Fire.
When I was little I used to burn things, small things- my dolls hair, blades of grass and ants with a magnifying glass. Now I burn memories. The memories that hurt too much to keep, all the ones of him I want to burn. Pictures, postcards, love letters and gifts I can burn. The physical reminders of him are easily destroyed. But the ones in my heart and mind scar me. They are forever imprinted upon my soul and I can't burn them out. I try to forget to drown my sorrows in my new love, vodka. But I can't. He's always there on the edge of my consciousness.
I wanted to go see him, to make him understand what he had done to me, to us. But I never got further than the edge of town. Chino is too far for my heart to go. It breaks a bit more every day I cant mend it anymore, I'm not even sure if I want to. I have found a friend in my despair and loneliness. I know it won't leave me- not until he comes back. When he left, I left too. I don't think he understood how much a part of me he was. He saw me, not some spoilt rich girl, but me. The real me, the me that died when he went away. I know he loves me, not her; but he chooses her over me because of his sense of what is right. But doesn't he know I'm burning for him. That I need him now more than ever, that I cant go on one more day without his touch, his love, his passion, his everything- I need that to be me.
I was always told to look pretty on the outside and the world will believe you are happy. That doesn't work when you're dying inside. The fire, passion and drive inside of me is slowly burning out. It's fading day by day; I'm a shell of who I was with him. If he only knew what he was, is, to me…I don't know how much longer I can go on without him. Everyday I hurt more and more, the alcohol numbs the pain- for awhile.
I sit alone in my room watching the fire burn. The flames licking one another, blurring to form one shape. The colours are so vibrant; I stare into the fire and am mesmerized by the beauty that is flames dancing. I watch as the edges begin to blur and the light slowly fades away. I slip into unconsciousness and my only thought is fire pretty, love hurts.