Chapter Twenty-Two
It was torture, as awful as he could imagine it. It was torture to look at her every day and think about how he couldn't love her. It was torture to act like he didn't care that she was in love with another man. It was torture to think of that other man holding her, kissing her. It was torture just to live.
But most of all, it was torture to speak and restrain himself from screaming out at the top of his lungs. Like right now. They were sitting in the rec/dining room, eating lunch, He, Glynn, sat silent. Her, Saera, trying to make silly small talk. She didn't want to talk about her relationship with Luke; frankly, neither did he. But that didn't mean it wasn't eating away at him. What had happened between them so far? He knew she'd seen her "one true love" three times since that night he'd been so drunk. Had they made passionate love in his room? Had they had hot sweaty sex in a closet in a random hall? Or...had nothing happened at all?
Why had he asked her to kiss him? He wished he was one of those people that forgot everything they'd done while intoxicated by the next day, but no, he had to remember that he'd acted like an idiot.
And what had she done? She'd patted him on the head like a good little idiot deserved.
"So anyway, where were you all of yesterday?" She'd just been blathering on about nothing or importance. It drove him crazy that she was acting so normal when he was feeling so...not. He jumped up, shaking the little table.
"Are you really so blind? Can you not see anything that's shoved under your nose?"
"What are you talking about?" She was cautious, asking slowly, like she didn't want to say the wrong thing. Too late.
"What should I ever bother, it's not important. If it was important, you'd know, right? I mean, I couldn't possibly expect you to know! That's fine, go on, be deluded. I don't care!"
"Glynn, what is wrong with you? You're acting crazy. No, I have no idea what you're talking about, and you're not helping the situation by being cryptic! Just tell me what in the galaxy you're talking about!"
"I--I..." SAY IT, IDIOT! "I just...miss you."
"What?" Obviously she had expected something completely different.
He sat. "Well, we've become pretty close friends over the last three months or so, and...I've gotten sort of used to having you around. And now that you're always gone--"
"I'm not always gone."
"OK, not always. But now that there are people other than each other for us to talk to a lot...it's just hard to adjust. I guess it's this way with everything you get used to. I should know that by now. Sorry for being such a jerk about it I just don't want to lose you. I mean--" he stopped himself from making excuses. He had to stop hiding. "I mean, I don't want to lose you."
"Glynn." She seemed understanding, caring, reassuring. "I'm always going to be available for whatever you need. I'll always talk and try to help you with whatever I can, even if you're far away. You're right about the friends thing. You're probably, well, my best friend. I feel closer to you than I've ever felt to anyone."
"Except Skywalker."
She dropped her eyes. "Yes. Except Luke," she said quietly, and without much enthusiasm.
Saera, I love you. Please see that. Oh, Gods, how I wish you could see that. Don't make me come begging for your love. You'll break me, Saera.
"Glynn..."
"What?"
"Well...it's nothing. Forget it."
"No really, what? Tell me."
"Well..." she looked down at her fingers on the top of the table. "Why did you do that in the hall? That whole slinging your arm around me? What was that about?" Her tone was slightly accusing, and he knew she had a right to be.
"I don't know...no, that's a lie. I do know, but you don't, do you?" He sighed. There was a way he could show her instead of telling her, as he seemed unable to do.
He got up and went around the table so he was standing next to her. "There's something I have to do. Stand up."
Slowly she rose and stared up in to his eyes. He held her gaze, trying to put as much emotion into his expression as possible. Her nervous eyes, quivering lip, everything was drawing him in. She looked like she had that time they'd kissed. So long ago... Too long ago.
He cupped her cheeks in his hands and, silently, without another word, gently kissed her. Slowly the kiss became more passionate and he held her close. She was kissing him back, but he didn't take the time to analyze what that meant. He just continued to try to show her exactly how he felt.
When they parted she was shaking and crying. He realized her tears were on his cheeks. "Stop it, Glynn. You're confusing me." She tried to push away but her continued to hold her and she had to give in because she was sobbing too hard to do anything about it. "Why are you doing this to me? I don't understand!" she moaned out between sobs and poundings of her fists against his chest.
"Maybe you aren't supposed to." He sighed and pulled her head closer to his chest to stop her from hitting him. "Maybe it's just...one of those things, like you said, One of those random things." He chuckled. "Remember that? You were so angry at me for just trying to talk to you."
"Yes," she mumbled, her head resting with her ear to his heart. "Sorry."
"It's OK, I need someone mad at me sometimes, just to make life interesting. I don't know how I'm going to live without you." He could feel himself choking up.
"Probably a lot better off." Her body had stopped heaving against him whenever she breathed in, and the wetness on his shirt had stopped spreading.
"No, never. I'll miss you for all my life." He knew he must sound strange, and she gave him a funny look. Her could feel his heart starting to crack. Gods, he needed her in his life! He couldn't live without her. Why couldn't he tell her that? He willed himself, but...nothing.
"I'll miss you too, Glynn." She drew back, gave him a little smile, and sat back down to finish eating.
He sat also, even though at that very moment his heart had broken under the pressure and had splintered into a million pieces of cutting glass. Because when she'd said that she'd miss him, it had truly sounded like goodbye.
-
"Is Saera here?"
Skywalker. Skywalker was here, at the entrance of Glynn's ship, asking to see Saera.
Skywalker. Skywalker. SKYwalker. No matter how many times that name popped through Glynn's head, he still wanted to sock the guy in the jaw. Except harder than when Saera had hit him...maybe hard enough to send splinters of bone into his brain...
"I don't know, where else would she be?" Driving a spike into my heart?
"Umm, can I see her?"
"Maybe. Do you love her?"
"Excuse me?" Wonderboy was caught completely off guard.
"It's an easy question," Glynn snapped. "Yes or no? Do you love her?"
"Uh, I'm not sure." Skywalker was looking very nervous.
"How can you not be sure? You've known her for 95 percent of your life! How can you not be sure?"
"I..." he seemed at a loss for words. Good. He deserved to be confused. "Can I leave her a message?"
Glynn looked at him scornfully. "You really are clueless. She'll kill me if I don't let you in." He felt tired suddenly. He didn't want to feel so terrible all the time. He wanted the mad speeder ride to end, even if it ended in a crash. "Just go in. Second door on the left," he gestured, then shuffled off towards his cockpit. All hope was most definitely lost.
-
"Oh, Luke! You're back! Why didn't you tell me?" Saera hugged him where he stood at her door.
"I only just got in about a time part ago. I still have to file a report. But I just wanted to come see you."
"But I haven't had anytime to get ready or anything!" What do you mean? You look very nice."
Oh. Thanks." She smiled and lowered her eyes, but that wasn't how she felt. At first she'd been excited that Luke had said she looked 'very nice.' Then she'd remember that Glynn had called her beautiful just a few days ago. Being called beautiful was better than looking--
"What's that?" There was a muffled screaming coming from a different room.
"I don't know..." She supposed it was Glynn, but what was he doing? She heard blaster bolts being fired.
"Oh my Gods, what is going on?" She rushed out of the room.
-
Skywalker on his ship! That Gods-damned bastard! He couldn't deal with this! Enraged, he grabbed a bowl lying on the table on his way to the cockpit and threw it, slamming it against the opposite wall. The hard plastic didn't break like he wished it would, so he grabbed his blaster from its holster and started beating the bowl, yelling, picturing Skywalker's face on the bowl.
"I loved you! I loved you! You chose him, and I loved you!" he screamed, finally crushing the bowl beneath the metal of his weapon, face contorting in to anguished shapes. "I loved you!" He stood back a few feet and aimed his blaster at the mass of broken plastic, firing and yelling wordless sounds. The plastic melted, molding into a puddle on the floor.
"Glynn! What the hell are you doing?" He stopped, turning to see Saera, mouth agape, staring at the mess of plastic on the floor. Skywalker came running up behind her, confusion and worry written on his face. Glynn felt his anger boil as he saw him place a hand on her shoulder to look over it.
"Glynn? Hello? What is wrong with you?"
"The bowl," he said, hearing his own voice livid and burning. "Is evil."
"What are you talking about? What's wrong?" She was still irritated, but he could see the worry starting to show. He loved her so much for it...but he could also see she was slightly scared, and he knew it was because he was acting so violent. He calmed himself down, for her sake. He never wanted to see her scared because of him. He never wanted to see her genuinely scared at all...
"Nothing. I'm fine. I need to clean up this mess." He turned and heard her walking behind him, felt her hand light upon his arm.
"Are you sure?" Her eyes held a worry for him that almost made him break down into tears.
"Yes," he whispered.
"Oh--OK." She left with Skywalker, looking back once. Then he was left alone.
"It's just that I love you," he whispered to the air that was left where she'd stood.
-
"Are you sure he'll be OK?" Luke asked as they went back to her room.
"Yes, I think he will."
"He just looked...so angry. And so depressed. Do you know..."
"What?"
"Well, do you know what he feels for you? Because I think he might really care about you. A lot."
"Of course he does. He's like my best friend."
Luke's face darkened. "I don't mean like that. I think he cares about you as more than a friend."
"Oh, don't be silly. Glynn has...other things to worry about."
"Like?" Luke wasn't giving this up.
"Like...I don't know. His ship. Finding his next job. That should be easier once I pay him. The Gaellia needs knew light-speed engines."
"So that's all he has to worry about? Buying a new engine?"
"Well, sure..."
"I don't know. Saera, you should've heard--" he stopped himself suddenly.
"What? What should I have heard?"
"Nothing. Never mind. You obviously don't want to talk about it. But anyway, are we just going to stand around here all day, or are we going to go bug some one? How about General Rieekan? Leia seems to like him, so maybe he won't call sec on us like Mon Mothma did."
Saera sighed. "Isn't there anything to do on this planet besides drive the Rebellion's high council mad? I mean, I know that's the kind of thing we used to do on Tatooine, but we're adults now, Luke. I'm an adult. Enough with the childish antics."
"I know, I know, we're 'all grown up.' It's just that with such a dangerous job, where you could be blown up any second and you're constantly reminded of it...it's nice to act like a kid. That's why it's so great to have you here. You remind me of what it was like before all this happened." He reached out and touched her cheek gently as she smiled slightly.
"But even you're changed, Saera." He sighed and withdrew his hand. "How could I expect you not to? You've seen the galaxy; you've seen a world outside of Tatooine. I think you've changed in a good way."
"You've changed too, Luke." She looked into his eyes, searching. "But you're still the same boy that was the only one I'd ever hang out with. And the only one I'd trust to go in a speeder with. You may have been crazy, but you were still the only one who knew what he was doing. I guess you proved that to the whole galaxy, huh?"
"Yeah, I guess so." He smiled. She felt his fingers brush against hers and grabbed them, holding him tightly. It was reassuring, and in that moment, Saera realized that she truly loved Luke, as a friend. He was such a wonderful person, how could she not love him as a friend? It was good to just hold his hand and look at him and not think about kissing him or throwing herself at him. In that moment, it was good enough to just be great friends.
"Everything's so different now, isn't it? No more farm boy and small town girl. Why did we have to grow up? Everything was so much simpler when all we knew was Tatooine." No kidding, she thought, pictures of a forlorn Glynn standing over a melted puddle of plastic. "Do you think anyone else knows what that's like?"
"Glynn might be able to, if what you told me about where he grew up is right."
"No, Glynn can't know." Why did he keep bringing him up? She didn't want to talk about him. She didn't eve n want to think about him. Glynn was chaos, and she was tired of chaos. "He grew up in at least some sort of semi-city. You and I, we come from the same place. We've known each other all our lives, and that gives us something he can never hope to achieve."
"If he was given time, he could probably compensate quite well."
"Why do you keep talking about him? I don't want to think about it. He's not important!"
"Saera, you can't just throw someone away and say they're not worth anything!"
"Oh, come on, you know I don't mean that. I'm just tired to talking about everything. First Glynn, now you. All men want to do with me is talk! I thought it was supposed to be the other way around! I just want to sit and...sit." She moved across the room and plunked down on her bunk, leaning against the wall and crossing her arms and putting. Surprisingly, he joined her, placing his arm over her shoulder and smiling down at her.
"You're really something, you know," he whispered into her hair.
"Hey, I said no talking, remember?" She let herself relax into his arms, resting her head on his chest. While the 'being friends' thing was nice, she had to concede that this was far better.
-
So. He wasn't worth anything. He was someone to talked to when there was no one else around, but as soon as Sir Knight Luke came riding along in his shiny new X-Wing, he was worthless. He could deal with that. In fact, now that he'd learned he was about as valuable as the wall he was leaning against, Glynn didn't need to tell Saera that he loved her. Anyway, how could a wall love?
All he'd wanted to do was apologize for acting like such a jerk, to tell Skywalker that he's won; she was his. Then to get them off his ship as fast as possible so he could pilot himself into the nearest black hole.
But the he'd overheard his name, so he stopped to listen. That was when she'd said he didn't matter and she didn't want to talk about him.
It hurt him, that he meant nothing to her, that she felt like everything they'd been through together was worthless. Certainly, he deserved more than to be cast aside at her whim? Obviously not. It seemed like the last three months had been a total waste of time; they seemed to mean nothing to her. All he'd gained was a more pessimistic attitude towards life and a taste of unrequited, bitter love.
Screw her. If she didn't care, why should he? But he did care. He cared enough that he was going to tell her how she'd ruined his life and how much he wished everything had turned out differently. He was going to make sure she knew how much she'd messed him up.
He signed the note, folded the flimsy in half, and placed it in the pocket of her jacket.
Freetrader - I would never have Glynn die of alcohol poisoning! ;) I adore him too much to have him go out in so pathetic a way! He seems more like a doomed lover/Romeo and Juliet type of death, hmmn? Oh, I'm worrying you now, aren't I? Well, I can honestly say that he will never die of any kind of poison, so you can rule out a Romeo death. And I'm sorry, I couldn't pick on Saera. She's such a clueless loser sometimes...Bah! What am I saying, I wrote her! Does that make me a clueless loser? Hmmn...I think so. Well, it's true. BUT! I will pick on her in the next chapter. Egad! I think the next might be the last! (hides from 219-page-long fic) Oh, and I kinda sorta accidentally wrote in more Glynn-torture than I originally planned this chapter (I liked the idea of him destroying Tupperware, and it fit in with later stuff really well)