'Losing Scully' By Kathryn Lucas - Mulder and Scully don't belong to me...Yadda, Yadda, Yadda.
Rating - PG
Spoilers - None
Keywords - Mulder/Scully romance Character death
Summary - From Mulder's point of view. Scully's death and funeral.
'Losing Scully'
By Kathryn Lucas
I am alone and desolate. People tell me to hold on to the happiness she
brought me, remember the good things. Right now that is something I can't
do. I cannot get past the one image of her I would have traded my life
never to see. Drenched in blood and slipping away...
She is covered in blood. The bullet has ripped through her stomach. Her
face is contorted in pain.
"Hold me." She manages
"Scully..."I begin ready to tell her not to give up. But as I look down at
her I realise the truth. There is no hope. Help is coming but it will not
arrive in time. There is nothing I can do. Her eyes plead with me
silently. I nod. "Of course" I consent and I lift her off the floor. She
sits up beside me, trying desperately to mask the pain sweeping through
her body. I pull her close to me.
"Mulder, I..."She tries
"Scully, let's not do the slushy movie bit. It's not our style." I
struggle to hold back the tears, she looks at me and tries to smile but a
wince of pain engulfs her face instead.
"It's not fair" She whispers, anger clearly evident in her voice. "We never got the chance.."
I pull her against me. Her head on my shoulder.
"Scully, you are the most important person in my life. What we have, is something most people never even glimpse. We should be grateful for that. I know I am."
Her breathing is getting heavier. I can almost feel her slipping away.
"Don't give up" She whispers pulling away slightly to look in my eyes.
"Keep looking" I nod not trusting my voice. "I'll be right here" she adds
softly pressing her hand to my heart.
"Always" I say without hesitation. I can no longer restrain the tears. She
falls against me in a kiss, I feel her breath on my lips. I kiss her back,
softly. Then she pulls back to look in my eyes. She smiles as her eyes
close. And her head falls on my shoulder. I know she is gone, but I
continue to hold her, stroking her hair, whispering words of
comfort...and love.
I stand and walk slowly to the front of the church. There is a large crowd
assembled, gathered together to mourn the loss of a person they all had
cared for in their own separate ways. Dana Scully.
And as I glance around at the faces of those present, I realise just how
loved my Scully had been. I know I can not expect a crowd half this size
to mourn me when my time comes. And as my gaze rests on the coffin, I
found myself wishing that my time had come before this day, I am angry
that death has not taken me and spared me this unbearable pain.
Maggie Scully is not crying, her face is pale and she has dark circles
about her eyes. But she sheds no tears. My heart goes out to this woman
who has the horror of attending the funeral of another of her children. I
catch her gaze and try desperately to summon a look of comfort but it will
not come. I turn to face the mourners.
"I am here today as we all are, to say goodbye to Dana Scully. I have
faced many things in my life, terrors and pain. But this is without
question the hardest thing I have ever done. Not least because I must face
it without her. I don't want to say goodbye."
My voice cracks slightly and I pause as I struggle to remain composed.
"When I first met Dana Scully, I was suspicious of her. I doubted her
integrity. But after spending a day with her, I never made that mistake
again. We all have our faults and Scully was no exception, but lack of
integrity was never one of them. She was the most honest, reliable and
trustworthy person I have ever known. In our work trust was always an
important factor and there is no one I trusted more than Scully. Over the
years we worked together I have questioned many things, but the one thing
I always knew with absolute and unshakable certainty was that Scully would
always be there if I needed her. "
My voice cracks again and a tear escapes down my cheek.
"I need her now" I whisper to myself.
"But even as I stand here and grieve for our loss. I am comforted by
something which no one can ever take from me. Memories. Of the times we
have spent together. Of things she told me. Of the shine in her eyes as
her face crumpled into laughter. Of..." I can not finish the images
filling my head of her face, crying laughing, angry, becomes to much to
dwell on. Tears begin streaming down my cheeks.
" I am sure that in time these memories may comfort me. But now all I am
aware of is the gaping void where her presence once was. Dana believed in
Heaven and right now so do I. I know she is still with us watching us. And
at the moment I can't find strength in that because I want to hear her
voice and feel her touch. But I hope that eventually I will find solace in
her beliefs of life after death."
I look up at the church and see the rows of people, some are crying, some
look close to tears. But they all seem to share a look of pity just for
me. They all seem to know the depth of my pain in that instant. They all
know I loved her. I turn to the coffin and take a deep breath.
"I am angry at the loss of this woman who meant the world to me. But in
the end, I thank God that I was lucky enough to have her in my life at
all. That I was chosen to be someone who she turned to. I am lucky enough
to have seen her tears and heard her laughter and to have felt her
presence for nearly six years. I would trade anything, anything for a
little more time with her. But I cannot. I can only put all my faith in
the belief that one day I will feel her presence again."
THE END