Turn My 6's to 9's
Chapter 14: Most unexpected and serious
Beth pulled her coat tighter to stay warm as they walked up to the house in the frigid December air. Cole left them to go warm up; the bass player and the drummer were already doing so. The fraternity house had a large room that made up an entire wing of the building. The floors were wood, and the furniture had been pushed up against the sides of the walls, leaving a wide open space for dancing. The band was setting up in one corner. She didn't remember seeing this room the last time, but it seemed like bands often played here. There was punch, she noticed with a grin. She'd have to steer clear of that tonight.
Beth excused herself to the bathroom before the party got busy. Looking in the mirror, she still wasn't used to seeing herself with eye shadow, and she thought the result was dramatic. She rummaged through her purse for the lipstick and noticed she had missed Jane's call. That must have happened on the drive. Odd that Jane had called, as they had spoken already around lunchtime. Puzzled, she decided to call back later. The party was too loud inside, and it was too cold outside.
More people had arrived, and she saw John Willoughby with surprise. He was a slender man, wearing a pair of black skinny jeans with a black, v-neck t shirt and a thick band of leather on his wrist. He was handsome, Beth admitted, appreciating what Marianne might see in him. He had a few days' worth of stubble outlining a fine jawline and dark straight hair that was a little too long for Beth's liking.
That meant Marianne was here too, Beth thought with excitement. Strange that Marianne hadn't said anything about the party, but maybe she hadn't known she was going until the last minute. Beth didn't see her anywhere, and with dismay she realized that he wasn't with Marianne, but another girl. She watched them for a few minutes. Maybe they were friends; maybe it was his sister. John put his arm around the girl and pulled her up for a deep kiss. Definitely not his sister, then. She felt sad and disappointed and then somehow guilty for witnessing it. This wasn't her business, but he was not being discreet. Marianne was unconventional, and she was open to a lot of things, but not this open. Or at least Beth didn't think so.
Anna caught her attention with a little wave, and Beth made her way over to the siblings; she would just have to worry about it later. Maybe she'd know what to say to Marianne when the time came. Will had just returned, balancing three plastic drink cups in his hands.
"Club soda," he said, handing Anna one of the cups. Beth's held what looked like white wine. "It's boxed wine, but I didn't think you'd go for the punch," Will said with a knowing look and Beth had to laugh. The drink was cold, at least, and not the worst wine she'd ever had. The three of them clinked their cups together as someone walked up to the microphone to make an announcement.
"Hey, everybody, we're going to start," the boy said. "I just want to say congratulations to Will. Good luck with your internship, dude. We'll miss you."
Will smiled shyly and nodded his head in thanks, uncomfortable with the attention from an entire room full of people. After clapping for Will, the band began to play. Beth was amazed when she heard jazzy swing music. Looking around, she saw that many of the people were dressed to fit that part.
"You didn't tell me this was a swing dancing party."
"They were offering a swing class at the local YMCA, and there's a swing dance club on campus; people wanted to try out what they learned," Will said.
"If I had known, I would have worn my saddle shoes." Around the room, people really were swinging. It looked like fun, but Beth had never tried anything of the sort.
Anna smiled sweetly. "Don't let that stop you. I'll teach you some steps. It's really easy."
Anna was a good teacher and far more graceful than Beth. Standing off to the side of the room, she taught Beth the basic swing step, how to slide their arms behind their heads and then spin out at the end of it. "How do you know how to do this?" Beth finally managed to get out in between her giggles; Anna was maneuvering her around like a master, and Beth couldn't stop laughing. The dress Marianne had picked was perfect and billowed out every time Anna spun her.
"I took lessons in high school and got really into it for a while," she said. "Remember, Will?" She glanced over her shoulder at her brother as she and Beth took a break from dancing. "I'd make him practice with me for hours," she said to Beth with a grin.
"I remember," Will said, sounding as though he still mourned the lost time.
"What else are brothers for except to torture them," she whispered to Beth, her tone conspiring. "Now, you should get out on the floor." She nodded at the crowd of people. "All you need is a good partner," Anna said, turning her head to look pointedly at Will. "They take care of everything and all you have to do is hold on. As long as you've got someone who knows how to lead, you're all set."
Beth was drinking from her cup and missed the nonverbal message to cease and desist that Will was telegraphing to Anna, but Anna gave him an innocent smile. Then a sophomore Beth knew by sight but not by name walked up to them.
"I saw the two of you dancing," he said. "Either one of you looking for a partner?" He smiled confidently and held his hand out equidistant between Beth and Anna.
"I am," Anna responded immediately, placing her hand in his. "Here, Will, you dance with Beth."
It was so neatly done, almost like Anna had planned it. They stood awkwardly for a second, but then Will held out his hand to her. She felt very shy. Dancing with Anna was one thing, but trying to dance with Will was another entirely.
But his hand was warm in hers, and it did seem like he'd spent a lot of time practicing with Anna because he was able to make it seem like Beth knew what she was doing. Anna had been right; it was all about the partner. "You're good!" she said, after their first minute of dancing. Beth found herself laughing again as Will had to hunch for her to be able to get her hand up so they could step and slide with their arms behind their heads like Anna had taught her.
"It's the only dancing I can do, so you're lucky." He pointed out his sister. "Look at Anna." She was by far the best dancer, and her partner was lifting her in the air now and passing her from one of his hips to the other while she held her feet aloft.
"None of that," Beth warned, imagining her shoe flying off if she went airborne. Will laughed as she said it, twirling her out and then back in, sometimes passing her around behind him to switch hands behind his back.
"Okay, nothing in the air, but how about a dip?" He hadn't waited for her response but dipped her mid-sentence, and she found herself giggling at the surprise of it. The whole atmosphere of the party was great, and the style of dancing was so much fun. She wished people always danced like this, rather than the grinding that had counted as dancing at her high school. Beth noticed again how green his eyes were as he looked down at her. Right after he'd dipped her, they had switched to a jazzy slow song. Beth wondered if someone in the band had been watching them dance.
Pulling her up gently, he asked if she wanted to dance, and Beth simply nodded. Was this something more than friends would do? He'd danced with her because Anna had told him to, but that didn't mean they had to keep dancing together now that the song had changed. Her pulse beat wildly as he pulled her closer to dance to the slow music. His hand was on the small of her back, the other holding her hand, and Beth had to resist the urge to rest her head on his chest; she felt overwhelmed by him and hyper aware of everywhere that they touched. Definitely not how it should feel with a normal friend. But maybe he wasn't feeling anything...was still just being nice...
He was looking down at her, eyes on her mouth, and Beth couldn't help flushing as she met his gaze. But she didn't look away, and neither did Will. Will's arm tightened around her, and she felt almost certain that he was about to kiss her. His expression was the same as it had been at Carla's.
And then she was startled by the strong vibration of her phone, and the ring tone was loud enough to hear over the slow song. Her phone was in the pocket of her dress, and she felt like an idiot. She hastily reached to turn the phone on silent and looked down at the caller ID. "It's Jane," she said, in surprise and growing worry as she noticed the number of missed calls and messages. What terrible timing... "I'm so sorry Will, but she's been trying to reach me all night."
"Oh, answer it."
She held up a finger. "I will be right back. I promise. I just want to make sure that everything is okay. This will take two seconds. And then more of -" she gestured from herself and then back to him, and he smiled and nodded.
She walked out of the room and called Jane's number, feeling annoyed. "This had better be really good," she said in frustration, grabbing her coat and going outside, away from the noise. "I mean really, really good."
"Beth," Jane said miserably. "I've been trying to get a hold of you.
"You sound weird. Are you all right?" she asked, starting to feel alarmed, her annoyance dropping away.
"I'm fine, but…"
"What's wrong?"
"It's Lydia. She's in the hospital; she—she OD'd."
It was hard to get enough air. She sat down on the steps outside the door to the house, barely noticing how cold it was on the skin of her legs and through her skirt. Her mind had gone blank.
"Someone found her in the bathroom at a party. She'd collapsed from too much cocaine," Jane was continuing, though Beth could hardly make herself listen.
"No." Beth felt hot tears spill out of her eyes. "Is she going to be okay?" Beth barely whispered it. She didn't know what she would do if Jane said no. She didn't always like her younger sister, but she loved her deeply nonetheless. Losing her was unimaginable.
"She's okay now, we think. They got her to the hospital in time. They gave her something…diazepam, maybe. I can't remember what it's called. We're all just in shock. Mom and dad don't know what to do. None of us do." Jane's voice was shaky as she spoke. "I'd only gotten home from the end of the semester a few hours before. I didn't even know she'd gone out."
Beth felt a tiny wave of relief at the thought that Lydia wasn't dead, but it was only the topmost of the emotions she was feeling. Beth rubbed her forehead with a shaky hand, trying to steady her breathing.
"Dad was so worried, but now that she's okay he's—he's furious. We don't even know how she got into it. Who would sell drugs to a sixteen year old?"
Beth stared at the sidewalk without seeing it. She knew exactly who would do such a thing. Someone who'd done it in the past... Jamie must have been at Carla's party to drop off drugs. If St. Agnes was any indication, it didn't seem to matter how old any of his buyers were as long as he got paid. She could see it clearly. She pictured Lydia waiting in line with the other girls for the bathroom and how friendly and amped up she had been. She'd been that way too at the movie night she'd had with Jane. Beth had assumed that she'd just been drunk, but it had been cocaine instead. Had it all started at Carla's party?
Beth shook her head, feeling sick. "What are they going to do with Lydia?"
"She has to stay in the hospital for a few days, and then I'm sure dad will want to put her in some kind of rehab facility. You're coming home tomorrow, right?" Jane asked desperately.
"I already have tickets for the earliest flight."
"Good. I need you here."
Beth could hear indistinct noises in the background, and Jane responded distractedly to whoever was talking. "I've got to go. I just wanted you to know what was going on."
Beth sighed heavily. "Okay. Call me if anything happens."
After hanging up, Beth looked at her hands in confusion; they were smudged with black streaks. She remembered that Marianne had done her make-up what seemed like years ago, and now she had ruined it by crying. She must look truly awful, she thought, imagining the black smudges, and she began to cry again.
"Get a grip," she said to herself and reached into her coat pocket, extremely grateful to find some tissues. She did her best to wipe away anywhere she thought the make-up might have gotten, but it was hard to do without a mirror. Beth was suddenly aware of the music again. She did not want to go back in. She didn't think she could face all the happy people dancing and laughing inside. She was hardly in the mood see anyone, let alone explain why she had been outside for so long. It had probably been close to ten minutes. She'd been so dazed after the bad news that she'd done nothing but sit on the steps in the cold. She had an early plane to catch, and she couldn't be at this party any longer. She had to be somewhere quiet so that she could think and try to understand what had happened to her sister. She slowly started up the walk to the door. She had to say goodbye to everyone, didn't she? Or maybe...
The door opened and Will stepped out before she reached it. She did an abrupt about-face, briefly closing her eyes. She was an emotional wreck, and the last person she wanted to see her that way was Will. Her mascara had probably run everywhere. But she would have to face him sometime, and it was better outside than in. Squaring her shoulders, she turned around. She hoped he wasn't perceptive enough to notice she'd been crying. Maybe the night was too dark for him to see, maybe she'd managed to wipe away all of the streaks of make-up...
"What's wrong?" his voice was filled with alarm. So much for not noticing.
She spoke softly to keep her voice from breaking. "I'm fine."
He closed the distance between them and she had to look away from his searching gaze. "I can tell you aren't fine."
Beth took a deep shaky breath and tried to explain. "It's…my sister...she's…" Her voice broke, and she couldn't blink the tears away. She bowed her head; she didn't want him to see her cry. Will stood awkwardly for a few moments, not knowing what to do. Then she straightened up and laughed at herself. "I'm a mess." She shook her head and cleared her throat. "I'm sorry."
"Don't apologize. I just want to help. You should sit down. Are you okay?" he asked again, and it was somehow comforting to see how concerned he really was about her.
"I'm fine." But she allowed him to guide her to the steps to sit down. He waited patiently for her to start. She shoved her hands deep into her coat pockets, trying to figure out what she could say to him. Nothing came to mind except the truth, no matter how horrible it was.
"Lydia's in the hospital. She was at a party and she overdosed on coke." She watched Will's expectant face drop into a frown and he looked down, eyes landing on the steps below them. She couldn't tell what he was thinking. "She's going to be okay, but…" Beth trailed off. "I didn't even know it was going on. How could this happen?"
Will looked as though he understood only too well what she meant. A sad look of understanding passed between them. "I knew Lydia liked to party, but this? Almost dying?" Beth shook her head in helpless bafflement.
Will placed one of his hands over hers, carefully and deliberately. Not romantic, but it was still comforting. "At least she's okay," he said quietly. "Are you sending her to rehab?"
Beth shrugged deeply in a helpless gesture. "I have no idea. I'm sure my parents will make her go but—" She suddenly stood up to pace in agitation. A wave of fury had run through her. "She was getting it from Jamie!"
Will looked at her speechlessly, and then he closed his eyes for a moment. "Wickham?"
"I know I made it sound like we were friends, but I only met him once," she said hastily. "And I think that's when Lydia started using it." She paused, picturing the conversation where Carla told her he was a dealer and feeling so foolish. "I knew what he was. Even you told me. If I had only told her, none of this would have happened." Beth exhaled violently. "I didn't know she was doing it, but still, I should have told her..."
Will walked to where Beth was standing. "You can't blame yourself. There are just some people who get sucked into that world. Lydia would have done this whether you'd been there or not. If not now, some other time in her life in some other situation. It's her fault; or maybe it's his for taking advantage of her, but it's not yours." He was looking down at her, his expression serious. "If you try to blame yourself, it'll just eat away at you. Take it from someone who knows." He sighed after he said it, and a frown marred his features.
Beth had never heard him talk about what had happened with Anna; she had only read the message She could see now how much pain it had caused him. She felt terrible for making him relive it tonight. She blinked slowly and finally nodded. "You're right. I'm just…" Beth trailed off. She didn't know what she was feeling.
They both seemed to realize at the same moment that Will was still holding onto her shoulders. He dropped his hands, shoving them into his coat pockets. "I'm sorry; you haven't had any time to deal with this. I'm sure you just want to be alone. I'm not helping anything." He went on before she could reply that she hadn't minded his company—that he was the only thing making her feel okay. "You're probably not coming back inside..."
She shook her head.
"I'll drive you back," he offered quietly.
The ride back to the main campus was quiet and tense. Will no longer seemed inclined to talk and Beth was too emotionally exhausted to try to break the silence. She thought he might've just dropped her off in the parking lot, but he got out and walked her to the doors to her dorm. The night air was crisp and very cold. She'd warmed up in the car, not realizing how cold she'd been outside the party. But now she was feeling it again. The sidewalk and leaves glittered with frost.
"Thank you for the ride." The evening had been nice, right up until it hadn't. "You didn't have to take the trouble—"
"It was nothing," he said, cutting off whatever she had been about to add. "I'm just sorry about Lydia."
"Me too," she said quietly. "But you shouldn't have left your party just for me…"
Will waved her off again and looked down at his feet. "Don't worry about it; you're more important than that stupid party." His eyes were suddenly on hers again. Beth inhaled sharply, and the moment of silence dragged on between them. With a pang, she suddenly remembered just where they had left off on the dance floor. Now was the obvious time for a goodbye hug or kiss; but instead they simply stood there, looking at each other. Will's jaw was tight. Just when Beth thought that she couldn't possibly take the silence and tension between them any longer, Will finally took the step forward, bringing them as close as they could be without touching.
Beth was suddenly aware of her heart beating in the hollow of her throat. They were so close that she could feel their breath mingling, and then he bowed his head, leaning in. She used the lapels of his coat to guide him forward, and his mouth touched hers. The kiss was soft, but that sense of connection was still there and she felt a rush of warmth from her fingertips to her toes.
But there were too many other, stronger emotions and she broke away quickly. "Will…"
To Beth's total and utter embarrassment, tears welled up in her eyes before she could say anything more, and she started crying in earnest. After a moment, she hastily wiped the tears away with her sleeve and then was suddenly overcome by a fit of the giggles. When she chanced a look at Will, his eyes were as wide as she'd ever seen them, and she couldn't blame him. The first time they'd kissed, she'd broken it off to have a yelling match with him, and now she had broken it off to cry. He had to think she was totally bonkers.
"Oh god, I have no idea what's wrong with me," Beth mumbled, still fighting off her giggles. She closed her eyes for a long moment, trying to regain control of herself. "I'm sorry," she finally said, quietly. "This is your last night, and I've just—just completely ruined everything about it."
She opened her eyes to see Will give a slight shrug, the corner of his mouth quirking up. "Not quite."
Beth wrung her hands and transferred her weight from one foot to the other, nervously. "I just don't know how to deal with everything about Lydia. I don't know what to do, or what…" Beth trailed off, looking at Will. She was suddenly breathing quickly. She didn't know what she wanted from him, but she couldn't tell him that. She clenched her fists in frustration.
He seemed to understand anyway and looked down at the sidewalk for a moment. "It's okay; I understand. You should get some rest." His tone was resigned.
Beth bit her lip, feeling like crying again, but she nodded. "I—good luck in New York," she finished lamely, and even saying that her voice had a tremor.
"Thanks. Goodbye, Beth," he said after a moment.
"Goodbye," she said quietly. She waited anxiously for something more to happen, but after a few seconds he only nodded his head before heading back in the direction of the parking lot. Beth watched him get further and further away, a wave of panic welling inside of her. Why had she done that?
She had wanted him to kiss her, but she was so overwhelmed. Now he was gone, his car pulling out onto the street, taillights glowing red in the night. The thought of his return in February didn't feel comforting. On any other night...it would have been different, she told herself. But a nagging feeling told her that this had been the only chance, and it was gone. She finally went inside, feeling more dejected than she had at the party.
Marianne looked up in surprise as Beth walked into the room.
"What are you doing back so early? I thought you were going to the party?"
"I did. Now I'm back," she said simply. She couldn't talk about any of what had happened.
"How did it go?" Marianne asked excitedly, waggling her eyebrows.
Beth shook her head slightly. She couldn't think about it; it would drive her crazy. "Nothing happened."
"You're kidding me! I was so—"
"Marianne," Beth interrupted, hating what she was about to do. She'd forgotten about John, but the sight of Marianne had brought it all back. She wished she were anywhere else, doing any other thing. "I saw something tonight that I need to tell you about. John was at the party with another girl. They were...kissing," she finally finished, miserably.
"What are you talking about? He called and told me he was sick and couldn't go out tonight."
Beth shrugged her shoulders, holding out her hands. "He was at the party. I saw him dancing and—and kissing another girl…"
Marianne stared for a full 30 seconds, eyebrows furrowed and mouth agape. "That can't be right," she finally said.
"I know he wasn't technically your boyfriend, but maybe-"
Marianne interrupted. "That label is irrelevant! I told you; what we have is so..." she searched for the right word. "Special. He would never do anything like that," Marianne said with confidence, staring at one tile on the floor without seeing it, seeming to picture John.
"Did you...talk about being exclusive?" Beth asked very slowly, trying to keep her tone calm as Marianne became more and more distraught.
"We didn't have to!" Marianne's eyes moved to meet Beth's. "He would never do that to me," she said firmly. "It must have been someone else."
Beth didn't know what to say. She knew what she'd seen. "Marianne...I saw him..."
"Listen, I'm sorry that things didn't work out between you and Will, but it wasn't John. I know it wasn't. You're wrong."
Beth stared at her, flabbergasted, her mouth hanging open. She'd never imagined she'd have to convince Marianne of what she'd seen. Beth knew that Marianne wasn't the right person to take out her frustrations from the evening on, but she couldn't stop herself. "Call him up then and ask where he is, if I'm such a liar," she spat out. "But don't be surprised if he's too busy partying to pick up his phone."
Marianne glared. "I don't have to call him. I trust him."
"Come on!"
"You've never been supportive of my relationship with John. Is this some dumb trick to get me to break up with him and go out with that stupid friend of yours?"
Beth narrowed her eyes. "Now you're being ridiculous."
"No, you are." Marianne said and walked out, slamming the door behind her.
With a yell of frustration, Beth grabbed the nearest pillow and threw it as hard as she could at the door. With a soft thud, it nailed the door squarely in the center and fell with a plop to the floor. On top of everything else, she was in a fight with Marianne. She sank down on her chair, suddenly exhausted, fighting the urge to cry again.