Fanfic by Blueroseulan

June 11, 2004

Summary: This is my take on Kaoru's desperation to see the man she had dedicated herself for one last time. Based on the final scene in the OVAs. Written on Kaoru's POV. This fic is angsty… you've been warned. (I cried myself while writing this piece, thinking how doomed those two lovers were…  )

PLEASE REVIEW!

My chest felt on fire. My knees seemed like jelly as my shaking hand clutched your michiyuki closer to my chest. The wind blew hard. Dust was swirling everywhere; mingling with the bittersweet scent of sakura petals. Normally, I would have been lying on my futon, coughing alongside with the wind as I watch with thoughtless expression the garden we so truly loved to tend together.

But not today.

There was a force, a strong kind of tension pulling my feet away from the dojo and dragging me towards the dirt-filled road. I felt weak. I felt tired. But desperation was gripping my heart. I need to see you… I need to touch you… The desire for you was no longer painted with lust… rather for desperate survival. How long has it been since we last saw one another? You promised me you would return…

I believed that…

I still believe that…

No matter what the others thought of you, I remained steadfast and loyal by your side.

Now, it is as if my efforts would be rewarded. Now I could show Megumi and Yahiko that my waiting had not been futile. There had been no signs… no telegrams… any indication that today you would return… but the sharp tug at my heart was more than a mere reminder that words were not needed between the two of us. It never has. It never will. Time, fate and circumstances had proven that.

The wind was picking up speed. Imitating the loud pitter-patter my geta marked in the ground. From a distance, I heard Yahiko and Megumi's frantic calls. Tsubame's as well. They were worried about my sudden disappearance. But I could not go back. Would not go back. For once, I allowed my sick-ladened mind to be selfish. Desperation and pain were gripping my heart. My world was slowly closing in. I was only focused in finding you, the man I love, the father of my child, and the man who has left me. The man whom I have shared everything with…

Where are you Shinta? My pain-dulled eyes strove to find your form.

Where are you Shinta? I tried to scream, but no words would come out and instead, I felt my strength slowly deserting me.

And then you were there.

You looked so frail… so unlike the man I had met almost eighteen years ago. You almost dragged your whole weight, body sagging to the ground as your face painfully tried to look at mine.

It was all too much.

I flew at my heels, forgetting the burning sensation in my chest and the strength that had deserted me. No… nothing would stop me from meeting you… The man I love most… the man I had so faithfully waited for so long… After everything that we've been through… you still came back to me… you still came back to me… no matter what…

My arms were outstretched and tears were falling freely upon my face. I heard myself whisper your name loudly, and in response, you whispered mine. We were so close to one another… and yet, eternity seemed to slip off my hands. I wanted to hold you, to touch your face… to run my fingers along the gentle glide of your hair…. Oh what I wouldn't do to have you with me!

"Kaoru…"

"Shinta…"

And in a final spurt of speed, you collapsed in my arms.

"Okaerinasai… Shinta…"

With my words, your face gently softened. You body relaxed against mine as I half dragged you towards the riverside and to our favorite spot. With your head resting at my lap, I allowed my fingers to glide on your hair, my tears sliding down my chin to rest on your crown. Funny how almost two decades ago, I've been crying in this same spot, for this same man and for the same reason.

I knew you were leaving me… once again…

The familiar searing pain gripped my heart. But this time, the wounds were far too deep. You once left me for Kyoto… your leaving me again…

It was hard to imagine that this frail man I had in my lap had once been the most feared assassin in the whole of Japan. The Hitokiri Battousai, now reduced to mere rags, it was still hard to believe that you had once been a handsome carefree wandering ronin with a dark checkered past. Biting back a sob, I remembered how innocent you looked when you smiled at me while I chased my only student around our dojo. How blissfully happy you looked when I agreed to marry you and the tender smile so filled with fear and concern as you gently held your child for the first time.

Oh anata! What I would do to have you smile at me again! But then again your lips were curved into a soft smile while I held you in my lap. I continued to cradle your soft form even as memories flittered all over my mind. We've gone through hell and back. I could proudly say that. From Shishio… to Shogo… to Enishi… you and I… we've surpassed them all. .. And even if we had the share of nightmarish events, the good days outnumber the bad ones. The first time I met you, the day we met Yahiko and Sanosuke, Jin'eh, our first train ride to Yokohama, My picture with you in that foreign area with both of us looking ecstatically happy—even with the course of the day's events… The numerous walks, picnics and strolls we had… Our wedding… the first night we made love… My pregnancy…and our child. Kenji. Our child whom we have created amidst our love and passion. The result of two bodies uniting as one to form a new life. I still remember the night you confessed how overwhelmed you felt with fatherhood.

I rocked you in my arms., sobbing loudly as I disregarded the fact that you might have been gone alongside from my grasps for a long time. For now, my heart felt like bursting with the need to feel… the need to communicate. Anger, sadness, regret and love consumed me as I clutched your still form tighter to my chest. So many things have changed… so many… After we've been married, our friends one by one disappeared to continue their own lives. Megumi returned to Aizu to pursue her medical practice, Sanosuke had simply disappeared as abruptly as he had steeped in our lives. Yahiko moved out to the zanza's old bunkhouse. Everything suddenly reverted back to being normal that I felt desperately lonely. Everybody had already left and yet, I felt sure you couldn't… wouldn't leave my side…

But you did.

You still did despite that fact.

Where was the man I loved most? Where was the man who helped me survive all the pain and suffering throughout my entire life? Where was the man I had married, not for the sake of marriage itself but for the sake of love and life? Many a time I had questioned myself, asked these words while I lay silently on our bed, a sleeping Kenji at my side. The day you decided to atone for your sins was the day that changed our life as a family. More and more did you leave and rarely did Kenji and I got the chance to see you. You were reduced to a mere quiet man who forgot his son's birthday.

But I loved you and I love you still…

My fingertips were gently trailing down your cheek hen I stopped, a gasp escaping my lips.

Your scar has faded…

Finally…after so many years… finally… you have atoned your the sins you have created in your past… Your scar, a forever enigma of the person and assassin you once was, has fully disappeared… freeing your souls from the heavy weight of guilt that had chained around your heart.

"Kiet na…" I found myself whispering to no one as tears streaked down my face. A bittersweet smile traced my lips before I finally allowed myself to cry, Opening the floodgates of my emotions and setting loose the sobs that ran to rack my form. The tears would not stop as I clung to your lifeless body. I wept… not only for your death, but also for the lost time I knew we could never take back. I wept because I knew, no matter which was I turned it, I was already alone. Kenshin has already left me…alone, groping in the dark with Kenji…his only son… I knew weeping would not bring you back,. And yet, the terrible waves of remorse that stung my chest were uncontrollable.

Why! Why! Why had things turned out this way! I thought…with everything that we've been through… you would do no such easy thing as to suddenly give up… why now! Why give up now! I always believed that you and I had a sort of fairy tale like of ending, where the hero marries the woman of his dreams and the princess gets to wed with her charming prince…

I never knew fairytales are perfectly capable of ending with a tragedy…

I was bitter, I was angry, I was filled with regret and yet… somehow, I knew that wherever you are… you are happy… Free from the sin and guilt from your bloody past. Perhaps that happiness is enough to take away the bitter sting of your death in my heart.

Vaguely, I hear myself calling out your name. My hearing was slowly dimming, the sound of the world around us reduced to gentle buzzing as my mind slowly became haywired with black and fog… I no longer had any stronger desire than to be with you again… To see you and to hold your hand with mine… Selfish as it sounds, the thought of being with you appealed far better than having to spend the rest of my remaining earthly days without you beside me—even with Kenji.

Kenji.

He's a fine man, I know. Just like his father. And I'm also aware that he's perfectly capable in living off by himself. He has to… for you and I will not be able to watch him anymore… Gomen Kenji-kun…demo oka-chan wa… I trailed off… The pain and chills that once racked my body were slowly fading away to be replaced by a gentle fuzzy warmth. .. The feeling is so foreign and yet so natural… As if you're holding me in your own arms… Is this death? If it is… then its nothing compared to what I've heard of. .. If death means holding you and having me cocooned in your protective embrace; then I'd gladly succumb to its gentle calls…

Ara… my head feels so light… my vision seems to spin… My body feels as soft as weak jelly. Every bit of my strength is slowly draining me… The pain is almost gone now. The world is distant. The wind has stopped. Everything has calmed.

And then I saw you…again…

You were standing across me, palms outstretched in an inviting manner. You still wore the magenta-colored gi I know you favored the most and your face was still handsome and young. Just like how I had forever etched your image in my heart. You amethyst eyes glowed softly and there was a peaceful aura you exuded…

Two tight arms desperately gripped my waist suddenly excluding me from my hallucinations about you. Looking skywards, my eyes widened when I saw your identical features on the man that stood before me.

"Kaa-san! Kaa-san!"

Confused as I was, I couldn't help but ask.

"Shinta?"

The figure shook his head as unmanly tears trailed down his cheeks.

"Iie! Kaa-san! Kenji-kun… Anata no Kenji-kun!" he sobbed as he gripped me tighter against him. I smiled, despite the strong urge to close my eyes. Slowly reaching out to touch his cheek, I whispered his name while I felt the sting of tears in my eyes.

"Gomenasai…kenji-kun…"

It was almost over now. Kenshin was already beside me. Waiting patiently for me to arise. Your face showed a trace of unmistakably sadness as you watched me say my final goodbyes to our son, wishing that you too had been given such a chance. My eyesight was dimming, everything was slowly fading. It was Kenji's words that I had finally heard and felt before I rose up to take his father's hands with mine.

"Oyasumi-nasai… Okaa-san…Otou-san…"

I closed my eyes. ..

OWARI…

Kiet na It has finally diasappeared

Oyasuminasai okaa-san otou-san godnight mother and father

Now, my dear friends, do you see that review button down there? Yup… that one. Now, give it a click and make poor little me a happy bunny!

JA NE!

Bluerose