What Fate Decrees - Part Thirty-six

After a run Jack and Sam ate a hurried breakfast before reporting for duty. On the drive in Jack was quiet, certainly not his usual self.

When lunchtime came, Sam didn't go looking for Jack – he had told her on the way in that he had a meeting scheduled, so she took the opportunity to meet up with Janet.

"Hey, how are you?" asked Janet brightly.

"Fine, fancy lunch?"

"Great, give me five and we're out of here." It wasn't long before they made their way to the mess.

"You're awfully quiet," said Janet when they'd nearly finished eating. "You look tired."

"A bit," admitted Sam.

Janet smirked. "I'd have thought that all that paperwork would have tired Jack out."

Sam shook her head and, smiling, told her about him falling asleep at his desk the day before.

"I wondered why he hadn't been in for aspirin. Paperwork usually gives him a headache," laughed Janet. "In fact, he's usually prowling about, looking for any distraction. I'm surprised I haven't seen him."

"Yeah, don't I know it. He usually takes turns annoying me and Daniel 'til he breaks something I'm working on, then he grabs Teal'c."

Sam was only half concentrating on the conversation as she tried to think of a way to broach the subject of Jack's nightmare. She wasn't aware of the distress that showed on her face.

Janet put a hand on her shoulder, concerned. "Honey, is something the matter?"

Feeling tired and a bit emotional Sam could only nod.

"Let's go to my office, we can have a coffee."

Janet poured two coffees from the never empty pot and gently sat Sam down on the chair before perching on the desk near her. "Come on, what's troubling you?"

"Oh, Janet, you'll probably think this is really stupid."

Janet looked at her friend with concern. "If it's upset you like this, it can't be stupid," she said evenly.

"Well, last night," Sam took a breath. "I gave Jack the glove."

"I guess he was pretty upset?"

Sam nodded. "He was … well, very …. anyway we eventually went to bed … and Jack woke up, he … oh," she sighed.

"He had a nightmare," finished Janet for her.

Sam looked at her in surprise.

"I know all about his … well, you could call them nightmares," said Janet. Sam frowned at her words, and Janet hurried on. "I should have warned you, it can be a bit alarming."

"I've seen him have bad dreams before, off world, but this was … I don't think it was about Charlie …"

"It's not always nightmares you know, he has suffered from bad flash-backs."

"So he's actually reliving something from his past?"

Janet nodded "I know you don't know an awful lot of Jack's history. I can't fill you in, heck even General Hammond doesn't know all of it, it's so classified, but I can tell you that occasionally something will kick him and it flares up. Usually if he's out of it, hurt or drugged he will react quite violently, but you know that - you know not to touch him when he's out of it, don't you?"

Sam nodded. "So … last night …. you think the glove could have sparked it ….?"

"Possibly, and his first day back, paperwork, mission reports. He probably had to get the last mission written up…who can say. You are okay aren't you, you didn't get hurt?"

"Jack wouldn't hurt me."

"Not intentionally he wouldn't, but when he's not aware you've got to be careful around him. He doesn't react to the present, it's the past playing out again."

Sam thought about how Jack must feel when he woke from one of these – be they flash-backs or nightmares. She swallowed, unable to speak.

Janet put a hand out and rested it on her arm. "I'm sorry; I hope I've not frightened you."

Sam nodded. "I was frightened Janet, but not for myself, for Jack. To see him suffering in that state - that frightened me. God you should have seen his face." A tear trickled down her cheek and she wiped at it angrily. "I couldn't help but wonder what those bastards did to him to put that fear there. There's so much I don't know about him." The tears fell more freely as she spoke.

"I have a fair idea from his medical files, but I can't tell you much, you know that. He went through four months of hell imprisoned in Iraq, and he's been captured and tortured more than once since. You know about some. God, even just SG-1 missions are enough to give anyone nightmares."

"How do I help him?"

"By being there for him as you are. There are no guarantees in this life, but if you love him you'll accept the rest."

"I do love him, so much so that at times it's frightening, and I do know I want him no matter what."

"Maybe he'll talk about it to you."

Sam smiled sadly at that. "He never opens up to anyone. Daniel said he thinks that's one of the reasons Jack's marriage to Sara failed."

"Yeah his way of dealing with things is to shut it away, but the trouble is it comes out to bite you on the ass now and again." Janet returned Sam's smile.

Sam grabbed some tissues off the desk and blew her nose. "Thanks, I feel a lot better being able to talk to someone about this. I know he probably won't talk to me, but at least I can understand when it happens, and be there for him."

Janet laughed. "And don't forget the no touch rule."

"Spoil sport," teased Sam.

"Thata girl Sam. Take good care of him, he's worth it."

"Oh yes, very worth it."

Sam went back to her lab and put in a couple more hours of work before she went in search of Jack. She found him back in his office, paperwork scattered across the desk.

He looked up at the soft knocking and gave Sam welcoming smile as she entered. "Thank goodness. I was going stir crazy."

"Are you anywhere near ready for home? I feel like an early night," she asked, softly.

His face lit up. "Well, that's an offer I can't refuse," he said, needing no second bidding as he gathered up his jacket and locked the door behind them.

"How did today go?" she asked as they made their way up top.

"Except for boring meetings and yet more paperwork, just peachy," he grumbled. "How about you?"

"Fine, guess I'm a bit tired though."

xoxoxoxoxoxo

Sam's words reawakened the feelings of worry and guilt Jack had woken with and he stopped talking. The memories of the night had come back to him during the day. He knew he'd had a dozy of a flashback and knew they were not a pretty sight. He wondered how Sam was really taking it.

They crossed the compound to Jack's truck and the journey home was made in relative silence. All his thoughts kept criss-crossing as he worried how Sam felt about him and his past. His past was ugly for the most part. A lot of it still turned his stomach if he thought about it. He knew his way of dealing with things was hard on others. It was what had driven him and Sara apart after the death of Charlie - those tears he couldn't shed with her, the feelings he couldn't express. He didn't want to push Sam away like that, but he was also frightened that if she knew everything, she wouldn't want him. It was so hard to even think of the terrors in his life; to talk about them was something even worse.

xoxoxoxoxoxo

Sam kept glancing at Jack, wondering what was going through his mind. Wisely she kept quiet, but couldn't resist giving his arm a loving squeeze as he drove. Jack gave her an absent smile before turning his gaze back to the road.

xoxoxoxoxoxo