Disclaimer- See CH 4.
A/N- This chapter is the one from demonspawn666, and she's been working on it a while, which is why it's up so fast. CH 15 is going to start being written, but don't hold your breaths… Please. (Yes, that does mean you sorata-chan!)
Ch 15- Revelation
I looked at the books on the shelf. Nope. They weren't what I was looking for. Crap. We were in some old bookstore now, searching about the shades, the innocent people who had died in the burning classroom. It is still beyond me how anyone could just kill people so easily as Shiro did. Was he some kind of monster? That just wasn't normal behavior.
I sighed and switched my gaze from the old books in favor of watching Sesshoumaru. He was searching the books further down the aisle. He was helping me. He was still right by my side. I still can't believe how much he seems to like me, how close we have become. I love him so much, but I still can't believe he'll always be with me. I have this doubt that he will leave me as soon as things get too hard. I know he wouldn't…but I can't stop thinking that it's a possibility.
But he seems so calm, so in-control. I can feel his indifference becoming part of me. Lately, when people would give me odd looks, I no longer seemed to mind. All I care about is him. All I needed is him. And he seems to like me just the way I am. I am in a state of nirvana when I am around him. If it weren't for the shades…everything would be decently perfect.
As I stared at him, I couldn't help but feel slightly envious. His face was so beautiful, so flawless. And his hair! Could it really be natural? I find that hard to believe sometimes…it just seemed to angelic, so unworldly. It's perpetual glow, even at night was just so…mystifying.
"You should stop staring, it's rude." I jumped slightly at the sound of his monotonous voice. I shook my head to get out of my daze and pulled out a random book, maybe he would think I had actually been searching for something the whole time. "You know," He began. "Sometimes I really have to wonder where your priorities are." He said, almost talking to himself. "Is staring at me for a few minutes more important to you then your own life?" He was still staring at the over stocked shelf; the store really needed more storage space.
I could feel my head drop slightly. Did he have to be so…so cold? I love him…but he always seems to remind me of the shades. Was it because he looked a lot like Inuyasha? I mean, sometimes I see the older man's face in his. These things cause me nothing but misery sometimes, but lately that's all he seemed to care about. But I smiled and looked up. I know he was only looking out for me, in his own special way. I was going to respect that, besides, I thought it was kind of cute. It was nice to know that someone actually cared.
He must have seen my moment of depression, even though it was so short. "Don't worry, I'll protect you. I mean, the reason we are doing this IS to eventually get rid of those awful things. We can't do anything until we learn more about the situation." There he was. That's what I love about him. He always knew what to tell me. It was strange though; he always seemed to know what I'm thinking. But lovers seem to know that right? I blushed at that thought. 'Lovers', but we are now, aren't we? "I don't really like doing all this research either," he began. "But it's the only way we can get you out of this hell you are in."
Hell? I was in no hell. Not while he was there beside me. A smile played across my lips. "Thank you so much," I said silently, though I knew he would be able to hear it. "I love you so much."
I returned my gaze back to the book in my hand, slightly curious about what I'd been holding. "Ooo! Come look at this, it looks like it'll be good!" I couldn't help but be excited, I mean, all these books appeared dusty and important to someone, but the title looked familiar. It could be useful. I think I'd seen it before when I searched on the Internet.
"Libri of Animus?" He questioned as he took the dusty book out of my hands. "Hmm..." He seemed to weigh the book in his hands. He wiped the thick layer of dust off of the crimson cover, as if he were searching for more gold lettering.
"Is something wrong? Why don't you just open it?" I asked. I couldn't help but feel a bit of suspense, he was fooling with it for a long time now. "Sesshoumaru?" I asked. He seemed to be ignoring me, he was in some kind of trance. And if I recall correctly, being in a trance while in the middle of a conversation isn't exactly a good thing, is it? I shook his shoulder lightly. "Are you alright?"
"Oh, yea," he said quickly, he seemed to be coming back to life. "Nothing's wrong, it's just..."
"Just what?" I repeated him. He was acting kind of strange now.
"Well, nothing really," he turned the front cover, exposing a yellow page. "It's just that...the shades...they killed Shiro right?" I nodded, not sure what he was getting at. "Why are we helping them?" he asked, out of the blue.
"What do you mean? They killed Shiro because he killed those innocent children! He killed them!" Was he missing something...? I thought the situation was perfectly clear.
"Yeah, but, how do we know that?"
"How do we know that?" I repeated him again. "Because I saw him do it!" I said a little loudly. "What? Don't tell me you don't believe me! Sesshoumaru, I'm not hallucinating! Shiro killed those kids, the shades, and they were getting back at him!"
"Look Kagome, I'm not denying that you saw Shiro killing those kids, that's not it!" Not it? Yes it is! He doesn't believe me! Oh God, my bloods boiling now!
"So what is IT?" I stood akimbo, but after I said that, something ran through his eyes. Hurt? Was I hurting him? Yes I was...I wasn't listening to him. I looked down guiltily. "I'm sorry, I wasn't hearing you through. What were you saying?"
"It's okay," He took a deep breath and looked to the side. "I believe that Shiro killed them, I mean, he admitted it. But!" he stuck his finger out, "Even if he didn't admit it, I would have believed you anyway," he corrected himself. "I'm not denying that. It's just...was it just for the shades to kill Shiro? Was it really their decision to kill someone, or God's? Maybe if we help them, maybe we'll only make things worse for us." What was he saying? That didn't make any sense.
"Of course it was just!" I heard myself yell. "Besides, if they hadn't killed him, you would've!"
"Maybe they were saving me from myself." He quickly added. I shook my head.
"It doesn't matter, God or not, we have to save them." And then I thought about it. Was I being selfish? I mean...the shades, for all I really knew, could be damned spirits. Was I making everyone suffer so I could be happy? I sighed and turned to look at the book in his hands. "So we're looking for something on exorcism right?" I asked casually.
He gave me a quizzical glance and then continued to skim the Table of Contents. He smiled as he found what he was looking for and began turning the pages.
"What are you looking up, exactly?" I couldn't help but feel curious. Sesshoumaru was always a secretive person, I knew that much from seeing him in school, but I wish he'd change when he was around me. That's why I sometimes feel we aren't as close as I'd like to think. I've told him so many personal things, he can't even tell me what he's looking up...but some things just don't change, I guess.
"Exorcism, for demons and ghouls" He answered, surprising me. I thought he was going to ignore my question this time, but he didn't. He was actually listening to me...so why did I doubt him? I always seem to do that with him. Why am I so insecure about us? I shook my head. I kept thinking such ridiculous things; I doubted our relationship, but look how far we had gotten! Our time together would've actually been fun if it weren't for my attitude. Here he was, still by my side, even after all we've been through. He loves me. Why is this so hard for me to accept? Why am I being like this? Why do I always beat myself up over such stupid things?
"Found something," he said lowly. I jerked my head up to see what he was reading. He put his finger on the page and scrolled it down as he read.
"What's it say?" I asked nosily. He was taking too long.
"Um, I think this is it," he said as his face twisted. "It says: …one way to destroy souls, although an extreme one." He paused for a moment. " A pure soul, if wiling, must sacrifice itself to the evil, and the evil, unable to withstand such good, will burst, and cease to exist. Early priests used such measures in possessions, but the Church forbade it when…", and he stopped.
"What? What happened?" C'mon, you can't leave a person with a cliffhanger like that.
"Nothing. It doesn't matter, we're not doing that." He said quickly, he then roughly slammed the book shut and shoved it into the shelf. I gave him a questioning look. "Look Kagome, it doesn't matter," he tried to assure me, it didn't work so well.
Well, I'm no genius, but I heard sacrifice. And that means death. I am not sure what it was that made Sesshoumaru stop reading, but it was obviously something about death. That's why Sesshoumaru's upset isn't it? That I will die? I guess that's understandable though. But getting rid of demons won't be an easy task; I already knew that. But am I ready for death?
"No." He said coldly. "This is our first date, order something worthy of the occasion," Sesshoumaru demanded. He was so cute when he ordered me around; it was fun.
"But," I looked back at the menu. "What's wrong with ordering a salad?"
He sighed. "Look Kagome, I know this isn't the most normal first date ever, but you at least have to try. Order something expensive, steak, lobster," he began listing things off the top of his head. " I don't know, but make it special, something you'll remember." He was almost begging me. I nodded and looked back at the menu. If he wanted me to spend all of his money...that could be arranged.
It was times like these when Sesshoumaru confused me the most. When he was calm and emotionless, I got this feeling like he just didn't care about anything. That wasn't normal, but it was easy to understand. Though who am I to decide what's normal? But I was just so confused how such a calm, collected person could suddenly become so caring and expressive. But it was sweet that he was concerned. No one has ever treated me like he does.
That was great and all, but that only made my decision harder. Here we were, in a fancy restaurant, and I couldn't get my mind off of the bookstore we had gone to several days earlier.
Sesshoumaru didn't know it, but I went back. I know it wasn't nice of me to go behind his back, but there are just some things that I need to know.
And I read that passage again. And I read all the surrounding words, but there was only one option. Death was the only option, the only thing I hadn't tried, the only thing that I couldn't possibly get wrong.
And it was then that I looked across the table and had to be honest to myself. I loved Sesshoumaru with everything I had, with every fiber of my being. And if he hadn't come into my life, I may have already been dead. He was my deus ex machina; he was my escape from death. And because of him, I just can't die. Because of him, it's not that easy.
Life had been a living hell for me, but ever since I met him, every passed day has been like heaven, maybe even better. I just can't let myself go. I die now, what will happen to him? I know that as much as I need him, he needs me. As of now, I'm the only person that hasn't been lying to him all along.
I can't let him down, not after all the help he's given me. I will not let his efforts go to waist. He's put up so much energy into keeping me alive, I won't just go out and get myself killed now. Yes, earlier on in life I would have, but not anymore. Not now. There's too much for me to live for.
But I have to save the shades. My whole life has been hell, but then again, so has their death. If I don't save them, who can? Everyone thinks I'm crazy, doesn't that make me alone? So no one else can do anything to save them. But I'm just not ready for death!
Death used to be such a simple concept to me. Anything was better than life. But now I have something to live for. It isn't as simple as letting myself bleed for just a little longer, then it's over.
Because now I know happiness, I know love, and I know hope. And now it scares me that I might actually go to hell after death, because now I know something better. And I can't help but thinking that this is better than heaven could ever get.
But, death will come eventually. I either die now, or I die later. The choice is: when? When I die, I want to be able to help the shades. I'd rather die, knowing that I'd bring divine happiness to the shades rather than coughing up a lung at the hospital. I don't want to die in vain, and I want to make a distance. Let everyone know, even though they treated me like crap, I still forgive them. And by saving the shades, I forgive them as well. They were only children when they died…
Is it fair that I get to live longer? I mean, I have done some horrible things in life as well.
No, it isn't fair. And I will die saving them. But when? I can't just make them wait until I'm dying of old age. I have to do it when I'm still youthful. And why do I get to choose when they get to be happy? They have every right for happiness right now. But that means…
"Kagome," he whispered softly to me from across the table. "You zoned out for a while. What were you thinking?" he asked me innocently.
I smiled weekly. "Oh, nothing. I was just thinking about what I'd wear tomorrow." That I won't be with you forever. That I will die. I looked down, and I could feel a warm tear falling from my eye.
"Kagome!" he said. I could hear the worry in his voice. "What's the matter? Did something happen?" He looked at me with wide eyes. I stared into his, so beautiful, so unknowing. I didn't deserve him. He deserves someone better than me anyway.
"I'm just crying because I'm happy." Because it's been fun while it lasted…but it won't go on for much longer. He wiped away my tear with his thumb and smiled. "…Because we're here together, in such a beautiful place."
"I'm happy too." He agreed as he moved across the table, planting a delicate kiss on my lips. His were so soft. I closed my eyes, enjoying the short, blissful moment. I'm so glad.
We ordered dessert. I kept smiling. I had to make my last days enjoyable.
I'm going to die soon, and I will be leaving you…I'm sorry.
This, ladies and gentlemen, was sad. Very, very sad… Well, everyone say thank you to demonspawn666, and I will start working on CH 15 very, very soon!