This fic used to be called Neal's Biscuits but we had to change the title to suit the upcoming events. This is co-written with edgy wedgy during maths class (practically all of it, but some was on the bus to camp), and this version has been modified to suit the rest of the chapters. The original can be found under edgy wedgy's name.

Note from me: we've had quite some mixed reactions from different road-testers for this story. One said she was proud of us for moving on to slash, happy molecule said she was appalled and this story is disturbing (even though she's read everything so far, down to the 21st page) and another friend said it was cute and Cleon was adorable. So, er, if you could tell us what you think, that would be greatly appreciated.

Enjoy (or not) – it's slashy!

*We don't own the characters. We own the depressing story we put them in*

________________________________________

Lust, Lies, and the Wrong Redhead

Chapter one

"Ouch", said Cleon, because he had just walked into a door.

He fell back onto the floor of his room and sat, rubbing his face and groaning. That door was so hard, so he decided to teach it a lesson by kicking it.

But all Cleon managed to accomplish was to get a sore foot.

"OW!!!" he cried, running around and jumping on one foot. "I hate you, stupid door!"

Then, he crashed into a wall, then the side of his bed, and his desk, and soon Cleon of Kennan was flying around in his room, bouncing off all the furniture. It hurt.

"NOOOOOOO!!!" he screamed. "What have I done to deserve this?"

Just then, Keladry entered the room.

"Hello, Cleon," she said.

Cleon ran to her and clung desperately onto her arm. "Please, please, you've got to help me, Kel!!! Help!" he cried.

"Er, alright…" replied Kel. "What do you want me to do?"

"You have to take me away!" He screamed "Take me away to the pond and throw me in! I need to be cleansed!"

Keladry stared, stunned. "What's going on, Cleon?"

Cleon looked up at her, fear liquified in his eyes. "They're after me." He said in a hoarse whisper.

Keladry shook her head. "Who… what? What's after you darling?"

Cleon only shook his head and pointed to the ceiling. "You mean the gods are angry at you?" she asked.

Cleon shook his head. "Them…" he whispered. Just then Nealan walked in.

"Hello Cleon!" he said cheerfully, slapping him on the back. "What is today for you?"

Cleon took one look at Neal and burst into tears.

Neal was alarmed. "Uh sorry Cleon, don't cry."

Cleon only cried harder. "I'm so sorry! Don't scare me anymore!" he wailed. Neal looked nervously at Kel. She shrugged.

"Ok, hey Cleon!" laughed Neal. "look, I have some biscuits! You want one?"

Cleon looked at the biscuits and stopped crying. "Bicky for me?"

"Yes, bicky for you! Good boy, stop crying now. That's right!"

Cleon giggled and drooled as he shoved the biscuit into his mouth.

Neal sighed, relieved. He and Kel took this chance to pull Cleon away, down the corridor and into Neal's room. They pushed him onto the bed and closed the door.

"So what's wrong with him?" Neal asked Kel quietly, watching Cleon, sitting on his bed and chewing enthusiastically.

"I have no idea," said Kel. "He said that 'they were out to get him', whoever 'they' are."

Cleon had looked like he was going to start crying again, upon finishing the biscuit,. Neal rushed to his side and placed a hand on his forehead, using the Gift to make him sleep. Then he went back and sat next to Kel.

"So…" he said.

"Yes." Said Kel. "I'll stay here to see if he's alright," she suggested.

"Good idea," replied Neal. "I'll stay with you."

They sat there for a while. And another while. And another.

"So…" Kel said finally. "What are we going to do?"

"I don't know…" replied Neal.

Silence.

Then they both started talking at once. "I love you Neal! I always have!" and "Kel, you're so beautiful, I'm always thinking about you."

Hearing this, they both turned away, embarrassed. Suddenly, they started making out madly.

Suddenly Cleon woke up. "Nooo!" he cried. "Kel, Neal! What are you doing?"

Kel and Neal stopped and giggled nervously.

Cleon fell to the floor grievously.

Suddenly Neal jumped up. "Let's all get married!"

"Uh… ok…" said Kel.

"No!" yelled Cleon. "I'm not sleeping in a bed with Neal! N-O!"

"Aw c'mon Cleon." Said Neal.

Cleon shook his head and crossed his arms. "No!"

"I'll give you twenty biscuits a day," Neal bribed.

Cleon narrowed his eyes . "I'll think about it," he promised.

But Kel was feeling a bit queer. Why did Neal want to marry Cleon so much? Didn't he love her?

Then Neal started performing a victory dance because he was going to get married and Cleon came over to Kel, who was sitting miserably by herself. He was chewing, obviously on the extra biscuits that Neal had given him.

"Hello, wife!"

Kel was disgusted. "Why aren't you dancing like Neal is?"

Cleon shrugged. "Eating and exercise is not a good combination."

_________________________________________

well, that was the end of the first chapter. I don't care if you hated it, you can read the second one anyway cos it has ROMANCE and SLASH!!! Everybody's friends!!! Hehehe… um… any flames may be submitted, but I don't pay any attention to them and they make my rating go up!