The Wheel of Time : Unknown Side

Moiraine Damodred wrinkled her nose as she galloped into the Two Rivers, with Lan beside her.

"Don't you just love the smell of fresh, clean, country air?" He asked solemnly

"Shut it." Moiraine replied, all calm serenity plastered on her face. The air smelled of shit, baking, and unwashed farmers.

Immediately children pushed forward from every side.

"Ooooh! Look! A lady! A Lady!" They chanted. Moiraine plastered a smile as cameras flashed. Several children asked for her autograph, and she handed out personalized photos from her bag. It was Prada.

Lan ushered her away from the growing throng, pushing people back savagely, but they still smiled at them, and one exclaimed "I'll never wash this shirt again!"

Later, at the Inn, Moiraine smiled at Nyneave al'Meara.

"I understand you're a local actress?" She asked, her voice coolly musical. It meant she was actually singing every time she spoke. Just like that Melody babe on Josie… Josie and… and Company, she thought. I read that in a comic book somewhere….

Nyneave's face was turning beet red. Damn! I'm the famous one! I'll get her for this! She thought, a smile appearing as she thought of Moiraine's blood on her lips. She looked across at the Warder just as she growled at her. Growled at her!

The eve before Bel Tine came, and as children scampered about at the streets, Trollocs came!

"Huh! A walking pig!" One girl exclaimed upon seeing the first one enter the village.

The girl beside her shot her an angry look. "What was that supposed to mean! Bitch! I'm not that fat!"

Everyone curiously approached the Trollocs, murmuring "walking pigs?"

"What are you waiting for?" Moiraine screamed while turning around in circles, arms stretched out before her as she whirled faster and faster. "What are you waiting for!"

Nyneave smiled as a Trolloc struck Moiraine. She slumped to the ground. The townspeople gaped.

"What's wrong with you people!" Lan cried in a high girl's voice. He scooped Moiraine up and they galloped from the village.

"What's happening!' Rand asked as he spotted Nyneave and Egwene. Without waiting for an answer, he marched to the trollocs. He noticed that there was a hooded figure beside them, carrying a whip and herding the rest of the trollocs into the village.

"Who are you? What are you!" Rand asked.

"Seven days!" It hissed at him.

"Huh?" Rand scratched his head. And he scratched his head. With one practiced scratch, he trapped head lice under his fingernail. He casually looked at the squirming mini-roach, then casually tossed it to Egwene, who caught it and secretly slipped it to Nyneave's braid.

Nyneave glared at her.

"What in the Dark One's name are you giggling about!" She asked sharply, then added "bitch" in an undertone. She tugged on her braid. Lately, she found she had been tugging at it when her head itched. Must be dandruff, she thought.

"Remind me to go to Wal-mart and buys some groceries." She ordered sharply. Egwene stuck her tongue behind her back, and Nyneave whipped so fast, pulling Egwene's tongue from her mouth.

"Facking beeetch!" Egwene screamed. Moiraine galloped into the village and healed Egwene, then with a look at the Trollocs burning homes, she galloped right back out.

"The walking pigs! They're burning the village!" Egwene cried.

"Me thinks they're Trollocs!" Rand suggested, a hand on his chin. Mat passed them, whirling a rake and screaming the Old Tongue.

"El caldazaar ze babwin gibber blubber ish el al ul ah zoom!" He screamed.

Moiraine galloped back amidst dying people, nearing Mat, she produced a notebook and began writing furiously.

"What did he just say?" Rand asked.

"Since you are the Dragon Reborn, he said 'you fucking sons of bitches! I'll get your flaming green ass if it's the last thing I do! To the Daughter of the Nine Moons!"

"That's awfully long. Wait – what do you mean dragon… dragon what?" Rand asked while Nyneave and Egwene ooohed and aaahed.

"Oh… smart bitch…" Moiraine grimaced.

She looks so bloody pretty even doing that… Egwene thought, then blushed.

Moiraine noticed and smiled lewdly. Then, she galloped out again before anyone could say a word.

"Isn't she going to help? She is Aes Sedai, right?" Egwene asked timidly.

"Aes Sedai!" Rand exclaimed. "Aes Sedai!"

"What are you talking about?" Nyneave asked, tugging violently on her braid.

"Didn't you read the tag on her big bre – I mean, didn't you read the tag on her chest?" Egwene blushed furiously. "It says right there, 'Moiraine Aes Sedai of the Blue Ajah' then under that was 'Welcome! How may I help you?' Didn't you guys see?"

"Oh." Nyneave sighed. Guess I have to become Aes Sedai then. To defeat her.

Then Moiraine and Lan galloped right back in, then they grabbed Perrin, Rand and Mat.

"We. Have. To. Get. You. Out. Of. Here." Moiraine said slowly, making hand gestures.

"Wait! I'll come with you!" Egwene screamed as she jumped into Bela's retreating back.

"You're not taking them away from me! I'm coming too!" Nyneave screamed as she tugged a large chunk of hair from her head.

So the seven of them galloped away from the Two Rivers, not knowing what will possibly lie in wait for them.

And a figure stood darkly, staring at their retreating backs. With a sudden growl, it said:

"Abadeee abadee, that's all for now folks!"

A/N: I know I know it was bloody corny!