Turn My 6's to 9's

Chapter 10: To be mistress of Pemberley

"How awful," Jane said with sympathy. Will had asked Beth not to share the information with anyone, but she had to tell Jane. "Don't tell anyone" never applied to sisters, anyway. "Poor Will."

"Now that I've heard his side of the story, I can understand why he did it."

Jane murmured in agreement. "So what are you going to do?"

Beth pushed her hair back with one hand, silent for the moment as she tried to think. "I don't know. Everything I thought about the situation was wrong, and I don't know how to come back from what I said to him." She'd been entirely wrong about Jamie, and she'd realized, slowly, over the days that passed that Will hadn't been entirely wrong about what he'd said to her. They were from different backgrounds; she had thought that herself all throughout the night of the gallery opening. And then Jane had confirmed her propensity for making quick judgments about others. What he'd said had been a little too honest, and maybe said in the wrong moment, but he hadn't been wrong. Beth just wished she hadn't reacted so strongly.

"Do you think you'll respond to his message?"

She sighed heavily. "He can see that I've seen it. I just don't know what I could write in response. 'Oops, my bad' doesn't seem like it'll do the trick."

Jane laughed, and then replied thoughtfully. "You might see him next week when your semester starts..."

"No," Beth replied quickly. "If I see him, I'm going to run and hide in whatever hole is big enough to fit me. I am mortified. How likely do you think it is for me to run into him?" Beth asked suddenly, with growing concern.

"If you don't have a class together, then not that likely. The only reason I met Charles was because we were lab partners."

Beth felt sharp relief. "He's a junior and an econ major, so hopefully that's enough."

Jane's tone was delicate on the phone as she chose her words carefully. "Why don't you give it a few more days and then see if you feel like sending him a reply. Maybe once you get to school, you'll change your mind..."

"Maybe," Beth said to appease her sister. Jane always wanted things to be nice, but she didn't have much hope that her feelings would change. Guilt and embarrassment were still the two strongest feelings whenever she thought of Will. "I'll see you this weekend?" she asked Jane. The two of them were going to drive her car and all her things to campus after which she'd drive Jane to the airport to fly back to D.C.. Beth was grateful to have such amazing support from her sister.

"Bright and early. You better have those playlists ready!"

Beth sat on her bed and looked around the room in disbelief. Her walls, closets, and shelves seemed so bare. Everything she owned was packed away in boxes or plastic tubs, waiting to be taken to the car. Soon she'd be in another state, finally arrived at Pemberley. Weak, early morning sunlight was streaming through the window. It seemed like a good omen.

Beth felt strange. She had spent so much time waiting for this year. Now that it was looming in front of her, she was nervous. But she couldn't remember being so excited for something either. The years of hard work she had put into school were finally paying off. This was the start of her life, she felt. Everything would be different, starting tomorrow. One long drive, and then she and Jane would arrive at Pemberley. What would it be like living in a strange city full of people she didn't know? She didn't know the answers, but her car was packed and there was only one way to find out. She hugged Lydia and her parents goodbye, and then drove off with Jane, heading north.

The drive was everything she'd hoped it would be. They sang along with the music, gorging themselves on snacks and diet Coke along the way. The weather was perfect, with endless blue skies and fluffy white clouds. The first thing Beth noticed about Massachusetts was how many trees there were. Now, in the height of summer, the trees were so green, and they were everywhere along the highway. Great, green forests, everywhere she looked. Big boulders of granite and stone flashed by; they'd had to bore through giant clefts of rock to make the road. Beth thought it was beautiful.

Beth was impressed again by the beautiful brick buildings and lush green grass and trees that made up the sprawling campus as they drove up the main drive. Her fingers were tingling with excitement. She felt elation and a curious sense of freedom. "We know you're in Grays Hall. That's what your admission packet says," Jane piped up cheerfully after they stopped to get her room key. Jane looked at the map and navigated Beth toward the building. "Just up this main road and then around the corner."

Her roommate hadn't arrived yet, and her dorm room was smaller than she had remembered. The empty walls and bare mattresses were depressing. Clinical. Was she really supposed to live here with another person? The twin beds were lofted, leaving room underneath for the other furniture that she'd brought. Suddenly her mood dampened. But with Jane's help she started to unload everything, picking the side of the room that seemed to get more light. Perks of arriving first, she thought. They hung twinkle lights on her loft, put a few potted plants from home on the windowsill, and hung up posters of artwork that Beth really liked (a gift from Carla). Her comforter was new, and she thought it was the prettiest pattern. Standing back to look at everything they'd done, she started to feel better. The room was cozy, she decided. Small but not cramped, and now that her things were in place it didn't seem so much like a hospital ward.

"Looks like you're all set. It really came together in here," Jane said, eyeing the work they had done.

Beth was beginning to feel a sense of nervous dread; it was almost time to drop Jane off at the airport, and then she would be here all by herself. Jane could see her expression change, and she pulled her sister in for a big hug. "You're going to do so great. You'll love it. You'll see."

Beth nodded and held on for a few moments more, and then she stepped back, sighing. "Ready to go?"

The traffic around Logan airport on the way back was more than she had expected, and she arrived back to campus just in time for the evening orientation. She had been hoping to stop by her room, but she only had time to park the car in the lot for first year students and then walk to the assigned meeting spot for her group. Her orientation leader was an upperclassman wearing a fluorescent shirt that read "Aug-O".

"Hey, I'm Devan," he said, and although he was friendly, he was not very enthusiastic. Devan had everyone go around and introduce themselves, and then he pulled out a sheet of paper. "We're supposed to do these icebreakers, but they seem pretty lame." He shrugged. "Everyone down to just chill out instead?"

The group looked around at each other, and no one volunteered in favor of ice breakers. But as a result, Beth didn't really get to know anyone. Eventually, Devan led them to an area outside where chairs had been set up before a small stage. Beth looked around at her class, wondering if she'd ever really know all these people. Beth didn't know what a Provost was, but the Provost of Pemberley got up on the stage and gave a welcome speech. Beth welcomed the opportunity to zone out. Finally, it was over, and she walked by herself back to her dorm, feeling tired and overwhelmed and a little lonely.

She was shocked by the transformation of the room since she'd seen it last. Her roommate had arrived. Where Beth had brought posters, her roommate had brought actual canvas paintings and what looked like small sculptures and vases of clay in different glazes. Her comforter was an electric red color, and the woman herself...well...

What had Will said about her…that she thought she knew everything about everybody? Beth wouldn't let him be right, and she made a tremendous effort to not judge her new roommate on first sight.

"Hi! You must be my new roommate. I'm Marianne Dashwood." Her voice was lovely and musical. She smiled warmly, wearing black lipstick that made her teeth look very white. Her fingernails were painted black as well, and she had on ripped cutoffs and what looked like a t-shirt for an anime hanging off one shoulder. Black boots completed the outfit.

Don't judge, don't judge, don't judge, Beth repeated to herself, shaking the offered hand. Beth could tell she was as excited and happy to be there as herself, and felt her own giddiness about the day return. Her coppery red hair was pulled back into two small buns, while two loose strands of hair framed her face. The hair blazed when set against her translucent, pale skin, blue eyes, and the black lipstick. Beth found it a little hard to take her seriously; Marianne measured a whopping 5 feet and had a very petite build. Like a slightly scary pixie.

"Orientation was so boring, don't you think? They really know how to kill the buzz of the first day."

Beth nodded. "I didn't get to talk to anyone. My orientation leader was...not very good at his job."

Marianne giggled. "Mine was really cool, and she invited me to a party later tonight. All the orientation people go and any upperclassmen on campus. Do you want to come with me? I'm kind of scared to show up alone."

Beth was pleased at being asked to join. "That sounds great, actually."

Marianne nodded in approval. "Awesome. I could tell you were cool," she said, flashing Beth a happy smile. Although it was silly, Beth felt relieved at the compliment. She wanted her roommate to like her.

Beth took a moment to examine the small sculptures that Marianne had placed throughout the room. "These are really beautiful; did you make them?" Marianne nodded, smiling shyly. "You should be off at some fancy art school; these are really good."

"This was the only school where I got a good enough scholarship. None of the art schools had them. It's not so bad. The program here is pretty good." She shrugged unconcernedly.

Beth was glad she had held off judgment. Ignoring the lipstick, Marianne had turned out to be sweet. She hummed to herself as she unpacked, completely un-self-conscious. She was interested in getting to know Beth, seemed like a good listener, and she had been nice enough to invite Beth to tag along to the party, when she easily could have gone by herself and left Beth alone in the room.

"What do you think?" she asked Beth two hours later, smoothing out the skirt on a white sundress with yellow flowers. She still had on her boots and black lipstick.

"I like it," Beth said honestly, feeling that she could never be that bold. "Do you think this is okay?" she asked, gesturing at her own outfit. She hadn't wanted to look like she was trying too hard. She had on a pair of high-waisted shorts and strappy sandals with a simple tank top tucked in.

"Yes. And you should wear your hair down. That looks perfect." Marianne nodded in approval. "Can you believe it—our first party at Pemberley. It's so romantic!" she gushed dramatically.

Walking up to the house, Beth did not feel romantic or glamorous or anything but else nervous. The house was big and just a block off campus. She could hear music playing inside and see 25 people standing on the porch. Even more noise was coming from the backyard.

"Marianne, you made it!" The voice came from a woman with beautiful long, black hair and light brown skin who was standing on the porch near the front door. She gave Marianne a quick hug after they'd walked up the steps, and Beth was reminded again of how bad her orientation must have been. She doubted that Devan would even be able to recognize her.

"Beth, this is Lucy Reynolds. She is the shit."

Beth felt immeasurably grateful that someone had greeted them as soon as they'd arrived. She didn't think she would have been brave enough to walk into the party otherwise. Either Marianne put on a good act, or she genuinely didn't care what people thought about her. She'd walked up right up to the party like they belonged, without a hint of hesitation.

"Welcome," Lucy said, throwing her hands wide. "This is the annual August Orientation party. There's a keg in the back, although they'll probably ask you to pay $5. How are you both enjoying your first night? How's the dorm?" she asked over her shoulder as they entered the house. Inside were more people, some dingy couches, and a dirty kitchen with a sink full of dishes. Exactly what Beth would have expected for the inside of a college house. They stepped outside through the back door, and Beth felt as though someone had punched her in the stomach. All the blood in her body seemed to rush into her cheeks. Because there was Will, standing at one side of the yard, facing away from the door and in conversation with a friend.

Oh, her heart was pounding. If it hadn't been dark outside, everyone would have been able to see her turn scarlet from the roots of her hair on down. She'd thought she'd run into Will at some point at Pemberley, but not on her very first day. And she still hadn't responded to his message! She felt herself cringe and wondered if Marianne would notice if she ran back inside and hid. She and Lucy were standing in line for the keg, but Beth shook her head when they offered her a cup, deciding the last thing she needed was a drink to make her say or do something stupid in front of Will. She couldn't decide if it would be worse to go say hello or to say nothing and then have him notice her and realize that she'd purposefully ignored him.

Marianne and Lucy were talking like old friends, but Beth could hardly pay attention to them; her eyes were continually drawn back to Will. Strange how easily she'd recognized him just from the back of his head, but she knew it was him without a doubt. Her thoughts cleared as the minutes passed, her heart rate returning to normal. She should talk to him, she decided. Rip the bandaid off and get the first meeting over with. High school Beth would have ignored him, but this was first-day-of-college Beth, and she decided she would be mature. And anyway, taking control of the situation was much better than having none.

She excused herself to go say hello. Her heart began racing again as she approached Will, and it was just sheer momentum that kept her going. Should she touch his shoulder? She half raised her arm and then decided it was a bad idea. Instead, she stepped around to the side of him and leaned her head to catch his line of sight. "Hello," she said, feeling suddenly stupid and nervous. Being mature was awful! She should have just hidden.

She did have the pleasure of watching numerous emotions cross Will's face, almost all at once. He was surprised, obviously, and confused. It was harder to tell in the dark, but he was blushing, the color heightening in his cheeks. "Beth!" He took a small step back in surprise at the sudden sight of her. "Hi."

Some physical greeting was required, her brain told her irrationally. She found herself extending her hand out in greeting, meeting his eyes fully for the first time. A handshake was a deeply weird thing to do, but somehow a hug seemed out of the question between the two of them, and her hand had shot out almost on autopilot. He seemed surprised but shook her hand. His hand was warm, and she quickly let go and shoved her hands into the pockets of her shorts, still feeling foolish. Walking over had been the entirety of her plan. Now here she was, with no idea what to say. The friend next to him was smiling kindly and looking with mild interest at her. Oh god, now they were all going to stand here in silence. What had she been thinking? It was Will, after all, and so now they'd stand awkwardly until the ground swallowed her up in shame.

"Cole, this is Beth. Beth: Cole Brandon. He had the misfortune of being my roommate for two years. He's a senior."

She couldn't believe Will was doing introductions. There had been no awkward silence at all, and had that actually been a joke she'd heard? And all of it with a friendly smile on his face. She didn't know what she'd expected, but this wasn't it. Maybe Will had decided to be mature about it as well.

"It's nice to meet you," Cole said politely. "But since you're here, I'm going to take this opportunity to go to the bathroom. See you in a minute."

With that, their buffer left them alone and Beth began to panic inwardly, wondering what she could say. Every subject seemed to be taboo. 'The last time we were alone we were making out' was a tad inappropriate for the situation, but it was all she could think of, the sentence running over and over through her head.

"You must be excited—first day and all," Will said lightly after a few moments of silence had passed. "I wondered if I'd see you out."

Will Darcy was actually making small talk with her—unfathomable. She responded without thinking.

"My roommate got invited to the party. It's been a pretty hectic day. I'm just feeling lucky that Pemberley wanted to raise its enrollment; otherwise, who knows where I'd be." The second it came out of her mouth, Beth wished she could take it back. She'd meant it as a joke; she was feeling so nervous. But at the pained look that briefly flashed across his face, she wished she'd said nothing instead. It had not been funny at all. Fuck, she thought.

There was only the slightest pause. "Well, someone obviously thought you and your roommate were very cool. Freshmen don't usually get invited to the orientation after-party."

She was relieved that he wasn't offended by how much she'd stuck her foot in her mouth, and she found herself smiling at him, grateful for the fact that he had let her remark go and that he wasn't letting the conversation drown in awkward silence for once. "More like my roommate is cool. My orientation leader couldn't pick me out of a lineup, I'm sure."

He laughed before looking off into the distance.

"Will," she said suddenly, and he turned his head back to make eye contact with her, caught by the change in her tone and his name. "Thank you for the message. I-well, I-..." she paused for a while, unable to look directly at him. There was too much to say. His message had been so personal, such a sad thing for his family. She'd been so wrong about Jamie. Seeing him again, she'd realized she had to say something to address what had happened. She looked back up, and he was looking at her with interest, waiting for whatever she would say next.

"I'm sorry," she finally said, looking at him pointedly, trying to convey as much feeling as she could in such a small sentence. She meant she was sorry for more than just his sister or for the things she'd said, but for everything.

He nodded and looked down for the first time. "I'm sorry, too."

They considered each other for a long moment, and then Beth decided to extend an olive branch. It didn't make sense to hold onto any of the negative things that had happened now that she was here. Jane had been right. "What do you say...friends?"

She watched as a slow smile broke across his face, transforming his features, and felt herself smiling in return. "Yeah, I'd like that."

"Beth!" Marianne was waving her over, and she saw Will's friend walking back towards him from the house, giving her an excuse to leave the conversation without feeling like she was abandoning him. It had been a heavy conversation, and she felt like she needed time to get used to the idea of being friendly with him. "Enjoy your first week of classes," he said, and she smiled and gave him a small wave, walking back toward Marianne.