Sometimes, life races past us so fast that we forget what we were doing ten minutes ago, let ago ten days ago. Sometimes life moves so fast that we forget to be angry, forget to cry, forget our problems. Sometimes we are so wrapped up in the moment-to-moment existence that everything else seems so petty and small by comparison. The things that we once thought were the imposing issues in our lives are suddenly rendered irrelevant. It may take on single event for our lives to be turned so suddenly. It may be a death in the family or it may be the birth of the first grandchild. It may be an unexpected illness or it may be an unexpected remission. Whatever the reason, it serves to remind us that the things that we think are so huge and burdensome are, in the bigger scheme of things, merely inconveniences. Robert Fulghum once said: "A lump in the oatmeal, a lump in the throat and a lump in the breast are not the same lump. Learn to know the difference. Ask yourself: is this a problem, or an inconvenience?". Sometimes, when we are least expecting it, we see the bigger picture. We catch a glimpse of what really matters, and it changes the way we look at things. It can join us together, fighting for a common goal. The problems in life far outweigh the inconveniences.
It had been nearly a month since Grissom had driven Sara to an alcohol treatment center. She had gone willingly, though not without some more tears. Grissom had held her hand the entire drive there. He held her hand as they filled in the necessary forms. He held her hand until the nurse led her away to start the treatment that she so desperately needed. She had sensed in him the guilt that he carried over this, but also the unwavering support that he had for her. She had expected to see disappointment in his eyes, but that was the one emotion that had never come up. He never blamed her, never judged her. He had handled the entire situation poorly up until this point. He knew that he should have done things differently, but he refused to dwell on his own self-pity. The only thing that mattered was getting Sara better. He had apologized to her more than once in the last month, and she never hesitated to accept his apologies. As she checked herself into rehab, it all seemed incidental. In that moment, it didn't matter who had failed who. It didn't matter that Greg had betrayed her secret. All that mattered was that she was going to deal with the problem, head-on, for the first time. She had been terrified of checking in, but knew that it was the only way that things could get better. It is fine to be afraid of things in life, but it is not fine to be so afraid that one forgets to live. Sara knew that it was time for her to start living again.
As the days wore on, the team began to heal. It was strange that it would take the problem of one person's life to make them all realize that what they were calling "problems" were little more than inconveniences. Up until that moment, everything in their lives seemed so all encompassing. The totality of what was going wrong in their lives seemed so much greater than the sum of what was going right.
Greg had been harboring a bitterness about events that had happened a lifetime ago. He was hating the only people in his life whom he had ever felt remotely connected to, and he wasn't sure why anymore. In light of Sara's problems, it all seemed so ridiculous. Why hadn't he picked up the phone and tried to reach out to them? Why had he chosen isolation instead of integration? In retrospect, he understood that their reaction to the accident was no less then how he himself would have reacted. Had the tables been turned, he too would have jumped too quickly into believing an admission of guilt. Sure it had hurt him at the time, but was it really so completely inconceivable to him that their emotions would have manifested themselves in that manner? At the time, he could not see past his own hurt feelings to try and make sense of what everyone else must have been feeling. He had been deeply selfish in the way he handled the entire situation. He had decided that things weren't going his way, and he had picked up and left. It was all childish really. He had not handled everything with the grace of an adult; he had acted with the impunity of youth. Had he stuck around, he could have allowed time to pave the way to solving the problems. In the days and weeks following the accident, it would have been feasible to sit down with the team and have civilized, rational discussion about what was going on. Short of that, he could have at least talked to Grissom, Nick and Sara one on one, instead of hiding his fear behind a mask of misguided arrogance. It was an arrogance that he, and he alone, was the only one who ever had feelings of insecurity and inadequacy. Now, in the face of Sara's very real problem, everything he thought he had known made no sense to him. The certainty of his actions had given way to uncertainty about her future.
Grissom had been harboring feelings of failure and resentment. He saw the events of a year ago as his fault, and his alone. Somehow he believed that he had let everybody down, and as a result sent the lab spinning out of control. In his mind's eye, he was the reason that Greg and Sara had gone out drinking that night. Surely they wouldn't have acted that way if he had made life around the lab less stressful for them. And they never would have gotten into a car after drinking as they had done. He must have failed them by not giving them enough guidance and support. As for all of the hurt feelings and animosity, well that had to be his fault as well. He was the leader, the keeper of the keys. It was his responsibility to ensure a complete and total trust amongst the members of his team. He needed to keep the lines of communication open so that they could run like a finely oiled machine. In his haste to make the workplace as efficient as possible he had forgotten that work life inevitably spills over into real life. He failed to make sure that everyone's personal life was in place and secure. He couldn't meddle in their lives, but he should have seen that there was something amiss. He should have realized that vicious barbs and very real arguments were replacing the once friendly banter. Yet no, as he thought about Sara, he realized that those feelings of failure and resentment were misplaced. He had made mistakes but he was in no way the sole contributor to all of the problems that the team had suffered in the last year. He hadn't failed them back then. If anything, he was failing them now by assuming the role of the passive victim. He was so busy feeling sorry for himself that he was completely unable to take any sort of steps towards resolving the problem. In driving her towards rehab, he realized that he was also driving himself towards the sort of rehabilitation that he was in desperate need of. He was not only going to fix himself, he was going to fix the problems that had been plaguing the team for so many months.
Nick had been harboring feelings of animosity and betrayal. He had been hurt when Greg left and as the months passed, that hurt grew into anger. He was angry that his friend had been unwilling to put up a fight and stay in Vegas to work out the problems that he was having. He was angry that Greg had turned away from him so sharply. Nick had thought that he was angry with Greg but the more he thought about it, the more he realized that he was angry with himself. He should have been a better friend to the young man that he thought of as a brother. He had not forced Greg to leave but he felt like he had driven him away. If he had been a little more understanding, or a little more receptive, then maybe Greg wouldn't have felt the need to run. He had been so quick to judge Greg that he shouldn't have been surprised that Greg decided to leave. After Greg left, Nick came to realize that he was not the supportive, non-judgmental person that he had thought he was. He had acted in a way that was completely unbecoming of a friend. So instead of trying to reach out to his friend, he had sat back and let his hurt feelings consume him. He was supposed to be the compassionate one on the team, but he felt like he had failed miserably in that department. He spent so many hours and days being angry with Greg, and later being angry with himself that he didn't even realize that Sara had a problem. It wasn't until Grissom told him that he was aware that anything was amiss. In the days following the news, he found his perspective changing. Life was too short to spend on hurt feelings and blame. He had almost lost Greg and Sara once, and he was on the brink of losing them both again. He decided to count his blessings and make every step he could to repairing the fragile relationships that hung in the balance. He was lucky enough to get a second chance. He knew that no matter what the outcome, he had to say the things that needed to be said, because he might not get another chance to say them. The events of the last year, as well as the last few days taught him something. There may not always be another day to make things right with the people in your life.
The healing process still had yet to complete itself. Sara would have to decide if she would face the challenge of remaining sober. Greg would have to face the challenges of remaining in Vegas in spite of everything that had transpired. Grissom would have to face the challenges of remaining the fearless leader of this team. Nick and the rest would have to face the challenges of remaining supportive even through the toughest of times. There is no end to the story; it is cyclical and on going. Not one of them knew what the future might hold. They only knew that there had been a moment of clarity in the midst of a storm. They knew where they had been, but not where they were going to go. It was terrifying and agonizing but it had to be done. They could only move forward now. They had learned that living in the past was no longer an option. There was only now, and the many "now's" to follow. Where problems once stood, now only inconveniences remained. Perspective had shifted and for the first time, everyone was able to see things clearly. As the world continued to spin out of control around them, there at last seemed to be a sense of stability in their lives. Sometimes we can't control anything more than our own emotions. Sometimes life moves too fast for us to keep up. We can only hang on for dear life and pray that everything will be okay in the end. Sometimes it is and sometimes it isn't. We can do little more than congratulate ourselves when things go our way and console ourselves when things don't. We may think we are not ready for all of the obstacles and challenges in our path, but maybe we are more prepared than we are ever willing to give ourselves credit for. We can choose to bury our heads in the sand, or hang on as we move faster than the speed of life.
A/N – this is not how I pictured the story ending. This chapter became sort of a personal credo for me though. I am in a really scary time in my life, as I get ready to make that great, terrifying leap into adulthood. Everything in my world is changing so fast that sometimes I become overwhelmed. This chapter became my catharsis. Much of what I wrote is my way of dealing with the fear of what lies ahead of me. It may not be the ending the story deserves, but it stands as a reminder to me that sometimes things end up completely differently than we initially anticipated. And that's ok.