NOT Sailor Moon!2 – By DS Wynne
Disclaimer: "Sailor Moon" and "Aqua Teen Hunger Force" belong to their respective owner.
Note: This is a semi-fusion story.
South Okayama, Japan. Just outside the "lair" of Washu, the greatest scientific genius in the known universe, a gigantic hand reaches down from the sky, and takes away the Masaki household. "Run, fat boy!" Washu yelled, as she and Tenchi Masaki make their escape. "Run!"
"WASHU!" yelled the other occupants of the household, who were chasing after Washu and Tenchi.
Begin opening credits of the Sailor Moon series, using hip-hop music as part of the theme music.
Next door neighbor Melvin is sleeping after, ahem, "self-happiness exercises" using hentai comics.
Melvin: ZZZZZZzzzzzz…
BOOM!
A cyborg with cat years smashes through a wall.
Naku-Naku: Nerd! Arise!
Melvin: Wha-what?!
N-N: Now, you will listen to Nuku-Nuku, for Nuku-Nuku is cybernetic ghost of Christmas Past. Nuku-Nuku will show you what Christmas was really like.
Melvin: O...okay.
N-N: Behold, Melvin's childhood on Christmas Day…
A fog descends over the scene, revealing a chibi Melvin and his father.
Father who looks strangely like Genma Saotome, of "Ranma ½" fame: Okay, open your present.
Chibi-Melvin while opening a present: Oh boy, I hope that this is a new mommy.
Father: It's not you little creep. Hurry up and open your gift. We got to be at work in an hour.
Chibi-Melvin: Gee, it's a magic carpet! I'm Alladin in carpet land!
Father: No it's not, it's dinner.
Chibi-Melvin: Dinner? Daddy, you can't eat carpet!"
Father: Of course you can't…you got to boil it first- whoa! Look at the time! It's time to go-
Chibi-Melvin: But Daddy, it's Christmas!
Father: You're not getting out of work! I had to bust my tail getting them to hire an eight year old!
Chibi-Melvin: But please Daddy-!
A giant robot starts stomping on the place.
Chibi-Melvin: Oh god!
STOMP! STOMP! SMACK!
N-N: Melvin remember day, yes?
Melvin: Yeah, I do, especially the eating carpet bit, though I don't remember the giant robot.
N-N: Melvin no remember because future has not happened yet War wage in past but has not occurred in future. What Melvin experience was prophecy. Now, war in future has occurred so the reign of the machine is now.
Melvin: Hang on for a second. You're the ghost of Christmas past, right?
N-N: Yes.
Melvin: You DO know that it is February, right?
N-N: Well, Nuku-Nuku is cyborg.
Melvin: Obviously. Are you stupid?
N-N: Well, Nuku-Nuku will see you in December then…tomorrow.
Melvin: Okay, then, just lock the door on your way-
Nuku-Nuku smashes through a wall.
Melvin: -out.
Nuku-Nuku: What was that?"
Melvin: Nevermind!
Melvin goes out an inspects the damage done to his house.
Melvin: Great, just great.
Rei crosses the yard.
Rei: Hey, Melvin.
Melvin: What? What is it? Is that thing on my roof or something?
Rei: I wouldn't bother you, but I have to show you something. And it's nothing, really.
Melvin: Yeah?
In the backyard, Melvin's swimming pool is filled with blood.
Melvin: This IS something!
Rei: I had sensed an eeevil presence, and tracked down its source. That's blood, my friend.
Melvin: It's like someone pulped a herd of cows here!
Ami who is taking samples, while conducting an investigation: That's not cow blood. It's…ELF BLOOD!
Melvin: Who could have done this?
N-N: Nuku-Nuku don't know…Wait! Maybe Nuku-Nuku did it!
Ami: But why all this? What's the point?
N-N: Nuku-Nuku's story take long time, so you better get snacks.
Ami: No, you can go on ahead.
Rei: Well, I'm getting some food.
Nuku-Nuku Fog rolls in, just as cyborg begins her story: Thousands of years ago, before the dawn of man, a great red ape named "Sir Santa of Claus" invented toys made up crude materials and animal waste. He would then throw it at enemies with crinkle hands, regardless of how they would behave. Enemies would, in turn, bury toys as "witches" and defecated on, or used as weapons against predator. It was not a holly jolly Christmas, for many were killed.
Ami: Well, that doesn't explain-
N-N: Nuku-Nuku not finish! Should have gotten snack! A war-like race of elves from the red planet came to Earth, and was quickly enslaved by the Great Red Ape. The elves would build better toys for their master, based upon galactic elfin technology, but these toys would still be thrown, buried or defecated on…because they were SO stupid. And still Christmas SUCKED in a big way.
Minako (who is Ami and Rei's new roommate, after Usagi moves into her boyfriend's apartment): Boy, this is a long story. I better get something to eat afterall.
Melvin: Yeah, I better get some beer to get drunk or something.
Ami: So…about this blood…?
N-N: Let's just wait for them.
Silence.
N-N: You live in neighborhood long?
Ami: Well, we just moved here a few months ago next to Melvin-
Melvin: We're back!
N-N: Thousands of years ago, the Ice Age made navigation impossible. How could Santa build his workshop where the North Pole was? Compasses were not invented yet! So he arbitrarily built his workshop, right where Melvin's house is now built, long before they unionized. And Christmas was celebrated during the full moon on the longest night of the year-
Ami: Wait. Who unionized?
N-N: Who wants to know? Probably your momma!
Minako: It makes me sad that all this time, Santa was an ape that built toys out of doo-doo! What kind of Christmas is THAT?!
Ami: It's okay, Mina-chan…this is all a bunch of bull.
N-N: You no believe Nuku-Nuku?
Ami: That you're a ghost, Santa was an ape who made toys out of s?! That's insane!
N-N: Now Santa is machine.
Minako: I left cookies and milk…for a MACHINE?!
N-N: No, he's an ape. Wait! He's a machine! You try to trick Nuku-Nuku!
Ami: But if Santa was an ape, then he was undeveloped. Therefore he couldn't make machines.
N-N: But the elves came from the Red Planet, and there was much defecation.
Ami: Yes, you said THAT. How long ago did this story take place?
N-N Fog begins to roll in: Thousands of years ago-
Ami: No, shut up! You still haven't explain the elf blood in Melvin's pool.
N-N: It was because of the Great Circuiting.
Ami: WHAT "Great Circuiting"?
N-N: Nuku-Nuku no tell you?
Ami: NO!
N-N: Thousands of years ago…
Hours later…
N-N: And that where babies come…from machines!
Minako: All this time I thought making love is how babies are born.
N-N: Wrong! Foolish human with the notion of bodily fluid exchange!
The Cybernetic Ghost of Christmas past notices a sleeping Ami.
N-N: Nuku-Nuku talking!
Ami Yawning: What did I miss?
Minako: Well, you should have been paying attention. The elves tried to unionize, 'cuz Santa was using their machines, which caused a war between the elves and the machines. The machines won. This place here is an elfin playground-
N-N: Graveyard!
Minako: Graveyard. And that's why the pool is filled with blood, because this machine is haunting it. Melvin living here woke this ghost up.
Rei who is having a picnic: Hey, Melvin! Wake up!
Melvin: Wha-what?
Rei: You missed everything.
Melvin: What did I miss?
Rei: As suspected, you are on haunted land, and it's upsetting the elfin dead.
Melvin: Okay, so what's next?
N-N: Melvin, you must pay homage to the Great Red Ape to end the blood letting.
Melvin: Okay, how?
N-N: Sexually.
Melvin: Swell.
The next day, there's a "For Sale" sign. Melvin is showing the Princess Vampire Miyu and her companion Larva around the house.
Melvin: And this place has a good location, if you want to attend school here. And here is the living room-
N-N: Greetings!
Melvin: With this freakin' cyborg. And out here in the backyard is a pool of blood.
Miyu: Is the blood fresh?
Melvin: Let me talk to my blood babe here. Well?
Nuku-Nuku: Always.
Miyu: How much do you want for the house?
Melvin: Well…A million dollars?
Miyu: Excellent. I'll have Larva draft a check for you.
Melvin: You're serious? Thank you god!
Some time later…
Ami Notices the sprinklers shooting out blood on the lawn and house: Does she HAVE to run those sprinklers everyday?
Rei: Well, it's certainly making our house look very good. Wait! Here she comes. I'll handle things from here.
Opens the door.
Rei: Hey, Miyu! What brings you by?
Miyu: I am getting low on the blood front, and I can't find the ghost that came with the house. Have you seen her?
Rei: No, I haven't…but I can show you our SPOOOKY kitchen.
Minako dressed as a ghost: Beware of the food monster! Here name is Usagi, and she is a ravenous fiend!
Miyu looks at the "ghost" before turning an eye back to Rei.
Rei: So, what do you think of Juuban? I'm sure that you'll find plenty of work-
Miyu: Listen to me as hard as you can. That cyborg ghost came with the house, and now it is gone. IF YOU SEE THAT-
Rei: Sure, sure. I'll let you know.
Miyu: Good. Because if I find out that MY ghost is over here, I will send you to oblivion. Understood?
Rei: Yeah, sure.
After Miyu leaves…
Minako: It's okay. You can some out now! She's gone.
N-N: I can't live with that girl! Miyu is SO annoying, SO frightening and SO demanding!
Rei: You make our house flow with blood!
Fin.
Author's note: Just want to wish you all a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year (this story is my gift from me to you). Later!