I counted the seconds between the bridge and the doors of the Elsa. 327 seconds where I felt as if I couldn't breathe.
When the familiar and welcome walls of the Elsa enveloped us, I took a long, slow breath. The engines had already been started, and the ship rumbled warmly beneath my feet. Captain Matthews knew where we were going, and what we were planning to do.
I looked to my side. The emptiness beside me should have been filled by the smiling Realian who we were setting out to reclaim. The little girl who I had come to-
Love, Jan? Were you about to say love?
No.
I'd forgotten love a long time ago.
The heavy doors to the Elsa's bridge slid open, revealing the crew members in preparation for take off. chaos dutifully took to his own station, like a lost puppy knowingly taking its place in its dog house. Hammer glanced up as we arrived, flashing us a thumbs-up and a grin, turning back to his console. The gears in Captain Matthews' mechanical chair grinded as he lowered himself to our level.
"Going to the Song of Nephilim, right?" he asked as he pulled a fresh cigarette from between his teeth. "Just so you know, I don't intend to leave the Song of Nephilim until we've rescued MOMO. You better get ready!"
Jr. turned his eyes to every one of us in turn, as if asking us if we truly wanted to go through with our plan. When he met my gaze, I saw him blink rapidly in surprise. I let him know that I was not backing down, not now. Jr. looked up at the Captain
"You bet we're ready," he answered in a low tone. Matthews tried to look as if he was annoyed with the news, but I knew better.
"Man, I can't believe I'm stuck doing this," he muttered mechanically through his teeth. "You better fork over a lot of hazard pay!"
"Don't worry," Shion said, her eyes focused on the Captain's intently. He faltered for a moment, then cleared his throat, elevating his chair once more.
"Hey, Tony! Get us outta here, pronto!" He called loudly. The helmsman stuck his thumb into the air as an affirmative.
"Aye-aye Captain!" he said jovially. The thrusters fired at his command, and the locks holding us to the catwalk unlocked with a severed clicking. The shutters on the forward bay windows opened with a mechanical whirring, revealing the innards of the Durandal's port. In the distance, the hangar door opened to allow us passage into the outside blackness of space. I grimaced widely.
The Elsa veered out of the wide hangar, turning sharply as it exited the Durandal. An extra boost from the rear thrusters sent us hurtling straight into the crossfire between the Dämmerung and the still-present Gnosis.
Funny, I had all but forgotten them.
As Tony ducked and weaved the ship artfully through the war zone, my eyes fixed themselves on the Song of Nephilim. It loomed before us, a leviathan. MOMO was in there, somewhere, with, from what little information Jr. had allowed, what was to be considered a madman.
MOMO... I let you down.
I felt a strange weakness in my knees. I ran a quick systems check and found nothing was wrong.
I let you down. I failed. I turned my back for a moment, and you were gone.
Gone.
My knees buckled, and I stumbled slightly. Shion, surprise in her vibrant green eyes, looked to me with surprise.
"Ziggy," she asked, "are you okay?" I nodded lightly, regaining my footing.
"Yes, I'm..." I glanced at the Song of Nephilim. A dark feeling deep in my gut. "I'm fine."
MOMO is going to die, and it's all your fault, Jan.
Shion stared at the pallor of my face, her eyebrows tilting upward, a sign of concern. "Are you sure?" she voiced softly. She raised her hand from her side, perhaps in attempts to console.
I shied from her hand, afraid of her touch. She withdrew the hand slightly. I took a step backward.
"Yes, I'm..." I trailed off pathetically, the pain of the whispered statement in my mind burning into me. Without even finishing my thought, I turned away from the woman, away from the oppressive sight of the Song of Nephilim. I couldn't stand to look at it any longer. It only brought the strange, pounding feeling in my gut and the unexplained weakness of my knees. The door leading from the bridge opened as I neared and shut quietly behind me. I didn't care if Shion followed me.
I didn't care anymore.
I had failed.
I had failed in my promise, that whispered promise while she slept, to protect her. To make sure she met with no harm.
I clenched my human fist, painfully digging my fingers into the flesh of my palm. Something in me snapped then. With a growl of anger, I lashed out the balled fist. It cracked into the wall of the Elsa loudly, painfully. The sound reverberated in the empty hall of fist meeting metal. I raised my hand again, mechanically, and repeated the motion over again. The dull sound filled my ears.
Anger seethed and boiled in me. Anger at myself.
Again my fist met the wall. It buckled slightly under the pressure. Again the pain filled my arm. Again I was reminded of MOMO's plight, and how it was my fault that she was facing it.
My fault.
I grounded my fist into the wall.
My fault.
The metal under my fist squealed in pain.
My fault... just like before.
I pulled my arm back, far back, to strike out at the wall again, to release the anger in my heart, when I felt two hands take it gently to prevent me from harming either the wall or myself any further. My eyes, ablaze with the anger escaping from the void, turned to see who had stopped me.
Shion was silent, holding my throbbing hand in both of hers, a pained light in her eyes.. Tension suddenly slipped from me, the anger creeping back into my locked soul, and I slowly released the fist I had made in my right hand. Her smaller hands slipped from mine, and my arm fell harmlessly to my side.
She let the silence saturate itself in the once-noisy hall, before she said, in a quiet tone, "What's wrong, Ziggy? Please talk to me." Briefly, I glanced at her eyes, seeing nothing but confidentiality. I shook my head.
"No, Shion, I don't wish to-"
"I know it's about MOMO," Shion muttered.
As if losing all of my strength, I fell back against the cool metal wall, utterly defeated.
"Yes," I said quietly. That was all. A silence passed between us, and I hated it more than the clanging of the wall in my outburst. Shion slowly leaned against the wall next to me.
"MOMO... She's a strong girl," Shion tried to comfort me. "You shouldn't let it get to you."
"No," I said again, shaking my head. "I can't just let it go, as if another passing thing. I swore that I would protect her, never let her be placed in harm's way or-" A searing shock of pain passed through me. "Or killed," I finished, quieter. Shion saw the change that went through me, for she turned to face me.
"I know that MOMO cares about you, Ziggy," she said. I glanced up. "More than you want to realize. Even what you were saying to Jr. on the Durandal..." She made as if to lace her hand on my shoulder, but thought better of it. "It's okay to care about her."
"No, I..." I could feel the hidden emotions wishing to show themselves, to see the light. I calmed myself a degree. "If emotions are allowed to take hold, the whole mission could crumble."
Even as I said the words, I knew I was lying. All I wanted was to see MOMO. Just to see her, know that she came to no harm. To hold her, safe in my arms, seemed too much to ask.
Shion inspected my impassable face, and, thinking the case lost, turned from me to head toward the bridge. I almost said nothing. But my voice called out before I could stop it.
"Shion," I said in an undertone. She turned. "If... If I care about MOMO... then perhaps I should not accompany you on this mission." Shion smiled then. They way it seemed almost to imitate MOMO's seemed a mockery. Then it took on its own shape, Shion's smile, contented, pleased.
"If you care about her, it's all the more reason to go after her."
With that, I was left standing alone in the hall. I scrutinized the spot in the wall that had undergone my brutal treatment. I could have laughed. I hadn't known I had been holding back. It was all that was left of my sudden outburst. I sighed, pushing my body off of the cold wall with a grunt.
What if Jr. and Shion were right? Had I been wrong all of this time? Who should I believe? Closing my eyes, I answered my own question. Hiding behind my eyelids was the image of MOMO, hiding behind the bars of the U-TIC prison cell. Her hopeful golden eyes peering up at me with curiosity, smiling sweetly as the door opened to my touch. Then she told me her name. A pang in my heart. MOMO.
Ziggy...
I looked up sharply. It had been MOMO's voice. My heart was racing. It was her voice in my mind.
Ziggy... I'm scared...
"MOMO," I said into the hall, half expecting her to answer me.
She was in danger, and it was my fault. But now it was my duty to find her, to protect her, to-
Say it, Jan.
To love her.
Realization poured over me like a sudden rain. It took the breath right from my chest. I loved MOMO Mizrahi as if she had been born from me. And I never knew, not until that very moment. I loved MOMO like the daughter I never had, and she loved me like the father she should have had.
I turned from my position, and I stepped onto the bridge.
AN: Man oh man... Can you believe I had the majority of this chapter written since last year? That's how excited I was about this plot point. I hope everyone likes it, and I hope it fits in well. Shout out to my biggest fan, you know who you are. XD Here's to all Ziggy fans; may he be the coolest cyborg ever. Oh wait... he IS!