Regret

Disclaimer: I don't own James Potter, Harry Potter, Lily Potter, Remus Lupin, Sirius Black, Peter Pettigrew, Albus Dumbledore, Hogwarts, or an-ee-thing. If there's a Jake Hall out there, I don't own you either.

I never thought this would happen. It happens to us all someday, I know that. But it was never something I wanted to accept.

It was never something I truly believed could happen. Not so soon, not when everything had been so perfect before.

I look down upon all this. I see people I've hardly known, people I've known well and people I never wanted to know.

I can't bear to look at Lily as she's beside me. I don't think she's trying to hide it anymore, and I can't bear to see her cry. But then I turn, and I have to. I have to comfort her somehow, but all I can do is embrace her, but this embrace is shallow. These emotions are so lessened by death.

I cannot imagine how carefree I used to be, I cannot imagine Harry smiling up at me.

So I all I can see is this funeral, the people milling around. But there's only one person I focus on – Moony.

He sits neither in the back nor the front. I can tell that he only speaks politely to most who interact, nothing more. His only words that seem slightly sincere are to Dumbledore. But I can tell by his face that he's trying hard not to cry.

Moony. If only he knew this wasn't what it was meant to be. With Padfoot nor Wormtail. I don't even know if I'm angry at Peter. I don't know if it matters anymore.

I see Jake Hall, coming up to "talk" to us. I remember him, a scrawny second year on the Quidditch team at my last year of Hogwarts. Why didn't they just tell us these things while we were alive?

I don't listen to a single word these people bother to say. My eyes skim over to Petunia. She sits silently, clutching her purse tightly as if she expects someone to steal it. What a hag she was, and still is.

I look to Lily again. I wonder if she's listening to their small memories of us. Her eyes are closed, and I ache to see the dazzling color that once was held within them.

Are you listening, Lily? Do you understand these words?

There are so many things I want to tell you, Lily. I want to tell I love you. I want to tell you how beautiful and smart and everything you are. But none of it would be enough.

I should have protected you, Lily. I should have protected Harry. Not died. I shouldn't have failed in my attempts. I should have treated you better. I should have treated all of you better.