Partings

Chapter 3: Goodbye

Across from me, Caroline cries.

I want to go to her, hold her and comfort her…but can't. My presence is not welcome.

Lee, his arms around his mother, has hardly looked at me. It makes the pain all the more intense. I feel…I feel as if my heart has shattered into a million pieces…

The priest says the words I've heard too many times before- words I never thought I would hear spoken over my own child. Never.

My son, Zak.

Gone.

Lee leaves his mother and places the medallion of the Fallen Warrior on the casket. He told me he was going to do the honor to Zak, not me.

He said I didn't deserve to.

The Galactica was three days away when the message came. Saul Tigh and I were in a briefing with our flight leaders, discussing the upcoming exercise and inspections. I saw him go pale and look at me. I dismissed the group, but he took me back to my quarters before he would give me the note.

The next few hours were a blur. I gave orders, I know, but they were by reflex. Admiral Nagala arrived shortly afterwards; he would have been notified immediately of a fatal accident involving one of his Vipers. I immediately left in Nagala's commuter ship- it was faster than my own- and I arrived a day after Lee and Lt. Thrace, who accompanied Zak's body back to Caprica. The three of them were stationed together at Picon Base- Lt. Thrace was Zak's flight instructor, Lee was assigned to the Viper squadron.

I immediately went to see Caroline. Lee was there, of course, and I was glad- I didn't want her to be by herself. He said she was too upset and I should leave, that she did not want to see me. I had barely spoken with Lee before he turned and left the room, leaving me alone.

I waited, sitting in the living room of her home- what had been her and my sons' home during the years since our divorce- thinking Lee would return, that he had gone to check on his mother. Caroline would take his death hard- any mother would. Fathers, too. I was trying to be strong; I knew I had to be strong for her and for Lee.

Being in her house always felt odd to me. My sons lived there, the woman I swore my heart to lived there...yet, it was not my home. I felt like an outsider, as if I were trespassing in someone's personal life- my own family's life.

I waited, looking at the pictures of the boys scattered here and there. The pictures I have of them are mostly when they were young, before the divorce. She did not send me any after that, and I saw the boys infrequently as they got older. My time alone with them was usually one or two days at the most, when I was able to take leave and return to Caprica. They had sports and activities that always prevented them from spending much time with me. I understood.

The last few years before they left for college, I saw very little of them. I was on the Galactica by then and our cruises were necessarily long ones for reconnaissance duties. I wrote, called when I could, sent vidmail…I tried to keep in touch, to stay a part of their lives.

Looking back, perhpas my best was not enough- I should have tried harder, made different choices. The boys must have needed more, but I thought we remained fairly close and they knew I loved them, above all. Now, however…

After a while it was evident Lee wasn't going to return, so I left. I assumed Caroline was too upset for him to leave her and spend a few minutes with me. Lee was simply busy taking care of his mother- as he should. We would talk later, I told myself.

At the chapel today, before the funeral, I tried again to speak with Caroline. We've talked little in the past years- only when she was forced to consult with me about a decision or when I called while in port or back at Caprica to see the boys. Even then our short conversations were strained and she seemed uncomfortable.

I've missed her.

I tell myself that we cannot go back, but I can't help but wish…

It may not have been the best time to try to talk with her, but I wanted for her to know I cared, that I shared in her loss. I only wanted the chance to console her.

Lee warned me not to- it would distress her more. He was adamant. I knew he was protective of his mother- she and Lee were always very close- but even so I found his behavior unusual.

I moved to speak with her anyway, but he stepped between us, physically blocking me. He said it would disturb her and I was to stay away.

I didn't understand. I simply wanted to be of comfort…and, in truth, to be comforted in return. I just wanted a moment with her. I asked Lee why.

Lee's rage came as a blow.

He said that because I pushed Zak into joining the military, I was responsible for Zak becoming a pilot, for his being in the Viper that day. He said Zak was trying to earn my approval by joining, but it only got him killed.

He said it as if I had sent Zak to his death.

Lee was distraught and I tried to calm him down, to talk with him, but he would not listen to any of my words. He became more and more upset.

He shouted at me, saying it was my fault- all my fault- and that I didn't care. He said I'd never cared about him, or Zak, or their mother, that they were second in my life and always had been.

He said my being there was a stain on his brother's memory and I had no right to stand beside the coffin as a grieving father.

Lee fell silent, glaring at me, then turned away to his mother.

Behind her black veil, Caroline looked away and said nothing. The priest said it was time to begin.

Lee faced me again and stuck out his hand for the Fallen Warrior medallion saying he would do the honor because I didn't deserve to.

I was not going to argue with my son at his brother's funeral.

I gave it to him.

I have to believe that Lee's anger comes from losing his brother and not from any real belief in my being the cause of Zak's death- I have to. The boys were very close, I know, and the accident and Zak's death is extremely difficult for us all, but surely Lee doesn't hold me responsible. That makes no sense! He cannot actually believe that.

When time passes and Lee has a chance to….to sort out his emotions, I'm sure he'll realize Zak made his own decisions and that I do care- I care very much and I always have. He must realize that- I cannot allow myself to believe otherwise…I don't know how I could live knowing my son blames me… hates me.

It must be- it has to be that. This accusation must be Lee's grief- it's clouding his judgment, his thoughts. I have to believe this…But even so, his words hurt- they hurt me terribly.

My heart is breaking for both my sons.

The medallion glints in the bright sunlight as he lays it on the coffin's surface.

He steps back.

We salute.

Lee returns to his mother without looking at me. It is as if I do not exist.

By my side stands Lt. Kara Thrace. I'd heard a great deal about her from Zak. He would write often, telling me of his classes, of how excited he was to be in flight training, of the girl he'd met. I knew the surprise he hinted at was to be an announcement of their engagement. I was happy for them- I remembered what it was like to be young and in love…so long ago.

I loved Kara Thrace from the moment I met her and my grief is twofold- with Zak's death, I lost a son and a daughter.

Yesterday, after I left Caroline's house, I spent the afternoon with Lt. Thrace, talking. Kara told me she wants to transfer to a ship, that she doesn't feel she can teach anymore. I've decided to request she be assigned to the Galactica. I don't think she will object. I hope she will not. I would like to have her close by so that I can get to know her.

With all my heart, I wish Zak were alive and laughing at Kara's side. I'd give my life a hundred times over to make it so. A thousand times.

To lose those you love is…

My vision of the coffin and Lee and Caroline begins to waver. I reach for Kara's hand and, in return, feel her press her fingers against mine. I close my eyes and feel dampness on my cheeks.

Thank the gods Kara did not pull away. Thank the gods someone else understands…

…and I'm not alone.