SoS: Bet you didn't expect me to be back so soon. Hah!
Erk: A miracle!
SoS: Hehehehe. More insanity resumes! Ye be warned!
How to Win Soldiers and Influence Armies
Lesson 1
Salrin listened carefully at Erk and Yvette's plea for help. He smiled.
"So let me get this straight… you want me to turn her into a Master Tactician, in how much time?" He asked.
"Four weeks," Yvette said. At this Salrin looked at Erk, then back to Yvette and then started laughing hysterically. They looked at each other and shrugged while the tactician laughed his head off.
"…oh my god, I can't breathe…" He said, clutching his stomach. "…hehehe, ok. Just to let you know, it can't be done in that amount of time."
"Well then, how long will it take?"
"Depends on how quickly you pick up things."
"Ok… so how long did it take you?"
Salrin smiled. "I was actually among the fastest ever to become a Master Tactician. It took me… about 10 years…"
At this, Erk and Yvette bolted upright.
"10 years! And you were one of the fastest!" Erk exclaimed.
"Oh jeez… I don't think I can wait ten years for this…"
Salrin just chuckled. "Well, I can help you get through with it as quickly as possible. You see, I have a few connections around the Tactician's Guild and I guess I can get you some of the best teachers around…"
"Will it go any faster?"
"Well… no."
"Crap."
"But it will get you the best training around. That's the best I can do. Now, I have to visit the Tactician Council for some… business. And I can take you along too." He smiled.
"Meh, it's the best I can do. Let's go." She said disappointedly
"Can I come?" Erk asked.
"Sure. I guess I can't split you two lovers apart, now can I?" Salrin chuckled but immediately regretted it. At the same time, Erk and Yvette socked him in the face, giving him a bloody nose.
AT THE TACTICIAN'S COUNCIL
Erk and Yvette looked around with bug eyes at the futuristic Tactician's Guild. Everything was chrome and shiny. Salrin walked down the pathway as if it was his own house. They were greeted by person who was wearing strange-looking robes and had his head buried in a novel called Dragonlance. Salrin greeted him warmly.
"Chris! It's been far too long! And I like the robes." He said, smiling.
"Thanks. So, what are you doing here at the Tactician's Guild?"
"I have a request to the Council. When are you open?"
"Ahh, well, we're open now. We just finished debating a case of a tactician who got her cat stuck up a tree. Follow me please…" He said and beckoned them to follow. Salrin chuckled again and Erk and Yvette followed.
They were led through a long hallway filled with people walking around, looking important. After an eternity, they finally reached a large double door. Chris took out a key from his pocket and unlocked them and walked inside.
Yvette was scared. These people would decide whether or not she was to become a real tactician. Inside there was a cozy room with 11 people lounging about on large chairs, but four of chairs were empty. When they walked in, they immediately became alert. The person in the center took out a walking staff and leaned heavily on it, though he was very young. Then he spoke in an old, feeble voice.
"Come, Master Salrin has. Business, he brings. Speak, you will." He said and sat down. Yvette looked at Chris questioningly. He understood.
"That is Master Tactician Max. He founded the Tactician Council and fashioned it after the Jedi Council in Star Wars. He thinks he's the next Master Yoda." He whispered. Erk shushed them quickly. Salrin spoke next.
"Master Max, I request training for a young girl who aspires to be a tactician. I also request training from Tacticians from the Hall of Fame!" This sent a hubbub throughout the people on the council.
"Preposterous. The very thought of a Hall of Famer Teaching a trainee!" One of them said.
"I am afraid you have no choice." Salrin said coolly. "If you deny this girl training, I will be forced to put each and every one of you in a stranglehold until you reconsider."
Silence ensued.
"A vice-like grip, Master Salrin has." Max had stood up and was once again leaning heavily on his staff. He stroked his chin. "Very well, bring the girl before us."
Salrin smiled and pushed Yvette forward. The councilors took some time to survey the girl, making her shift uncomfortably.
"Shaking, you are. Scared, are you?"
"…No, I wish you would stop looking at me like that you perverts!"
Everyone was taken aback.
"See through you, we can." Max said. Yvette squeaked and covered her body.
"N-no, not like that, like we can sense your feelings," Chris said. Yvette blushed and muttered an apology.
"Ph34r is the path to the dark side!" Max said and pointed a crooked finger at her. All of the councilors suddenly groaned.
"Oh no… he's at it again…" Chris sighed.
"ph34r leads to anger!" Max's voice was getting a bit louder
"Master Max!"
"Anger leads to hate!"
"Master Max! Please!"
"Hate leads to suffering!"
"MASTER MAX!"
"I sense much ph34r in you!" Max concluded before finally listening to Chris.
"Master Max, there is no dark side in tactics…" He said.
"Oh. Ahem. Yes. My apologies. Carried away, I get." All of the councilors covered their faces in embarrassment. "Yes. The Council will decide the matter in private." Max said, trying to change the subject. Salrin ushered Erk and Yvette out.
"Well, that was weird." Erk said flatly. Salrin smiled when he noticed Yvette was shaking.
"There's no need to be scared, Yvette."
"It's not that… its just… DID YOU SEE THE WAY THOSE PERVERTS WERE LOOKING AT ME? OOH WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON THEM…" She exploded.
"Don't worry! Nothing will come between you and your training, I promise! And no matter what hardship, no matter what distractions, I will be by your side! This I prom… Ooh, bananas!" Salrin quickly strode over, ate a banana, and came back. "Like I was saying, nothing will stop me from being by your side!" Just then, another tactician came up to them.
"Salrin, is that you? Good. Anyways, I came up with the best plan we have yet! This time, instead of a Rabid Fangirl army to attack Etruria, we'll grab ourselves an army of Evil Demon Ducklings and attack Bern! They will never suspect it!" He finished with an evil laugh.
"Enem, I'm kind of busy- wait, did you say demon ducklings? Show me…" He stalked off with Enem while he told Salrin of the plan. Erk and Yvette just looked on confusedly. Chris exlained.
"That's Master Enem. He and Salrin have been planning to take over Elibe since, oh, kindergarten…"
"Oh…" Just then, a messenger came in telling them the council had made their decision. They went back in quickly, curious at what the council's answer would be.
Master Max was bending on his staff more than ever as he spoke.
"The Council of Tacticians has hereby granted thee, Yvette Ramirez, rights to be trained by Hall of Fame Tacticians. Chris, your first teacher will be. Now, free to go, you are." He said and he sat down. Yvette looked excitedly at Chris.
"You are a Hall of Fame tactician?"
"Well, yes, didn't you know that? Salrin is too."
"Wow… I, Yvette Ramirez, will promise to become a Hall of Fame Tactician in 10 years!" Then, the entire council was rolling on the floor laughing. Chris sweatdropped and pushed Yvette out of the room.
They were warped back to Elibe. Chris took a deep breath and looked behind at Erk.
"You know, you are a level 20/18 Sage, Erk, it wouldn't be fair for you to be with Yvette on this journey."
Erk was beside himself. "What? I'm not leaving her alone on this!" He squeezed her hand affectionately and she cuddled next to him.
"Nah, you don't have to leave, you just can't fight. Do you understand?" Chris said. Erk nodded. "Good! Now, for Yvette, we will start a new game." Chris started pushing buttons on his laptop. "We won't have Erk join your party, because that would be creepy to have two Erks around, both fighting over Yvette, And, here we go!"
Suddenly, they were transported to Pherae. But it just wasn't any other day. Lord Eliwood was leaving to look for his missing father. It was Chapter 1 of Eliwood's story.
Yvette was liking her new robes. Chris was standing beside her.
"Ok, Yvette, lets see what you can do. Do you know how to command troops?"
"I sure do! Watch! HEY ELIWOOD!" She shrieked. "GET ME SOME LEMONADE OVER HERE, PRONTO!" Eliwood yelped, and quickly got her lemonade. "Like that?"
"Er… not quite… Like asking somebody kill an enemy… Here, let me show you. Rebecca! Fire bow at Alpha sector 3.4.4.9 at Bandit Class C! Lowen! Follow up with a Sword slash at Gamma sector 6.2.8.7 also at Bandit Class C! Execute!"
"Yes sir!" Lowen and Rebecca said at the same time and slaughtered the first Bandit with an arrow and a sword stroke. Yvette didn't notice her mouth hanging wide open.
"Now you try."
"Umm… right… Eliwood, attack uh Class X Bandit umm order 9.1?" Eliwood looked at her suspiciously, but shrugged and attacked a tree. His sword got stuck in it and everybody watched as he struggled to get it out.
"…ok… maybe I came down a bit hard with the Tactics Lingo. You'll pick it up eventually. Ok, lets start at the very beginning. First, remember we are playing Eliwood's story. Can you remember that?"
Yvette shrugged. "Easy enough. Ok, I got it."
"Good, now who's story are we playing?"
"Ummm…. Karel's?"
"…there is no Karel's story…"
"Hold on, umm… Bartre's?"
"No…"
"Don't tell me, Don't tell me… Hector's?"
"Closer, but still no."
"Lyn's?"
"You're warm…"
"Florina's?"
"Cold…"
THREE HOURS LATER…
"Eliwoods?"
"FINALLY! Ok, each lord has it's own special weapon. Eliwood has a Rapier."
"What! He rapes people! Call the police!"
"No, that's the name of a sword! Ugh, this is going to be a long day…"
"Heehee…"
"Ok, weapons. There are Swords, Lances, Axes and Bows. Each has an Iron, Steel and Silver edition of each weapon…"
"Yeah, yeah, I know the basics."
"Good. Now tell Eliwood to kill that bandit over there."
"Why not Marcus?"
"He's an EXP hog."
"Oh… Ok… Eliwood, go kill that guy over there!"
Eliwood nodded, and gave one final heave and pulled the sword out of the tree. He then attacked the bandit.
"Oh shit, WAIT! TELL HIM TO STOP! THERE'S A MINE!" Chris yelled aloud. Yvette panicked and ran in front of Eliwood, on the spot where the mine was. "NO! YVETTE WATCH OUT!" Chris yelled and pushed her out of the way before getting caught in the explosion of the mine. He yelled in pain and felt his entire body numb over.
"No! Chris! Are you alright?" Yvette asked. Chris was crying.
"Aaah! I don't want to die! I'm too young!" he sobbed. Erk was over in a flash and healed him with Psychic.
"Chris! I healed you, you're fine now!" Erk said, but Chris couldn't hear him
"Noo! Why me! I'm too young to die!"
"Umm…Chris…"
"Aaah! I can see my life flash before my eyes!"
"Chris…"
"Not yet! I never told Angelina that I love her!"
"Chr- wait, what?"
"Erk… why aren't I dead yet! Why must I suffer?"
"Chris, you're not going to die."
"What?"
"I healed you"
"…Oh…"
"One question."
"Yeah?"
"Who's Angelina?" Erk smirked deviously. Chris blushed furiously.
"..umm.. give you 250 gold if you forget this ever happened…"
"Sold." Erk chuckled and Chris handed over the money. He smiled and counted his gold pieces.
"Ugh… why me… I have a feeling it's not over yet…"
TO BE CONTINUED.
SoS: Well, what did you think? Lots of humor, but only a little bit of romance, so sorry romance fans! Lots of humor next chapter when Charlie tries to teach Yvette! And REMEMBER, if you want to make an appearance, please contact me. Remember to review!
Reviews:
Random Dude: Thanks :D
Northernsword: Thanks for reviewing!
Nightmare3: BLOOD! Run! (Ducks for cover). Thanks for the review!
Mr. Charlie I'mtoolazytologin: Yeah! If Erk hurts her in any way, I will personally mutilate his nose!
Inferno-Hero: IT'S TACTICIAN MASTER MAX!
SoS: I told myself if I got 5 reviews, I would continue, and I got five. Woohoo! Bye everyone!