Charlie: Okay, I just finished playing FE8, and let me tell you, the game is great, but some of the motives and logic in the villians and just, parts of the overall plot are just… absolutely STUPID. So, I bring you my latest crazy undertaking, the entirety of FE8, abridged. This is a one shot. DO not read if you haven't finished the game and you're psycho crazy on spoilers. Otherwise, enjoy. And I don't own FE.
Warning: there is the mention of twincest in this fic. But I am not supporting it. I am satirizing it.
The Entirety of Fire Emblem: The Sacred Stones Abridged.
Castle Renais-
"Our army is nonexistent. Even though logically it took them a few weeks to get there and I had ample time to amass a force strong enough to defeat them, the country somehow doesn't have an army. I must stay here and find the truth…even though the people invading this place probably wouldn't know, and they would probably kill me, I must stay anyways. Seth, take Eirika and go." King Fado said.
"Okay!" Seth said. He grabs Eirika and leaves. The invading Grado forces happen to miss her leaving and enter a staring contest with Fado.
outside-
"I am VALTER!" A wyvern knight announced.
"Lets fight!" Seth said. "I will use my iron sword against your silver lance even though I have a silver lance myself just for the hell of it."
"You are injured!" Valter said. "Now I shall stupidly send three fighters with no skill after you."
"Take this rapier." Seth said to Eirika. "You must ride alone if need be."
"I can fight." Eirika said.
"You shall die." The lead fighter said.
The fighters get pwned to nobody but their surprise and Seth and Eirika ride on.
Mulan-
"Grado forces approach." A soldier said.
"We must stay until we know Eirika is safe." Tana said.
"Then I shall go stand outside and get pwned." The soldier said.
He goes outside and gets pwned.
"Who are you?" the Knight who pwned the soldier asked Tana.
"I am Tana, the princess of Frelia. I am telling you this just because." Tana said. "Now leave or else."
"Despite the fact that I know I will regret it if I stay, I shall hold you hostage." The knight said. "Now I shall stand at the gate and wait for Eirika to come pwn me."
"That Mulan." Eirika said. "Now lets go fight 3:1 odds against us just for the heck of it."
"I am Gilliam! I have come at the perfect time to help." Gilliam said arriving with Franz.
"You know, you can pwn that knight over there if you have a rapier." A random villager tells Seth as he suddenly barges into his house.
"Oh…okay." Said Eirika hearing this. She goes over and pwns the knight with her rapier.
"Gack! I've been vanqished!" the knight said.
"Eirika! It's you! I'm so happy and all that jazz." Tana said.
They go to Castle Frelia.
Castle Frelia-
"Your father is dead." King Hayden said.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Eirika screeched. "I must go find my brother now."
"That is suicide." King Hayden said.
"I must for the sake of twincest." Eirika said.
"Eww.." King Hayden said. "But if that'll keep Ephraim off my precious Tana, the I shall send you off with three of my best troops leaving these generic people to defend me. After all, I am short on troops…since Grado is the only nation WITH troops in this game."
"Thank you!" Eirika said.
Random village-
"Perfect time to randomly ravage these villages just because we're bandits." A bandit said.
"I am ROSS! Son of the warrior Garcia! I will become better than my father! I CAN FIGHT… but now I have a scratch that reduces me to pretty much useless." A boy said.
"I shall now take you away and leave your father to fend for himself." Vanessa said taking the boy away.
"Thank you for telling us that there's a bandit raid even though we can see the bandits ourselves. Now we feel compelled to close our gates." A random villager said.
"Argh, who are you?" the bandit leader said. "Oh well, now to take you on even though swords beat axes."
Eirika proceeds to kill him.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" The bandit cried as he dies.
A random man bumps into Eirika.
"Are you okay?" Seth asks.
"I'm fine…my bracelet's missing though."
"We must go get it back." Seth said.
"It's just a bracelet." Eirika said.
"No, it's more than that…we must go." Seth said.
They ride off after the thief.
Babza's hideout-
"Help! I'm obviously Colm's secret lover but I refuse to admit it! Please help him!" A pink haired girl cried.
"Lets go!" Eirika said. They go inside. "Lets break through these convenient cracks in the wall and shoot people with javelins through solid rock.
"Hey! COLM!" Neimi said. "Now I shall pointlessly cry…WAH!"
"You're such a crybaby." Colm said. "Now hush, I'm here, and there's nothing to worry about. I'll protect you."
"Aww… what a cute couple." Eirika said.
"We're just friends!" Neimi cried.
"Now let me go rob these conveniently placed chests." Colm said.
"Now lets all gather in front of Babza to kill him." Eirika said.
"I am letting these people gather in front of me so they can swarm and kill me with ease." Babza announced.
"Lets all go up to Babza and stab him systematically!" Eirika said.
They all go surround Babza and kill him.
"NOOOO! WHY!" Babza said as he died.
"You there, give back the bracelet." Seth tells Colm.
"What bracelet?" Colm asked.
"This one." Seth said going a bit too close to Colm.
"Oh THIS ONE!" Colm said. "I never knew I had it. Hey, let us join?"
"I prefer not to." Seth said. "But I will ask Eirika. Okay you can join."
"What? Oh okay."
Random place with two villages-
"I am ARTUR!" a monk with an afro says. "Those are monsters."
"Argh! We be monsters! RAWR!" Revenent says. "We're total pussies even though everyone's afraid of us. And I move slow."
"I am LUTE! Mage Prodigy! Even though I'm a level one mage with three constitution and am made out of paper."
They fight and pwn the monsters.
"These monsters are strong! They outmatch even the normal men, the weakest of them that is!" Eirika says.
"…That's because you suck Eirika."
"HEY!"
Arena city-
"Ohh, arena… ohh hot girl." Joshua says.
"Excuse me, please listen! I have something important to tell you." Natasha say running into Joshua.
"Huh? Oh what? Err, SLEEP WITH ME!" Joshua stutters.
"What! I don't have time for that!" Natasha leave.
"Aww, oh well, time to go to arena and pwn people." Joshua says.
"FIND THE TRAITOR!" Grado people come.
"YEAH!"
Eirika comes. Random flash back that has no relevance to the storyline other than the fact that Ephraim and Eirika are in it occurs just to introduce Lyon.
"Help! I have something important to tell you!" Natasha goes to Eirika.
"Okay, but after we pwn all these people just for the hell of it." Eirika says.
"You there, give us the blonde wench and we let you go." Grado knight tells Eirika.
"No!" Eirika says.
"Then I shall not do the logical thing and kill you both right now because I'm right here with my lance and you're both unarmed, instead, I shall go to the far corner over there and wait for you to come over armed and prepared to kill me." The knight says and goes over.
Joshua comes out. "Man, I have just lost a ton of battles in the three minutes that just elapsed. Okay, now I work for these red guys here since my sprite is already red."
"Please help us mister. The world will be destroyed if you don't." Natasha tells Joshua.
"Then we coin flip for the hell of it. I shall use this double tailed coin. Heads I kill you, tails I join you and we go have sex."
"What?"
"Err… I mean, tails I join you. Looks like its tails, I join you."
"Okay…that was fast…"
They spend five years in the arena during which the knight just sits there and watches them do nothing. Interestingly enough, nothing else happens in Magvel during the five years while they're in the arena. Then they go kill knight. Joshua and Natasha stick with them.
mountains place-
"You be Eirika. Give me your bracelet." A random shaman goes up to Eirika.
"no!"
"Then I shall feed this little girl…and her parents…but mostly this little girl, to the giant spiders of the mountains." The shaman says.
They fight to the shaman and amazingly, the spider doesn't appear until you reach halfway across the map.
"EEK! SPIDER!" The girl cries.
"We must stop it! Kill the shaman!"
They kill the shaman. And the family, especially the little girl, is suddenly safe because the chapter ended.
"Thank you. Here's a promotional item that we JUST happened to have, even though my entire family has no fighting ability whatsoever." The father says.
Grado Stronghold-
"We're running low on food and supplies." Kyle says.
"Then let us attack the most well fortified of Grado Castles and hope for the best." Ephraim says. "And lets just do it with me, you, Forde and that Orson guy even though he's creepy and all that."
They go to castle.
"Hah, look at them. Now we shall attack them in single file." The Grado knight at the castle says.
Ephraim and the other pwns them.
"Grado forces return!" Kyle says.
"WHAT? SO FAST!" Ephraim exclaims. "We must run outside and try to get away even though they have it surrounded."
They do so.
"I AM VALTER! THE MOONSTONE! Now instead of doing the logical thing and killing you, I wll place you under arrest where you can escape and do bad things to me." Valter says
"Ahh darnit." Ephraim says.
Eirika's location, name's a nonfactor since everything gets destroyed anyways-
"Ephraim is under arrest." Seth said. "But I got this from a snickering Grado soldier."
"Then it must NOT be a trap and must be true! We must go save my brother. I miss my nightly visits with him." Eirika says.
"What?" Seth says.
"Err…. I mean we must go save him!"
"OKAY!"
Back to castle-
Eirika manages to travel deep into Grado territory without being spotted, despite the fact that ever soldier in Grado is looking for her.
"This place is well fortified, we must proceed with caution." Seth said.
"I will now leave this ballista full loaded and completely unguarded to go suicidally attack this knight down there." A Grado archer says. He does so and die.
"I will take this and kill everyone, thus making the claim that this place is very hard to penetrate a complete joke." Neimi says
She takes ballista and pwns everyone.
Inside castle-
"Come let me take you into the dungeon to get Ephraim." Orson says.
"Stop, you be traitor." Seth says.
"What? NO! I have no weapon." Orson says
"What about that sword there?" Seth asks.
"Whoops …you caught me. Now I shall leave these Grado soldiers to kill you and go back home and screw with my wife. Ciao." Orson leaves.
"Now I shall go back to throne instead of doing the obvious kill you right here right now thing and wait for you to come armed to kill me." Grado general in charge says. He leaves.
"We are coming back for no apperent reason!" Ephraim says.
"Ephraim!" Eirika jumps into her brother's arms. They do all kinds of stuff that suggest twincest while the Grado soldiers watch.
"I am saying something completely irrelevant to what's going on while suggesting that we go have sex later." Ephraim says.
"Please stroke my cheek brother!" Eirika says.
"Later." Ephraim says.
They go up and kill Grado General.
They go back to Castle Frelia unhindered. Amazingly, nothing happens in Magvel during that time.
"King Hayden!" Ephraim says. "We're screwed if we don't do anything."
"I go to Jehanna." Innes says.
"I go to Rausten." Eirika says.
"And I'll go commit suicide by attacking the Grado Keep." Ephraim says.
"Fine…" King Hayden says. "Good luck."
"Sir! Our random knights, got pwned at the tower. Our sacred stone has been destroyed."
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Hayden screams. "Go hurry! We must save all sacred stones!"
"Ephraim." Seth said. "Eirika is going to Carcino and Rausten. She decided to go with the generic peoples."
"Okay, let us go." Ephraim says.
They go.
Grado Castle-
"I am Amelia! I joined the Grado to become respectable knight!"
"Join us." Ephraim says. "We're more respectable."
"Okay!"
Port city, that gets destroyed eventually-
"I am CORMAG! I have no idea what to do. HELP ME BROTHER!" Cormag says.
"Duessel, you're a traitor!" Selena says.
"So are you." Valter tells Selena. "Now go back and leave my completely incompetent Ranger to face Duessel."
"Aww…." Selena says. She leaves.
"Duessel! We've to help!" Ephraim says.
"Cormag! Join us!" Duessel tells Cormag.
"ARG! I DIE!" Ranger gets killed.
"Okay, now we take boat to a Grado port and then the keep. But first we must go pwn some monsters half way across the continent." Ephraim says.
They go pwn the monsters.
"Now we must go back to the port city even though it would be much faster just to walk to the keep now." Ephraim says. They walk back. During the month or so that it takes them to do this, nothing happens in Magvel.
At sea-
"It's a ghost ship!"
"WE MUST ATTACK!" Ephraim says. They wait. "THEY'RE BORDING US!"
They go over an attack.
"ANOTHER SHIP! AHH!" Ephraim says.
"I am L'Arachel! I fight evil even though I'm a troubadour and can't fight!"
"I am Dozla. I fight for L'Arachel." Dozla says.
"GARG! I be deathgoyle! I'm just a stronger gargoyle and uglier too! DIE!"
Deathgoyle tries to kill Ephraim, but Ephraim kills Deathgoyle instead.
port city-
"IT'S A TRAP!" Seth says. Grado soldiers pour out.
"NOOO!" Ephraim says. "We must fight our way up."
Bishop guys warp in. "You there, Hero guy, you must come back with me. I will leave these incompetent monsters in your place."
They go.
"Where is Marisa! I must find her!" Ewan says.
"Aww, hey there little boy." Ephraim says.
"I must find Marisa! I can fight with magic even though my attack animation looks crappy." Ewan says.
"I am Marisa! My orders were obviously altered from "help Ephraim" to "kill Ephraim" by means of a crayon, but I will still go kill Ephraim." Marisa says.
"Marisa! You're orders were mixed up!" Ewan says.
"Oh, then I shall turn on these guys." Marisa says. She goes and pwns people. A cyclops stands there staring at the sky while Ephraim takes about ten years to finish in the arena.
Place with lotsa rivers-
"The Emperor is obviously insane and stupid and he's obviously not human anymore, but I am still loyal to him because I am madly in love with him." Selena says.
"Please give me my Dragonstone." Myrrh says.
"I will, if Ephraim kills me." Selena says.
Ephraim goes up and kills her.
"Selena…" Myrrh mourns. "Oh well, gots my Dragonstone back."
Grado Keep-
"We're gonna charge in outnumbered 40:1." Ephraim says.
"Go kill them emperor of Grado! I couldn't stand it when you died Father…I'm sorry…"
"What?" Soldier asked.
"Nothing, go kill Ephraim." Lyon says.
Ephraim and his group goes and pwns the strongest army of the continent of Magvel, which really makes one wonder HOW they managed to take Renais in the first place. Ewan proceeds to send millions of summoned phantoms at the Grado General who just sits there and watches as his spears break. Ephraim kills him leisurely after the spear dies out.
"Look, his body is disintegrating into dust instead of just vanishing like the others." Ephraim says.
"I am Lyon! I will now reveal that I killed you father, started this nonsense and am a complete asshole!" Lyon says.
"NOOO! WHY LYON! WHY!" Ephraim asked.
"I will not tell you that yet." Lyon says. "Now I shall leave." He warps away. You go to dungeon and find Knoll, who tells you crap about the darkstone. You find out Eirika is in trouble.
"We must go to Jehanna!" Ephraim says. They go to Jehanna, a journey which should take at least a few days, and for some reason, the Grado soldiers, the most powerful, no the ONLY army on the continent can't kill Eirika, although they do kill the queen, who is by all means much more powerful than Eirika period.
"I AM VALTER! THE MOONSTONE!" Valter says.
"WE GET THE EFFING POINT!" Ephraim says. "YOU ARE VALTER THE MOONSTONE! YOU DON'T HAVE TO REPEAT THAT EVERYTIME YOU TALK!"
"I AM VALTER! THE MOONSTONE! NOW I WILL KILL YOU!" Valter says.
"Oh gods…" Ephraim mutters. He kills Valter.
"NOO! I AM VALTER! THE MOONSTONE!" Valter dies.
"God, finally." Ephraim says. "Now let us go save Eirika and Innes, and that Saleh guy who just happens to be here and JUST happens to be connected to Myrrh in some way."
"I am Caellech!" a hero says. "I killed your mom Joshua, but we're still friends right?"
"Yeah." Joshua says. "Why do you think I ran away from home? But now I must kill you because you tried to kill Natasha."
"For the record, that wasn't me."
"Duly noted."
Joshua kills Caellech.
"HEY! I'm picking up random crap from the sands!" Colm and Rennec says.
"Let us go back to Renais." Eirika says. "The Grado army is now in tatters."
"Okay! But first let us loot the Jehanna hall for the sacred twins."
Castle Renais-
"Come my reanimated wife, lets have sex, even though it's disgusting." Orson says.
"I am Lyon! Orson, kill Ephraim." Lyon says.
"Okay." Orson says. "Then I get to screw with my wife?"
"Er…yeah…sure." Lyon says.
Ephraim and Eirika come home and kill the remnants.
"Orson! WHY!"
"…"
"Just kill him for gods sake!"
They kill Orson. The go into his room and kill his wife.
"Let us go get the sacred stones now." Seth says. They go down and get the sacred stones.
"Hey! Our bracelets are reacting! YAY! WE GET HORSIES!" Eirika and Ephraim says.
People wonder where the horses come from.
"We must go kill Lyon now!" Ephraim says.
River place-
"I am Lyon! Come kill me Ephraim!" Lyon says.
"I will kill you Lyon." Ephraim says. "Because I am still your friend even though you raped my country, killed my father and became an ass in general."
They go up and kill Lyon.
"MUAHAHA! I AM NOT LYON! I AM THE DEMON KING! MUAHAHAHA!"
"What!" Ephraim says. "NOOOOOOOOOOOO! CAN WE SAVE HIM!"
"Uhh…HELL no." the Demon King says. "Don't you read your history books? Geez, kids these days with their pop culture."
Cave place-
"Watch out. There are Gorgons here, even though they're completely useless against us now since we're all level 20/20 from all training we got."
They go through and systematically kill all gorgons and their eggs.
"Now I will go face Lyon while carrying the sacred stone that he wants to crush instead of doing the smart thing and giving it to you Eirika." Ephraim says.
Lyon freezes Ephraim. "Now I will destroy the sacred stone."
"Damn you Lyon….DAMN YOU!"
"But I am still your friend right?" Lyon asks.
"Of course." Ephraim says.
"Good." Lyon says. He leaves.
"There's still the Rausten Sacred Stone!" L'Arachel says. "It still exists because the enemy doesn't attack something unless we try to go protect it."
"Lets go protect it then!" Ephraim says.
They go to Rausten.
"Oh no! The sacred stone is safe." The pontiff says. "Now stay here for the night."
night-
"I am guard…I am walking…I get pwned." The guard gets killed.
"MUAHAH! I AM REIV!" The heretic says. "Now, I will send my forces at the pontiff in little manageable bands so Ephraim will have an easy time defeating me."
Ephraim defeats Reiv.
"I am still alive despite the fact that Ephraim just stabbed me with a lance!" Reiv says. "Now I shall go away."
"You must prepare! And go to the darkling woods with the sacred stone of Rausten." The pontiff says.
Darkling Woods-
"I am Lyon! I see two paths! One with me defeating the Demon King and the other one with the Demon King defeating me. I believe that I can control the Demon King even though the Legends CLEARLY say that that is impossible." Lyon says.
"You are stupid." Morva says. "Now I must stop you."
"Then you shall die."
later-
"Come Ephraim! With this Draco Zombie that Lyon suddenly gave me, you shall die!" Reiv says.
"We must find Morva!" Myrrh says.
"Okay." Ephraim says.
They go up and kills Reiv.
"Ugh…sorry." Myrrh says. She blasts the hell out of Morva the Zombie who just was suddenly turned into a one by Lyon. You find that out ONLY after you bring up the stats page and press the R button and place the cursor over his name.
Myrrh stands there. "Sniff…I won't…cry."
"Myrrh!" Ephraim runs up. "Are you…okay?"
"No…I won't cry…it'll slow everyone down." Myrrh says. "Instead I shall just make you wait while I fight the urge to cry."
"Just cry." Ephraim says. "You can use my shoulder."
Myrrh cries. They go inside.
"MUAHAHAH!" Lyon says. "You don't understand Ephraim, I like you, I really do. That's why I'm trying to kill you, but anyways, I want to bring back the Demon King, and use his powers. I will resurrect something that wants to destroy the world in order to save Grado! THE LOGIC IS FLAWLESS!"
"As your friend, I will stop you." Ephraim says.
"Fine, then I shall surround myself with useless monsters instead of just killing you right now." Lyon says. He warps back.
Ephriam and his group proceeds to slaughter the monsters. They kill Lyon in a very…unromantic way since they're all 20/20 and Ephraim has like two legendary lances.
"MUAHAH! YOU ARE TOO LATE! I AM THE DEMON KING! AND I HAVE RETURNED!" The demon king yells.
"Quick!" Ephraim says.
The Demon King's soul gets re-sealed the minute it returns in a VERY anti-climatic move.
"The hell? That's it? We could just walk out of here and lock the sacred stone in a chest in the bottom of the ocean and that's that?" Ephraim says.
"Technically." L'Arachel says. "But we must kill the body so it looks like everything's dramatic. Be warned though, the ancients had piles of dead before the Demon King finally fell."
Ephraim and Eirika goes up and stabs the demon king a few times with the Sacred Twin of Renais. The Demon King dies, making one wonder how stupid or sucky the ancient people were.
"It's over!" Ephraim says. "We won! Now to rebuild the mess."
L'Arachel goes back to Rausten, Joshua goes back to Jehanna, everyone else kinda just disappears along the way.
Renais-
"We will rebuild this place." Ephraim says. "But first I must go to Grado and help them from a landslide that supposedly broke the laws of physics and destroyed half the nation."
"Take me with you!" Eirika says.
"No, you must stay here." Ephraim says. "You must wait for me."
"I will wait for you forever." Eirika says.
"Good." Ephraim turns to Tana. "Will you marry me?"
"#&$&(&!" Innes curses.
"I love you Innes." Eirika says.
"($&#($&(&$(!" Ephraim says. They fight and both men allow their sisters to marry the other, making one wonder why the makers of this game put so much twincest allusions in the game.
So Magvel has been saved, even though nearly every city on the continent is now in ruins. Ephraim and Eirika didn't get A supports in Charlie's game so they aren't "together forever" AKA married. And everyone lived happily ever after.
Fin-
Charlie: Yes, that was FE8, Abridged. I know that was weird…and most of you probably want to kill me for this…but oh well, it was worth it! Anyways, please review!