Marketing Strategies of Present-Day America
By
E. S. Young
Because we're nearing the end of SGiYE, because time is not on my side, because I can't seem to get two bloody chapters written, because I couldn't work this into any of my stories, and because I hate to see a brutally twisted idea like this go to waste…I'm posting a new, albeit short story. Just consider this as my way of propitiating you guys since I haven't updated SGiYE in a while. Hope it tides you over. It's taken from Sands' point of view shortly after the release of Shrek 2, and I'm promising interest, if that assuages you. ;)
SSS
Ladies and gentlemen…Shrek…is…a whore.
Of course, it may be difficult for some of you to digest the previous statement. After all, Shrek is a beloved icon for children and adults alike. Let it be known here and now that I am not trying to bring an end to your love for Shrek like I did with cinnamon. By all means, go ahead and worship him, lick his shoes for all I care. My only request is that, when your donning your Shrek boxer shorts of making sweet, sweet love to your life-sized Shrek doll, you remember that you are wearing underpants and whacking off to a toy that uses a whore as its spokesman.
You may be – hell, I'm sure you are – asking yourself just how I came about this discovery. It's quite an interesting story…
Several days ago, shortly following Shrek 2's debut, my, ahem, "charming" younger sister and I were at the supermarket. I know. It sounds lame, going grocery shopping with your little sister – I have to hold her hand, y'know; she's helpless without me. But if any one of your sisters is at all like mine (hopefully not), you'll know that grocery shopping isn't lame at all. On the contrary, it's quite interesting. You learn stuff. Like the government's plot to brainwash us all with spices, those lying, conniving bastar – but anyway, I digress.
While it may sound like I was the one who learned something, it was, for once, the other way around. Y'see, usually Lyn's the one who comes up with the conspiracy theories; I just pass 'em along. However, this time…things were different.
Lyn was just about to reach for a bottle of Diet Pepsi (it tastes like cat piss; don't know how chicks drink it) when I muttered an aggrivated "Ah, shit," causing Lyn to withdraw her hand and raise a confused eyebrow.
"What is it?"
I was blunt. "Shrek. That friggin' whore."
Needless to say, this didn't staunch Lyn's confusion in the least. She asked me to explain myself further and, rather than being straight with her (cuz, y'know, it's fun to screw with Lyn – no innuendo intended, especially since she's a fuckin' dominatrix) I gifted my dear sister with a vocabulary lesson.
"Check the dictionary. I guarantee you that if you look up the word 'whore' in Webster there'll be a picture of Shrek beside it."
"Because…?"
I sighed. "Lyn…I know what you're thinking. Some flabby chick standing on the corner in New York wearing makeup from the Dollar Tree and too much of it along with torn fishnets, and making a dime for giving some fuckwad a handjob. But that's not what a whore is."
"Right," she agreed dryly. "A whore is a person just like you or me who shouldn't be treated any differently because of her career of choice. After all, she might not be able to help the fact that she's a dirty skank. Besides, being a hooker's good money."
"Christ, no," I exclaimed, cringing. "Lyn, don't give me that fucking stereotyping shit –" Although stereotyping is morally wrong, kids " –I'm just trying to make you aware of a fact: Shrek…is…a whore!"
"How is he a whore, Sands?" she asked dully.
"Just look around. The bastard's everywhere. He's selling Pepsi, he's selling chips, toothpaste, shampoo, clothing, Twinkies… Hell, I'd be surprised if there weren't Shrek Condoms already…"
"That's nice, Sands…but how does it make Shrek a whore?"
I sighed with disdain. She may have skipped two grades back in school, but, Christ, sometimes my sister can be so thick…
"Lyn, a whore isn't just a prostitute. Okay, so that's probably the first definition, but…a whore is also someone who gives up their time, name, or image for financial benefit. Example: One day I was so fucking tired of my job, I told the one guy that 'I'd had enough of prostituting my time to these assholes.'"
"Oh, so, some kid could say that they hate prostituting their time with math,"
"Yes," I replied, "if they were making money off of it, which they're not. But anyway, back to Shrek…he's a whore for Disney –"
"Dreamworks."
"Anyway…he's selling himself to all of these companies and he's making money off of it."
I think this is the point when it finally sunk in, because Lyn suddenly looked a bit fazed. Her eyes got really big and she started to blink a lot – kinda like when she's drunk. It's funny.
"Shrek…Shrek's a whore!"
"And Dreamworks is his pimp," I replied knowingly. I shook my head. "It just disgusts me, cuz when Shrek first came out, I like him, liked his movie…but then Shrek 2 comes along, and suddenly he's everywhere. No matter where I turn, there's Shrek. He's on my underwear, he's in my food. His merchandise like herpes or something… you can't get rid of him."
"I just have to wonder what'll happen once he runs out of stuff to latch his name onto."
I shrugged and said offhandedly, "He'll probably turn to drugs."
Lyn's eyes widened.
"Something tells me that the idea of a digitally animated cartoon character becoming a junkie is highly unlikely, Sands –"
"No, no… I don't mean he's gonna use drugs. I mean he's gonna sell them. After all, what's left for him after Shrek Condoms?"
"Oh, great," my sister sighed. "I can see it now: 'Boxes of ecstasy and LSD were discovered in a young, promising honor student's bedroom. The drugs were cleverly disguised as Shrek Sweettarts – a candy we're all too familiar with.' And thus, Shrekstasy is born."
So you see, children, Shrek is, quite undeniably, a whore. However, if you still remain unconvinced and feel the need to pummel me for befouling the good name of Shrek the Saint, allow me to offer you a bit of proof with a little help from our friend Merriam Webster.
Webster's Dictionary has three definitions listed under 'whore.' The first one is, admittedly, 'a prostitute.' The second one is 'A person considered sexually promiscuous.' But the third is the one that proves my point: 'A person considered as having compromised principles for personal gain.'
So I was wrong. Not about Shrek – he's still a friggin' whore – but when I said that a whore was someone who sold their time, name, or image for financial gain. Because a whore isn't just someone who sells themselves for money – they sell themselves for personal gain, which could mean anything. So, really children…we're all whores, students, teachers, and CIA agents alike…because, like Shrek, we're all prostituting ourselves. One way or another.
SSS
Don't hate me; just review. :D;;
Disclaimer: I don't own Webster's Dictionary, Sands, Once Upon a Time in Mexico, Shrek, Shrek 2, Pepsi, Twinkies, or any other type of Shrek-induced merchandise. Shrekstacy is all mine, though. Fell free to use it, just don't abuse it, and please credit. Unless the cops find out and haul you in for questioning. Then you've got nothing to do with me. ;D