Turn My 6's to 9's

Chapter 15: No less brittle than beautiful

Jane led Beth forward into Lydia's hospital room, and Beth's stomach gave an unpleasant twinge at the sight of her younger sister, so small and pale beneath the blankets. Lydia stirred as they entered, but she didn't fully wake. The room was devoid of all personal touches with blank yellowish walls and a strong smell of disinfectant. The fluorescent lights overhead made everyone look washed out. The room was not inviting, and Beth could understand why so many people didn't like hospitals. She'd wanted to leave as soon as they'd gotten there.

"Whatever they gave her completely knocked her out. She's been asleep for most of the day," Jane said quietly. There were dark circles beneath her eyes that seemed to swallow them entirely, and her lips were pale; Beth had never seen anyone who looked so unhealthy. Lydia was too thin beneath the covers of the bed. She really did look close to death, and the sight disturbed Beth deeply.

She heard voices from the hallway and turned to see her parents, mid-conversation with Lydia's doctor.

"—not usually an opening. However, it's truly one of the best in the country and a wonderful opportunity. You're very fortunate."

"Yes, of course," Beth's father said seriously. Beth noticed that both he and her mother were holding a pamphlet in their hands. "We'll make the arrangements."

The doctor excused herself, and Beth made her presence known.

"Hello dear," her mother said, pulling Beth into a hug. "Seeing my poor baby like this…" Her eyes welled with tears, and she shoved the pamphlet into Beth's hands before rushing forward into the room to dote on the sleeping Lydia, tucking her in.

Beth looked down at the pamphlet. The glossy front page showed a pretty compound with several brick buildings and a garden of flowers. "The Anne Wentworth rehabilitation clinic," Beth read to herself. The photos were nice. She could imagine resting there in the beautiful gardens and recuperating and emerging an entirely new person. Even better, it was just outside of D.C. and relatively close to their home. Beth wondered what stroke of luck had made it this easy for her family to get Lydia into such a nice facility.

No one had much to say. Her mother worried endlessly over Lydia's sleeping body, and Beth found herself irrationally annoyed by it. Jane sat stiffly in one of the chairs by the door. They stayed for some time, but once it became clear that Lydia wasn't going to be waking any time soon, Jane offered to take Beth home so they could eat dinner.

Back in her room, she rubbed her temples tiredly; she could feel a headache building behind her eyes. She was remembering Anna dancing the night before and how kind she had been to teach Beth the steps. She'd been the reason that Beth and Will had been dancing at all. Beth felt a sudden sensation of regret, remembering how the night had ended with Will. What a giant mess it all turned out to be, and all because of Jamie and Lydia.

She couldn't stop thinking about her fight with Marianne either. She hadn't realized how much her friendship had meant until it had gone off the rails. They ate meals together and talked every night before bed. Why hadn't Marianne believed her? Was this how Will had felt when she'd said all those things about Jamie? No wonder he had written her the facebook message; it felt terrible to be misunderstood! She'd picked up her phone a thousand times, but she didn't know what to write. She'd seen John kissing another woman. She couldn't apologize for that, and she couldn't go back in time and not tell Marianne about it. She'd thought she was being a good friend. But Marianne had chosen her boyfriend over Beth, and that stung. Alone in her childhood bed, Beth tried not to cry but it was a losing battle. Beth didn't want to be in a fight anymore; she wanted her friend back.

And though she kept them down for self-preservation, a few thoughts of Will ran through her head: his eyes as he'd dipped her on the dance floor, the feel of his hand on her back as they slow danced, the way he'd bent his head to kiss her so lightly...

She wished that had gone differently too…

The air bit at Beth's face, and she tugged her coat closer, reaching into her pocket for a pair of gloves. Frost covered the trees and the grounds, making everything alive with sparkles and light. The sky was the palest blue with only a few wispy clouds in the air, and the sun seemed weaker than normal, doing nothing to relieve the chill of the air. Beth wondered why she had chosen a school in New England; the weather was 20 degrees warmer in D.C. when she left that morning.

Her break had passed much too quickly. Christmas had been a sad affair as they'd all been in the middle of helping Lydia transition to the clinic. Then in a blink it was New Year's, which she had spent quietly at home with Jane and Charles. She'd secretly hoped that Will might send her another message on Facebook or find her number through another source, but he hadn't. She'd received texts from other friends, but none from him and none from Marianne. She'd watched as Jane and Charles kissed sweetly at midnight all while feigning cheer and good spirits, recalling the very brief kiss with Will before he left.

What she'd denied in the summer had become more and more apparent to her over break: she really did like him. She wouldn't have minded kissing him on New Year's. But he was in New York for his internship, and it would be weeks and weeks before she'd see him again.

Beth welcomed the blast of hot air that reached her as she entered the dorm, feeling a sense of happiness at the familiar sight. She was excited to be back and to have a new start. She stood outside her door for a moment, taking a deep breath. Now she'd learn if Marianne was feeling any differently. They hadn't talked at all over the winter break. She cautiously entered her room.

"Hey," Beth said, as she dragged in her suitcase. "It's like the arctic circle out there."

Marianne nodded before turning back to her computer.

"Speaking of freezing…" Beth muttered under her breath as she heaved her bag onto her bed. She felt a crushing sense of disappointment, dreading the idea of spending the rest of the year with a roommate who wouldn't talk to her. "Marianne," Beth said after half an hour passed and she couldn't take it anymore. "We need to talk about this."

Marianne stiffened but didn't turn around. "I don't see why."

"Come on."

"I talked to him. He told me he was sick, and I believe him. I appreciate that you told me, and I know that you think you saw what you saw, but you must have been mistaken. It wasn't him."

Beth clenched her jaw and bit back a reply. "Fine," she sighed. "Believe whatever you want." That was not how she had wanted her first exchange with Marianne to go. Beth wondered whether she would have believed Marianne had the situation been reversed, and the only answer she could come up with was yes. This made it all the more difficult to understand why Marianne had chosen her boyfriend instead. Beth sighed miserably and started to unpack her bag.

As Beth walked to her first class of the new semester, she felt—different. Older. She knew where everything was, for one thing. She also knew what to expect from her classes. She was no longer the lost little freshman from first semester. How strange to think that all of the classes from the month before were over, and that she'd never have some of those professors ever again. She was still used to high school where the teacher was the same for the entire year. It was nice to be able to start a totally new subject. She'd decided on a class about ancient Rome for her winter term. She'd heard that everyone in the class got to pick a historical figure from that time, and they would role play at the end of the semester. Beth couldn't think of a better or more fun way to get a Gen Ed out of the way.

The class was small for Pemberley; only about 20 students, and she chose a seat next to a blonde woman that she didn't know. Beth had tried to make new friends in all her classes. She turned in her seat as Beth sat and flashed a friendly smile. Her teeth were white, Beth noticed. Perfectly straight and movie star white. Her long hair had beautiful highlights of varying shades, and it was either natural or a very expensive dye job. Beth suddenly felt intimidated but forced herself to smile back. She was trying not to be so judgmental anymore; trying to be a nicer person. Plus, without Marianne, she was in the market for a new friend.

"I don't think we've met; I'm Emma Woodhouse." Her voice was friendly, feminine, and chirpy. In a way, she reminded Beth of Jane, and thinking of her sister made her suddenly feel more at ease. She told Emma her name.

"Are you a history major?"

Beth shook her head and Emma nodded. "I was going to say...I thought I knew all the new majors, so I'm glad I didn't miss one. I'm a senior," she added confidently. "This class should be really fun." She stretched out her legs, getting comfortable for class, and Beth noticed that she was wearing expensive heels that coordinated artfully with her earrings. Heels, in January, in Massachusetts...

But she didn't have time to say anything else as the professor had started class.

She found herself walking next to Emma as the class ended, and they made friendly chit-chat. Most of the students Beth knew had dressed up for the first week of classes and then switched to sweatpants. Beth couldn't imagine Emma ever wearing something so inelegant. She had on slim black pants and a simple white button up, hidden now under a stylish wool coat. The heels completed the outfit, and Beth could tell that she was used to walking in them. She seemed so sophisticated.

And she was popular, Beth learned very quickly. They were constantly interrupted as people said hello to Emma. Freshmen, seniors, men, women; it seemed like Emma knew everyone. And she certainly knew all the gossip.

"She's been cheating on her long-distance boyfriend all year," Emma murmured quietly as they walked out of earshot of the girl. She waggled her eyebrows and mimed a shocked expression to Beth a moment later. "It's scandalous."

This person was an un-diagnosed alcoholic, that person was the best cook of the entire senior class, this person was someone she had made out with freshman year and then never spoken to again (here she breezed by him with utmost nonchalance): Emma seemed to know something about everyone.

"I'm turning left here," Emma said cheerfully as they came to a division in the sidewalk. "I'll see you in class on Wednesday. Can't wait to get to know more about you!" She said the last bit as she turned to walk away, and Beth had no doubt it was true. She'd met the reigning gossip of Pemberley. She also wondered how much Emma had already heard about her. There had been that rumor about her and Will after the party...

She shook the thought away. Not thinking about Will was much harder once she was back at school. She kept expecting to run into him. She hadn't realized how often that had happened until it didn't anymore. But with him gone for the winter term, at least any of that gossip about them would die down. It was the one silver lining.

Beth sat rubbing her temples. The whistling wind was making it impossible to study. A month into the new term, and they were approaching the last two weeks of class. She had to get ready for the upcoming test. She gave up for the moment; she couldn't pay attention with the blizzard outside. She felt bored but somehow stressed at the same time. It wasn't a good combination.

She looked over to Marianne's side of the room with a twinge of regret. If they had still been talking, Beth would have asked her to go out for a coffee. But the weeks had passed, and Beth's attempts to make up proved futile. Eventually she gave up. She and Marianne hardly spoke to each other.

Marianne had left half an hour earlier saying vaguely that she was going out. Beth assumed she was going to John's. She sighed and looked at her phone, thinking about calling Emma. They had formed a friendship as the weeks had gone by, talking before and after class. They were planning to study together in a few days, but they'd never hung out socially before. Beth decided there wasn't any harm in asking.

But Emma was excited. "Absolutely!" she said, her voice alight with happiness. And she suggested a coffee shop just off campus where Beth could meet her. It would be a short, but cold walk. Beth wore a sweater with a fleece under her winter coat, plus a big knit hat and her gloves. She knew she wouldn't look as put together as whatever Emma would be wearing, but she'd be warm on the way there and home.

The windows of the coffee shop were fogged, and Beth could see how red her cheeks were in the reflection from a mirror on the wall. Emma waved her over to a small table, and Beth was surprised to see that even she had on a pair of boots. They were fashionable and lined with faux fur, but Beth had never seen her in anything but heels.

"I was excited you called. The thought of doing more work was making me want to gouge my eyes out," Emma said with characteristic drama. With a perfectly manicured hand, she flipped her long, honey-blonde hair over her shoulder. "They have a peppermint latte today; it's pretty good," she added after taking a prim sip. Beth waited in the short line to order, taking her seat by Emma again in just a few minutes. Emma was in the middle of waving to a couple of fellow students leaving the cafe.

"There goes Ava," she said with a smile. "Will Darcy's ex girlfriend," she added after a moment, her brown eyes watching Beth carefully. Without thinking, Beth turned in her chair to see who she was. The two girls were walking out the door and wearing as many layers as Beth, so it was hard to see. But Beth caught a glimpse of wavy platinum hair under a navy hat with a pom-pom and a pretty, vivacious smile. She stopped herself from craning her neck to see more, realizing that Emma was certainly observing her reaction.

Emma's eyes were tilted wickedly as she continued talking. "They were a really big deal my sophomore year. They both played lacrosse, so they were like this adorable, sporty couple."

Blonde and sporty, Beth thought. Great.

"What happened?" Beth asked with interest. After all, what was the point in being friends with the gossip queen of Pemberley if she couldn't leverage it in her favor every now and then.

"They were mismatched," Emma said knowingly and without hesitation, as though she had just been waiting for Beth to ask. "He's a pretty serious guy, you know. Thoughtful. I had a class with him last year and he's really smart. Ava...not so much. She's the sweetest girl, but not a big thinker, I'll put it that way. Lacrosse was the only thing they had in common, and that's not much." After a pause where she gave Beth a sly look, Emma continued. "Honestly, I think you two would be a much better couple, if the rumors are true." She took another sip of her drink while Beth blinked and blushed in surprise, her mouth falling open. "Come on, I've been dying to know. You should be amazed I even waited this long to ask!"

So Emma had heard the rumor; of course she had. Beth shook her head, but she was smiling. "We're not together."

"Hmm," was all Emma replied, her tone disbelieving. She looked at Beth intently.

"We're really not!"

"But you want to be?"

Beth hesitated. Emma was her friend, but she was also the biggest gossip on campus. If it somehow got around to Will that she was talking about him-

"Oh my god, I promise I won't tell anyone," Emma said dramatically. "Scout's honor." She held up three fingers dutifully, amusement glinting from her eyes.

Feeling reckless, Beth found herself responding with a silly smile on her face. "Sure, I would not say no to a date..."

"Nobody in their right mind would."

The walk back to campus was chilly. The sun had set, and only a few early stars were visible in the sky. Beth couldn't wait to get into the warmth of her dorm room. From about 10 yards away, she could see someone sitting on the bench outside of the dorm. Whoever it was wasn't wearing a coat, and that was downright crazy. Worse, from this far away it almost looked like Marianne. They had a slight build, and as she got closer, she could see that the hair was red. Her heart was starting to pound, and Beth realized that it was her roommate. What was she doing, sitting like that outside in the cold?

"Are you all right? Why aren't you wearing a coat?"

Marianne didn't answer. She sat, her lips slightly blue, staring into the distance. After a moment she finally seemed to focus on Beth "You were right," she whispered, and tears leaked down her face.

They needed to get inside immediately. Then Beth would be able to figure out what was going on. Marianne moved slowly from the bench, her teeth chattering so hard that her whole head shook. She walked Marianne to the elevator, jamming the buttons. When they got to the room, she grabbed the nearest towels that she could find as she rushed Marianne off to the showers.

She couldn't tell how long Marianne had been sitting outside without her coat, but she hoped Marianne was in emotional shock rather than really ill. She helped get the water started and then waited just outside the shower until Marianne's color returned and she seemed lucid. Then Beth went to the room for a mug and a bag of tea. She had to run down to the common room to use the microwave. It felt like the longest minutes of her life as she waited for the water to heat up, wondering and wondering what could have happened.

Marianne was buried under the covers in her bed when Beth re-entered the room.

"Good. I was going to tell you to do that anyway. Here's some tea." Her cheeks were rosy, and her lips had returned to their normal color again, Beth noted. That was an enormous relief, and she felt herself relax for the first time since she'd seen Marianne outside. She climbed a few rungs on her ladder and sat so that she'd be closer to eye level with Marianne in the loft.

Marianne smiled feebly. "I don't know how to thank you enough." She began crying again, and Beth could hardly make out the words. "I'm so embarrassed! And I was such a bad friend. I'm so, so sorry Beth."

Beth had been waiting for an apology all winter term, but to get one like this, where her friend was so obviously distraught and hurt took all the pleasure out of it. She found that she couldn't hold anything against Marianne, especially not when she was this vulnerable.

"I forgive you. Just don't ever scare me like that again." Beth paused. "Do you want to talk about what happened?"

Marianne sighed deeply, taking the first sip from her tea. "Why not? It's all so stupid anyway. I went over to his apartment to surprise him. I thought we could go out, but when I got there no one answered. John's door is always unlocked, so I went in." She rubbed her eye angrily. "I saw him in—in bed with another girl, and I ran. I wasn't thinking straight. I think I left my coat there." Marianne looked down at her hands. "I'm so sorry. I should have listened to you." Marianne looked up. "You really forgive me, right?"

Beth reached over to hold her hand. One look at Marianne, so small, pale, and miserable and what else could she do. "Of course I do. I'll even let you plead temporary insanity."

Marianne's expression wobbled, and she broke into fresh tears. "I loved him. I really did. How could he do that? Why wasn't I enough?"

"Don't think like that. You didn't do anything wrong," Beth consoled, climbing up into Marianne's loft. It was hurting her to see Marianne in so much pain. Marianne managed a feeble nod, reached up to clasp Beth's hand, and continued to sob. Beth could only stroke her hair and murmur encouragements.

What she'd hoped was just the initial shock of finding out about John never seemed to pass. Instead, as the first week went on, and then the second, Beth was dismayed to find that Marianne was not improving. She wouldn't eat, she wouldn't bathe, she wouldn't go to class, and she slept fitfully. Beth didn't know what to do.

"Marianne," she pleaded. "You've got to go to class. You'll fail out if you don't."

Marianne had been staring blankly into space, but she turned to Beth. "I have a friend taking notes for me. I can't be in class right now. Would you mind picking up the notes for me? I told Emma to meet you at lunch today if that works."

The notes were coming from Emma's roommate, Harriet, and Beth reluctantly agreed, hoping this would at least prevent Marianne from failing. She didn't know what she would do next year if she couldn't room with Marianne!

Beth scanned the benches outside the dining hall, looking for Emma. Sitting with her long legs crossed, her foot bouncing in its stylish high-heeled boot, a jaunty hat on her hair, she looked like a winter fashion ad for some chic clothing company. Emma stood as Beth approached and gave her a big hug.

"This thing with Marianne is awful, isn't it?" she said, a frown marring her pretty face. Beth had to agree; it had not been a pleasant experience for anyone involved.

Emma was digging through her Gucci purse, moving objects aside and out of the way. Finding what she was looking for, she handed the notes over to Beth. "Here." Then she ruffled through her purse again until she found some lip gloss. "I'm starving. Let's go somewhere for lunch. Daddy gave me the credit card, so it's all on me."

Beth's eyebrows had risen up at the words 'Daddy' and 'credit card', but she had bit back on saying anything. Emma was spoiled and rich, yes, but she was also a genuinely good person. Beth just had to let the moments go where Emma unconsciously flaunted money. They settled on the student-run café. Emma, however, was immediately distracted: Grant Knightley was sitting at one of the nearby tables reading a book.

She stopped abruptly. "Look! There's Knightley." She sounded happily surprised. "Go ahead and order, Beth. I'll order in a minute; I've got to talk to him."

Beth watched as Emma sauntered over to the table, a definite swing in her hips. He stiffened as she leaned over his shoulder to see what he was reading, and her long hair obscured them from view.

Beth knew the cashier from her English class the previous semester. He was quiet and bookish-looking with his glasses. They exchanged hellos as she ordered, and then Emma joined her a minute later, sitting down with a huff. "Sometimes that boy drives me completely insane," Emma said, her eyes on Grant as he left the café. "Acting like he's always right…"

Beth began to eat her food, but Emma's attention was still diverted, this time toward the cashier.

"What do you think of Rob Martin?" she finally asked.

Beth blinked. What was she supposed to say? She hadn't ever thought about Rob Martin before. "Umm," she began inarticulately, and Emma nodded.

"That's how I feel too. But my roommate is completely stuck on him." She rolled her eyes. "She could at least pick somebody worth drooling over, like John Willoughby. He's a bastard, for sure, but no wonder Marianne lost her head over him. If Harriet was obsessed with him, then at least I'd understand." She gave Beth a wicked look before she continued. "Or Will Darcy. That boy is sex on legs…but then, you probably know more about that than I do."

Beth's mouth dropped open in feigned outrage, but, as she was in the middle of swallowing a bite of her sandwich, she couldn't say anything. Now that Emma knew her feelings, she never passed up an opportunity to tease Beth. Giving her a wink, Emma smiled. "Now, enough talk about that." She effortlessly changed the subject, smiling sympathetically and placing her hand over Beth's. "How is Marianne doing?"

Beth threw the notes onto Marianne's desk as she entered their room and flopped onto her bed, riffling through the mail she had picked up on her way back from lunch. A letter addressed to her from Lydia caught her eye, and she quickly opened it.

Beth,

We're supposed to write these "in an effort to improve our communication skills with our friends and loved ones", but it seems like a load of bull to me. Obviously, the nurses here haven't seen my phone bill, or they would know how freaking good I am at communicating.

But some parts of rehab totally rock. They let you eat whenever you want. And two days a week I go to this sauna thing; I think they're trying to sweat all the leftover coke out of me. There's this recovering alcoholic here who's totally hot, too. Wish me luck with him!

Luv,

Lydia

Beth cringed. Lydia hadn't realized repercussions of her actions. Beth hoped that someday she would understand what she had put them all through, but for now, she was still just a silly 16 year old girl.