Diary of Draco Malfoy

Oh Merlin what was I thinking! I saw it all…Harry and that Weasle's sister! How could he do that with her? And why, when I walked in on them conceled by my invisibility cloak, didn't I reveal my self and stop them or a least why did I not turn away and walk out in disgust? Why did I just stand there, watching? And worst of all…why… when I saw Harry's face filled with pleasure, lids half closed and moaning softly did I feel an intense rush of anger, of…jealousy? And then as he clung to the girl atop him and his face expressed the excasty of his climax my body reacted with it's own desire. Even now as I write this I am still painfully erect and am unable to get the vision of his face from my mind. And all I keep thinking is how I wanted to be the one to make him react like that, and how I want him…! But why?
He's Harry bloody Potter! He's been my enemy for 11 years? Yes I have been seeing a different side of him and getting closer to him, but…but why this? He's a guy? Can Guys even like guys? This is totally insane. I keep telling myself that I was only turned on by the situation of seeing them like that, but I'm no stranger to sex, why would seeing two people doing it affect me so? I have to get out of here…I need a very cold shower.

(later)

I never got that shower. Right as I started taking my clothes off someone knocked at my door, I went to open it, not caring or expecting anyone and was startled when Pansy flew into my room and pushed past me and then turned her angry face to mine.

"I want to know right now, why have you been avoiding me? And what is going on with you and Potter!" she said loudly. I raised an eyebrow at her.
"I'm not avoid you, we broke up. I don't have to talk to you anymore, didn't you read the papers?" I asked, "Now get out." I said motioning to the door which I was still holding open.
"And what about you and Potter, don't think I haven't noticed the way you stare at him the way you're eyes move all over him." She said with a sneer pretending to be looking at her hair in the mirror beside my bed. I realized for the first time how low cut her shirt was and I felt my body reacting to the sight and the reminder of what had occurred earlier.
I closed the door.
"Nothing is going on…My father told me to watch him…end of story…can you leave now…" my voice cracked a bit and I moved to the other side of the room where my private bathroom is.
"Fine…" she said standing but then instead of leaving she walked up behind me and wrapped her arms around my waist crushing her chest against my back.
"What are you doing?" I asked in an angry cold voice. Her hands slid down my front and found my erection, which to this point I had been able to hide thanks to my robes. "Oohh…Draco…is this for me…" she asked rubbing her hands over me and causing a soft moan to escape my lips.

Outraged I pulled away and pushed her hard away from me she fell into the side of my king sized bed and laughed loudly.
"Come on , Dragon…" she said in a coy seductive voice, as she stood "just because we aren't getting married doesn't mean we can't have a little fun…you know you wont do it with anyone else...their blood isn't clean enough for you!"
I glared at her, but my anger only fed my frustrated lust and I grabbed both her wrist and held them behind her, pulling her hard to me and crushing her from against my chest. "You are the filthiest pure blood I know…." I said in a cruel tone and for an instant hurt flashed in her eyes before I claimed her mouth with my own in a rough deep kiss. She bit my lower lip, angering me and a rage filled me and mixed with my already extreme emotions. This wasn't love, this wasn't even friendship…this was hate…evil in it's darkest most sinful form…lust.

It seemed like moments later that I had her naked and bent over the side of my bed and I was driving into her roughly. Her screams of pleasure, or pain didn't matter to me, I didn't care about her, just the feeling and that I was having sex with a girl…that meant I couldn't be attracted to Harry…right? I didn't want to think about her or her face. As I gripped her hips and thrust harder and harder I kept my eyes closed. As I neared my climax his face…his lovely eyes closed in pleasure his mouth opened slightly with a cry of pleasure…his face was all I could see. I nearly choked but the orgasm burst forth regardless and I groaned deeply.

Pansy is still here asleep in my bed, I hope she doesn't think this means were're back together because it doesn't, it doesn't mean anything. I find the entire thing disgusting, horrifying and confusing. Why am I still thinking about Harry? Why did it turn me on to see him tonight? And why was it is face and not a girls or even the girl I was having sex with that was in my head tonight? Am I attracted to him? Do I like him? All I know for sure is that this could be dangerous…for me and for him.

Diary of Harry Potter

Tomorrow is the start of Christmas break, it seems to have come so quickly. The year is almost half over. I am one of the few students staying over this year as is usual, most of the D.A is going home and I wont even have that to keep my mind occupied. The past two weeks have been slightly uneventful. I do the same thing almost everyday beside when I have D.A meetings In the Room of Requirement. Our ranks are growing, and Neville, Luna and Ginny have been teaching on their own as well. Almost all of the upperclass Gryffindors and Hufflepuffs have joined and over half the Ravenclaws. Ron and Hermione do show up but I have yet to speak to either of them other than a word or two. Hermione has tried to talk to me and three times I have blown her off, I just can't look at her in the eyes anymore, Ron either. I just know things will never be the same, and now I don't even know how much of what either of them says or does is because they want to or if it is because of Dumbledore. I just can't trust them anymore.

I have met with the members of the Order of the Pheonix once now, on my request they met me last week and I told them exactly what I told Dumbledore and the D.A . "I am doing this on my own now, with out Dumbledores help and with out taking orders from him. You can either decide to follow his orders or stand beside me at your own free will, and though we are both fighting the same cause I will not mix my plans with his."

Lupin was the only one to really support me but they all said that they are going to help me in anyway they can. Lupin spoke for all of them and said that none of them new about the letter from Dumbeldore to Ron and Hermione, I don't know weather or not to believe him but I am trying.

The D.A is having their last meeting tonight after dinner. The original group has mastered a lot in a very short amount of time Luna and Ginny even moving into a few N.E.W.T level spells with easily ability. Tonight will be sort of a review of everything that we have done, oops time to go. I'll write more afterwards.

(later)

The meeting went fine, everyone said their goodbyes for the break and it was actually a lot of fun, I think I laughed for the first time in months when Ginny accidently hit Neville with a dancing charm and he when swinging around the room with her. By the time everyone had left it was past cerfew, the crefew I no longer follow. I was finishing cleaning up when I felt someone behind me. I turned quickly, drawing my wand on my supposed attacker.

"How did you get in here?" I asked surprised.
"Someone left the door open." Draco Malfoy said not looking at me but at around the room as though he had never seen anything like it before.

"What do you want?" I asked glaring at him. Though he had been the one to bring me back to Hogwarts he had returned to the same hating annoying malfoy once I had returned.
He looked at me his eyes meeting mine and I felt his aura shifting just as the silver in his eyes swirled reminding me of the deep sadness I had seen when I had nearly killed him and I felt my anger lighten a bit.

"I came to tell you good-bye." He finally said, giving me a strange expression which I couldn't explain.

"After all the hell you have been putting me through for the past three weeks now you want to say good bye for the holidays? I don't get it Malfoy, what are you playing at?" I asked finally lowering the wand that I had forgotten I was pointing at him. In truth the snide comments and rude remarks hadn't been near as bad as in the past few years but it had gotten rather annoying.

"Oh come on…" he said wondering around the room and I wondered why he was trying not to look at me, "What you think you and I could have just gone and been best friends. I thought you were smarter than that. What happens if one of my Slytherin friends goes and tells their 'daddy' that I am all buddy buddy with you what do you think my father would do to me? " he asked and I blinked in surprise.

"I'm sorry… I hadn't thought about that." I said after a moment, it did make sense.

He took a deep breath and turned to face me, " I wanted to come and talk to you earlier… but you are always with someone else…" he said with what appeared to be a slight grimace that he was fighting. He was right ever since the D.A had gotten back together I didn't go out of Gryffindor tower with out a few people around me. Someone always insisted on walking me wherever I was going, not for protection really but just to talk or keep me company which I appreciated greatly.

"Oh…"I replied softly watching him closely. Why was he here, again? Why does he always seem to be somewhere near me? Ever since my first year he has been one of the few constant things in my life. My eyes met his silver ones again and I felt a strange chill slip down my spine and cause my hair to stand on end. For some reason my breaths sounded loud to my ears and my arms too big at my sides. I nervous spike hit my stomach and I swallowed.

"What are you doing here…really?" I asked in a soft whisper finding my voice to be harsh and I hated it for a moment. Malfoy took a step closer to me, too close for me but I couldn't make my self pull away. I had never noticed how soft and perfect his skin looks, or how every hair on his head lays straight, or that he moves with such a perfect grace. Standing in that moment before him I felt crude like a rock standing next to a diamond.

"Harry…" he whispered my name…he didn't call me 'Potter' , never had I ever thought my name sounded so sweet than when they came from his lips and I blinked at that revelation. He looked down his cheeks seemed to flush a bit. "I came to tell you good-bye…because there is a chance I might not be coming back." He finally said not looking back up at me.

I shook my head a bit, 'No!' my mind thought and it reeled at the strength of my own denile. Why didn't I want him to go? Why did I care if he never came back? Why did I not want him to go? What was the feeling when he looked into my eyes, what was the emotion In his eyes?

"Why?" I asked in a soft whisper.

"You know why."

I did. It was because of me, because he helped me come back. Was he trying to help me still? Did he want to become a death eater? Just whos side was he on? I know I couldn't ask him, because he wouldn't be able to tell me. If he said the words it was easier for someone to use occulmancy to read it from him.

"Don't go." Was the only thing I could say and without thinking I took a step to him, he was now only a foot from me. He still wasn't looking at me just at the floor but he shook his head slowly.

"I can't…my father…" he just shook his head unable to explain any further than that.

I sighed deeply feeling my fist clinch at my side, my anger confused me further, why did I want to protect Malfoy? Why did I care so much about someone who is suppose to be my enemy. Maybe it was because I knew that if he did get killed or hurt it would be because of me. And here for the past few weeks I had thought he had gone back to the way he was just hating me.

"I'm sorry." I said softly and I heard a small gasp come from him and I looked up into his face just to see a single tear slide down his cheek. So surprised I was by this that I tilited my head an inch and stared at the drop in wonder. A light hardly audible strangled, heart wrenching sob came from his parted lips just as he leaned forward and closing the space between us pressed his lips to mine!

His lips were like ice and sent the strangest heated chill rushing through me from the contact. Never had i felt anything quite so cold or so soft. It was only for a moment but I closed my eyes and I felt his aura pulsing , melding with mine only for an instant, before he pulled away leaving me breathless. I reopened my eyes to see his eyes wide in surprise and fear. "Good bye…Harry…" he whispered before turning and leaving the room as fast as he could and I dumbly stood there and let him go.

What is happening to me? I just kissed Malfoy! And not only that I ..I liked it…it was enthralling…shocking and thrilling. But how can this be? He's a ..a boy! Merlin help me? What on earth is going on? I know I need to talk to him but I couldn't find him …I need to keep him from leaving. They wont let me in the Slytherin Common room maybe there is a chance I can catch him before the train leaves in the morning. I don't even know what I am going to say to him but some how I have to keep him here. I need to find out what on earth is going on with me. Why can't I stop thinking about him now? It's very late now, I just hope I can get to him in the morning if I don't what will his father do to him if he finds out the truth about my returning to Hogwarts. What if he finds out about the kiss?

(next morning)

I couldn't find him, now he is gone. Now I can only hope that he is better at his Occulmancy skills than he lets on. There are so many things I have to ask him, and there is this feeling of dread and extreme fear about his not returning. Why do I feel as though I am slowly suffocating and that I wont breath deeply again until I know he Is safe? It's going to be a very long Christmas.