A Man's Worth Chapter 9
A/N: I am sorry for the delay. The past few months were quite an adventure and I couldn't always find the time to write some more. I'll try to post the next chapters on a weekly basis or something like that.
If there is still someone reading this, let me know.
On with it.
WARNING: This is not a happy fic. For those of you expecting something joyous, stay away from this story. You've been warned.
DISCLAIMER: You all know this belongs to Joss Whedon and the parties involved in airing this show.
FEEDBACK: As you wish
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Counting on MeHeard in a move once that humans believe that vampires can't cry.
Well, bugger me, because this one certainly can.
What was I expecting to see?
What did I want to see?
Certainly not that.
Anything but that.
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Spike did not run. He did not hide. He did not breathe.
He did not think.
He didn't want to.
The image was burnt into his mind, and every time he closed his eyes he saw the girl kissing the vampire.
Not that he couldn't take such images; He had, after all, seen Drusilla making out with a Chaos demon years ago, and he had gotten over that.
No.
What made him want to throw up was the look in the Slayer's eyes.
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She had fantasized about he moment they met again.
She had hoped that once they saw each other, all that had happened between them would vanish and they'd melt into a sweet embrace and they'd promise to never let go.
To stay together forever and fight the good fight as a team.
To step over their mistakes and find a way to recover what had been lost when they parted ways.
What Cordelia didn't expect, was to have Angel call Buffy, and kiss the slayer in front of her.
Her eyes dropped a single tear, and as quietly as she could, the higher being disappeared from sight.
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Buffy sighed as soon as her lips left Angel's.
She kept her eyes closed, wondering when had she felt so awkward after kissing a man she loved.
But, was it still love? Was the feeling between the vampire and her still the smothering sensation that had consumed her as a teenager?
The answer confused her and she just tried to get along with the contentment she felt while being in Angel's arms.
"Are you ok?" He asked. She nodded and he hugged her closer. "It's been a long time."
Buffy nodded against his chest, but then she pulled away.
"Why did you call me?" She asked.
"What do you mean?" Angel answered, staring deep into her eyes.
"It's been years, Angel. You can't expect me to throw everything away and come running to you."
Angel chuckled and looked away. Buffy noticed the stupidity of her statement, since that was what she had exactly done.
"Don't get me wrong, I know I came running, but what did you expect?"
"I expect nothing from you, Buffy. I just wanted to give you the good news." He said softly, running his hand through her face. She sighed once more, and recalled one of the other things Angel had said when he called.
"Where is Spike?" She asked. Angel frowned and remained silent for a while.
"He was in the hotel, last I checked." He sniffed a bit and closed his eyes. "He's gone, though."
"Gone? You don't keep tabs on where he is?" She asked.
"Do you?"
Buffy looked away, and Angel smiled.
"It's ok if you don't."
"What do you mean?"
"The chip. He can't hurt you."
Buffy still didn't meet his eyes. This time, he noticed.
"Something you're not telling me?" She kept her gaze away, and Angel was forced to take her chin and guide her face to his.
"Buffy?"
"About this chip. He… has been able to hit me since I came back." She almost whispered. Angel's eyes hardened but he made no attempt to move.
"Only you?" He asked. She nodded.
"Very well. Any reason why he's not dust?" He asked. She chuckled a bit, thinking that if she told Angel what she had done, he'd turn to dust himself.
"He helps." She said, "He's tried to be there for us." She met his eyes this time.
"I can count on him."
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He was trying hard not to cry.
Mostly, he was trying to feel something other than the pain and fear running through his system. Thankfully, he didn't need to breath, or else he'd be hyperventilating at the moment.
He'd already thrown up. His mind kept replaying the idea that he was doing this for her, but his heart was aching in a way he never thought possible.
He'd seen the picture. He'd heard the stories. He'd seen it before.
But he didn't love her then. Or at least he tried to pretend not to.
This time, he had seen the love of his life kiss somebody else.
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"So, basically, you trust him." Angel stated. Images of both of them, lying after sex on his crypt's floor, came flooding back to her mind, when the bleached vampire had asked something along the lines of trust.
"I don't know." She answered.
"You're not making sense, Buffy." Angel pushed, trying to understand what was going on. She sighed and began pacing around.
"It's complicated." She said.
"You know it is not." Angel answered, "Either you trust him or you don't. Simple as that. Do you trust him?"
She stopped pacing and looked away.
"Yes." Buffy answered. It was Angel's turn to look away.
"Do you have feelings for him?" He asked. She immediately turned back to see him.
"Why do you ask that?" She asked, almost angrily.
"You tell me. Did you come here to see me or to find him?" He asked.
"That's not fair, Angel. You called me."
"I know I called. I wanted you to know. What I'm asking is if you came here because of what I told you or because Spike was here?" He repeated his earlier statement.
"What if I told you that a bit of both?" She answered.
"Then I'd thank you for being honest."
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It'd been a while since the last time he'd stolen alcohol.
Two nights.
24 hours more than the last time. He didn't want to be pissed drunk for what had to be done, but there were things he wanted to forget.
Her eyes.
He drank, slow and deep, trying to burn out the memory. The glimpse of the spark he saw tingling in both their eyes when their lips touched.
He sighed. He knew what the spark was, and why it had never clicked between Buffy and him.
Bottom line, she didn't love him. She was using him.
He understood.
One bottle disappeared with one long gulp.
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"I'm still not convinced with him being able to hit you." Angel said.
They'd both moved into his office, and were each nursing a drink. Buffy took a sip out of her scotch and cleared her throat.
"And I certainly don't remember you drinking." He said, smiling.
"I don't drink." She answered.
"But you certainly like scotch." Angel replied. She smiled a bit and drank some more.
"I like the smell of it."
"As I was saying. I don't like the idea of Spike's chip not working on you." Angel repeated.
"It's not as if I can't take care of myself, or him for that matter." She replied.
"I know you can take care of you. But I still worry. And with my soul being anchored…"
"What with it?" She asked.
"I can, I mean, if you want to…" He left the sentence hanging in the air for a bit, and she shifted on her seat.
"You can what?" She asked.
"I could come back to Sunnydale." He finished. She gripped her glass hard, a gesture that was not entirely missed by Angel.
"Something wrong?" He asked.
"No. I mean, there's nothing wrong with you wanting to come back, or go, whichever might be the case here but I'm not sure that it is the right course of actions given the fact that…"
"Buffy."
"we are having a good time in ol' Sunnyhell. Yup, everything's allright there and I'm aware that you're gonna get your soul back and…"
"Buffy."
"it would be really great to have you back and help us fight but I don't know if you want to leave L.A. all alone and have no backup here and…"
"Buffy! Breathe!"
Buffy closed her mouth and realized she had indeed not taken a breath since she began speaking. She closed her eyes and took deep breaths, trying to decide what to tell Angel.
Which could have been easier if she knew what she was feeling herself.
She opened her eyes and saw Angel's, staring directly into her, letting her know that a decision had been made and that he'd indeed go back to Sunnydale, even if she wanted or not.
Closing her eyes, she saw a pair of blue ones that had looked at her searching for something. Looking for her permission to love her. For her guidance and her acceptance.
How could she tell Angel that she didn't want him back because she already had help?
"Your silence has something to do with Spike?" He asked. She jumped back and opened her eyes.
"What?" She almost shrieked.
"Look. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure it out." He said.
"How come?" She asked.
"Given that he's still alive. Given that he can hit you."
She shied away from his eyes. He smiled and rubbed his neck.
"It doesn't matter, Buffy. Really. You gave me a chance after I had killed and tried to end the world. I'm still not sure over your reasons, but I can understand you giving him a second chance."
She smiled and took one of Angel's hands in hers.
"I can't tell you that I'm not glad for you and your soul. I can't tell you that I'd really like it if you came back. But I also can't lie to you when I tell you that I'm not sure about it. Let me think it through."
Angel smiled as well and applied some pressure on their joined hands.
"I realize this is a sudden thing, but the one thing that made me leave has been fixed. There's nothing that keeps me away from Sunnydale. From you."
"What about L.A.?"
"Someone will take care of it."
"Any unfinished business?"
Angel thought of Connor. His son. He could be taken to Sunnydale and be helped.
"There are some things that need my attention. Either here or in Sunnydale."
Buffy frowned, but he had heard her reasons. She could give him that.
"Ok. I will think about it. Maybe we could make it work." She stood up and finished her drink. Angel stood up as well when she walked out of the office.
"Where are you going?" Angel asked.
"Out." She just replied. After all, she was not used to having someone ask her what she'd do.
"I'll be back soon."
She smiled and waved away. She stepped out of the hotel with one thought on her mind.
I just have to find a vampire.
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The bottle crumpled with a satisfactory crack in his hand. The mixture of pain and the burning of the alcohol helped a bit with the less than forgettable emotional pain.
Even after all the alcohol he had drunk, he still couldn't let her go.
She was not that easy to forget.
In fact, he was sure he'd never forget her.
He looked into his pocket and read once again the piece of paper there.
He still had some time, but maybe he'd forget all about prophecies and do it there and now.
However, the immense alcoholic mist that clouded his brain told him otherwise.
Spike looked for a place to crash, and he did so, landing face first into the trash container.
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He knew that at least one day had gone by, because he felt the night to be young and he was starving. Spike chuckled, knowing that if everything worked out, drinking blood would be the least of his problems.
He shook the excess garbage out of his clothes, and stepped out of the container. He peered around and tried to focus where he was. He sighed and took out another bottle out of his duster.
Jose Cuervo was a good friend. He'd help.
Spike looked above and saw the stars. It was a beautiful sight. He smiled and prayed for her.
That's why he never noticed when she walked next to him.
"Beautiful night, isn't it?" She said.
Her words startled him and he almost dropped the bottle. He had not expected her to come looking for him. His tired brain tried to come up with an answer and it came only with inarticulate phrases. There was no way he'd show how much she affected him.
"Cat got your tongue, Spike?" She asked. When she received no answer but only a stare, she shifted and placed her hands on her hips.
"Maybe you could start explaining why you ran away from Sunnyhell without even saying goodbye." She said. Slowly, Spike knew what he had to do.
Because if she knew, maybe she'd try to stop him.
So Spike fetched a cigarette, placed it on his lips, and let his oldest habit kick back.
"Like you're one to talk, Slayer, comin' to Angel's side like a bitch in heat."
End of Chapter.