Dusted

Disclaimer: As always, I don't own anything, except my own plot.

Author's Note: Oh. My. God. Oh my lord god… (faint) I can't believe this. I can't believe I wrote this one.

For those who have read this one before, you might remember a different version of it. One which I put here long time ago was intended to be done in two chapters. This one…(choke)…is the original I can't remember anymore (although, posting it here, of course, I have to make some correction and modification a little first). If it's not because a friend put this up on her site and told me…(read again) Oh my god… (faint again)

Book 4...

A Letter To Heaven

The morning air felt cool and crisp as she stepped outside of the house.

Dear Father,

Taking a deep breath, she let herself savor the gentle familiarity of gentle winter around her for a moment.

What peace…

It could have been all a lie – those things that happened months ago. She would have believed it if someone told her so. She would have believed it if she wasn't one of those who had seen it happened and been through it to the very end.

But…

It was not a lie. No one ever told her this was a lie. She had never believed in such a lie. And she had been that one who had seen and been through it all.

If, if, if…

How are you? I hope you are doing all right up there with Mother. You don't need to worry about me or our country. I am doing fine and the situation here is improving quite steadily (albeit a little too slowly).

She looked down at her watch and her eyes widened.

5.47 am.

She's going to be late if she's not hurried.

Turning to her right, she half ran toward the garden's direction, fumbling for the small knife in her pocket as she did.

Kisaka is well and is being himself as he always has. Thank you for making him a Colonel and not a Royal Advisor; I wouldn't be able to do anything much, much less coming out here by myself, if you did.

Her breath coming out in soft puffs, she strode down the quiet road purposefully with a bunch of white delicate flowers in one hand. She had thought of driving, actually, but then she realized that if she did, then they would notice.

So far, the rebuilding of Orb is going smoothly enough. There are now and again disagreements and arguments here and there, but these usually (and eventually) resolve in one way or another. I never knew before, though, that uncles could be so difficult at times and aunts could be such a pain so often. Father, it is not true, is it, that you got me a fiancé without my knowing?

"Torii!"

"Wahh!" she cried and almost slipped on the frosted pavement. "Wha--? Tori? Tori, what are you doing out here?"

The mechanical bird fluttered down on her shoulder and chirped innocently. "Tori! Torii!"

She groaned. "I hope Kira won't notice too soon that we are not at the house."

This Christmas, I managed to get everyone to come and celebrate in Orb. I don't know how he did it, but Athrun even got Yzak (the forever-busy-and-it's-not-my-business) to come and stay for as long as three days! I suspect that Dearka (and even Lacus) may have a hand in this.

Left…Right…the second corner…Right…the last oak tree...and left…

Oh, I don't care what Charles says. He always piles the work on me whenever there is the slightest chance. Not that I don't do anything, Father, because I do. Honestly. I have been working extra hard since last month so I can spend some time with my friends this Christmas and you know what he said? "But Cagalli-sama, there's no such things as a break or holiday! Please have a look at these reports for next month again…"

I swear that I would have strangled him to death if Kisaka didn't decide to come in at that exact minute.

No, I don't care if he's the best secretary or the best planner in the world (damn him for being both), but I am going to fire him. Kisaka agrees. I know you won't mind too much, Father.

She was fairly out of breath by the time she reached the gate. It was 6.24 am and dawn was approaching.

"Torii… Torii?"

"Shh," she hushed the bird absently, searching for the key in her coat.

"Torii."

The gate opened with a loud, protesting squeak. Cagalli practically flew in the moment the gate opened wide enough. Tori flew after her, much the same way it usually did with Kira.

The party was great. Everyone seemed to really enjoy themselves and Kira… Father, Kira laughed! It's not so often to see him smile or laugh so genuinely anymore and I was so happy that I forgot myself – I almost put Yzak's precious white coat into the fire.

Milly took a lot of photos; I will get copies of them and send you some.

Lacus sang a few songs for us and they were all very beautiful.

Ssigh and Kuzzey are living with their families in Orb and both of them are quite happy with how their lives are going now.

Dearka is still making puppy-eye at Milly and Yzak is still his grumpy self but was kind enough to get each of us a present.

Athrun…

The leaf-less trees nodded sleepily, while the brown-leafed trees shifted and huffed with annoyance as she ran past them. The green mechanical bird followed her and was not too far behind as it chirped now and again, "Torii…Torii…"

…Athrun was enjoying himself, too. But I think he's suspecting …something.

Her vision was blurring for a moment when she stumbled into the clearing. From here, the line between the sky and the sea could be seen clearly.

For a minute she just stood there, trying to calm the harsh breathing and the pounding heart. Then, slowly, she approached the two smooth, rectangular stones which set side by side at the very edge of the clearing.

Not yet. It is not dawn yet…

She fell onto her knees before them.

"Mother…Father…" the words as soft as the wind's whisper.

Below, the sea was humming a familiar song of long ago.

Is it possible that he sees through it? Is it possible that he knows? Perhaps it was those couple of times that I tried to avoid him…

But I hope he doesn't know.

I wish he – they – will never know.

Athrun and Kira, they are the last people I want to know…

Placing the flowers before both graves gently, she took out a letter from her pocket.

…that, despite what people might think, I am not that strong.

I want to, though. I really do.

But after all that happened, I, like everybody else, want some time to cry and to heal. Too bad that I can afford neither. Not now, not before, not soon. If I do… If I stop and I cry, I am afraid that I won't be able to get back up again.

It was hard not to cry. It was even harder to smile. But it was hardest going home that night, after your funeral, unable to cry even a tear.

But I have to be strong. I must be strong. Not only for my sake, but for Orb's. And those who live here, my friends… and my brother.

If I can help easing their pain in any way, if I can protect them from getting hurt, even it means I have to lie…

Then I will.

Someone dear – someone very dear – had told her once that angels lived at 'the End of the World'.

She recalled the memory fondly.

"But where is 'The End of the World', mommy?"

Brushing a golden lock away from her daughter's face gently, she managed a small weak smile. "'The End of the World' is where the sky and the sea meet, honey. Do you remember that place we used to go for picnic together? You, I, and daddy?"

She nodded.

"From there you can send me a letter – the sea will carry your letter to the end of the world. To me..."

The wind sighed gently as it swept by her.

They are going to hate me, I know. If they ever find out…

And that's why I am trying so damned hard now. If I don't do it then who will deal with those troublesome bastards who are itching so badly to start yet another war? Who else will smile and laugh to draw out from the others the very things she fakes? Who, Father, will protect them, if I don't?

How long had she been doing this? How many letters had she thrown into the sea, hoping against all hopes that it would somehow reach that place she knew never existed? Why didn't she…why couldn't she just…stop?

"Torii…?" Tori hopped onto her shoulder. It craned its head to one side, gazing sightlessly at her with its perfectly colored eyes.

"Because…"

The white letter fluttered from her hand. She watched as it danced for a moment with the wind before falling…falling and falling until the sea caught and put it away in her white sleeve.

"Because…"

I am sorry I said those awful things to you, Father. I am sorry for all the troubles I caused. I am glad that it was you and Mother who took me in. I am glad that for a while I had been your daughter.

And I wish I could turn back the time and say these things to you sooner.

Flapping its mechanical wings, Tori hopped closer to her face and nuzzled against her cheek.

She smiled a small weak smile.

"You know… she told me that if I tried looking hard enough, I would be able to see her if I came here when it was another is born."

"Tori…"

Dry-eyed, she gazed steadily at the shimmering line that divided the sky and the sea.

The sun was rising. It was morning.

"But I have never been able to see her, no matter how hard I try."

Please don't worry about me. I will be fine. It is hard but, like everything else, it will pass. I promise I will take care. I will write again after New Year. Tell Mother I will write to her soon.

Your daughter,

Cagalli Yula Athha

7.09 am. There's still time before the meeting with the other representatives. She might be able to make it back home, return Tori, and have some coffee before going to the office, if she walked fast enough.

Tori, who had been perching quietly on her shoulder ever since they left the clearing, suddenly flapped its wings and flew forward, chirping loudly. "Torii!"

"Wha---? Wait, where are you going? Hey!"

PS. By the way, I will be made Chief Representative in a couple of months. I hope Kisaka will get someone else to replace this bodyguard that Charles got for me. I think Kris is his name and, god, he IS lousy!

"Torii!"

"Tori, wait!" she cried, running after it. Kira's going to kill me if I lose him!

Last time I had to find an excuse to tell everyone why my arm hurt. Can you believe it? He actually fell asleep while standing guard outside my office that time. This time, a couple of days ago, I got shot in the shoulder and he actually fainted when he saw blood.

I really think that I should fire them. Charles and Kris. Today.

Glancing down at her watch, she groaned inwardly. 7.12 am. If she had to play hide and seek with Kira's bird and miss this meeting, she's sure going to get a long, long lecture from Kisaka. Not to mention that he's going to have a litter of kittens if he knew she came out alone and very early in the morning, after what happened the other day.

She suppressed the urge to touch where the bullet wound was. It did not hurt so much now but… she better be on her guard still; she couldn't really let it be like last time when a boy at the orphanage ran into her and, losing her balance, she hit against the wall and---

I had never seen Athrun so angry than that time then, when he saw the blood, she frowned wryly. But it's not as if I am a porcelain doll or anything…

"Torii!" a loud and all-too-happy chirping.

"Tori, where the hell are you, you little---"

The could-have-been a very long string of curses was cut short when she saw a tall figure at the gate.

What…

She tensed up almost instinctively, suddenly all senses became alert. This was what happened when you had an incredibly lousy dude as your bodyguard and a super-strict guardian as your weaponmaster. The moment Tori fluttered down on the outstretched hand, chirping especially cheerfully, however, she relaxed. That bird sang that loud only when…

"There you are. You know you shouldn't have come out like this, don't you? He must be quite worried right now…"

And suddenly she had that dreadful feeling in the pit of her stomach. Again.

"Athrun," she called, coming down the slope carefully. "What are you doing here?"

He looked up and, seeing her, walked up to meet her half way.

Tori hopped up to perch on his shoulder.

"I should ask you the same thing," he said, a stern note in his mild voice. "What are you doing so far outside at this time, Cagalli?"

"Doesn't matter," she replied carelessly. "I am going back now anyway."

"Cagalli…"

"Has everybody woken up yet or is it just you? We have a lot to do today, you know."

"Aa. It's just me and Kira…"

"Have you had breakfast yet?" she walked past him toward the gate. "Maybe we can try that new place Milly said she saw in the magazine last time."

"Cagalli…"

"Are you coming or not?" she asked, striding forward and not looking back at him.

Athrun followed. They walked down the road together for a while in silence.

It was just like her, and unlike her at the same time, when she asked him suddenly, roughly. "Why did you come?"

Looking side-way at the rows of the leafless tress, he replied calmly, "I followed you."

Cagalli's brown eyes hardened. "…Kisaka told you."

It was not a question but a simple, flat statement. Athrun continued to 'admire' the scenery.

"You must not blame him," he said in a mild voice. "Actually he was…reluctant to tell me anything. He didn't want to upset you more than you already have, But he did ask me, though, to fill in as your temporary bodyguard until he could find one who's – er – more competent than the last."

As if sensing the mounting tension, Torii decided to leave Athrun's shoulder and flew off into the wood. Neither made an attempt to go after that bird; if it could find Kira that time, floating amongst the bits and pieces of destruction in the space, then it could certainly find its way back home.

"It took a while but, in the end, I made him tell me what really had been going on. When I heard of what happened to you a couple of days ago…" his voice shook a little and she couldn't help but glanced curiously at him. Green eyes never burned brighter or colder then. "…It's all I could do to keep myself from killing him."

A momentary silence then, calmly, flatly, she said, "You met him."

Athrun studiously kept his gaze on everything and everywhere else but her. "I did."

"What did you do?" she asked.

He didn't reply.

"Athrun…"

"Let's just say that he won't be coming back in at least a few months or so."

She was exasperated. "Athrun, you know that what's going on right now is quite none of your business! Just because I got---"

"You could have been killed," he interrupted, the soft mildness belied the steel beneath.

Brown eyes flashed gold; she stopped walking and turned sharply to look at him. "You think I'm that weak? You think I can't protect myself? Give me some credit, Athrun. How, do you think, did I manage to survive this far in the last war? You think I was behind the line, tucked away safe and well-protected? In the desert, in that god-forsaken place, I had always been out there, front-line, fighting along with all of my friends. I can take care of myself as well as I know how to handle a gun. You, of all people, should know by now, and better than anyone, that I'm NOT like some of those princesses who are always in need of saving. Just because I'm a girl," she was positively seething, "doesn't mean in any way that I'm weak!"

Athrun, looking straight ahead, had not once turned to look at her as she talked. When he did, though, she was surprised to see the his expression inscrutably indifferent while his eyes – once so kind and alight with gentle amusement – were like twin emeralds, hard and unreadable.

And suddenly, she was scared.

"No," he said quietly. "No, you're not weak. I know you are a strong person, Cagalli. You have always been one, regardless that you are a girl and a princess. I am very much aware, too, of the fact that you are perfectly capable of taking care of yourself. We've fought in that last battle together, after all."

She regarded him with narrowed eyes, refusing to show any sign of the nervous uneasiness she was feeling inside. It surprised her, his admission, and worried her. She felt a pang of apprehension, dreading the possibility of what this might lead to.

Steeling herself, she said with a firm voice that she learned to employ whenever she had to talk with the other Representatives at the Parliament. "You don't need to worry about me; I'll be able to find a replacement – a more capable one, this time – by today. So, let's not talk about this anymore." She turned and started a brisk pace down the path.

Knowing Athrun, Cagalli expected that he would just let it go, as he always did, and follow her back without mentioning the matter again.

Apparently she didn't know him well enough.

"When are you going to stop lying, Cagalli?"

A jerking stop. Cagalli whipped around to stare at him. "What?"

Calmly, steadily, he gazed at her. "When are you going to stop lying," he repeated. "When will you be honest again?"

Surprise died and, in its stead, rage burnt brightly in her eyes. "What are you trying to say, Athrun?" she gritted out.

Almost casually, he put his hands in the long coat's pockets and regarded her with the mildest of gaze that belied much of the annoyance, frustration, and a tremendous amount of anger at her stubbornness and his own helplessness he was feeling inside. This had gone long enough. He didn't care this might come out ugly and might hurt both of them more than necessary. This…stupid charade must be stopped now – even if it meant Kira and Kisaka having his hind after this.

"You are as bad a liar as Kira, Cagalli. The others may not have noticed it but, do you think that we don't? We know you too well, not to mention the fact that you have always been very honest with your feelings. It shows, you know. We – I and Kira – can see it in your eyes. Every time… every time when you smile and when you laugh, telling us everything's fine, your eyes always tell otherwise."

Cagalli suppressed the urge to shrink away from him and countered his piercing gaze bravely.

"Why are you doing this Cagalli? Why do you keep pushing us away? Why do you have to take everything on your shoulders and suffer alone? Why do you have to be so stubborn? Do you know how much it hurt me and Kira to see you pretending and acting as though you are well and happy when in fact you are not? Do you know how hard it is for us not to say anything whenever you fake that smile and insist that nothing's wrong? Do you know how much do we hate that smile and that empty laugh? Do you know how much we are sick of your lies and pretense? Cagalli, what in the world are you trying to accomplish by doing this!"

Cagalli had been holding onto her control with much difficulty but, at his last words, the precious few strands of restraint snapped and all the emotions she kept bottling inside months after months finally came free.

"What am I trying to do? What am I trying to do?" she pulled roughly at his collars, glaring fiercely into his eyes. "What I am trying to do here, Athrun Zala, is to protect you and Kira and everyone. I am trying to protect this country and its people from those brainless bastards who have been snapping at my heels ever since the Treaty's signed. I am trying to protect what is left of my father and of my old self that I have lost in war. If you can see so many things then why can't you see it, too, that I don't want and I can't lose you, Kira, anyone or anything anymore? Can't you tell that if I lose even one insignificant little thing, I won't be able to forgive myself and I will break completely? I will break, Athrun. I will break and I don't know if ever I will be able to get back up again. If I lose you or Kira…" her voice cracked. "Then I will…I will really have nothing left and I will die. But I can't die. I have to live because I have to protect the others who still live here. I will live but on the inside I will be already dead. Have you realized that? That you and Kira are the reasons I'm going through this? All because of you two!"

"Cagalli…"

When these tears came she didn't know but they were flowing freely down her cheeks and, for once, she couldn't care any less about them.

"Why must you and Kira hurt so much? And why it hurts me even more every time I see either of you in pain? Why, why, why! Why the pain can't just stop? Why this--- why t-this---!"

When was the last time she cried? When was it that she stopped crying completely? It felt so long… So long she had forgotten how it felt to be able to cry and speak out her heart.

"I hate you!" she pushed him away and, like a little child, she cried without feeling the least shame at all as she poured her heart out. "You and Kira… I hate you for making me feel this way! I hate you for making me care so much! I hate you for hurting me! I hate you, I hate you!"

And I hate myself even more for hating you.

"Cagalli…"

She struggled futilely, weakly, against him. Athrun could be stubborn, too, when he wanted to be, and, on certain occasions, Cagalli would be brought to realize that her stubborn couldn't quite match his. So, she let him hold her as she cried and cried and cried. The warmth and safety, she had forgotten them ever since that night at the funeral. She hadn't cried a tear and had refused to be comforted by anyone then. She knew that she had to be strong, for everyone.

Cagalli made a few valiant attempts to hold back, but Athrun would have none of it and so, she gave in and let all the unhappiness, fear, and doubt be known to him. He understood, he accepted, and he comforted her.

…sorry…I am sorry. I am so sorry…

I don't hate you…I am sorry I said that…please don't hate me…

I forgive you…I'm sorry, too… I am sorry I hurt you…

Sorry…

It hurts…make it stop, please… please…

Forgive me… forgive…

I am so sorry…

It hurts…it hurts so much…why? Why you? Why me? Why all of us?

I won't leave you… I will never leave you…

I'm sorry…

They could never be sure who said those words and they could no longer tell whose tears were being shed. They cried together, they shared their pain and sorrow, and they knew they would never leave each other to be alone again. In time, the pain will fade and the wounds will heal. For now they had one another to hold onto, and the promise that whatever might come later, they would face it together. They wouldn't let go and they would be there to catch when one stumbled and fall. They might not know yet what the future might be, and they would worry about it later, but for now, to be alive and to have each other like this, it's quite enough.

For now.

I still can't believe I wrote this… (Author dies from the lameness)

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