1"You know you'll never have another chance with him."
"I don't want another chance with him."
"You've changed your mind before."
"No, I always wanted another chance. I always tried to leave it open to another possible chance. Always."
She walked back into the apartment in Hartford she and Logan were renting, putting the engagement ring back on. They'd moved in after her Yale graduation. She thought of calling for him, but decided against it. She didn't want to have sex with him, and she didn't want to have to explain why not. He's be able to tell if she's lying, and to tell the truth she'd have to tell him about talking with Dean earlier that night. He'd get mad. And he'd wonder whether she was falling in love with Dean again, and get madder. Then every time she mentioned Dean, they'd have a big fight about whether she loved him. He'd win every one of them, because she knew that remembering her feelings would seem like falling back in love to him. But she wasn't! Was she? If she wasn't, then why was she so happy that her shirt smelled like him from being in his arms? Why had she stared at that box of cornstarch for so long?
She crept into the bedroom, and slid into bed next to Logan, and tried to fall asleep in spite of his snores. She rolled closer to him, and slid her arm around him. Because she loved him! She did! She kissed his ear, trying to wake him up, trying to forget that she hadn't wanted to do this only seconds ago. Because if she didn't, then that meant she wasn't over Dean. She kissed him more insistently, begging him to wake up. When he did, croaking out her name, she kissed him harder. She focused on him, trying to put her heart into what she was doing. Searching for her love for him, trying to fill herself with it. He was her fiancé, and she wasn't going to lose him the way she'd lost Jess and Dean.