Turn My 6's to 9's

Chapter 9: A faithful narrative

Beth sat on Carla's couch in her pajamas, a roll of toilet paper from the bathroom next to her so that she could blow her nose and wipe away tears. She was thankful that Carla wasn't coming home tonight because she didn't want anyone to see her in such a vulnerable state. Her eyes were swollen and red from the amount of time she'd spent crying already. Anger burned through her, as hot as the tears that kept spilling from her eyes. What an asshole he was. What a condescending, piece of shit human. She hoped that his life was nothing but misery and that he got run over by a bus.

What the hell did Will Darcy know about her, anyway. Nothing.

Her thoughts kept returning to the things that he had said. She'd been too deep in the fight to make much meaning of them at the time, but the more she thought about it, the more they hurt her. Like she was the judgmental one, sizing everyone up just to put them down, or that she thought she knew everything about everyone, or that he hadn't wanted to date her because she wasn't from the same background as him. Well good riddance, and lucky for Will, she didn't want anything to do with him anyway! She threw a pillow across the room for emphasis, and then flopped her head against the back of the couch, feeling exhausted from the night and from all the crying. She slid down to lay on her side, legs curled up under the blanket, fresh tears leaking down her nose from the side of her eye.

What had she been thinking!

She'd never felt so slandered and misjudged, and yet she couldn't stop thinking about that kiss. She felt wave after wave of guilt and embarrassment. Deep shame. It was enough to make her want to cover her face and hide. The kiss had not been a brief peck on the cheek, not something that she could brush off as inconsequential. It had lasted far too long and been far too intense to be meaningless. And she couldn't pretend that it had been one sided, or that it had been all Will's fault. She kissed him back eagerly. At least it had been before he'd said any of the things that'd hurt her feelings. She hadn't been thinking that he was an asshole when she kissed him.

She had never felt that kind of intensity or chemistry before with anyone. She'd felt it from her gut to her fingertips to her toes. It had turned her brain into a pile of mush. The kiss had felt more sexual than anything she'd experienced before, and she'd had actual sex with someone! For a moment she considered what it would have been like if she and Will had gone further, and it started to make sense to her for the first time why people made such a big deal about sex, why they did so many stupid things for it. Maybe she'd just been lonely. She'd spent all summer as the third wheel to her sister's relationship and hadn't had any physical contact with a man in months. When given the opportunity for physical touch, her body had responded so eagerly that Beth didn't know what to think. Maybe it didn't even have anything to do with Will at all, just a body near to hers... But then again, Jamie had flirted with her and stood close to her and she hadn't made out with him. Why was her body attracted to a stupid, arrogant, lacrosse bro who never bothered to make conversation and thought she wasn't good enough to be with? Her mouth turned down into a deep frown, thinking again how much what Will had said had wounded her. Fresh tears spilled out onto the pillow and she had to reach for the roll of toilet paper again for more tissue. For the first time she was glad she would be going home tomorrow, glad to get away from this mess she had made.

Beth was startled awake the next morning by a knock on the door to the apartment. She hadn't remembered falling asleep on the couch. She blinked her eyes, feeling congested and slow to wake. Her mood had not improved and she still felt embarrassed and angry and hurt. She walked slowly to the door and opened it when she saw Carla on the other side through the peep hole. Her friend's mood was a stark contrast to her own. She breezed into the apartment, a to-go carry container with coffees in one hand and a box of pastries in the other. She looked tired but rosy and happy, still wearing the same green romper from the night before.

"Are you alright?" she asked, taking one look at Beth's swollen eyes. "Your face is all splotchy and red."

"Just allergies," Beth lied, and she was congested enough that it sounded true.

Carla nodded and then held up one of the cups. "Coffee?"

Beth took the cup gratefully. She felt foggy and discombobulated after crying so much the night before. Carla hummed to herself as she brought down plates from her cupboard for the pastries, and despite her own mood, Beth couldn't help smiling at her friend.

"So how did it go?" she asked, and Carla grinned from ear to ear.

"Ah-mazing," she sang in a sing-song voice. "I'm hangover as I got basically no sleep. But it was great. Rich is so funny, and he's sweet too..."

Without meaning to, Beth found herself zoning out. How could she explain the night to Carla? How could she explain it to anyone when she still didn't understand what had happened herself? She'd cried herself out, but it still made her frown to think about what Will had said, and now she had a growing sense of unease about what she had said back. Why had she even brought up Jamie? She'd made it seem like the two of them were close friends when she'd only talked to him the one time. She chewed the corner of her lip. Will had reacted so strongly when she'd brought up Jamie. He was angry, yes, but also upset. That didn't fit at all with what she'd expect from someone who'd done it just for petty revenge.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Carla interrupted her thoughts, and she snapped back to attention. Her friend was looking at her with concern.

"Yeah," she replied, trying to sound convincing. "I just slept funny. I wasn't awake yet when you knocked, so you'll have to wait until the coffee kicks in." She couldn't tell Carla, she decided. She wasn't ready to talk about it at all and too fragile to hear anything Carla might say in response.

Carla nodded, still scrutinizing her friend. "You made it home okay from the bar and everything, right? Did you take a cab?"

Beth cleared her throat. "Will walked me home." She made an enormous effort to be as casual as possible, to not have it show in her voice or on her face. She took a big sip from the coffee as a way to hide her face, lest anything showed, and then made a show of picking out one of the pastries and taking a large bite.

"And how was that?" Carla asked with interest. "You seemed to be getting along."

Beth's reply was as vague as possible, and she waved it away with her hand. "Oh, it was fine. I just fell asleep on the couch when I got home."

"That's too bad. I was hoping you'd had an exciting night, too."

"Nope," Beth lied, wishing for all the world that it was the truth.

"Did you decide that you don't like him after all?"

Beth almost laughed aloud at that comment in light of everything that had happened the night before. "That ship has sailed," was all she replied.

Leaving on the train that afternoon, Beth felt an intense mixture of feelings. She had missed Carla and exploring the city had been exciting. She was sad to say goodbye, knowing that it was the last time they'd get to spend together before she left for college. But the ending with Will had spoiled everything for her. The train ride home wasn't long, but she had nothing to distract herself from her own thoughts, and she felt like she was going crazy, reliving everything that had been said. For the first time, doubt was coloring her feelings. Was Will right? Did she really act like she was some kind of expert about how everyone else should act? About who was cool and who was not? The examples that he'd chosen made her think. She had made fun of Lydia's friends at the 4th of July festival; on many occasions, she'd talked about how happy she was to get away from everyone she knew in high school; and she'd made fun of the men in the skinny jeans and the beanies at the bar the night before. She'd judged Will too, that was for certain. Was he right about her? She'd never felt insecure about herself this way before.

She arrived home with the same thoughts still distracting her. Why had she kissed him- why had she brought up Jamie- why had he looked so sad when she did- was he right- why did she care about what he thought at all- he was just some stupid lacrosse bro- was that her just being judgmental again- why had she kissed him- -why had she brought up Jamie- it never ended! She was supposed to be packing, supposed to be happily awaiting her trip to school next week, and instead she was driving herself insane. After spending the entire day wrapped up in her own head, she finally decided to call her sister, flopping down on her bed as the phone rang. She was sure Jane's calming voice would make her feel better about what happened.

"Hey you," Jane replied happily, and Beth had never been so relieved to hear someone's voice before.

"Can you talk?" she asked, and when Jane replied yes, she added, "Are you alone?" The last thing she wanted was for Charles to be in the room eavesdropping on this conversation.

"Yes," Jane replied slowly. "What's going on? Are you okay?"

Beth sighed deeply. "I am very confused, and I need your help. I did something...stupid," she finished, not knowing what else to say.

"In D.C.?" Jane asked seriously.

"Will Darcy was there. His aunt owns the gallery where Carla works."

"Oh?" Jane's tone was entirely different now, shifting from true worry for Beth to interest and intrigue.

"Yes, so he was there, and we all went out last night to a bar...and then I made out with him. For like a long time," Beth said in a rush while Jane hooted on the other end of the phone.

"You didn't!" Jane gasped and began laughing wildly. When Beth didn't respond, she continued. "Oh, you did! Was he good? I feel like he'd be good. He has nice hands."

Beth buried her face in a pillow for a moment before responding. "Yes," she said grudgingly. "But that's not the point..."

"As your big sister, I demand details."

Beth groaned. "God, I don't know. One minute we were bickering walking home, and then we were kissing, and I mean kissing, and then I—I panicked, and we got into a huge fight," she finished. "Right before we got in the fight he said he had feelings for me: obviously, right? But somehow I was still surprised. It's Will. He was always quiet. I said some really dumb things to him. I wish I could go back."

Jane had sobered. "What's done is done. You can't do anything about it now. The last that I knew, you were not a fan of his," Jane added slowly.

"I am not a fan! I'm so not a fan. That's why I need your help," she moaned into the phone. She rolled onto her stomach and tried to give Jane a detailed breakdown of everything that had happened over the weekend.

"So this is what's bothering me now," she said, after finishing the longer explanation. "Why did I kiss him like that, and is he actually right about me? Am I this terrible, judgmental person?"

"No way!" Jane said immediately, followed by a pause where it seemed like she was choosing her words carefully. "Though...you do have strong opinions about things. But you're never mean to anyone about it. You're just decisive. You know what you like and what you don't like. I think it's a good part of your personality."

And I know whom I like and whom I don't like, and it's whomever flatters me, Beth thought, cringing. God, Will was right! Jane, who was her sister and loved her dearly, was putting a positive spin on it, but it was still the same thing that Will had said only in nicer terms.

"He's a handsome guy, Beth. I think you kissed him because you were attracted to him. You two talked the whole night at Charles' place, and I don't think you'd do that with someone unless there was an attraction there. You can still be attracted to someone even if you're not crazy about all aspects of their personality."

Beth hadn't given her sister the details of how intense it had been or of how much chemistry they shared. She was too embarrassed to admit it, even to Jane. She was telling Beth it was okay to be attracted to someone, but she had no idea of just how much attraction there had been.

"What do I do now?" Beth said sadly. Did she just ignore it and pretend like it never happened, praying that she'd never run in to Will at Pemberley once school started? She tugged open her laptop, feeling like she needed a distraction for this part of the conversation. She clicked on facebook absently.

"It depends on what you want, I think. Do you want to see him again?"

"No," Beth said emphatically, without thought. "Never, ever again."

"Okay," Jane said laughing. "Then you'll have to-."

"Oh, my fucking god!" Beth didn't even realize she'd cut Jane off. "Oh, my god. Jane, he sent me a message on facebook." Beth slammed the laptop shut and pushed it away, having a visceral reaction to what might be in the message. She hadn't been able to see what was in it, only that he'd requested to send it to her.

"Read it to me right now!" Jane said excitedly.

But Beth was pacing around her room, from one end to the other. "I can't. I can't even open it. Oh, my god."

"Read it!" Jane bellowed through the phone, and Beth chewed on a fingernail anxiously. She had not expected this, but it meant that he'd been thinking about her too. Her heart was pounding just thinking about what he might have written. Jane was talking excitedly on the other end of the phone, and Beth shushed her, sitting back down on her bed again and pulling the laptop open slowly.

"Okay, I'm going to open it," she said, her heart in her throat. She had to know what it said.

"What does it say?" Jane was repeating over and over, but Beth could hardly process what she was seeing. The words blurred in front of her eyes and she had to blink just to focus. Beth had gotten to the third or fourth line of the message and her mouth dropped open.

"I have to call you back," she said, hanging up rudely as Jane's reply was lost.

The message was causing such a physical reaction in her. She couldn't seem to concentrate on the sentences in front of her, having to read each multiple times to make sense of what they said. She noticed immediately the length of the message. Longer than she would have expected.

I had to send this to clear something up. You mentioned Jamie Wickham and how I had him expelled from St. Agnes. That was true, but you have to know the circumstances to understand why. I think we both want to forget what happened last night, but I need to know that you understand who he is. Jamie was notorious around school as the person to go to for drugs. He always had coke to sell. You said that we had some argument on the lacrosse field, but that's not right. We were friendly with each other. The school had some idea of what he was doing but let him get away with it because he was one of their top players. I guess it's important to know that my grandma died my sophomore year, and it really upset my sister, Anna. They had been close, but no one really expected her to take it as badly as she did. She went to Jamie looking for something to make her feel better. Or maybe he sought her out. I don't know. But she used coke as her coping mechanism. Wickham didn't seem to care that he was destroying her life as long as she paid cash. Rich and I finally noticed something was seriously wrong with her. Thankfully we were able to get her into rehab before she could OD or do any more damage to her life. My sister is the most important person in the world to me, and I did everything I could to make sure that Wickham couldn't sell to anyone else. The school just wanted to suspend him for a few months, but I was so angry that I went to the trustees and made sure they expelled him. So you're right that I did that, and maybe it did ruin his life. I don't know and I can't seem to make myself care about it. I hope you get why.

I wouldn't ever say this normally, but you shouldn't be friends with him. He's not a good person.

Below this was another message, written slightly later.

Not that you would, but I hope you won't share this with anyone. No one but my family knows about Anna's history. Sorry that message is so long. You can ask Rich if you want confirmation of any of it. Wishing you the best.

Beth gaped. And then gaped some more, ignoring the increasing number of messages Jane was sending her. She'd have to fill her in later after she'd processed what Will had written. Carla had told her that Jamie was a drug dealer! That was one of the first things Carla had said when Beth asked how she knew him. And then she'd blown it off because it didn't fit with the impression he'd made on her. A big pool of embarrassment welled up in her stomach when she thought about what she had said to Will the night before. She covered her face with her hands. What an idiot he must have thought she was. No wonder he'd said she had no idea what she was talking about.

They had been thrown together a few times, and anyone who actually knew him only had wonderful things to say about Will. She had judged him, disliked him, yelled at him even, and she'd been wrong.

Jamie had fawned over her with attention and compliments, just like Will had said. She wondered for a moment what she would think of Will if he'd been the one flattering her instead. Talk about pride…she was the one with the ego. She could have cried right there, but she'd already cried so much the night before. She reopened the message instead and looked at the first part again. How truly awful it must have been to watch his sister suffer like that and to know who had enabled it. She imagined what she would do to anyone who hurt Jane, and expulsion was the very least of it.

Beth didn't know where that left her. Whenever she thought back to their kiss, she blushed hotly. She'd never felt anything like that before. The attraction had been so intense...

But now when she thought of what she had said to him, she was ashamed of herself. Will had opened her eyes to how she could be perceived by others, and she didn't like that version of herself. She'd known that he was honest to a fault; he'd said so at Charles's house earlier in the summer. But she'd never been on the receiving end of it, and she was still indignant at the way he had expressed his feelings toward her. Still, she had a newfound understanding of him and didn't know quite what to do with it.

What she'd said to Jane was true; she wasn't sure she ever wanted to see him again. The message hadn't been an apology. In fact, he said he wanted to forget it had ever happened. Just an hour ago, Beth would have agreed, but now she felt a sense of loss. Apparently, part of her had been hoping that he'd apologize or try to make things right. Now, with everything so confused and complicated, it all seemed out of the question.