Disclamer: I don't own any of the Red Drawf crew, etc...apart from Kira, etc...
Ok people, this is my second Red Drawf fanfiction, hope you like it more than I do. (Oh and thanks to Josh for the Risk idea.)
The Reliant
Interruptions
Lister, Rimmer, The Cat & Kira were sat in the officer club playing poker, Kira had being a member of the crew for about 2 weeks and she felt more at home than she thought ever possible, she'd tried to help Holly repair some of his core systems, she had played AI games with Lister, helped Rimmer with his Esperanto, and all the while a growing difference was noted in the Cat as she and him became closer. Though the relationship was still platonic, which in a way surprised Cat because he felt in no rush to take things to another level, he was just happy to bask in the warm feelings he got when being around her.
After a few seconds his thoughts were penetrated by Lister's voice.
"Hey man, you going to raise the stakes or not?" The others looked expectantly in Cat's direction, he decided to bluff his way through it – try and convince the others he had being playing attention.
He opened his mouth to speak but was stopped by Holly, whose face had digitised on a nearby screen. "Emergency, there's an emergency going on… it's still going on."
"What is it Holly?" Sighed Lister as everyone through down their cards onto the table.
"There's something on the scanners Dave, thought you might want to take a look." His face froze for a second, then the screen went black.
"Hey Rimmer it might be your quagaars, then again it might just be a rock, or maybe it's the chicken's family come to baste you." Lister laughed despite knowing the joke was lame, he stood up grabbed his hat and a beer and left the room, closely by Rimmer who wanted to have another attempt at winning an argument –
"Shut up you goit, how was I supposed to know it was a smegging garbage pod? I mean…"
Cat and Kira listened as the voices faded away down the corridor,
"what's that all about?" Kira asked puzzled.
"Great story babe, but we better save it for another time and catch up, I can't wait to see how they mess up this time." Kira smiled at Cat's ability to seem unfazed by anything. Well almost anything, Kira thought, thinking back to how they had met back on Red Drawf 3 million years ago.
Cat grabbed Kira's hand and they ran down the corridor after the others.
Derelict
"So what is it Hol?" Lister asked a few minutes later as he opened his can and dug into the curry he'd got from a nearby vending machine.
"It's a derelict ship Dave, I've tried to make contact with the ship's computer, but it's either non-operational or ignoring us for some reason, hang on a mo –" Holly's face disappeared, and reappeared a few seconds later. "Nope, it's still not responding."
"Any life forms aboard?" Asked Rimmer in anticipation for news of a superior race. He was sure of their existence, whatever Lister thought.
"Scans reveal no life signatures Arnold." Holly said in his usual monotonous tone
"Smeg."
"So should we go exploring or what?" Questioned Kira hopefully looking forward to getting off the ship and into another environment if even just for half an hour.
"I dunno babe. I smell something I don't like and all my senses are saying reverse thrusters."
"I agree." Said Rimmer reluctantly.
"I mean… You do? Oh great now me and Goal Post Head are agreeing, next thing I know I'll be clashing my colours." Cat put his head in his hands and shuck his head in disbelief, horrified at the thought.
Kira walked over and touched his shoulder and whispered reassuringly in his ear.
"So why don't you want to go?" Lister said in Rimmer's general direction. "I mean we could get some more supplies, see if there's anything worth scavenging, you know, have a laugh." Lister dropped a bit of sauce onto his shirt, he looked down at it then wiped the sauce off with a popadom, which he then proceeded to eat.
"Un-smegging-lievable, here I am in deep space standing next to a guy who thinks it's hygienic to eat his food stains, trying to argue as why NOT to go into a spaceship we nothing about, not even its name, I mean what happened to the crew?" Rimmer crossed his arms and swung back and forth on his heels smugly.
"Good point. Hol, we got any record of the ship?"
"It's a Grade C, cargo ship Dave, called the Reliant."
Lister smirked in disbelief. "Doesn't seem very reliant now."
Kira looked out the window at the ship, "So are we going in or not?"
"Let's take a vote, those against raise their arm." Rimmer rose him arm straight into the air, slowly followed by Cat who still couldn't believe he was siding with Alphabet Head.
"Those for?" Lister and Kira raised their hands as much as they could be bothered.
"It's a tie, Holly your call."
"As much as I agree it could be dangerous, we are running low on various supplies so I have to vote we go have a look, and see what can be scavenged."
"What kind of supplies?" Asked Rimmer wondering if they needed anything important.
"You want a list?"
"You really are a complete and utter goit."
"Hey, I have an IQ of 6000 here." Holly gave an insulted look and glared at Rimmer, wondering whether or not to "accidentally" give Rimmer Peterson's right arm again.
"Look are we gonna stand here all day or go scavenging?" Muttered Lister in a bored tone.
"Lets get this over with." Said Cat glumly. "Shall we take the Starbug in landing bay 1?"
"Guess so, it's nearest. Come on guys. We'll grab a few bazookoids – just in case." Lister then bounded out of the door and down the corridor. Kira came next in quite a good mood, with Cat and Rimmer hanging back not really wanting to go.
Crash Landing
Lister entered the Starbug cockpit and sat in the front station to his left hand side, Cat came and sat next to him at navigation, Kira decided to work at weapons, sitting behind Cat, and Rimmer took the remaining station behind Lister. As they took off Holly transferred himself to the side monitor of the craft.
Before long they were only a few minutes from the Landing Bay. Suddenly weapons fire erupted out of nowhere from the Relient's position.
"SMEG!" Yelled Lister.
"IT'S COMING RIGHT AT US. IMPACT IN 30 SECONDS!" Cried Kira trying to be heard over the sirens that Holly was blearing out in panic.
"EVASIVE MANUVERS!" Hollered Lister.
"WE'RE GOING TO DIE!" Moaned Rimmer cowering under his desk.
"BRACE FOR INPACT!" Howled Cat as a tremor hit the ship throwing everyone to the floor and blowing up Cat's console. But it also stopped Holly's siren – much to everyone's relief.
"Is everyone ok?" Lister yelled as loud as he could whilst being winded. He stumbled onto his feet and went to Cat's side. He was sprawled in his chair unconscious from his panel exploding. Blood trickled down his face. From somewhere behind him he heard Rimmer and Kira stirring:
"OH GOD", CAT!" Screamed Kira limping over to him.
"Hey babe." Cat muttered weakly, his eyes fluttering open and shut.
"Oh thank god." She cried, tears streaming down her face.
"DAMIT! Most of Cat's controls are disabled, we'll have to emergency crash land on the ship." Explained Lister, kicking the station and wincing in pain.
Rimmer started to process the data appearing on his monitor. "Damage Report: Navigation out. Backup life support out. Communications out. Hologram projection unit damaged."
"Oh smeg." Lister turned round and looked out the window towards the ship.
"Anyone see exactly where the fire came from?"
"No." Answered Holly appearing statically on screen. "Look out, theres another misslie."
"Oh CRAP!" Kira help him out of his chair, Rimmer, take over my station, get Holly to voce control your commands, I'll control what's left of the navigation." Kira let Cat lean on her for support as she helped him to Rimmer's station, Rimmer moved to Lister's, and Lister sat down at Cat's trying to find some working controls.
"Impact in 15 seconds Dave." Came Holly's voice.
"Load the cannon!" Yelled Lister as he shakily steered the Bug as best he could.
"We only have enough ammo for 3 shots – and I don't know where to aim" Kira replied whilst studying the scanners feverishly.
"See if you can get a lock on the missile."
"Impact in 10, 9, 8, -" Recited Holly, tapping his head on the screen with each number he counted down.
"FIRING!" Screamed Kira, blocking out the sound of Holly's countdown.
"- 4, 3, 2 – Missile has exploded sirs and miss. Danger averted."
"Yeah but how long for?" Asked Rimmer as they approached the hanger doors.
"The doors aren't opening – WE'RE GONNA SMEGGING CRASH!" Shouted panic in his voice.
"You think they're gonna try and kill us then let us dock?" Rimmer said sarcastically.
"Kira, try and blow the hanger doors open, if we crashed into them we'd be deader than one of Cat's fur coats."
"Right Dave, LOCKED ON… FIRING!" A stream of light shot from the Bug and collided with the hanger doors with a massive explosion that hit the ship with after tremors and debris.
"YEEHAW!" Yelled Lister as he managed to land the craft. "Hol, can you override the ship's computer or whatever's doing this and close the airlock?"
"I'll certainly try, give me a few minutes to hack into the system." Holly's face disappeared from the screen.
Lister went and crouched next to Kira who was tending to Cat's wounds.
"Is he ok?" Lister asked turning away from the sorry site that was his best friend, secretly knowing the reply he'd be given.
"He's got a cracked rib and some other minor injuries, but he's bleeding internally." Whispered Kira, choking back tears. "He's stable for now but we need to get him to the Medi-Bay now." Cat raised his head and tried to speak, most likely about how the blood was clashing with his suit, but Kira shushed him gently, telling him to conserve his energy.
"Scans reveal it's two floors down on the left but through several barricaded doors." Said Rimmer checking the data again biting his lip after to stop himself from yelling "WE'RE FINISHED" or "WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE." He succeeded quite well but his will was about to lapse just as Holly's face appear onscreen.
"Hol, you got the hanger doors shut?" Asked Lister, shuffling around Kira and Cat to get the bazookoids.
"I've hacked the system and overridden the main codes, the atmosphere is breathable but thin, take your space suits, the rogue computer could take control at any moment, doing anything to the Life Support, or air lock."
"Great, thanks Hol. Oh, have you found the black box recording?" Lister asked as a last thought as he squeezed himself into his space suit reluctantly.
"Not yet Dave, I'm working on it." Holly disappeared.
"WE'RE GONNA –" Rimmer started, unable to control himself any longer but he was blocked.
"DON'T say it, we aren't gonna. When we get to the Medi-Bay we can seal the doors and manually take control of the Life Support system.
"Great plan Listy, EXCELENT PLAN. But how are you gonna know each door is safe to break open?" Replied Rimmer smugly and glumly at the same time.
"That's easy, we're gonnna send you in first." Lister said smiling and putting on his helmet.
"WHAT?" Cried Rimmer, thinking of course that this had to be the worst idea the gimboid had ever come up with.
"Will you two KNOCK IT OFF and help me pick him up, we need to go NOW." Kira's voice sounded round the cabin. Thoughts of squabbling left their minds as Lister helped the now suited Kira to take Cat's weight as they carried him to the back of the shuttle to the exit. No easy task, considering that Cat was unconscious, that they were carrying bazookoids and all three were wearing space suits. – Cat had being wearing his favourite gold one that he had somehow made.
As they reached the door Cat seemed to wake up for a moment, he muttered something about polka dots then fell unconscious again.
Virus
The crew were nearly at the Medi-Bay, Rimmer was reluctantly passing through the doors to look for what ever it may have been that had attacked them, but always the coast was clear. He was about to moodily step through another door, when he suddenly faded, disappeared then reappeared again, he dizzily placed his hand on the wall, but fell through, losing his balance.
"Rimmer, are you all right?" Asked Lister as he reorganised the weight of his suit.
"Well if you really want to know m'laddo, the answer would be no." Rimmer stood up and looked at his hands to check he was solid light again, thankfully for him, he was.
"His projection unit was damaged in the attack, it must be now loosing power, who's knows how long he's got?" Said Kira annoyed at the latest problem.
She lifted Cat's arm from round her neck, and she got him in a sitting position on the floor, and sat down next to him, glad of a seconds rest but worried about how dangerous the delay would be to Cat's life. As she sat there watching him she thought about how he hadn't wanted to come, but he had anyway, if instead of been so excited about finding somewhere else to explore, if she had listened to Cat's senses, they wouldn't be in this mess.
"Kira?" Asked Lister gently, tapping her shoulder. "I'm outta ammo, and this is the last door before the Medi-Bay, that one Holly can override the code so we can seal it after.
"Ok." Kira whispered as she got out her bazookoid. Lister turned round to shield Cat from debris, as Kira blasted opened the door.
Once inside the Medi-Bay and the door was sealed Cat was lifted onto one of the beds and his helmet was removed, as Kira started to tend to him thinking how lucky he and she were.
A matter of seconds later Holly's face appeared on Lister's watch. "Don't take off your helmets." Lister and Kira looked from each other, to Cat.
"What the smeg for Hol?" Asked Lister thinking this just WASN'T his day.
"I've found the black box recording Dave, it's a 24th century genetics and AI research vessel, masquerading as a cargo ship. The ship once had a crew of 300 with a genetically engineered super computer that appears as a hologram, but can touch and feel. Upgrades and experiments were carried out on the computer until an accident occurred, nearly destroying the computer, he became detached ignoring the crew, certain that they were plotting against him, he preformed upgrades on himself to become even more powerful. He has the power to summon Time Holes at will – which is how the ship is at this point in time, emit missiles without weapons, and release viruses into the air –" Holly paused as Lister interjected.
"Virus? SMEG!"
"Who knows what else it is capable of, it is taking up almost all my time trying to keep control of the Medi-Bay – What was that Miss Olivier?" He asked as Kira had whispered something through her tears that were misting up her helmet.
"Is there an antidote?"
"The recording made by one of the crew says that the antidote is in the science lab next door to the Medi-Lab, but that is where the computer has housed himself and so the doors are heavily protected."
"GREAT!" Cried Rimmer sarcastically, "Just GREAT. Could things get any better? Maybe the computer would like to open up a time hole or maybe a nice black hole and send us hurtling through time and space, that outta be a good "laugh" hey Listy?"
"Don't start Rimmer." Sighed Lister not in the mood.
"We need a plan." Spoke up Kira as she injected something into Cat's neck.
"We can't leave until Starbug is fixed; even when we get the antidote we still need a ship, to get the smeg outta here." She paused as Rimmer and Lister exchanged sceptical glances about the odds they had of getting the ship fixed, and getting the antidote in time to save Cat.
Kira noticed the glances but tried to think positively, she had to, for Cat's sake.
"Rimmer, go back to Starbug and start the maintenance work." Kira commanded as she went to the sink, got a damp cloth and wiped the sweat off Cat's forehead, wondering what nightmares and hallucinations he must be having. She was brought back to reality by the sound of Rimmer's objecting voice.
"Start maintenance? Are you taking the smeg? It may have escaped your notice, but I'm dead lady. Composed entirely of light and…" Rimmer paused in the middle of his rant as his hologram flickered and faded for a moment before returning to normal. "And… and I don't have long before my projection unit gives up permanently.
"Ever the polite and helpful worker, huh Rimmer?" Lister joked.
"Shut up you gimboid. This is my life we're talking about here." He retorted indignantly.
"Don't you mean death?" Lister laughed. Rimmer got ready for an other retort but didn't get the chance.
"As senior rank on Red Drawf I order you both to shut up, and for you, Arnold J Rimmer to go back to Starbug and fix the damage. Voice activate one of the scutters in storage to help you" Kira stated in an authoritive voice though all she felt like doing was curling up next to Cat, and crying, so overwhelming was the despair and sadness that she felt within her.
"What about –" Rimmer began.
"Stuff your halo-disk Rimmer, you're already dead. Cat could still live if you don't stand here whining, so go. GO!"
Rimmer and Liser stared, stunned at Kira's outburst. Lister gently placed his hand on her shoulder to signal everything would be alright, as he did so Kira burst out crying and sat down on the bed next to Cat as she felt her knees give way.
Rimmer started to adopt an indignant expression but lost his anger and instead just stared at his shoes. "I'd better go…fix the…bug, thing…" He trailed of as he pointed roughly in the direction of the hanger and passed through the sealed door.
"ARNOLD. Wait!" She cried after him, running up to the sealed door, she watched him through the porthole till his was out of site. "SMEG!" She yelled slamming her fist on the door.
"Holly unseal the door – QUICKLY!" Kira cried across the room so the computer on Lister's watch could hear her command clearly.
"Hang on a mo." Came the slightly muffled reply.
"It'll be ok, we'll think of something." Said Lister as calmly as he could, as he watched Kira pace up and down waiting for the door to unlock.
"The click sounded and Kira ran out the door, yelling at Lister; "I already have!" Before racing after Rimmer as fast as she could.
"Wait, she hollered as she saw Rimmer's figure ahead of her in the corridor. He kept moving, ignoring her calls.
"Arnold?" She questioned as she neared him.
Rimmer paused at hearing his first name, before reacting to situations the way he knew how – by pushing people away.
"Just leave me alone" Rimmer said frostily though his eyes betrayed a small amount of emotion has he saw Kira's hand pass through his shoulder.
"Look I'm sorry, I'm just so worried." Kira explained running her hand through her hair.
"So am I." Rimmer replied quietly, staring at the floor.
"You mean about yourself." Kira scoffed before putting her hand to her mouth in horror.
"Yes but the Cat too. He may be an idiotic gimboid, but he's part the crew, the boyz –and girl hey added hastily, from the drawf." Rimmer shifted on the spot uncomfortably, making sure to avoid eye contact with Kira as he sensed her eyes watching him carefully.
"You know." She said after a pause that seemed to last an eternity. "That has got to be the nicest and most sincere thing I've heard you say about him." Kira smiled softly.
"Anyway I have a plan, and an idea to help sustain your hologram for longer – but it includes switching you off for a bit."
"Sen-smegging-sational." Rimmer retorted, trying to rebuild his protective wall, though his heart wasn't in it and his eyes once again dropped to the floor.
He sighed. "What's the plan then?"
Kira immediately sprang into action "Come on, I'll tell you on the way to Spacebug." She answered, before setting off running as fast as she could in the space suit which was feeling hotter and more restrictive every minute – probably because of the mile or so she had run to try and catch Rimmer up in the first place.
Hour Deadline
"So let me get this straight – Arnold Judas Rimmer, a guy who could easily win first place and all the runner up prizes at selfish smeg of the year award, - the same Rimmer has agreed to being – and has been turned off, so you can load his holodisk in this ship's Medi-Bay projection unit whilst knowing full well that the Computer could corrupt his files beyond repair, or that he could be left dead for ever if we weren't able to get to the disk in time before some accident so some such smeg happens?" Lister sat down on the bed next to Cat, still not really believing that Rimmer had the capability of being noble.
Kira looked up from the Medi-Bay's hologram projection unit and put away the various tools she had being using to mess around with the unit's system. "Well… Yeah."
Lister shuck his head in disbelief, and raised his head to look at Cat, who by now had being attached to a monitor to check his vital signals. As the information on the screen changed so did Lister's information, going from disbelief about Rimmer, to panic about Cat.
"Kira get the SMEG over here right now, I think Cat's flat lining as he's too weak to fight the virus much longer." Lister cried as he leant over his buddy not sure what to do.
"Oh CRAP!" Kira cried pushing past Lister, thoughts of Rimmer temporarily forgotten. She leant over Cat and started to massage his heart, muttering number's under her breath. But it made no difference.
She suddenly started to remove her helmet, ignoring Lister's objections and pleas. She once again leant over Cat. She took a deep breath of the stale recycled air; for a second Kira wondered if she could feel the deadly virus entering her lungs but she pushed such thoughts to the back of her mind as she clasped her lips to Cat's and held his nose, as she has been taught to on a First Aid training course when she was 22.
Almost a minute had gone by and she was beginning to lose hope, the tears were streaming silently down her face but she couldn't stop, she just couldn't… then it came a small cough and a splutter and a faint heart beat registered on the monitor.
Lister let out a huge sigh of relief and Kira collapsed next to Cat, sobbing quietly.
"Hey babe." Whispered Cat hoarsely. He raised his left arm as best he could and placed it gently on Kira's head. A look of horror appeared in his eyes as he realised that she had removed her helmet. He tried to speak, but Kira shushed him.
"It's ok, we're going to get an antidote from the science lab, and everything will be fine – for both of us." Kira was relieved at how steady and convincing her voice had sounded as Cat laid back and slipped once more into unconsciousness.
Kira wiped away the tears from her face and stood up. "Dave, can I speak to Holly for a moment while you boot up Rimmer?"
"Yeah, sure thing Kira." Lister said as he unfastened his watch from round the arm of his space suit, and handed it to Kira before he shuffled over to the projection unit and began messing with the options.
"Holly, how long do you think Cat and me have, now that we've been exposed to the virus?" She asked nervously, running her hands through her hair, and biting her bottom lip.
"You've been exposed too?" Why do people never tell me these things?" Holly moaned.
"Sorry, I was exposed a few minutes ago." She murmured softly.
In the background Rimmer's hologram was materialising.
"Judging by the medical reports I'd say Cat has about an hour before the virus has caused too much damage for him to heal, but you could have 2 or 3 hours remaining Miss Olivier, as you were not weakened physically by the attack on Starbug."
One hour? Please God let it be enough time.
"Thanks Holly."
"No problem, later dudes, and dudette, work to do, paranoid super Computers to hack.
Kira suddenly felt a wave of dizziness wash over her. And her legs seemed to buckle from under her; she reasoned that it must be one of the first symptoms of the virus and stumbled to the nearest bed.
Lister and Rimmer rushed to her in horror, despite how she tried to reassure them with a smile.
"How's the unit Arnold?" She asked faintly.
"Fine, I have all the right body parts which is an improvement on Holly, anyway I better get Pinky and start fixing the ship. Kira and Rimmer smiled at each other knowingly as he passed her on his way to the door.
"Kira, what's the rest of your plan to get the antidote?" Lister asked as he pushed Kira back gently onto her back so she could rest.
"I'm… I'm gonna crawl in the air ducts and drop into the science room, grab the antidote… and get the smeg outta there… while you help Cat back to Starbug.
"And just how do you think you would do against a psychedelic super Computer in your current state?" Questioned Lister as he helped Kira out of the space suit to try and make her more comfortable.
"I doubt you can even lift a smegging bazookoid, that virus is working so fast." Lister continued mournfully.
He turned away on the pretext of trying to get his watch fastened back round his spacesuit coated wrist, though really it was so no-one saw the single tear fall from his eye.
"I have to try, you can't get infected too." Kira whispered, slowly sitting up.
"Don't worry, I won't, but I've gotta take your place while you two try and get back to Starbug." Lister said as calmly as he could.
"Holly, patch me through to Rimmer can you?"
"Sure thing Dave." Holly's voice said as Rimmer's face filled the tiny screen.
"What's happened now?" Rimmer asked, sounding annoyed.
"Change of plan, Kira's coming with Cat while I get the antidote." Lister said though Rimmer didn't seem to look too surprised.
"Ok Listy, repairs should be sufficient for takeoff in about 20 minutes." Rimmer said, answering Lister's next question before he had asked it.
"Can Pinky finish the repairs on his own?" Lister asked. As he did so Rimmer's head disappeared for a few seconds.
"He said he could." Rimmer braced himself for the words he knew were coming.
"I'm gonna have to turn you off now, so you don't get left behind, I'll put your disk in Kira's pocket so you can use the Bug's projection unit again."
Rimmer nodded in agreement reluctantly. "Do it."
"See you later smeghead." Lister said as he turned off the projection unit, ejected Rimmer's disk and placed it in Kira's pocket.
"Can you walk?" He asked Kira, worried that he'd have to try and carry both the Cat and Kira back to Starbug, AND still get the antidote before it was too late.
"I think so." Kira mumbled but to stand up she had to rely heavily on Lister for support.
Hang on, there's a wheelchair in the corner there."
Lister helped Kira to sit down again and he went and fetched the wheelchair. He brought it back to were Kira and the Cat were, and gently lifted Cat – who was still unconscious, into the chair, before laying Kira's bazookoid on his knee.
"Kira? Use wheelchair for support, when you get to the ship get Pinky to help you two into the craft, and give Pinky Rimmer's Hologram disk, to put back in the projection unit. He should have got it repaired"
"Got it." Kira whispered softly as Lister once again helped her to stand. She leaned all her weight on the wheelchair and slowly pushed the wheel chair out of the room.
Lister then stood on a table and removed the air vent grill. He pushed his bazookoid into the small dark space, then climbed up into the vents himself.
Showdown
"How long now Hol?" Lister whispered into his watch.
"30 Minutes for Cat Dave."
"Thanks Hol." Lister mumbled as he shuffled uncomfortably along the air ducts, till he reached the panel that was above the science room.
He looked down through the grate, biting his bottom lip to try and prevent himself from hyperventilating because of the heat from the suit, the fact that he could see the antidote (and some other substances) – and the Computer from his vantage point, but also because he suffered from chronic claustrophobia.
He watched the Computer - a tall figure that looked like a faded male hologram, but there was a massive power source surrounding him in a light yellow glow.
Lister took a deep breath, thinking that the Computer probably knew he was there anyway, removed the panel and jumped down into the room.
Lister landed with a crash on the floor due to his suit.He looked around for his bazookoid but it had smashed on impact. He groaned and raised his head to find the Computer standing over him.
The Computer itself looked like an ordinary man from first glance – white skinned with a light tan, brown hair and eyes, about 6 foot 2. Nothing too unordinary. Lister thought, (apart from the fact you could see through him and that there was a light surrounding him) until he looked into the Computer's eyes and at his facial expression.
His eyes seemed tortured and cold, and his face looked so distorted with anger and pain, Lister had to looked away.
"So, you've come to this ship, you've avoided exposure to the virus, and you have let loose something into my system to destroy my resources. And now you have come to destroy me, isn't it? Well I'm not going to let that happen. The "Reliant" project has just lost another special ops team." The Computer smiled creepily through his distorted features and suddenly Lister rose into the air and hung there – as if in suspended animation.
Lister realised that if he was dead, then the others were as good as so decided to try and talk his way out of this mess – trying also to ignore the fact that he was also hanging 3 feet in the air.
"What, what do you mean other team? What happened to them and the crew?" Lister said shakily as he glanced at his watch to see that Holly had disappeared, leaving in his place a 20 minute count down that was now at 15 minutes 49 seconds.
"They send you on a life threatening mission and fail to tell you the details? I highly doubt that!" Scoffed the Computer, who felt disgusted that the pathetic human was trying to reason with HIM – the Computer, the single most powerful being in the known universe.
"No-one sent us on any smegging mission!" Shouted Lister as loudly as he dared. "Look at my suit, it says Red Drawf, I'm from a mining ship, not some smegging special ops group. On a crew of one hundred and sixty nine people, I ranked 169. I wasn't even trusted to change the bog rolls let alone head a mission through time.
"Then how are you and you crew mates in this time period?" Computer asked deciding that he would play along for a bit with this pathetic lowlife – Well he hadn't talked to anyone in 2 years or though - since that last team came through the time hole.
"In this crew there is a hologram called Rimmer, when he was alive he didn't fix a drive plate properly, killing the whole crew. I was in stasis coz I brought a pregnant cat on board, so Holly – the ships computer, brought me back 3 million years later when the radiation levels or some such smeg were safe. Holly then brought Rimmer's hologram out to keep me sane or something –" Lister explained until the Computer obviously believing them to be lies and through him across the room with a flick of his hand.
Lister hit the wall hard and groaned as he tried to sit up.
"Lies – such things do not happen, it does not explain who the other members of the crew are, or why you are here or anything, you have been sent to destroy me they have used me as a guinea pig and are now frightened of my powers and revenge."
Lister turned over onto his back. "I'm not smegging lying. The other male is not human, scan him or do some such crap, he's a cat - a Felix Sapien, he evolved from my cat that I brought on board – she was in the hold. And the female is another crew member who we got from a stasis leak that went back to 3 weeks before the accident." He stood up weakly and stumbled over to the table where the antidotes were. He grabbed the table for support and sat down in a chair.
"Scans reveal that there is indeed a non human life form aboard. No cat could have evolved that quickly in the years since we entered the time hole. You must be using my technology for your own gains." Computer walked over to Lister and paused, deciding to let Lister get finish his story – he needed some entertainment.
"So what are you doing in this room, and why did you use the air vents instead of the door?" Asked the Computer smugly.
"Coz Holly said the door was booby trapped and I need the antidote for the Cat and Kira - the female, we only came to the ship coz we thought it was derelict so we were going to scavenge supplies, then we had to crash land because you went all killer on us, knocking out our navigation."
"A likely story but prepare to say goodbye you human scum." Shouted Computer loudly yet quite calmly considering that he had been wanting to do this for the last 10 minutes. He raised his arm but was stopped as Rimmer passed through the door.
"Lister have you got the anti.. Oh SMEG!" Rimmer cried, stopping dead in his tracks.
"Rimmer you're here" Lister cried thinking he had never been as happy to see Rimmer as he was now.
"Yeah but I wish I wasn't." Rimmer replied gulping.
"So what you say about the crew's predicament is true but you're still going to all die. No human deserves to live." The Computer once again raised his arm but was interrupted by Rimmer.
"Great, just great. Got anymore good ideas Listy? Maybe we should go hurtling into a meteoroid, that would be "good for a laugh!" Wouldn't it Lister? Smeg, I'm 3 million years in deep space with a slob who's cleanest shirt looks as grubby as his normal clothes and a Cat, who is a complete and utter gimboid – but at least he agreed that it was a bad idea to explore the ship but oh no, we have to come anyway. So now we are all going to die, just great." Rimmer shuck his head in anger.
As Rimmer continued to rant Lister took the opportunity to slip the antivirus into his spacesuit pouch so it would be safe.
"Are you quite finished?" The Computer asked, wondering if he felt slightly sorry for the others who had being sharing a ship with this measly little pigmy of a man up till now.
"No, actually it's my death – well my second death so I can say what I like." Rimmer stated indignantly. "You know I feel exactly the same now as I did on Mimas that time when disaster struck, I had just thrown a 3 and a 4 in the Risk Annual Tournament."
"Please Rimmer, I don't want to die of boredom listening to one of your Risk stories." Lister sighed. He looked at his watch - 8 minutes.
"Does not compute, does not associate word Risk with throwing numbers. Explain." The computer looked at Rimmer a puzzled expression adorning his face.
Rimmer looked away from Computer's face but continued to speak as Lister crept back to the air duct. "Don't tell me you've never played Risk? It's a fantastic game! I remember one time when I had thrown a 2 and a 6, I…"
30 Seconds Later…
"So anyway I then threw a…" Rimmer said as Computer started banging his head on a nearby table.
"Lost the will to live, activating autodestruct sequence. Ship destruction in 3 minutes." Cried Computer mournfully.
"Then I… autodestruct sequence? SMEG!" Rimmer hollered as he ran through the door. He met Lister coming out of the Medi-Bay.
"The ships going to explode in just less than 3 minutes, we gotta get the smeg outta here!" Rimmer yelled as he passed Lister.
"SMEG!" Lister cried. Running as fast as he could after Rimmer.
Takeoff
Lister and Rimmer ran into the cabin of Starbug. Whilst Rimmer started to got through the takeoff procedures with Holly through voice command Lister got the antidote out of the pouch of his suit and injected it into each of his crewmate's arms. He then ran back through to the cabin and took Cat's place at the controls.
"Let's get the smeg out of here." Lister yelled across to Rimmer.
"Agreed."
About a minute later the Reliant exploded behind them, rocking the ship slightly.
As the explosion occured the Timehole disappeared - It probably got sucked into the explosion. Thought Lister, sad that he had lost a portal that he could have used to get back to Earth. But at least they were all safe.
Lister turned round to see Kira shakily enter the cabin and say she and Cat were ok, but he of course still needed to rest and heal, due to his previous injuries. Lister then turned back to see the explosion on the monitor.
"Brutal." He said, smiling to no-one in particular as the different colours swirled around, lighting up the sky.
It's cold outside, there's no kind of atmosphere
I'm all alone, more or less
Let me fly far away from here
Fun, fun, fun in the sun, sun, sun
I want to lie shipwrecked and comatose
Drinking fresh mango juice
Goldfish shoals nibbling at my toes
Fun, fun, fun in the sun, sun, sun
Fun, fun, fun in the sun, sun, sun