Disclaimer: I don't own FFIX.
Everytime
I was lost in despair.
Mother was dead. I was not who I truly thought I was. Alexandria had been destroyed, my eidolons extracted. Why, why did I have to run away from home? All of this could have been prevented…but…I was so selfish. So many people died because of my mistakes. Something I could have prevented.
I am so helpless…so many things happened just because of me.
And now here upon the Blue Narciss…I…I feel empty. I feel like I can't do anything anymore. I feel so much pain in my heart and it has caused me to lose my voice. If I could go back and change it all…
I would. I wouldn't want all these people that love me and that surround me with there presence to suffer any more than they have…
I look up and see Zidane talking to Uncle Cid who is now a frog. He grins and waves at me. "It'll be okay, Dagger." He tells me in his normal cheerful attitude. I shake my head as if I understand, but in reality. It won't be okay. Nothing will be okay. Not until…
Not until I can feel right again. I turn to look at Steiner. He is standing behind me, watching me like he always does. It does grow quite tiresome at times, but I am grateful.
Zidane told me it would take about three days to get to the outer beaches of the Black Mage Village. I simply nod. What more can I do? My voice is gone. Doctor Tot said it might be years before I am able to talk again.
I look at everyone else on the ship. Freya is talking with Zidane now. Eiko is with Mog. Vivi is off in a corner staring out at the ocean before us. Quina is by Blank, also looking out at the endless ocean that surrounds us. Amarant is off in his own world and I am here, being a burden to everyone…
I look back toward Zidane. I caught his eye and quickly turned away to the sea. I can't even look at him in my current condition…
Zidane, I'm sorry. ...But I ...am not who you think I am.
Night time came early. As I got into bed that night, my tears came slowly. I sobbed silently in that cabin. All alone…what had happened to me? I use to be stronger than this…and…and I can't take it anymore. I walked over to the bathroom adjoined to the cabin. I had been given the main cabin to sleep in. It was so big and lonely and empty. Just like I was. I suppose certain thing's go hand and hand, don't they?
I looked at myself in the mirror and shook my head. Who was that girl staring back at me? She wasn't me. This girl had bags under her eyes, her hair hung limply at her shoulders. She looked pitiful. Her eyes held no emotion and she looked pale and sickly thin.
That girl…
That was me.
I shook my head. That couldn't be me. That was not the Queen of Alexandria. That was…that was…
Who was that? What have I become? When did I get so…
I am helpless. I began to run the water to wash away the pain. The pain of being me. The queen whom everyone will mock. How am I to do anything for my people if I can't even take care of myself?
What am I suppose to do?
Mother…you left me so soon. How am I supposed to carry on without you? No…NO! I can't depend on her anymore. I look at myself in the mirror and find myself angered by the person that stares back. NO! I don't like the person I see in the mirror! WHO IS THAT GIRL? She's nothing but a cry baby, looking for her mother. Looking for someone to hold her…someone to help her to get to sleep at night.
I am not a queen…I am…I am a nothing…I am NO one…
I took the water that I had been running in the sink and throw it at the mirror. The person in the mirror blurs and I can't see her anymore. I dried my hands on a small towel and look behind me. My eyes catch something.
"It's called a dagger."
Why Zidane still let me hold onto one of his daggers, the idea I can't began to even fathom. For safety was it?
A dagger…I am a dagger. I cause nothing but pain. Like a stab in the heart…
I am…a dagger…
I wonder…I wonder how much pain a dagger would cause to a human heart. Wouldn't that be a nice surprise! To see the Queen of Alexandria on the floor of her bathroom…with a dagger sticking out of her chest.
It sounds so appeasing…I might just do it…
I looked at the dagger. It was so shiny…and sharp. And pretty…so very pretty…but so very deadly. I looked at the mirror. The water dribbled down off the mirror and was now running down the walls.
Eiko, Vivi, Steiner, Quina, Freya, Amarant, Uncle Cid, Mother…I am sorry…but someone can only take so much…
I raised the dagger above my chest. This is my sorry…
Zidane…
I plunged the dagger into my chest and turned it. Blood trickled down the blade and down my clothes and dripped onto the floor.
My life force…
Drip…drip…drip…
I felt light headed and felt myself fall to the floor. As I felt myself loosing consciousness, I felt at ease for some reason. The pain felt as if it had left completely. I felt the blood seep out onto the floor now. I rolled over and curled into a ball…the only company was my own blood, an empty room and a dagger…
Goodbye. Goodbye everyone. I'm sorry I could not have been sorry. My vision blurred and I fell into an eternal slumber. One devoid of pain and suffering, a sleep that no one could awaken me from…and I felt happy for once in my life.
fin