feeling anymore that he was only a third wheel holding her down. And he didn't want to do that to her. Maybe he was wrong about everything, and that made him terrible person now. But he needed to let her go, for her own sake. And because she needed someone to protect her. Protect her from something he didn't even understand himself.

I like you, Ichigo, but I can't be with you… if you're in love with someone else.

Even if you don't realize it yet.

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

She wasn't sure how long she wandered the streets. After a while the scenery simply blended together and her feet carried her without thinking. The tears came and went – just when she thought she had poured them all out, they would start up again. People sent her strange looks as she passed, but she took no notice. Masha popped up from her backpack and flitted about, apparently confused at the state his mistress was in. "Ichigo… sad? Ichigo… sad?"

"Yeah, I guess so, Masha." She captured the fuzzy robot in her arms, needing something to hug. Masha purred softly, not minding that he was also being used as a Kleenex. Another unwanted tear slipped down her cheek, and she quickly swiped it away, letting a heavy sigh escape her lips. "I just don't know what to do. He didn't really say he wanted to break up, right? Am I freaking out? But what if he really does want to break up and he's just being too nice to say it!"

"Cheer up! Cheer up!" Masha bounced in the air in front of her.

"Easy for you to say…" she sighed bitterly. Her lower lip was beginning to tremble again, and Ichigo knew another wave of tears was coming. She sank to the sidewalk in a curled-up ball and let the sobs take over her body. After several minutes when they had begun to subside she lifted her head again, wiping her face with her sleeves.

"Ichigo, time to go!" Masha did a backflip in the air and then attached himself to her backpack again.

"What?" Ichigo blinked in confusion. Go where? Then with a sickening feeling in the pit of her stomach, she realized she was only blocks from the café. "Masha, no, I can't…" The café was the last place in the world she wanted to be right now. Not today. She buried her head in her knees again and tried to get closer to the place she wanted to be – a hole somewhere in the earth. It wasn't long before low distant voices made her look up. A couple of middle-aged mothers carrying small children were eyeing her with concern. Ichigo finally realized how strange she probably looked and that, as much as she might have wanted to, she couldn't sit here forever. She pulled herself heavily to her feet. She could go home, but her mother would be there waiting for her, and she would have to explain everything, and Ichigo wasn't sure she was ready to do that in her current state of mind. Glancing up at the clock on the street, she saw that it was about fifteen minutes until the café would open for the afternoon. Perhaps if she could sneak into the café and clean up her face right away, she would be alright and nobody would notice.

She slipped through the back door and closed it softly behind her. She could hear voices coming from the kitchen; some of the girls were here already. Ichigo rubbed at her eyes again. She probably looked like a horrible mess. She hurried off to the back room to retrieve her café uniform. It was just a few steps down the hallway, and once she'd got it, she could make a break for the bathroom and disappear until she'd made herself halfway presentable.

Her hopes of going unnoticed exploded right there when the last person on earth she wanted to face rounded the corner. Ichigo felt her heart jump as she quickly spun in a 180-degree turn and strode in the opposite direction. Never mind the uniform, she'd go straight for the bathroom. Too late. He'd already seen her face. She could hear his steps falling behind her even as she quickened her own pace. "Ichigo!" Shirogane's voice was curious and concerned. Panicked, she broke into a run – anything to get away as fast as she could. He followed. It wasn't many steps before he had captured her wrist in his hand and whirled her around to face him. She struggled, trying to turn away again, as she felt those stupid tears rising to her eyes again. He grabbed her chin, turning her face up towards his. There was no hiding her red, puffy eyes or tear-streaked face now. "What's wrong!" he demanded, surprise and concern reflecting in his wide blue eyes.

"N-nothing," she sputtered, jerking away. The expression he shot her read You expect me to believe that? She poked at the edge of her eye with one finger before another tear could escape and turned her back to him. "It's not… any of your business." He wouldn't care anything about her love life to begin with, so she would simply spare herself the humiliation of telling him. Shirogane didn't reply, and neither did he walk away. In the silence that lingered it became clear that she wasn't going to explain anything more.

Finally he turned away. "Go home."

"What…?"

Shirogane crossed his arms with a frown. "You can't wait tables looking like that. You'll scare the customers away. Go home, I'm giving you the day off. Get some sleep or something."

"O-okay." She didn't feel the strength to argue anything, and was more than willing to accept his offer. Ichigo sniffled, and walked back toward the door feeling strangely relieved without having the burden of trying to work through the rest of the day without breaking down completely. The four other girls poked their heads into the hallway as she passed.

"Ichigo-san, what happened?"

"What's wrong, na no da!"

"You look horrible." Minto was blunt as ever.

"You guuuuuys! It's so awful…!" Ichigo wailed. She double-glomped Retasu and Minto together as she poured out her soul…

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

It was many hours later, after Ichigo was long gone (she'd left for home not long after they'd opened), and after he had finished helping Retasu stay after closing to clean up the pile of charred cakes and broken glassware that was the result of Purin's new firebreathing-double-backflip-on-a-balancing-ball trick, that Shirogane finally sank into the chair in front of the computer in his room. He needed to check up on the status of the aliens in Tokyo tonight, and more than that, he needed to get his mind off of certain catgirls and their crazy incomprehensible emotions. His eyes scanned over the data that the system brought up, and it wasn't long before his mind had lapsed into business mode, completely absorbed in the task in front of him. There didn't seem to be anything to worry about tonight, but one could never be too careful. He was distracted and mildly surprised when the computer gave a small bell sound effect. He glanced toward the corner of the screen where a message had popped up.

+StrawBerryNeKo+ has signed in.

He'd never really taken an interest in the whole internet chat craze – the thought of talking with some random stranger on the other side of the world for the fun of it just didn't appeal to him, and he had no friends he couldn't speak with face to face or call on the telephone if he needed to. That was why normally he would close the program once he'd finished checking his email, but earlier today he must have forgotten to log out. He stared at the screen for several seconds, considering, before he clicked the name. His fingers hesitated over the keyboard, then started typing.

Feeling better yet? No, that was lame. His index finger quickly moved toward the backspace key. If you're still crying over something so stupid, you're dumber than I thought. Nah… she'd really kill him. Even with a safe cushion of half a mile between them. Besides, even if he did tend to be a little cruel once in a while, he wasn't that cruel. Finally he typed up another message. Best to be safe and stick with work. Not that she wouldn't kill him anyway. Not letting himself stop to think about it any longer, he hit 'enter'.

Ichigo jumped slightly at the sound of an instant message popping up. Her heart beat wildly with hope for a moment – maybe it was Aoyama-kun wanting to talk to her? Her reaction soon changed as she blinked at the message on the screen in front of her.

PlatinumRyo says: You know, just because I let you off today doesn't mean you can take the whole week off. I expect to see you tomorrow.

Ichigo could feel the tears beginning to burn the edges of her eyes. After all she'd been through already today! Surely, the girls had told him everything that had happened, and he was still going to be such a jerk like this? She felt herself almost trembling with emotion as she pounded at the keyboard in front of her.

+StrawBerryNeKo+ says: Who says you can talk to me here?.?.?

PlatinumRyo says: Who says I can't?

+StrawBerryNeKo+ says: I can block you!.!.! >:(

PlatinumRyo says: And I can just as easily hack your password, neko girl.

He sat back and waited for a response. Maybe he'd won this time's little battle of words, but he knew her silence on the other end was something much deeperWhere was the next sarcastic comeback? Ichigo didn't give up this easily… at least, not the normal Ichigo. He wished he could see more than the just the silent blinking cursor in front of him. If only their little chat program could read thoughts. He made a mental note to invent one of those after all this was over. The silence grew longer, and still no messages popped up as he continued working on the data in front of him. After a minute or so, he brought up the chat window once more.

PlatinumRyo says: So, 8AM tomorrow?

It wasn't long before his answer came.

+StrawBerryNeKo+ says: How can you not even care about other people's feelings, YOU JERK!

Ah, as expected. Well, he figured one good point about this chatting thing could be that capslock wasn't nearly as painful on his eardrums as the real Ichigo. But he was satisfied to get a real reaction again, even if she still just didn't understand, as always.

PlatinumRyo says: If you don't show up tomorrow, how am I supposed to know you're alright?

Ichigo found herself staring at the screen in surprise once again. What… was that supposed to mean? Shirogane never cared about her personal life. Whenever she got into one of her moods he would always just ignore her or tell her to snap out of it or something like that. And if, just if, she ever wanted to tell him anything, to share her problems and feelings and silly emotions… he'd laugh at her for sure. Why would today be anything different? Had she really been so messed up this afternoon that he was that worried about her?

+StrawBerryNeKo+ says: ……o.O?

PlatinumRyo says: It was a simple question.

+StrawBerryNeKo+ says: Fine, I'll be there.

PlatinumRyo says: I'm not saying you have to, okay? But I don't think sitting around the house all day is going to do you any good.

Ichigo felt the tears creeping to her eyes again – helpless tears this time, as she was reminded once again that she was alone. Aoyama-kun didn't want to see her anymore. But she knew Shirogane was right. Sitting at home alone all day would be miserable. At least at the café, she would have something to distract herself, and friends to comfort her. She wrapped her arms around her middle, trying to push away that empty churning feeling inside. It hurt so much. She was probably just being stupid, right? After all, he hadn't said 'forever'. It was just 'a little while'. But she'd seen something else in his eyes. Or was it just her paranoia? Had he met someone else? It was just a short little break-up, but it felt like the end of the world.

PlatinumRyo says: Ichigo?

Shirogane was still there. Why? Why hadn't he logged off and gone to bed yet? She rubbed her wet eyes and used her pajama sleeve to wipe her runny nose, not caring about the mess it made (She'd already depleted her box of Kleenex.) Well, that was okay. If they were in the same room, she'd be embarrassed and irritated to have him there looking like she did, but like this… well, it was weird but she didn't mind him as much this way. And it almost seemed like he was genuinely worried.

+StrawBerryNeKo+ says: I'm ok.

PlatinumRyo says: Good.

PlatinumRyo says: Because there's a pile of dirty dishes waiting for you in the morning.

+StrawBerryNeKo+ says: whatthhkjnvaiefjaoeifn!.!.!.!

Shirogane found himself suddenly pitying the girl's poor keyboard.

PlatinumRyo says: I'm joking, Ichigo.

+StrawBerryNeKo+ says: I'm not laughing.

PlatinumRyo says: I'll bet you are. I bet you're smiling like this:. :D

+StrawBerryNeKo+ says: AAAAAAHHH! Don't type smiley faces, it's creepy!

PlatinumRyo says: Don't people normally type smiley faces when they chat?

+StrawBerryNeKo+ says: Yes, but it's creepy when you do it!

PlatinumRyo says:. :D :D :D

+StrawBerryNeKo+ says: AAAHH!.!.!.! You're doing that on purpose! Stop it! You're being wierd tonight.

PlatinumRyo says: Why's that?

Why? Ichigo pulled her knees tightly to her chest. Because you're making me smile, too.He wasn't supposed to be doing that. Only one person was supposed to do that. She wasn't supposed to be smiling tonight…

PlatinumRyo says: And it's spelled "weird", baka.

+StrawBerryNeKo+ says: I'm blocking you now!

PlatinumRyo says: Don't bother. I'm going to bed.

+StrawBerryNeKo+ says: Oh. well…goodnight.

PlatinumRyo says: Goodnight, Ichigo.

He logged off and leaned back, silent inside the dark room. The sun had already set below his window and the only light came from the flickering synthetic glow of the computer screen. She'd seemed lively enough tonight, but behind the safe mask of the computer screen, was she crying right now? There was no way he could know.

He picked up the cup of cocoa on the desk that had by now become lukewarm. With something of an annoyed frown he glanced down, noticing the ripples that moved on the liquid's brown surface from his trembling hand. Maybe this time it would just go away. He forced his mind to drift inevitably back to that girl. There was always some kind of drama or another, although this time's seemed more serious. And now that he was seemingly out of the picture, Shirogane was not going to allow the irrational side of his mind to bring up any hope that she…

He needed to focus on the Project. Yes, the Project – that was all that mattered. There were too many other issues to be concerned about right now – the aliens, the issue of the Blue Knight, the problems with the red data DNA. Every piece of data that stared back at him seemed to mock him, telling him he had failed. Where had everything gone wrong? He'd been so confident. The DNA should have been perfect. It should have. Dad… I think I've failed. The girl's injections would only be a temporary solution. He'd taken every responsibility for putting them in danger, and now they really were. Especially Ichigo.

Ichigo.

Why did everything always lead back to Ichigo? Ichigo, who was probably still crying right now…

Shaking his head in a vain attempt to clear his thoughts, he set the cocoa mug back on the desk. He'd told her that he was going to bed, but that had been a lie. He still had work to do.

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

"Um… excuse me!" The brunette girl waved desperately. She'd been trying for the last five minutes to flag down a waitress. Finally she succeeded, as the purple one turned and glared at her coolly.

"Yes?"

"Er… can I get an extra fork? I accidentally dropped this one on the floor."

"You already have a spoon," the waitress replied evenly, her blue eyes seeming to level a deadly challenge at anyone who would dare question the cleanliness of her floor.

"But… I wanted a fork. Oh…" the customer finally caved under the waitress's gaze. The girl laughed nervously. "T-that's okay. Never mind. Sorry to bother you…"

As the waitress walked away without another word, the customer breathed a silent sigh of relief. "Wow… such scary customer service."

"But don't you think she almost looks like Zakuro Fujiwara?" her friend whispered in low tones.

"The model? No way… why would Zakuro Fujiwara need a part-time job as a waitress?"

"True, true…"

Zakuro entered the kitchen with an inward sigh. Inside, she found a nervous Retasu pleading desperately.

"Purin-san… Purin-san, please come down!" The blonde monkey-girl was dancing on the countertops, apparently having invented a new, more "efficient" way to wash dishes. And Zakuro really didn't want to know what that method was. She glanced toward the dining room, where Akasaka was smiling as he chatted with a group of swooning highschoolers. "Isn't Ichigo supposed to come in today?" she queried.

"Who knows?" Minto shrugged. "She said she was, but maybe she dropped her strawberry-sized brain on the way here and forgot about it." The comment earned her an icy glare from Zakuro, and Minto immediately changed her tone, squirming under her 'oneesama's' scolding gaze. "Or… maybe she's just late. As always."

"I am not late!" a familiar voice called from the doorway. She jabbed a finger at the clock over the stove. "It is exactly… okay, it's exactly 8:04, but four minutes doesn't count because it took me longer than usual to change! So there!"

"Someone's back to their normal self…" Minto murmured softly.

"Ichigo-oneechaaaaan!"

"Purin-san, no don't…!"

Masha bounced into the chaos, beeping urgently. "Everyone, trouble! Ryou, trouble!"

"What? Ryou says there's trouble?" Minto asked.

Masha had already whizzed away toward the back rooms. "What is he talking about?" Retasu wondered, following the floating robot with the other girls not far behind. A high pitched shriek soon made all four break into a run. "Call Akasaka-san! Hurry!" the green-haired girl shrilled.

Ichigo tried to push past the other girls to see what was going on. Her heart was pounding strangely, though she really didn't understand why. Squeezing past Zakuro, she caught a glimpse of a hand lying on the floor of the storeroom. Then, attached to it, an arm, and a then blond head.

"Ryou!" Akasaka pushed past the girls immediately, kneeling at the other boy's side. His fingers went first to Ryou's pulse, and after finding one, moved to the unconscious blond's pants pocket, pulling out a small syringe. He unfastened his red collar and quickly injected the needle into Ryou's neck. Ichigo noticed for the first time, that he bore a mark just like the rest of them did, but it seemed unimportant at the moment.

"Is he going to be alright?" Retasu asked fearfully.

Akasaka's hand moved over the boy's forehead, and worry clouded his face. "He's burning up…" When he next spoke, his voice was level but urgent. "Retasu-san, I need you to find the medical kit that's in the basement under the first computer. Minto-san, Purin-san, please prepare some ice packs." The girls went off to obey without question.

"Akasaka…san?" Ichigo found herself unable to move, fear paralyzing her bones.

Akasaka gathered the other boy in his arms, and stood with only a little difficulty. Ichigo could do nothing but stare in shock as the older man carried him from the room.

It was several minutes later that Akasaka closed the door of Ryou's bedroom behind him as he exited. Five pairs of worried eyes gazed on him, waiting for a diagnosis. He sighed. "Ryou collapsed from a very high fever. I believe he's been overworking himself lately. That would be fine, but… I believe the attacks he has been having lately from the Red Data Animal DNA have affected his immune system, lessening his ability to fight the fever."

"But… he'll be alright?" Ichigo questioned softly.

"All we can do right now is wait, and hope that he is strong enough to fight it."

Ichigo closed her eyes and silently prayed. Don't do this to me. No more tears, please.

I don't want any more tears.

-

I'm with you / Whatever you say, I'm with you / I hurt you and you hurt me / This is just how we are / Tried to stop this and let you go / But there's something about you / Want you to touch me and hold me back / Too scared to ask you / "Are you sure you're with the one you love?" / You will never know, never know 'til the pain…

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Notes: BOOO to FFnet and their evil formatting. If you want to see the chat scene as it's supposed to be, smileys and all, go here: makenaiDOTorg/parfait/abi-inthislife5DOThtml