Spider-Bat Presents

Harry Potter

and

The Half-Witted Musical 2

Chapter 2: I Will Sock You/I Am an Idiot/Where Are the Brains?

"What was that all about?" asked Hermione's mom, who's got it going on.

"Apparently," said Hermione. "they think you've got it going on!"

"Really?" Hermione's mom, who we can call Hottmoma or Mrs. Granger, said. "Well, you can call me Hottmoma or Mrs. Granger. Now, Hermione, where is this evil dentist-hater?"

"Over there."

Mrs. Granger walked over to Voldemort. "Hey, are you Voldemort?"

"Why, yes I--" Voldemort said, turning around. He was interrupted by the dentist drill and yucky fluoride treatment in her hand. "I mean-- what? I can't hear you! I think I'm deaf!"

Mrs. Granger broke into song:

"Buddy, you're a boy, make a big noise, killing kids every second, yay! You've got crud on your face! You ugly disgrace! I just realized that's your nose.

"I will-- I will sock you! I will-- I will sock you!

"Buddy, you're a young man, hot man, what am I saying I'm married-- but to a gay! Blood on your face! EW, EW, EW! Waving your wand all over the place!

"I will-- I will sock you! I will-- I will sock you!

"Buddy, you're an old man, poor man, you've got red eyes and it's really gross, oh yeah! Got crap on your face! Big disgrace! Somebody better put you in a place for insane!

"I will-- I will sock you! I will-- I will sock you! I will-- I will sock you! I will-- I will sock you!"

Harry took center stage.

"I've took a poop… time after time! I've done my sentence, and that's all fine! But bad mistakes… I've made a few! I sometimes drop a load in class; yes I go poo!

"He's an idi-idi-idiot!

"I am an idiot, oh yeah! But I keep on fighting with no right hand! I am so stupid! I am so stupid! No time for choosing cause I am an idiot… oh, yeah!

"I've eaten a bowel… and someone's right ball. You've given me fame and fortune and everything that goes with it; I thank you all! But can't you see you're all foolish! You're idiots too! I consider myself challenged, overweight, and filled with poo!

"He's an idi-idi-idiot!

"I am an idiot, oh yeah! But I keep on fighting with no right hand! I am so stupid! I am so stupid! No time for choosing cause I am an idiot… oh, yeah!

"I am an idiot, oh yeah! But I keep on fighting with no right hand! I am so stupid! I am so stupid! No time for choosing cause I am an idiot…"

"What has that got to do with Voldemort?" asked Hottmoma.

"Um…"

"How about this, you fools?" asked Voldemort, braking into song.

"Where, where are the brains?

"What's wrong this school, preachers? People living like they ain't got no teachers! I think the whole school should go back to Kindergarten! This place is attracting the people who're retarded! Overseas, yeah they got President Bush! But it ain't nothing compared to us! Now, that's just gay! Malfoy's first name's Drakey! But if you actually love this student guys, I suggest you get help before y'all die, and if you die then I'll eat pie, so take control of your mind and meditate and worship Voldiemort, dawgs!"

"People setting me on fire! Children acting like some liars! If they practice anything, there'd be some decency! Father, father, father help us! I need some acid rain… to come down upon this retard school- Where are the brains?

"It just can't be sane; always the same; school days are strange; is the world the same? If love and peace is so strong, where is Hermione's mom's thong? We should drop some bombs! Chemical gasses filling lungs of little ones… ongoing suffering-- they were to young anyway! Ask yourself: Are they really worth it now? Ask yourself: Were we all wrong… by worshipping little kids… let's just kill these little kids… they're making wrong decisions with these visions that keep me shiverin'! Now if we respect each other, deny this brother! A war's going on, but Potter's still retarded! The truth is kept secret; why's he so dumb? If you don't know the truth you're also really dumb! Where's the brains, yall? You don't know! Where's the brains, yall? You don't know! Oh, where's the brains?

"People setting me on fire! Children acting like some liars! If they practice anything, there'd be some decency! Father, father, father help us! I need some acid rain… to come down upon this retard school- Where are the brains?

"I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders! As I'm getting older, yall keep getting duller! Wrong information always shown in the media, telling' yall Harry invented Einsteinium! Infecting your own minds faster than bacteria… making yall have a huge Pottermania!

"Whatever happened to the values of humanity, alls yall are full of stupidity! Instead of spreading smarts, you're spreading idiocy! Like it? Good! Yall gotta live with it anyway! That's the reason why sometimes I'm feeling under… That's the reason why sometimes I'm feeling down! It's no wonder why sometimes I'm feeling under! But I gotta keep my faith alive and kill ya now! So ask yourself…

"Where are the brains? Where are the brains? Where are the brains? Where are the brains?

"Father, father, father help us! I need some acid rain… to come down upon this retard school- Where are the brains?

"Sing with me, yall! One cell… one cell! That's all ya got! One cell… one cell! In your brain! One cell… one cell! And something's wrong with it-- something's wrong with it-- something's wrong with your b-brain cell! You only got one cell… one cell! That's all ya got! One cell… one cell!

"THANK YOU, NEW YORK!"

6/5/05