Disclaimer: Obviously, I wouldn't blow up things that were my own.

The Subway Ride from Hell

"I am officially in hell," Severus Snape stated.

Now Snape had endured various types of torture while he was a deatheater and hadn't ever come close to spilling his guts. But if the Dark Lord had stuck him on a subway car with Ron Weasley, he would have told his secrets so fast that it would have left Voldemort's head spinning.

Snape glanced down at his watch. His jaw dropped open. The Weasley brat and he had only been sitting there for five minutes. They still had fifteen more minutes to endure. Life just wasn't fair.

"You know, I always wanted to be a doctor," Ron stated, the comment coming out of nowhere. Or at least nowhere that Snape wanted to go.

"You don't even have the brains to be a lab rat," Snape said, hopping the red headed monstrosity would shut it.

No such luck for dear Snape.

"I resemble that remark!" Ron protested.

Snape just shook his head in disbelief at the boy's stupidity. "I love it when people prove my point for me. It saves so much work on my behalf."

Ron just stared at his former Potions Master. Ron hated it when Snape talked smart. Well, to be honest, he hated it when anyone talked smart. So he hated it when anyone talked period.

After a few more minutes passed, Ron decided he couldn't stand not talking any longer.

"So," Ron started, trying to be casual, " you like 'Mione?"

Snape glared at him. "Whatever gave you such a stupid idea? She's my former student!"

Ron smiled and replied triumphantly, "The writer told me."

"Last time I'm ever a character in one of her stories," Snape fumed.

Seeing that Snape was in one of his "talk to me and you will find your wand in a place where the sun don't shine" moods, he decided it was wise not to continue the conversation. Yes, Ron made a wise choice. Miracles happen once in a while, when you believe….

Snape looked up. "She's not singing, is she?"

Ron listened carefully. "Yeah, sounds like that song by Myra."

Snape made a disgusted face. "Why do you know that?" he asked.

"It was on the Princess Diaries," Ron stated proudly, happy to have known something Snape didn't know.

"I'm sorry I asked."

No wonder Ron was so strange. He watched and remembered in great detail obvious chick flicks. Not that Snape didn't enjoy watching "Sleepless in Seattle" every now and again, but that was a classic. So it was different.

All of the sudden, Snape heard something that sounded an awful lot like…

"Oh, for heaven's sake!" he yelled. The Weasel was humming!

"What?" Ron said. "She got the song stuck in my head."

Snape looked around for a heavy object to bang his head against. If he was lucky, he'd damage his hearing.

Fortunately, for Snape and the other passengers who were starting to get annoyed, Ron stopped humming.

Unfortunately, a few minutes later, he started whistling "Stupid Cupid" by Mandy Moore. After the first line, he felt a hand rest on his shoulder. He turned to look into the twinkling eyes of a very scary looking professor. Now twinkling eyes in the head of Albus Dumbledore was just annoying. In the head of Snape it was just the singularly most creepy thing in the entire universe.

"Stop…now."

Ron giggled nervously and began to rethink his opinion of the demise of Neville Longbottom. Apparently, the disaster on legs, had been singing karaoke at the Leaky Cauldron a few nights before graduation. On this particular night, Snape had gone to the bar to drink himself into a stupor. Now everyone knew Neville was hands down the worst singer in the history of the universe and that he was even more clumsy after a few drinks then normal. So when he didn't come back that night, his roommates weren't too surprised and went out to drag him back to Hogwarts. When they had gotten there they had discovered no inebriated Longbottom, but an inebriated Snape with suspicious red stains on his robes. Snape to this day, insists that they were cherry stains and that Neville had probably taken a very long walk off a very short cliff. The next day a poll had gone around among the students, asking what people really thought had happened. Ron had figured that Neville, being even stupider than he was, had probably given the Whomping Willow a hug and been crushed to dust. After all, the tree did work out, with Ron's dad's car. But after seeing Snape's appreciation for music, Ron was thinking he had judged the tree too harshly.

Snape looked down at his watch again. Only 7 more minutes left. If he was lucky, Ronnypoo (as Mrs. Weasley called him) would remain quiet for the remaining time. So of course, Ron decided now was a good time to ask the murder suspect a question.

"Where's Malfoy? He's suppose to be blown up in every story he appears in."

"Clearly, the janitors got tired of cleaning up bits of pureblood and went on strike. So then the author had to clean up last time," Severus explained. "I heard she didn't fancy it."

All of the sudden, as if he was waiting for his cue, Draco Malfoy's head appeared in the window across from the pair. We'll just ignore the fact that the subway car was moving at the time.

"Ahh!" Ron screamed, as he jumped twelve feet in the air. The problem with this was that, the car roof wasn't twelve feet high. Moments later, Ron came back down through the roof and landed in Snape's arms. Snape promptly dropped the wimp on the floor.

"A face like that should never come of out nowhere like that," Ron whimpered. "What's she trying to do anyway, kill me?"

Snape smiled.

Ron gulped.

Draco blew up.

Ron turned to ask Snape how Draco blew up, but the writer read his thoughts and instead of coming up with a logical explanation, she obliviated his memory of the last few minutes.

As the subway car came to a stop and the two got out, Ron looked around the platform with a confused look on his face.

Snape, knowing that a question was bound to come bounding at him in a few moments, tried to duck back into the car. Arthur and Molly might not be happy that he left their son all alone in London, but he didn't really like them anyway, so it didn't matter. But before he could escape, Ron turned and opened a seldom closed mouth.

"So where's Malfoy?"