Chapter 14

A/N: Chapter 14 of the series.

Warning: This is not a happy fic. I've warned you before. Read at your own risk.

Feedback: As you wish. At letter

Buffy Anne Summers hated certain things in this world.

Some of them were vampires, others were demons, and others were as mundane as doing the laundry or cleaning up her room.

Thus, her anger escalated when she took it upon herself to clean the room Spike had occupied a few days ago. Her mind still could not cope with his twisted ideas.

He surely had bunked on the hotel waiting for the perfect moment to ruin their lives. And still, there were some things that did not click on her mind.

Exhibit A: the room.

Said room's number struck her as weird.

147.

She tried to remember what was it about that number and Spike. Buffy shrugged and continued her task of tossing and almost breaking everything apart. Soon, she'd placed the meager possessions the vampire had into a few boxes, intent on burning everything down.

She growled when she saw the huge amount of papers piled up on a corner. She grabbed them all and threw them unceremoniously into the nearest box. However, fate interfered and a few of them fell out of the box. Buffy sighed and began picking them up. Suddenly, her eyes fixed on one of the papers and saw her name on it. On a more careful examination, most of the papers had her name.

An unchecked wave of rage ran up her spine and she almost growled again.

How dared he to write something about her after all the things he had done? She ripped some papers but curiosity won and she decided to read them. Maybe there were some things there that could explain why had he returned to his old ways. She stared at one of the papers and picked it up. It was all bent and it seemed to have been crushed many times. She slowly unfolded the piece of paper and began reading it.

Slayer.

Buffy.

Is it ok to call you Buffy? Can I do that? Sounds better than Slayer. I hope you dont mind.

Would you hit me for calling you like that? I can because I'm alone. In Angel's hotel.

Ironic

What could I tell you? I have a lot of paper to write. Many things I wanted to tell you.

Things I can say because you're not here.

Things I can write because you're not reading this.

Ever.

Will you destroy everything after I'm gone?

Buffy couldn't believe he had already guessed what she'd do. Another wave of rage surged through her but she decided to keep reading.

I'd like you to read this. There are a lot of things here important to me.

I love you. I will always love you.

Please remember that.

You won't be here to rip my face apart for saying it.

I know you don't believe me. I can't make you.

Something stirred inside of Buffy's heart, but the hateful things and vicious blows Spike had dealt her way a few days back made her feelings harden once again.

She kept reading, not knowing why.

Why do I love you? I don't know. I have never known.

I've tried to find out why.

I stopped thinking of you as a happy meal a long time ago.

I'd like to hold you and yet not because I'm afraid you'll disappear.

Maybe I'm insane

Figures.

It rubbed on me after all.

Don't laugh at me, please.

Buffy shook her head to get rid of that grin that had unconsciously crept up her face. She fumed once again.

"Stupid vampire." She muttered.

But you're not smiling.

You're not thinking of me.

You are somewhere else.

Someone else is holding you.

You're smiling.

You hate me. It doesn't matter what I do because you will always hate me.

Why do I love you?

You're special. The part of you that is a beautiful woman and a great friend.

The whole package. Buffy and the Slayer.

The way you balance everything inside and you give the proper amount of love to everyone around you.

Most of them, anyways.

I like the way you play with your hair.

When you're twirling the stake in your hands.

When you go glassy eyed thinking about Dawn's future.

When you bite your lower lip when you feel that someone's watching you.

Lately you felt when I looked at you and you would turn around and give me that hard look.

The look that reminded me how much of a monster I am. The look that chastised me back to my place.

The look that was my leash.

I love you.

There's no one around to tell me it's a lie.

No one to tell me I'm a soulless, evil thing.

I would have liked to tell you one last time.

Staring into those pools of crystalline hazel that are your eyes. Feeling that soft expanse of velvet surface you call your skin. Inhaling the soft and exquisite fragrance that lingers to your frame. The slight tingling I felt in the base of my neck when you were around.

I will miss that.

Buffy's face scrunched up. Why had he written this letter?

I thank God you won't read this.

I couldn't face you after doing the hideous thing I'm about to do

All to make you forget.

So that you remeber the kind of thing I am and you won't ever feel anything for me but hate.

Because I don't want to hurt you in any way.

I'll die in a couple days. Dead people don't feel anything, right?

I hope so You told me so. Every day.

If everything works out you won't even find out.

You won't even remember what we did.

You always said it was a mistake.

Do you know why I will die?

For the smile I could never see.

For the love I never got.

For the happiness you deserve.

For my life is not worth anything but your joy.

I want you to be happy again.

Because of what I saw in your diary.

Sorry about that.

Buffy couldn't help the smile that covered her face. She was trying to understand what was going on and why was this letter making her feel this freaked out.

Even if you read this you wouldn't believe me.

I've given you no reason to.

You'll hate me in a few days.

It won't matter. You will be happy.

Please be happy.

She once again smiled, but a constant feeling of despair was growing on her stomach.

I know you will never read this letter.

I don't have any hope left.

It's my only way of saying goodbye.

I have to go now, sweetheart.

Would you have loved me if I had a soul?

Would I have been good enough?

Would you have let me hold your hand?

Would I have been your friend?

Will you miss me?

There is nothing that will make me stop missing you.

I love you.

I will love you forever.

William

Right. I forgot.

Spike.

A tear ran down Buffy's cheek and landed next to Spike's real name

yet, the pain and rage she felt towards him made her want to have some answers, and fast. Her heart began pounding on her chest when she realized that if that letter was right, Spike was dead by that time.

The room began spinning and she made her choice.

"Cordelia! Get your higher ass down here!"

End of chapter.